Should I call the woman that my husband says is just a friend?

OK, My husband told me today that he has been going to therapy for three weeks. He said he is unhappy and that he is not sure what will happen but that it could be the end of our marriage. He said he was going to continue with the therapy and see what happens.

 

Out of susspision, (he had an affair 7 years ago) I looked in his cell phone and found a reoccuring number. I callit and got voice mail with a womens name. When I asked him who it was, he said that it is someone one he works with and they are just friends. Well men don't have women friends that they talk to for over an hour at a time.

 

We have been married for 14+ years we have three young kids. I am so hurt that I can't see straight. What should I do? Should I call this women? I don't want to be the fool and I also don't want to put him in an bad possition at work.

 

Help, Lynn

One way or another the truth will be revealed as it has in the past. I would be inclined to trust your instinct seeing that you have been through this before.

 

How about instead of one call you make two?

 

The first to an attorney Meet, discuss your options, and where you (and the kidlets) fit in all this. Present him with divorce papers and walk away when you have a calm moment. Then you can call this other woman to let her know she can have him! Be prepared that she may not want him especially if she is married herself. What you do at that point is up to you.

 

Take control yourself. Don't let him have it.

No, you should not. Just believe him and keep going.

Don't call her. If your husband is seeing her, she will not admit it. Try to get a copy of his phone bill and see just how many times he has called her for an hour.

 

Syl

That will not stop him either. It'll only hurt you more.

Why don't you go to therapy together?

 

Unfortunatelly, if a someone decided to leave, there's no way on Earth anything you say or do can change his/her mind...

 

I say check the phone bill for your own peace of mind.

 

Curly

Are you sure he's going to therapy and not her place? Talk to him about going with him. He's confiding his problems onto her, which is the start of an affair. How long into the process it could be? I don't know. But accusing him and putting him on the defensive will only make him more distant from you.

 

I believe you two need a heart to heart talk. If he tells you he's not happy, what are his reasons?

because of his statements about your marriage, i think your suspicions could be accurate. but i think, as several have said, calling her again may not give you the answers you want.

 

on the flip side,

 

Well men don't have women friends that they talk to for over an hour at a time.

 

well, they do, since i happen to be one of those women .... it can happen that way. i don't know what he's up to obviously, but i have several male friends who i talk to frequently and for long periods of time, and they really are just friends. now, having said that, one is currently going through a divorce and has some problems with his kids and negotiating things with his STBXW .... i do frequently also talk to my boss for hours on the phone and did while he was still married, but... he was having problems with his W and needed someone to talk to. we also both tend to be long winded and can talk for hours about work stuff, things that he wouldn't have talked to his W about anyway. so i think the question is more of WHY is he talking to her for that long? it could very well be that there is nothing going on, but if he's confiding in her about your marriage, that's equally as important. since, as we all know, he should be talking to you about those things not her, and from what you've said, he really hasn't been. and while his choice for someone to talk to other than you is clearly not the best choice....IT IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEGINNING OF AN AFFAIR! neither of these men talked to me because they were contemplating having an affair with me... i just happen to be a good listener.

 

my one male friend, that is in the process of a divorce now, has been confiding in me since before the D started about a year ago now. he was trying so hard to find a way to fix his M. and while i encouraged him to talk to her, she didn't want to talk about it, she just wanted a D. we have not progressed past the just friends part....... i know that's not your situation and yes, the signs in you case point to trouble especially since he's been going to counseling and talking to others about not being happy, and you seem to be the last to know. but ..... we do run the risk of making things worse when we make huge assumptions.

 

i agree that although he may need to continue therapy alone, now that you know there are issues, it also makes sense to go together.

 

good luck!

IF this woman is just a "friend" then why doesn't he bring her around to meet you and let you get to know her? Tell him you'd like to meet her and talk to her and she how he responds. His reaction could give insight to what is really happening.

I find it suspicious that he would start therapy 3 weeks ago, and just now get around to telling you about it.

 

I would guess that there is indeed a snake in your woodpile. Men seldom become so unhappy that they start therapy without discussing it with their wives. That is, if it's garden variety unhappiness. Most folks will have talked it over with at least someone first before making that decision. Wouldn't you?

 

If the OW is aware that he is married, she'll most likely lie to you. There is however, the off-chance that she doesn't know. It's unlikely, but possible. An OW that isn't aware of a man's married status is much more likely to spill the beans, because it p*sses her off that she is also being lied to.

 

It's also possible that he may have told her that he is married, but separated...or any other rash of lies.

