Should I call the woman that my husband says is just a friend?

Thank you for all of your support. It has really helped me be a stronger person. I am focused on my health and our kids and trying to keep my head above water. There is nothing else I can do at this point. Thanks again.

Lynn

There is nothing else I can do at this point.

Oh yes there is!

Contact an attorney immediately. You can nail him for "abandonment." Because of this, and the fact that you have been married for over fifteen years, you may also be entitled to spousal support in addition to child support.

NEVER EVER do "verbal" separation agreements. Get it in writing and make sure it's legal, otherwise it means absolutely nothing when he decides to waltz back through that door in several months as if nothing ever happened. And there's a very high probability that he will.

Sadly, if you surrender to inertia and don't become proactive in taking control back over your own life, you may find yourself in an even bigger mess than you're in right now.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and while I extend my sympathies to you and the children, a part of me hopes above all that you will finally find some peace and happiness without him.

I am being pro-active, I have already started counseling by myself. I started anti depressants about three weeks ago and I do think they are helping. I am eating right and finally starting to sleep again. My counselor suggested taking a couple walks a day with the kids and that has been fun for them and a nice break for me. I know I will be wok my family has been great and his family is very supportive of me and the kids. I have not talked to my kids yet other than to reassure them at every chance that they are loved, we have kept the routine of church and karate and even had husbands family over for Easter and a very nice time with out him! I am going about my business and the ball is in court now.

You all have been great through this, I appreciate all of your kind and even sometimes brutally honest comments.

Lynn

It sounds like you're getting ALOT accomplished, Lynn. Good for you.

Do give some thought to getting some legal advice though. It makes you feel 100% better when you know all the options.

Lynn, I will give you a good piece of advice although I know in advance that you won't listen to me, because whenever I say something right, people ignore me.

When a man wants to do something, the best thing you can do is LET HIM! He doesn't want to come home from work, well tell him that he doesn't have to. He needs space so give him as much space as he wants. He wants to talk to other women and go out by himself so let it be.

It's the only way for you to save your marriage. So after you save it, YOU be the one who will decide on whether to live like that or get divorced.

But if you let HIM be the one who leaves, you will suffer much more.

It's pointless to check on him and try to stop him from starting an affair at a moment when he wants to get out of the marriage. If he wants to be with someone else, he will either cheat on you or separate from you in order to be with her. The only choice you have is let him do it or let him leave you.

He has been with you for a long time and he needs excitement. (He is probably around 40 y.o. or older). He wants to find another woman.

Can't you figure out yourself why he stopped communicating with this woman? Things with her didn't work out for whatever reason; most likely she turned him down. That still doesn't mean she didn't like him. Probably she just didn't like the fact that he was married.

If you give him the space he needs and not fight with him whatsoever, he will most likely eventually realize that the grass is not so green on the other side. But as long as you fight for him (you can't fight for anyone), you are keeping him on your side where the grass is not green in his eyes already. You let him know that he is worthwhile fighting for and that gives him the idea that other women might want him as well.

Indeed, he might fall in love and leave at the end. But he might get disappointed in the bachelor's life he desires so badly. Besides, he will be less attractive to women as a married man than a free man. So why not use the occasion and weaken his position for finding new love?

Don't fool yourself that it's not about other women. It's always about other women. Most men wake up and go to sleep with the idea of a woman. It can be the woman they love, the woman from work or a woman they want to sleep with. But no man wants space to drink beer occasionally with his buddies or go fishing or see a game. That they can do anyway.

Your husband feels numb and he wants to live again. He wants to be in love again. I know this hurts, but that's the way it is. And you're not only not giving him space, but you're holding on to him and pulling his arm to drag him back in the marriage - the place he doesn't want to be at.

So basically you have two options. One is to separate. You'll be a mess and he'll just move on.

