Need some input.....think I'm having an anxiety attack now

My ex-husband divorced me after almost 11 years...."I don't love you anymore".....

Issues.....mainly money (debt on my side), sex (lack of it) and some other things.....

It went fast from asking for divorce on Labor Day weekend, over giving me hope, to me finding nudy pics, to me signing the papers, to the divorce being final in January.....

He tried to hide the finalized papers from me to not ruin my birthday (4 days later) and because apparently our dog having to be put down after I signed the papers in Dec brought us a little closer together.....

He told me he does love me and he doesn't want me to move out and we should see what the next weeks/months bring.....

So I'm still living at home with him and our 2 children....

He's been a bit edgy lately and today this happened....

He just got home from the store after just getting some stuff for dinner....I called from upstairs "Did you do grocery shopping ??" and he jelled "What ????? ".....

I went downstairs and said "Wow, does that go a little bit harsher ???"....he said "Maybe !!! ".....I said "Am I interrupting your phone conversation ???"....he said "Yes, you are :mad:".....so I turned around and left....and he kept on talking on the blue-tooth....

Wow....I'm shocked....he hasn't talked to me like this in forever (ever since the whole divorce crap started).....

I just went to apologize and made a major *buhbuh* again....I said "I wanted to apologize for interrupting your conversation, I didn't know you were on the phone. Please tell her I'm sorry for interrupting." He barked at me "It was M. (brother) !!! Not a her !!!!!"....I said "I don't care who....I just wanted to apologize" and I left.....

It was bugging me so bad because his mother is very sick and I overheard him say "I haven't talked to her in a while" so they were most likely talking about her.... that I went downstairs again and apologized again....

He said in an upset tone "No need to apologize "....I said "Yes, I do because I feel bad"....he: "It doesn't matter ! ".....I said "Why".....he said "Because it doesn't matter.".....

What does that mean ???????????

Does that mean there is no chance for us anyway ????

He has been really upset with me because recently I was making stupid comments about "other girls" (like above) a lot and he seemed kinda hurt/sad/disappointed about this.....

Do you think everything is lost already or should I just back off a while and try to be as nice as I should have been ????

I don't want to make these comments, but I'm only human and it sometimes slips out....

Any advice ????

PLEASE !!!!!!!!!

All I wanted was a second chance....

Please tell me it's not ruined yet.....

Hello again Loveforever.

Every bit of what your going through is hard and it is far too easy to try and hang a lot of weight on anything and everything that happens. Its natural, your ears are constantly perked up looking for clues to his state of mind.

The ride your on is crushing to anyone, thats both sides of the fence, not just those left behind. Read the stories here and you see how the effects can literally destroy someone mentally, physically, and emotionally. Eventually that comes out.

What I'm getting at is that hes going to act out under the stress in his way, and that is usually going to be in an opposite direction from you. Give him a wide berth and save your self from looking for hints and clues and wait for cold hard facts. When he calms down and seems more able to communicate again, you can ask him what the tense moment was about and how you both could go about avoiding those situations in the future. As usual I cant predict his response, but its the best move you have at the moment and hopefully he will return the favor.

TOJAZ

My Dear,

Here are the sad painful facts.

You are divorced. If not technically soon to be on paper at least from what you say.

This is the most important part. READ CAREFULLY. You are currently in the midst of a "desparation mood" and as a result, per your your report, you are begging, pleading, over-apologizing, following his sorry ass around, feigning concern for a family member when you really want his attention, etc.

You can't fool LS.

NOW STOP IT. Don't further humilate yourself. Please post that you have got a handle on yourself.

I will send another post very soon.

Hello again Loveforever.

 

Every bit of what your going through is hard and it is far too easy to try and hang a lot of weight on anything and everything that happens. Its natural, your ears are constantly perked up looking for clues to his state of mind.

 

The ride your on is crushing to anyone, thats both sides of the fence, not just those left behind. Read the stories here and you see how the effects can literally destroy someone mentally, physically, and emotionally. Eventually that comes out.

 

What I'm getting at is that hes going to act out under the stress in his way, and that is usually going to be in an opposite direction from you. Give him a wide berth and save your self from looking for hints and clues and wait for cold hard facts. When he calms down and seems more able to communicate again, you can ask him what the tense moment was about and how you both could go about avoiding those situations in the future. As usual I cant predict his response, but its the best move you have at the moment and hopefully he will return the favor.

