Are ONLY OW/OM allowed to post in this forum?

I've seen lots of referances on this forum area that only OW or OM are welcome to post here. That BS should not post or are not welcome to post on this forum area. Also that anyone that has not been an OW or OM is not welcome here. Is that true? Is anyone with a differing opinion not welcome?

I've posted here sometimes, and I can't remember ever being told to leave. I think that's more likely to happen when people give advice that's restricted to "you shouldn't be sleeping with a married man". I do think that it's possible to provide a view that challenges the OW perspective without necessarily getting into a fight about it - though obviously there will always be posters (on any subject) who would pick a fight in a monastery.

It's probably easier to post opposing views relatively calmly (and, therefore, in a way that's less likely to result in heated arguments) if you're not a BS...but I've seen Betrayed Wives posting some pretty reasoned and calmly worded stuff in here. Obviously, a lot of hurt and angry people come in here for a look too...and end up getting into fights. Realistically, that's bound to happen - but it doesn't do anyone (them or the OW they want to attack) much good.

A lot depends on who's doing the posting. I like Newbby's posts - she tends to get a good balance between presenting the OW's perspective and acknowledging the BS's point of view.

I suppose you've anwsered my question L. I don't post here because I just was not sure I'd be welcome as a non OW/OM , and I have seen many times that if a non OW posts with differing or controversial advice they have been told to leave as they were not welcome.I thought this was maybe a rule that I could not seem to find. Many times I've also seen it said that this is a support portion of the forum , does this mean that advice is not welcome only support ???

I've never seen that but then again, I may miss a lot anyway. I've posted here at times and it just so happens I'm a former betrayed spouse but, thankfully, I'm not embittered by it. It happened. The marriage is long over. I'm better off than ever before. What's to be bitter about?

does this mean that advice is not welcome only support ???

Until that's made real plain to me, I won't believe that. That would be like telling OW and OM they can't post on some of the boards here because they'd be a "bad fit." Who's to judge?

Until that's made real plain to me, I won't believe that. That would be like telling OW and OM they can't post on some of the boards here because they'd be a "bad fit." Who's to judge?

I don't know if I can say this or not but often times I have seen WWIU get told to leave the OW forum and it seems her advice is not from the BS viewpoint but differs from what the op or others want to hear.Just my opinion.

I have no idea if WWIU is a BS or not ?????Hope I can say that without getting myself into trouble.

Ah, but trouble is the spice of life!

Many times I've also seen it said that this is a support portion of the forum , does this mean that advice is not welcome only support ???

I don't know. I don't think that support and advice are incompatible...and neither do I think that supporting someone through a difficult situation necessarily means restricting your comments to comforting words and things that they want to hear. Difficult situations tend to be the time when others offer you insights that are very hard to hear...but that, long term, can assist your growth.

What I do believe is that here, and in any other section, people can be somewhat traumatised if they're already in a complicated and stressful life situation (whether or not that's of their own making) and other people try to force them to face up to their version of the truth about that situation.

That's why I'm not too fond of the "here's what I think, and I'm gonna give it to ya straight" approach, and can see why people generally resent and resist advice that's given in that form. That doesn't mean that challenging people's existing patterns of thinking and encouraging them to examine other people's perspective is impossible though.

LS Guidelines are the only 'rules' of LS. If someone else is trying to make rules up, they need to pass them by the LS mods, I should think.

I don't know. I don't think that support and advice are incompatible...and neither do I think that supporting someone through a difficult situation necessarily means restricting your comments to comforting words and things that they want to hear. Difficult situations tend to be the time when others offer you insights that are very hard to hear...but that, long term, can assist your growth.

 

What I do believe is that here, and in any other section, people can be somewhat traumatised if they're already in a complicated and stressful life situation (whether or not that's of their own making) and other people try to force them to face up to their version of the truth about that situation.

 

That's why I'm not too fond of the "here's what I think, and I'm gonna give it to ya straight" approach, and can see why people generally resent and resist advice that's given in that form. That doesn't mean that challenging people's existing patterns of thinking and encouraging them to examine other people's perspective is impossible though.