The other one is to tell him that he is right and you both need space. Then start living your own life without him. You can even put your profile on a dating site without bragging about it or hiding it from him. Act as if you enjoy your newly re-gained freedom. Go out in the evenings "with friends" (that's what you should tell him).

You'll see, soon enough he will be more worried about what you're doing than what he is doing.

He doesn't have anyone right now, and chances are, he might not find anyone either. Or he will, but will get disappointed. When a few chicks say "no" to him, he will feel nostalgic for your relationship. When he sees that other men desire you (and every woman has lots of men who desire her, only if she puts herself in the "love market"), he might fall in love with you again. Life will become more interesting with you and not without you.

Of course, most of the men you will meet will probably be wrong for you, but your husband will not see them that way. For him, they will be his competition who wants to screw his own wife. On the other hand, the women he will hit on will be wrong too, and that he will see clearly. If she is great (any woman he meets), she won't need a married man. Men can divorce, but "if he cheated on his wife then he will cheat on me too" - that's how most women reason.

If you try to keep him, he will run away from you. If you hold the leash tight, he will try to bite it and escape. But if you act like you don't care what he is doing, whatever he might do won't be fun anymore for him.

My mother says: "Cheating for a man is fun only when he has a woman waiting for him just as we like to swim in cool water as long as the sun is shining and it's hot; but if the sun goes down, nobody wants to try the water, because the same water suddenly gets too cold for us!"

Sorry, Lynn, I thought I read all your posts, but I actually missed the most important one, where you wrote that he left. Well maybe it's not too late anyway.

However you might be better off without him. Honestly, did you have a good marriage?

I thought we had a good marriage. However he has cheated before. It was eight years ago when I was pregnant with our second child. It brings back ugly memories of a time that should have been so happy for us. I remember he got a call from the OW about an hour after our son was born. They had broken up and I had found out about the relationship. He was holding my baby that just came out of my body and talked to her. I thought I had let go of the pain from that incident but now it's like a raw wound.

We have not had an easy time and it has not all been his fault but there have been so many good times and he just is not able to see that right now. Honestly the last few days I have found myself wondering WTF have I been doing. He is an immature bratty little boy and I have had it. I think it was Ladyjane that said "get ready for the roller coaster ride of your life". I feel that way now and wish that he would not even call me because he thinks out loud and then changes his mind and it drives me crazy. I need a vacation!

Have a good weekend everyone, I am taking the kids to the beach on Saturday!

Record Producer gave some really good advice, though! The only problem I have with it, however, is letting a man do whatever he wants to do: by doing this, you have to literally let him to walk all over you. It's like saying, respecting you is not important. Loving you is not important. In a sense, you become nobody to him. Nothing. He gets to go out, have his fun, and live an exciting life. Meanwhile, you stay home loving, respecting, and cherishing him. Because you allow him so much freedom, you obviously still love him. Unfortunately, you have no other choice but be depressed because he doesn't feel the same for you as you feel for him. You love him too much to go out and find another man of your own. Personally, if I ever tried this, it would only last for a very, very short period of time before I killed myself, killed him, killed her, or just simply left him. Seriously, I wouldn't be able to handle letting him do whatever he wants to do as if it didn't affect me.

Originally posted by Love2share

The only problem I have with it, however, is letting a man do whatever he wants to do: by doing this, you have to literally let him to walk all over you.

Good point. I don't know how a person can preserve the love they had for their spouse if they don't stand up for themselves. It's like giving them permission to rub salt into your wounds and promising not to be upset by it. There aren't a whole lot of people who could tolerate that kind of treatment, and then bounce back from it.

By the time her husband is ready to come back....Lynn probably wouldn't want him anymore. Her love for him would be gone....buried irritrievably under MOUNTAINS of RESENTMENT.