 

TOJAZ

He's calmed down a bit, but he's still bit edgy....

I can tell he's trying to talk nicely but I feel his tension....

I am trying to give him space now and not bother him too much.....

He's suffering from depression and it seems that he's going through another bout of it right now (listening to Pink Floyd)....he's even snappy with the kids....annoyed and all....

I don't know what set it off....maybe he received a call from the tattooed "biatch" and it kinda stirred him up....or he just came to realize that I've neglected my changes (finances due to traveling overseas for my mom's funeral, gym etc.) lately ?!?!?

I just can't tell....and I won't ask....

As I wrote in the coping section.....I'm trying to turn into a bitch again ("Why men love bitches") and return to working on my changes hard again.....

I just hope it was a depression episode and he will not give up on us yet.....

Tojaz has given you outstanding advice. What I wrote was hurried as you post looked to me like an emergency, however, I meant what I said.

I will only add that you are obviously under quite a bit of stress and showing signs of anxiety even in content and method in which you write. I think it would be wise for you to see the family M.D., or another type of medical professional that can examine and treat you for symptoms of anxiety. As well, a divorce is a loss. And you may be looking at a grieving period. If he does not want you, you must turn your back on him and think of him as if he no longer existed.

I am in the same place as you. I don't want to believe it either. You are not alone. We must accept it and move forward. I have been hoping for over two years. It's called denial. Please don't waste that much time. Best wishes to you! Yasuandio

My Dear,

 

Here are the sad painful facts.

 

You are divorced. If not technically soon to be on paper at least from what you say.

 

This is the most important part. READ CAREFULLY. You are currently in the midst of a "desparation mood" and as a result, per your your report, you are begging, pleading, over-apologizing, following his sorry ass around, feigning concern for a family member when you really want his attention, etc.

 

You can't fool LS.

 

NOW STOP IT. Don't further humilate yourself. Please post that you have got a handle on yourself.

 

I will send another post very soon.

I'll agree with most of what Yas has posted here, but you are not humiliating yourself. I see very little out of line with your reaction aside from breaking 180 and letting your anxiety and panic get the better of yourself, of course thats a lot like faulting a guy for being frightened as he dangles from a cliff!

You felt anxiety thats a sign that that you need to step away and it is definitely NOT time to be interacting with your H! Youve seen the line, you crossed it and got yourself knocked back a bit.... lesson learned.

Please Do cut out the accusations of other women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Read the 180 again!

TOJAZ

My Dear,

 

Here are the sad painful facts.

 

You are divorced. If not technically soon to be on paper at least from what you say.

 

This is the most important part. READ CAREFULLY. You are currently in the midst of a "desparation mood" and as a result, per your your report, you are begging, pleading, over-apologizing, following his sorry ass around, feigning concern for a family member when you really want his attention, etc.

 

You can't fool LS.

 

NOW STOP IT. Don't further humilate yourself. Please post that you have got a handle on yourself.

 

I will send another post very soon.

Yes, I am begging, pleading, over-apologizing, following his sorry ass around like a little puppy that just wants to be loved.....

I know exactly what I need to do to find my dignity and not humiliate myself further.....

But it's sooooooooooooo hard to do when you love someone so much !!!!!! When there's two wonderful kids involved......

I have moments/days where I feel so good about myself and think "F**k you !!!! If you think you're better off this way.....good riddance" and then I see how it affects him....he turns into the sweet little puppy....

But when there are moments like this...everything seemed fine before he went to the store and then *bang*.....I just feel overwhelmed and scared again.....

After all I'm only human and no robot that can be programmed to the owners liking....

I want to make all the changes that he would like to see because they will make me a better person, but I would be lying to say it's easy.....

One step forward, two steps back....

He's calmed down a bit, but he's still bit edgy....

 

I can tell he's trying to talk nicely but I feel his tension....

 

I am trying to give him space now and not bother him too much.....

 

He's suffering from depression and it seems that he's going through another bout of it right now (listening to Pink Floyd)....he's even snappy with the kids....annoyed and all....

 

I don't know what set it off....maybe he received a call from the tattooed "biatch" and it kinda stirred him up....or he just came to realize that I've neglected my changes (finances due to traveling overseas for my mom's funeral, gym etc.) lately ?!?!?

 

I just can't tell....and I won't ask....