 

I think if it were me, I'd make the phone call. I wouldn't give any warning. I'd try to catch her by surprise, and see what spills.

 

Liars will lie...until you rub the TRUTH on their nose. There's not much you can do until you have all the facts.

You could always try a search which will match an address to the phone number - or at least search the name that goes with it and look for an address that way. Then when your husband is "out" you can drop by that address for a suprise visit. If nothing else, you'll at least let this woman know that you are well aware of her presence. If its innocent, then no harm done - you've finally met his 'friend'. If its not innocent, your visit alone should shake things up.

Well, I did seach the phone bills and it seems that he had only started the long calls with her in the last week or so. He said that he has also talked with others about the situation but there are no calls over 15 minutes or so to anyone else.

 

He says that she is married also but at this point why should I belive him. I just do not understand how things could go so wronge without me knowing it. I am just so sad and he thinks I am being over dramatic. I told him though that he has obviously been processing this for some time and I get it all at once.

 

Thanks for the input!

Yes, I would definitely call her. Why shouldn't you? He's your husband and this is your marriage. You are entitled to know the truth about what's going on.

 

but do NOT attack her when you call. Be very friendly, explain what happened, etc. Let her feel bad for you. Then tell her what your husband said when you confronted him about her number - that she is only a friend. If something is going on that might wind her up a bit to start spilling some details. I'd make something up that he said too like - "just some dumb girl from the office that calls me all the time." Wind the bitch up and she'll spill the truth, trust me.

When I finally contacted my X's buddy list friends and a woman he talked to on the phone, I found out a whole bunch of lies he had been telling me. No he wasn't cheating, but lying wasn't particularly a treat for me to hear when I trusted his ass. I now speak with that girl on the phone every day and I regularly IM a couple from his buddy list. It's amazing how women will band together when they feel slighted by a man.

Lonestar, you're a very cool woman!!! I wish I have the courage to do that if it will ever happen to me.

Lynn.. Read the link in my signature. You need to worry about *what* is causing your marriage to fall apart like this, not worrying about a couple of calls to this woman. You need to get your priorities straightened out.

Well everyone, I called her. She said that they were just friends but that things had started getting flirty. She said she understood my concern about the amount of time they were talking and said she would try to limit the amout of calls between them. She also let me in on the fact that she had recently separated from her husband(a fact my husband left out). Then she said she would not tell him I called.

 

Well two hours later she called him (according to the phone records). He started acting very strange so I think she did tell him. Then last night my husband was talking on his cell phone at home and told me he was talking to one of his guy friends. He was talking to her! With this information I called him and told him - I am will ing to do what ever needs to be done to fix this problem but I am not willing to be lied to and Dis-respected.

 

He flipped out saying that I should give him some space and let him work it out. I told him he could have all the space he needs and if he is going to continue this line of behavior that he needs to move out.

 

So, that is were it stands. I have no clue what will happen when he gets home. But I feel so much better that I stood up for myself and now I know there is something going on between them. It may not have crossed the sex line but they have an intimate relationship.

 

Thanks for all your advice, it helped me be stronger and now the real work begins!

Wait a minute- she said she would "limit her calls with him?"

 

I have a handful of close male friends- some I talk to on the phone etc. If one of their wives called me I definitely wouldn't say "It's gotten flirty with us but I'll try to limit my calls" I'd be crying and saying "I'd never cheat with your husband/boyfriend/whatever"

 

This is IMO the confirmation you've been seeking. Of course she told him- wouldn't you??

 

Usually when the OP asks for space in a situation like this it means cheating. I'd be calling the insurance company if we were on a group policy and asking if he'd made any recent "therapy" visits. I'm betting he hasn't.

now the real work begins!

 

Hopefully it includes a call to a lawyer, as well as to the insurance company.

Oh boy......here we go. What is it that some people don't get???? You're not solving anything, you're not making the situation any better, you're just lightin' fires everywhere you go, and then you're going to be stuck puttin' em out and in the end, when the smoke all clears, it'll be a scene with you standing in the middle of destruction, holding a fire extinguisher, all alone.

 

What you should've done is ask your husband if you can go with him to these therapy sessions, or the both of you find a mutual marriage councelour. Instead, you called the OW and shook up the bee's nest.

 

What's done is done, but now you're in a pickle. Your husband is going to be pissed, you pissed off the OW, (Even though she probably wouldn't admit it), and now you've got a wall going up between you and your husband over all of this.

 

You should of never, ever called her.