Well, it has been an interesting few days since I last updated you all. He decided not to leave and came back home after a few days. He had spoken to the the woman that he had developed feelings for and she told him that she was not interested in a relationship at this time. It seems that she is separated from her husband and her husband wants to try and work it out with her. I sure this will shock you all to find out that they both had been unfaithful and thats was the reason for their separation. They have two teenage kids together (great example they are setting)! Anyway my H agreed to get into MC and we had our first appointment on Wednesday. It was hard and hurt but it also felt good to be honest. We have made a commitment to a 12 week program called "getting the love you want" I am not familiar with this so any input from you all would be great. I am willing to do the work and he says he is too. I guess it is one of those wait and see things.

Have a good weekend, Lynn

GL! I hope everything works out between you two and the MC works wonders for your M.

Originally posted by lynnspies1

We have made a commitment to a 12 week program called "getting the love you want" I am not familiar with this so any input from you all would be great. I am willing to do the work and he says he is too.

I'm not familiar with that one, but I googled it and found some sites. So, you might be able to find a little more info that way as well.

I'm glad things look like they're working out so far. Be prepared though, it's a wild rollercoaster ride, like I told you before. Post whenever you need to vent. It helps.

Dear Lynn,

Reading your story is like reading my story. My husband is a NYC Fire Fighter and survived 9/11; many of his friends did not. Anyway, the NYCFD was really wanting these men to seek counseling. So my husband did. I was happy about this. Then he started getting a little distanct from me and our 3 young children. He suddenly got a cell phone, which he was strictly against. I didn't suspect anything. He started hiding the phone, not answering it. I go suspicious so I was going to pay the bill online - I asked him if I was going to see anything that I shouldn't see; he said no - there was nothing to see. So I went online and registered the phone and paid the bill. I couldn't bare to look at the details. He got more secretive with the phone and I decided to look. He called this woman 89 times in 30 days. He was calling her at all hours of the night and daytime. Before I told him, I decided to call the number. A message was a woman and her name was Karen. I left a message (big mistake) that I had found her number on my husbands cell phone many times. I told her to please call me back and I left my phone number. I then called my husband who said it was a counselor. I was shaking uncontrollably and asked my sister to come over. I called this woman's home phone and she answered. She proceeded to say she was a counselor and wasn't at liberty to give any information. I told her I understood and my husband was able to continue the friendship. We started going to counseling. One day before counseling I go a phone call from a public phone (they had tried 4 different shopping malls public phones until she got me) and the person asked me if I was *****. I said yes and she said that she was a mutual friend of someone we both knew who felt that I was a really great person and didn't deserve to be lied to. She said my husband has been seen at a few diners around the Island with his girlfriend. Well I just about threw up. The dreaded phone call that a wife never wants to get. We met at the counselor and he confessed that it was this girl Karen and that they were strictly friends. She was not a counselor. I could go on.....so I guess my answer to you is .....if you call her you could get lied to or not; however, you have nothing to lose by calling her. I am glad I did. He walked out 2 years ago and I've been allowing him to have his way with me approx. 1x a month. He says he has done nothing wrong because she was and still is a very good friend; that's all. He says he gets the physical part from me. The longest we've gone without being together physically is 3 1/2 months. The sick part is that he was exposing my children to her children under the guise that they were a fireman friends daughter. My kids have been emotionally upset by her existance and my husband thinks that they would be just fine if I just smoothed things over. The child counselor said I was right and my husband wasn't willing to see it. He counseled my children and he reported to my husband that the children are deeply hurt by her existance. I don't care what he does, just not around the children.....not now. Even his lawyer gave him a talk about it....he didn't listen.

Now all of a sudden he says to me (after we had sex a few weeks ago) that there would be noone around our kids but us. I told him Thank You Thank You Thank You. I wonder if she gave him the boot. I might call her...he told me to call her. I just might......but then she and he's not worth it.