I agree with you L. Good to see you again by the way, support and advice can be synonymos while .....what you want to hear .....does not alweays factor in . However lots of people are different and many do use the "give it to you straight approach". I'm not nessicerily one of them , but I can be . So what I've gotten so far is that all of you ,(odd none of you are OW or OM) , feel it is fine to post here as either an OW or BS , as long as you are considerate and supportive as well as give whatever advice you feel fits the situation. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to jump in to this section just yet , it can get heated ,but it's nice to hear it is not in fact against any rules .

Originally Posted by lindya

I don't know. I don't think that support and advice are incompatible...and neither do I think that supporting someone through a difficult situation necessarily means restricting your comments to comforting words and things that they want to hear. Difficult situations tend to be the time when others offer you insights that are very hard to hear...but that, long term, can assist your growth.

but thats what i think i like most about LS, is the way i can recieve both advice and support. even if it can be harsh. when i posted up my first thread, i wanted advice on entering a new situation and not sure what i should do...and get unbiased feedback on what was going on in MM's mind. the responses suprised me...i recieved such honest advice or rather, opinions, that my first reaction was to be angry..." why are they being so mean and judgmental...i thought this was a support forum!" but then i saw that what i mistook for meanness was genuine concern and blunt honesty, exactly what i needed to hear. the truth isnt always pretty, but sometimes u need to hear, in not so nice terms, exactly what the deal is. but i truly believe it was hearing such honest opinions that helped me.

dont get me wrong, even though that now im sitting strong and feeling that come tomorrow i will tell him to **** off, that i deserve better, that i wont continue this destructive relationship, i cant say that it wont all crumble when he smiles at me...or tries to steal a kiss. i dont think it will, ive woken up to alot of things this weekend [the majority of which i figured out through this forum...thanks!} but i feel strong in knowing that if i falter, at least i have somewhere to turn to have someone slap me back to reality.

tinktronick,

To answer your question and as an unknowing OW...things get VERY heated in here. It's not just BS, but guest, and other long-timers which will add their thoughts to a post and rip you to shreads...not like you are already killing yourself inside with the situation.

Some people seem to think we are "bad." They don't want to hear how a MM can rip your soul to pieces, lie to you, and deceive you in so many ways. Many believe we brought this on ourselves. I can assure you in my case I did not...I was lied to from the beginning. (the xMM stated he was divorced)

I came here originally because no one, and I mean no one, I knew personally had been involved in this type of situation. I needed advice and had even gone to counseling which did not satisfy my questions. LS helped me through the many supportive BS and OW.

These people have been through the truma of this situation. They are the best to give advise on how to proceed. That being said, I have been slaughtered emotionally on here more then once. I.E. my recent post on whether to tell the wife or not. I am still struggling with that issue and have not decided which was to go.

When things get heated I generally try to take a non-aggressive approach to the post. And every once in a while I have my fill and fight back (which I know will get me no where).

Hopefully this satisfies your question.

UKO

i dont mean the a**holes who come on here and slaughter people tho...i have no patience for ignorant, judgmental losers...and unfortunately, being the OW or posting as one opens yourself up to being metophorically stoned. but at the same time, its just a chance you have take because despite those meanspirted people, u meet so many nice ones who genuinely listen to what u say and understand, which makes it worth it. im glad,UnknowingOW, that you didnt let those fools get you down, or inhibit you from saying what you want and being yourself. they are not worth it.

Thanks for the replies. I have another question. What qualifies as judgemental or slaughtering here ?

Thanks for the replies. I have another question. What qualifies as judgemental or slaughtering here ?

Namecalling, inciting an argument - the basic guidelines of posting with civility and respect should be followed on all forums.

"I think your choices are misguided" would be OK. "I think you're a selfish jerk" wouldn't.

Namecalling, inciting an argument - the basic guidelines of posting with civility and respect should be followed on all forums.

 

"I think your choices are misguided" would be OK. "I think you're a selfish jerk" wouldn't.

Yes I can see the differences between those two statements. But as I pointed out earlier, I've seen dissagreeing points of view turn into huge blow-ups .