 

As I wrote in the coping section.....I'm trying to turn into a bitch again ("Why men love bitches") and return to working on my changes hard again.....

 

I just hope it was a depression episode and he will not give up on us yet.....

Don't turn into a bitch! Most men don't love bitches, i don't get that, never have. Dont turn into anything!!!!!!! Just be you plain and simple. Strong, confident, but also not afraid of caring. The 180 is not an act, its you getting back to the real you and a few hints on how to keep yourself out of the desperation mode when your around him. If you find yourself doing anything you wouldn't truly want for yourself.... then your doing it wrong!!!

Your not slipping on your changes, expenses for travel is an isolated incident, for gym is to facilitate other changes you wanted to make. Don't be so hard on yourself!!!

Yes, I am begging, pleading, over-apologizing, following his sorry ass around like a little puppy that just wants to be loved.....

 

I know exactly what I need to do to find my dignity and not humiliate myself further.....

 

But it's sooooooooooooo hard to do when you love someone so much !!!!!! When there's two wonderful kids involved......

 

I have moments/days where I feel so good about myself and think "F**k you !!!! If you think you're better off this way.....good riddance" and then I see how it affects him....he turns into the sweet little puppy....

 

But when there are moments like this...everything seemed fine before he went to the store and then *bang*.....I just feel overwhelmed and scared again.....

 

After all I'm only human and no robot that can be programmed to the owners liking....

 

I want to make all the changes that he would like to see because they will make me a better person, but I would be lying to say it's easy.....

 

One step forward, two steps back....

Nothing worthwhile is easy!

Keep your head up! You will have a PM shortly.

TOJAZ

Don't turn into a bitch! Most men don't love bitches, i don't get that, never have. Dont turn into anything!!!!!!! Just be you plain and simple. Strong, confident, but also not afraid of caring. The 180 is not an act, its you getting back to the real you and a few hints on how to keep yourself out of the desperation mode when your around him. If you find yourself doing anything you wouldn't truly want for yourself.... then your doing it wrong!!!

 

Your not slipping on your changes, expenses for travel is an isolated incident, for gym is to facilitate other changes you wanted to make. Don't be so hard on yourself!!!

 

 

 

Nothing worthwhile is easy!

Keep your head up! You will have a PM shortly.

TOJAZ

Dear Tojaz,

I answered your PM....

Turning into a bitch doesn't mean the bitch everyone is thinking about.....

The book shows the difference between two types of women: the nice girl (me now) and the bitch (me, when my ex-husband met me).....

The nice girl tries to accommodate the guy from the beginning, doing all the needy stuff and the guy has to just take his cake and eat it.....

The bitch has a lot of confidence, doesn't agree to everything and lets the guy do the hunting after her....that's what men need to be attracted to a woman....

Bitch is a negative term....but "Why men love women who are confident enough so men desire them" would be a bit of a lame title for a book...."Why men love bitches" is more catchy.....

I used to be a "bitch" when he met me....

Unfortunately due to me being German and me not being able to work for a while until I got my work permit started to turn me into the nice girl....slowly but surely I started to depend on him more and more....

And to be honest with you....if I wasn't financially dependent on him right now my situation would look slightly different right now....

I would still want him more than anything in my life, but I would be in a better position....I would've probably moved out and done the 180 much better then....

Anyway.....I am trying to take all your advice....really.....

I want to be confident so badly !!!!!!!!

It's easier on the days that he is at work (like tomorrow night) because he can't smile and flirt with me, because he can't be grouchy with me and for those 12 hours every day that I don't see him my confidence is bitchin'.....but when I see his sweet face, hear his sexy voice or when he acts mad, my confidence level goes down to earthworm.....

Dear Tojaz,

 

I answered your PM....

 

Turning into a bitch doesn't mean the bitch everyone is thinking about.....

 

The book shows the difference between two types of women: the nice girl (me now) and the bitch (me, when my ex-husband met me).....

 

The nice girl tries to accommodate the guy from the beginning, doing all the needy stuff and the guy has to just take his cake and eat it.....

 

The bitch has a lot of confidence, doesn't agree to everything and lets the guy do the hunting after her....that's what men need to be attracted to a woman....

 

Bitch is a negative term....but "Why men love women who are confident enough so men desire them" would be a bit of a lame title for a book...."Why men love bitches" is more catchy.....

 

I used to be a "bitch" when he met me....