Anyway he's a wonderful help and is a great father (except for some of his bad decisions). As a woman, I don't want him anymore. But if he came to me and said let's work it out....I would on a trial basis. He wouldn't move back in and the children wouldn't know about it. We would attend counseling and then see. It couldn't hurt - if it doesn't bring us back together - it will make him a better parent. Did I mention that he also put my kids on a firetruck in the city on a real call?....another one of his bad decisions. This woman also said hello to my son secretly so I wouldn't see her while we were shopping at the mall. She has no respect for me - but that's because my husband has taught her it's OK to discount me. My son doesn't want to see her son again because he was so nasty and cruel to my son. My husband promised him that he would never ever have to see her son again. So if he is going to keep his promise, what kind of friendship or relationship could he possibly have with her? Good........I don't want him ........she can have him......he's to sly for me.

Sorry for so much info. - Anyway......I don't want to give you bad advice....but I was in your shoes and I called her. A friend of mine had the same experience and she called the woman.....the woman didn't know he was married and that ended the affair.....so you never know. God bless and I will keep you in my prayers.

Enigma,

I loved what you wrote:

Remember…there are no "causes" for affairs. Only excuses. Particularly when there are so many other alternatives and/or options for resolving or exiting an unsatisfactory relationship

Regards,

SunshineBFine

Sorry, but I have to put my 2 cents in on this one. My husband had seven affair while we were married. I found out because I looked at the cell phone bill that HE paid and that was online as oppose to a paper bill.

So, I called two different women. I first called the one number that was called ALL the time and only when we were not together. I knew I was taking a chance. I asked her "what is your relationship with my husband?" To which she replied in a VERY shaky voice "I think you should discuss it with him" Well... that was all I needed to know. I also did research and found that SHE was married as well. Then I called a second girl and she denied it till the cows came home however, he was bonking her at the same time as the OW.

Two different calls and two different scenarios. Why did one (for the most part) confess and the other didn't? Hard to say, but if you call, I would be prepared for whatever happens. Those calls were the end of my life as I knew it... AND I did them in a conference room at work. I would go against that idea because breaking down at work is not where you want to do it. It would be a good idea to have support such as a friend near when you call.

Someone on this thread said that it could be normal for a husband to talk to friends that are girls for hours on end? I think not. IT IS NOT OK when the guy is married or in a relationship. Also, you don't even know this woman??! Ummm.. Red Flag. I am also suspicious that he said he is going to therapy. I would look into that situation as well. Find out where he is really going. Do the work yourself, ie. follow him or have someone else follow him. Whatever it takes. You will not rest until you know what is really going on.

Good Luck.

Sorry, didn't read the whole thread and just read that your husband walked out on your due to another woman... I am so sorry...

I guess it is time for an update. I started a different thread thinking this one was done, but hey you never know.

My husband left to pursue relationship with his so called "friend". He came back shortly due to being fired from his job (not related to OW). He wanted to make a go of our marriage and committed to counselling. We had been attending and really liked it. We both connected to the counselor and enjoyed our time there even when it was hard. All along he continued to claim the OW was just his friend.

I found out last week they had been having a sexual relationship. I am still kind of numb to it all. We have not seen our counselor since I found out. So this week should be interesting. I am trying to keep a stiff upper lip about things and I have been on anti-depressant meds for approximately 6 weeks and I think it has really helped. The only problem is I want to feel rage and hurt and I feel sad and tired. I think it is the been there done that blues. I knew he was sleeping with her he just would not come clean with me.

So now he is going above and beyond the call of duty. He is over the top trying to be a great husband and father and a stunt man in the bed room. It is nice to see him go out on a limb for me. I still do not know what will happen down the road, even hour to hour I feel a range from "oh ya it will work" to "there is not a chance in hell".

I will keep you all posted, Lynn

Thank you for all of your kind works, prayers and good wishes. It has made me feel much stronger and I wanted to thank you all.