The question is how to avoid that?

i dont mean the a**holes who come on here and slaughter people tho...i have no patience for ignorant, judgmental losers...and unfortunately, being the OW or posting as one opens yourself up to being metophorically stoned. but at the same time, its just a chance you have take because despite those meanspirted people, u meet so many nice ones who genuinely listen to what u say and understand, which makes it worth it. im glad,UnknowingOW, that you didnt let those fools get you down, or inhibit you from saying what you want and being yourself. they are not worth it.

Slaughter people? You mean like this:

i really hope u f**K the wrong man and get your ass kicked by his wife. i think thats the only counseling you need.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=863786#post863786

The problem is, emotions can run high in this section and some do take alot to heart and personally. Things that are worded one way can be taken out of context and taken the wrong way. I've seen threads here take a turn over the smallest thing because someone has personalized a comment and made it about them, not realizing that they're putting their own spin on it. And then reaction upon reaction happens...

I look at it this way, if someone has taken the time to put a reply in and it's respectful - It's not meant to be taken as an attack. The other thing is, harsh advice IS hard to read and I think many, myself included, have offered up advice here and been told to be quiet because of that.

Actually WW , if you read above , you will see that your posts in specific were referenced above .I have watched your posts in this forum and find many times that if advice you give conflicts , you get asked to leave or told you don't belong here. That was mainly my question was how to avoid that.,

You can't. Someone is always not going to like the advice. I don't take anything personally unless it's a direct hit against me. I don't know. I've learned to keep my mouth shut if I see that someone is really getting mad. Usually just back out completely because it's not worth the hassel and more reaction.

Just go with your gut. Sometimes the hardest advice to read is the best, even if they don't know it at that particular time. I've had two former OW's PM me and let me know that they appreciated my thoughts after all said and done because finally there were able to see my points without taking it out of context.

Any member or guest is welcome to post anywhere as long as they are admitted to the particular forum and they follow LoveShack.org guidelines and terms of use.

 

People of ALL opinions are welcome as long as they are being honest (are not trolls) and the rules are adhered to.

Thanks Tony.

Tink, FWIW, I'm a MM and have posted quite a bit in this forum. I've ruffled a few feathers, but never felt unwelcomed and think I've made a few friends too.

I agree with you L. Good to see you again by the way,

However lots of people are different and many do use the "give it to you straight approach". I'm not necessarily one of them , but I can be.

I think there are times when elements of that blunter approach are helpful as a sort of reality injection....as long as it's measured. Some people get into a comfort zone, when they're talking about their problems. They start behaving as though those who choose to listen to their problems have some sort of responsibility to remove the problem from them and solve it.

In those cases, a few reality injections might be the best way of discouraging learned dependency on other posters/supporters. So yes - I agree with you that sometimes reality injections are appropriate. Unfortunately, sometimes "reality injections" are little more than a projection of one's own issues onto someone else.

Imagine being bullied by your boss. Trying to defend yourself against his verbal attacks constitutes "being defensive and in denial". Agree with any of the content of those attacks, and he'll interpret that agreement as an admission of incompetence. Friction builds up. Whatever you do to work with your critic in an effort to solve the problem of "you" backfires on you. Suddenly your boss goes off sick, and you discover that he has long standing addiction problems. Does that mean you can trust any of his criticism? How do you sort out any constructive elements of his criticism from all the personal issues he was projecting onto you?

That's what other people's judgements can feel like, and I guess that's why people react so strongly against being judged. We know we're not perfect, and we're equally aware that others - including our critics - aren't perfect. Listening to your self, your choices and your mistakes being smugly condemned by someone who's really just trying to get rid of their own crap by passing it onto you is pretty tedious. That's what seems to often happen here, when people who fear the prospect of being betrayed by someone they love (and I include myself in that) project their anxieties onto others under a guise of actually trying to help them.

The person who applies "tough love" to others, but is incapable of taking an honest look inwards (eg to figure out why they have such a strong reaction against the person they're purporting to help) is, in my view, projecting a false sense of self. A strength of character that, if examined under some psycho-analytic microscope, would prove to be nothing more than a mish-mash of ego needs. On the other hand, the very act of cheating involves concealment and lies. Is one kind of dishonesty worse than another?

It's not an easy section to provide real, constructive help in, as many of the users are committed to the lifestyle they have chosen and really just want to talk to others who are in a similar position.