 

Unfortunately due to me being German and me not being able to work for a while until I got my work permit started to turn me into the nice girl....slowly but surely I started to depend on him more and more....

 

And to be honest with you....if I wasn't financially dependent on him right now my situation would look slightly different right now....

 

I would still want him more than anything in my life, but I would be in a better position....I would've probably moved out and done the 180 much better then....

 

Anyway.....I am trying to take all your advice....really.....

 

I want to be confident so badly !!!!!!!!

 

It's easier on the days that he is at work (like tomorrow night) because he can't smile and flirt with me, because he can't be grouchy with me and for those 12 hours every day that I don't see him my confidence is bitchin'.....but when I see his sweet face, hear his sexy voice or when he acts mad, my confidence level goes down to earthworm.....

 

Nice Girl = Door Mat

Bitch = Confident Woman

I would think that little change up would do wonders for the confidence, don't you agree? I personally wipe my feet on a door mat, don't you deserve better?

TOJAZ

Nice Girl = Door Mat

Bitch = Confident Woman

 

I would think that little change up would do wonders for the confidence, don't you agree? I personally wipe my feet on a door mat, don't you deserve better?

TOJAZ

Exactly....

But I guess it's like with smoking or drinking (which I don't do, but it's a good comparison)....you know it's bad for you and you should stop it, but it's really hard to do....

Not saying that my ex-h is bad for me, because I know he isn't....but the way I am right now is not good for me....I know it and I'm trying.....

Earth to Earthworm...

Didn't you say you were divorced? Are you now reconciling? Please advise status. I want to see you get what you want but I am really confused.

Also, there may have been a message indirectly intended for me, which actually made no sense. Don't attempt to debate a smart person with criptic messages.

Earth to Earthworm...

 

Didn't you say you were divorced? Are you now reconciling? Please advise status. I want to see you get what you want but I am really confused.

My ex-husband divorced me after almost 11 years...."I don't love you anymore".....

Issues.....mainly money (debt on my side), sex (lack of it) and some other things.....

It went fast from asking for divorce on Labor Day weekend, over giving me hope, to me finding nudy pics, to me signing the papers, to the divorce being final in January.....

He tried to hide the finalized papers from me to not ruin my birthday (4 days later) and because apparently our dog having to be put down after I signed the papers in Dec brought us a little closer together.....

He told me he does love me and he doesn't want me to move out and we should see what the next weeks/months bring.....

So I'm still living at home with him and our 2 children....

Also, there may have been a message indirectly intended for me, which actually made no sense. Don't attempt to debate a smart person with criptic messages.

I don't understand this....please clarify this....

I used to be a "bitch" (CONFIDENT WOMAN)when he met me....

.... AND YOU FELL IN LOVE AND EVENTUALLY GOT MARRIED

 

 

 

started to turn me into the nice girl (DOOR MAT)....slowly but surely I started to depend on him more and more....

 

... AND NOW?

 

Pretty easy to do the math on this one.

Its faulty logic, seems all too intuitive that if you give someone everything and do whatever they want then they would obviously want to stay with you, a lot of times the very opposite is true though.

This is a subject I have far too much personal experience with loveforever! I'm really fighting the urge to thread jack right now.

TOJAZ

backstory http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264913/

Pretty easy to do the math on this one.

Its faulty logic, seems all too intuitive that if you give someone everything and do whatever they want then they would obviously want to stay with you, a lot of times the very opposite is true though.

This is a subject I have far too much personal experience with loveforever! I'm really fighting the urge to thread jack right now.

 

TOJAZ

Go ahead....thread jack.....I highly value your opinion !!!!!! (PM !!!!!)

Oh, and it sounds like you've read the "Bitch" book .....everything you write is pretty much what the book says....so it must have some truth to it.....

Originally Posted by loveforever

I used to be a "bitch" (CONFIDENT WOMAN)when he met me....

.... AND YOU FELL IN LOVE AND EVENTUALLY GOT MARRIED

 

 

 

started to turn me into the nice girl (DOOR MAT)....slowly but surely I started to depend on him more and more....

 

... AND NOW?

It's like you lose all of yourself once you're married.....and only the strong really stay true to themselves.....

I've only finished chapter 3 so far, so I still have a lot to learn....

I have to write down some chants to say to myself every time I feel weak.....

One I will pin to my mirror, computer, truck and at work (yes, I printed it out 4 times !!!)