Dear Lynn,

I am really sorry for all the pain that this man has caused. I am in the middle of the same sitiuation as you. I think that you need to cease all contact with this man save that which is necessary for your kids and settling your financial affairs. He is sick: he lied to you; cheated on you; and most importantly abandoned you when you needed him emotionally. If we can get over the death of our parents when they have done nothing but love us, we can surely get over a H or other SO.

How's it going this week, Lynn?

LJ,

Thanks for caring. The week was a tough one. My H and the OW agreed to no contact. The OW called me and we talked for a long time. It was interesting comparing stories and the different lies he was telling us both to try to keep both relationships afloat. So anyway H went through a major depression. He said it was more about what a mess he had made of everything and how much he had hurt me and the OW.

We had MC after he had "broken up" and it was like a relief to close (hopefully) that chapter and (hop-fully) move on to repair, regroup, etc.

I was just getting ready to write you last night when he came into the office and sat down with me. He had know I had been on this site but I don't think he ever thought what it was all about. He asked and I explained. I told him that if he was ready he could read all of my posts and threads and that it might give him a better idea of how I was feeling at different times. He read them all even the long and not so nice ones. He was hurt and angry at some of the responses but said he was not shocked by anything and that none of my posts surprised him.

He wanted to start his own thread and made a questionable comment about me running back to him. Funny, I am not the one who left, so how could I run back? I did not offer my opinion while he was writing his thread because I wanted to see how much ownership he took. It did not surprise me that he was defensive. I saw a couple replies to his tread this morning and enigma hit right on that point. So, thanks enigma I think he needs to hear it from someone other than me!

So I am being optimistic but realistic. I feel good about how I have handled the whole thing. I feel good about myself and standing my ground when I could not take it anymore.

As for the OW, the very strange thing is, she is very nice and I can see why my H was emotionally attracted to her and once that happens it is easy to fall off the edge.

My best to you all, I will update you as things pan out. Thanks again for all your support.

Lynn

If he truely wants to know what you feel like, and really TRY to put himself in your shoes, PM DazednConfused, he'll email you his Ebook about the pain of surviving an affair. Make him read it. Then he'll get what he did and maybe see things in a different light.

Thanks for the update, Lynn. I'm glad to hear that you're doing okay. And it's good that your husband has gone 'no contact' with the OW. That's a great first step.

I'm really pressed for time today....so I'll try to post you more tomorrow, and I'll post to H tomorrow too. For now though, kudos to him for making the break. It needed to be done, and he stepped up to the plate and did it. It was probably very difficult for him to make that committment right now.

Remember hon, you can only eat a bear one bite at a time. So be patient with one another, and don't allow yourselves to become overwhelmed with trying to fix this all in one fell swoop. It'll take time, and you'll both need to celebrate whatever little victories that you can. Committing to NC is a mini-victory for both of you. Feel free to whoop it up a little.

No Contact is probably going to leave him feeling the full brunt of the withdrawal phase at times, so you'll need to give him some latitude while he's working that out in his mind. If he's actively working on the marriage, then it's good of you to be supportive when you can.

The danger here for you is that during the withdrawal stage, a BS is not always getting the constant reassurance they need. So, you'll need to be prepared for that. Be thick-skinned when you need to be. It will pass.

More later.

Anyway, I did a really long post on your husband's thread.

It must have been really weird for the OW to call you. What was the motivation for that, btw? You seemed to have handled it with aplomb though....much more dignified than I would have been, I'll guarantee you!

I read somewhere...wish I could quote the source...that it makes for difficulties when the BS is abusive regarding the OP (other person). It forces a defensive reaction from the WS. So, you did well there.

Your husband is lucky to have you. And when you have the dips in your self-esteem that you'll invariably have while you're riding 'the rollercoaster'....you'll do well to remember that.

It helps alot to remind yourself of all your good qualities, when you're in search of the reasons why things went wrong. That's not to say, that you don't look for the things that you'd be willing to change, in order to continue on in your quest for personal and marital growth. It just means that you remember to give yourself a little credit along the way.