 

I don't agree much with most of jmargel's posts, but in this case, he's right on when he suggested that you find out what it was that caused your husband to stray in the first place, then concentrate on fixing that.

I did ask him if we could go to therapy and he said he needed to work on the problem himself. I asked him if there was something going on with this woman and he said no. If she is just a friend, why should he get pissed if I have contact with her? I did not harass her, I was very polite. He obviously does not feel he can talk to me about the problems he is having and I can't force him to go to therapy but I do think I needed clarification of how bad things had gotten and now at least I can work on my side of the issues until he decides if he wants to or decides to leave.

If this is a start of an emotional affair, there isn't a darn thing she can do to save her marriage until contact between the two of them ends. Contacting her was a good start in making it end. There is NO WAY that she could have ended contact between them WITHOUT making both of them angry. Just not possible.

 

NOW that they know she's on to them, it's going to start making their little relationship harder to maintain...and harder to make it seem to be a harmless friendship.

 

Going to counseling with her husband (if her really is going...that's been open to debate here) would have done little to no good while the husband is still infatuated with someone else. He's not going to put forth any effort in fixing his marriage while he's thinking about being somewhere else.

 

At this point, be adamant that the contact END. Do NOT let it continue. Make sure he understands what's wrong with what he's doing, and make him accountable for his actions. And make it clear to him that you will not just meekly let him behave in this kind of fashion.

 

And marriage counseling is in my opinion a MUST. I do agree with Jmargel and Moose that you need to identify the causes of this situation, and address those. But I still believe that it's impossible to do that while an affair is ongoing.

I did ask him if we could go to therapy and he said he needed to work on the problem himself.

Perhaps you should seek guidance for yourself without him. And let him know what you're doing. Just because he feels he's the one with the problem, it wouldn't hurt to find you someone to confide in.

I asked him if there was something going on with this woman and he said no. If she is just a friend, why should he get pissed if I have contact with her? I did not harass her, I was very polite.

He'd get pissed because like you said, he feels it's his deal, and that he's the one who has to make it right. You're interfering with his process, and to him, you have no right to pry into a problem he thinks he's solving on his own.

He obviously does not feel he can talk to me about the problems he is having and I can't force him to go to therapy but I do think I needed clarification of how bad things had gotten and now at least I can work on my side of the issues until he decides if he wants to or decides to leave.

Unfortunatley, if he is ignoring your plea to let you in on his thoughts or feelings, you're going to be left out in the dark until he figures this one out. In the meantime, I wouldn't give him any reason or excuse to imply you're a bad wife or mother. Just remain as close to, a "June Cleaver" wifey poo as you can, and let nature take it's course.

I'm with owl.

 

SO WHAT if you piss them off. What about your feelings as his wife? Seems to me you've been sitting on the relationship backburner long enough. Since you're already there, you may as well turn up the flame and set those fires under their collective asses if that's what it takes to flush out the snakes and uncover the truth.

 

..Again.

 

If anyone should be criticized for stirring up a bee's nest, than it should be your husband. And personally, I hope he either evacuates quickly or gets stung. This is YOUR life their screwing with…so don't ever be afraid to protect it.

 

If this was your husband's first affair, I might feel differently about the benefits of therapy. But when it comes to serial cheaters, it's not so much about the 'relationship' as it is the 'individual.' He's got a BIG character flaw. Habitual dishonesty and deceptiveness. That's MAJOR. And it's not up to you to you "fix" everything that's wrong with him. Besides, his refusal to seek joint counseling already shows that he isn't interested in nurturing your relationship as a 'team', but rather he sees himself (and his needs) as separate and apart. Exactly the kind of selfish "me, me, me" thinking that is the fundamental component of all affairs.

 

Remember…there are no "causes" for affairs. Only excuses. Particularly when there are so many other alternatives and/or options for resolving or exiting an unsatisfactory relationship.

 

I agree with Lucrezia. Secure an attorney and research you options. Unless of course, you have the intestinal fortitude to ride out this affair as you did the last one. And the next one after that…and after that…and after that.

 

I, for one, applaud your courage and backbone! And because you have what it takes to deal with your situation head-on, I'm confident that YOU will be one of the lucky ones who'll land on her feet no matter what the outcome.

 

Good Luck!

Remember…there are no "causes" for affairs. Only excuses.

I don't agree. Nobody cheats just because they have an excuse. People cheat because their SO isn't providing what they should in one way or another. There's always a reason, and it's usually a legitimate one. This is what needs to be figured out, what were the reasons?