"I (add name), know I am strong enough, smart enough and capable enough to not only survive but thrive on my own. I am sincere enough to say that I love this man with all my heart, but I do not need him to survive. I can live without him, I'd just rather not!"

Thanks Tojaz !!!!!

I will try my best to follow the 180....follow the bitch bible.....and stick to my changes again.....

It can only make me better !!!!!!!

Tojaz especially, but also to everyone else who helps me through this mess....

That a Girl!!! :bunny::bunny:

I don't understand this....please clarify this....

Dear Loveforever, please disregard that comment I wrote on your post. It was not intended for you at all, and based, evidently, on my misunderstanding of another post. I am so very sorry.

Now, it seems like there is a history on Loveshack that I have missed out on. I do not unnderstand the stuff about being a Bitch. You seem very sweet and kindhearted. I don't believe it is necessary to be a bitch to attract your mate.

Maybe a little more mysterious, or a change here or there to spice things up. Let's start first by reversing that anxiety induced behavior the other night. And divorce or no divorce he is still there, that's interesting.

I read on a post yesterday (I wish I could remember who said it), that really divorce is just the big kid term for I don't wanna be friends with you. Something like that. This is only a dangling thread. In all honesty, what are the chances for remarriage (or reversal of the divorce) in your opinion? If that's what you even want.

Besides the 180, Last Resort - Do Something Different, I would make a suggestion, but run it by Tojaz first. I don't think it would hurt one bit if your husband had a reminder here and there that YOU are not HIS anymore. It would have to be subtle.

I would just start being cool for now, get a new hair style, check out a healthy diet plan, pick-up something new at TJ's, or whereever. I have a feeling you really deserve a treat! Do you have an iPhone? When's the last time you've been to Starbuck's with the girls? Treated yourself to some special bath oil or salts?

Why are you guys in the same house? Does he directly indicate that he wants to reconcile? Is it for the kids? Why are you still together - I guess I really have not grasp that yet.

Tonight I will try to read only your threads so I don't get mixed up. You are beautiful, go smile at yourself in the mirror!!

You are absolutely correct Loveforever, I have found just with a little experiment this weekend, that I was correct in what I had discerned from my ex doing what he did to me and from the last two years and the way men chase after women who have abused them on these boards. Usually when I go out to a club I get very little attention, just by turning into a "b1tch" I had four guys hit on me in 2 hours.

It's sad that man do not want a genuine, honset, nice women but they are BEGGING for a b1tch. Hey ho.

It's sad that man do not want a genuine, honset, nice women but they are BEGGING for a b1tch. Hey ho.

While it might be easy to think that (please don't use the men that hang out in bars or clubs as a yard stick though ). Some of us men do want honest, genuine ladies. I am one of them. Luckily enough I've found one in my current wife.

I guess it depends on who you want to attract and why you want to attract them. Now that being said I have no issue with my wife being a little fiesty, but there is a line between that and a b__h.

While it might be easy to think that (please don't use the men that hang out in bars or clubs as a yard stick though ). Some of us men do want honest, genuine ladies. I am one of them. Luckily enough I've found one in my current wife.

 

I guess it depends on who you want to attract and why you want to attract them. Now that being said I have no issue with my wife being a little fiesty, but there is a line between that and a b__h.

WN, it's not based on men in clubs, it's based upon observations from men in general and from on here, yourself included! Remains to be seen yet if I am correct...time will tell.

The word "b1tch" is a bit deceptive and does not mean what you think.

Hi Loveforever,

Just been reading your latest thread and felt I had to reply. I have been in that same, sad desperate place that you are currently in, anxiously analysing every word and gesture my STBXH made- beating myself up for not being smart enough, pretty enough, interesting enough to hold his attention.

You deserve better.

I offer one piece of heartfelt advice.

Let him go.

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

WN, it's not based on men in clubs, it's based upon observations from men in general and from on here, yourself included! Remains to be seen yet if I am correct...time will tell.

 

The word "b1tch" is a bit deceptive and does not mean what you think.

Yes, Willowthewisp is correct. There are men to be found everywhere besides bars and clubs (grocery store, gym, Starbucks, Internet chat rooms, etc.). While I may have some natural tendencies, I really wanna read up on this Bitch subject. Can you'all direct me to the best resources? Thanks in advance!

Hope you are well Loveforever! I will learn @ being a bitch and get back to ya! Yasu

PMed you Yasu.