How can I go about lowering my standards?

I don't have any trouble meeting men, it's just meeting men that I actually like. I just posted 2 days ago about recently meeting a guy I really liked and I slept with him way too soon and he wasn't interested in anything more than sex.

With that being said, this is the first guy in nearly 5 months that I wanted to pursue things further with. He is maybe the 10th guy I have gone on a first date with. I give out my number plenty but it's rare that it ever gets to the first date because I will lose interest even before.

With my dating history in mind, it's safe to say that this is a recurring number, that I like only ONE first date out of 10 first dates. But it seems like that the one first date that I want is ONLY interested in me for a physical relationship or is not interested in becoming exclusive, and the other 9 I don't want tend to misread my signs and have always wanted to become very serious.

Friends tell me it is because I like the chase, but that is not true. I do not enjoy the chase, never have, never will. Sure, I don't dig "needy" guys but I don't like aloof ones either.

I've always gotten disappointed and I'm almost 27 now and although I am pretty young, I am becoming more and more discouraged. I finally decided that it must be that my standards are too high and I am looking for the wrong guy. The guys I like usually have very similar traits and looks and I guess they want something a little more than I what I am. I tend to go for artistic, bearded, creative types and to them I am the other 9 first dates. I really fear that with this kind of thinking I will be single forever.

Even my ex, he was one who only wanted a physical relationship but after 9 months of torture and non-commitment he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I just can't take another 9 months of waiting like that, no matter how amazing I think a man is.

How do I do it? How do I become more accepting of people who don't meet my standards? I'm too specific in what I want but funny enough, they are not even that high. Most of my girlfriends think I have odd taste in men. I'm just attracted to men who don't dig me enough for whatever reason.

I did not read the whole text.

I am just going to comment on the subject headline.

Why would you want to lower your standards? (perhaps your body copy explains it) but the headline is the condense form of what worries you.

So, it is good to control your Ego, if not ... the Ego will control you. By lowering your standards, you show some discipline over your self-interests. Which is good ... on the other hand, if you lower your standards, you are setting limitations on yourself -- I call it assumed constraint, which in most cases is about to hold you back.

By consuming alcohol, one can unintentionally lower their standards. At which point it is useful to have some good friends around. I think a great way to lower your standards is with a healthy dose of self critique, asess yourself according to your own standards.

People I know who have doggedly stuck with online dating have said that somewhere around date 30 they finally tend to meet someone.

My point is, it's a numbers game. You can be lucky very soon, or you may have to go through a lot more dates before you click with someone.

Regarding lowering your standards...I don't think this is the issue, what you want is to be able to feel attraction for men that you do not feel attraction for. You can't make that happen - you could totally ignore your lack of attraction and go for them anyway, but that's hardly fair on them or you.

If you have a list of standards in your head though, that every guy must fulfill, just keep it short - must be kind, reliable, treat me well and forget about hair colour, height etc. That way you 'lower your standards' by simply allowing yourself to feel attracted to men you feel attracted to, no matter what their job, or status or other thing that might be less then desireable in your eyes.

If you find yourself not even getting to a first date with somebody, I would suggest you force yourself to go on the first date at least. Give the relationship a chance. It can be difficult for a person to be themselves when they're trying to set up a date, the situation is very stressful and unnatural in some ways.

You mentioned liking men that don't like you very much. Are you aware that there is a whole cottage industry out there on the Internet that attempts to teach men how to act uninterested in order to get sex? Is it possible you are somewhat addicted to the drama of this game, to the point where it feels better to you than natural attraction.

Also, sleeping with a guy quickly is pretty much a recipe for heartbreak on your part.

Scott

I think a great way to lower your standards is with a healthy dose of self critique, asess yourself according to your own standards.

I tried assessing myself according to my standards. I don't really have huge ones, and I don't ever go for Mr. Hot Macho Man. Like I mentioned, I go for intellectual artsy fartsy types. So to be more specific I need my man to be worldly, involved, and engaging. Not to mention attractive to me which I've heard many times is not that attractive to the general eye.

I'm worldly, involved, and engaging (I think...) And I find myself decently attractive.

If you have a list of standards in your head though, that every guy must fulfill, just keep it short - must be kind, reliable, treat me well and forget about hair colour, height etc. That way you 'lower your standards' by simply allowing yourself to feel attracted to men you feel attracted to, no matter what their job, or status or other thing that might be less then desireable in your eyes.

I don't put a whole lot of emphasis on physical attributes and I don't think I really care much about one's job or status, so I don't know why it's so damn hard for me to like someone for more than a day. But yours is very good advice.

I think I will try and go on dates with everyone. I've been like this since High School, I meet a guy, then I decide very quickly that I don't.

You mentioned liking men that don't like you very much. Are you aware that there is a whole cottage industry out there on the Internet that attempts to teach men how to act uninterested in order to get sex? Is it possible you are somewhat addicted to the drama of this game, to the point where it feels better to you than natural attraction.

Yes, men that I like don't often seem to want anything more with me than sex. It may be that I like men who are too intelligent and they find me ditzy or in my own bubble. I can be that way at times, I'll admit that. I am aware that men try their damnedest to get women to sleep with them by doing the whole "I'm aloof, I'm not too available" thing and that drives me nuts! Women don't do that! At least I don't nor do my friends. I don't think I'm addicted to the drama of the game, or if I am, it is entirely subconcious.

I guess I should just go with the flow and not try to make it happen.

I don't think you can artificially lower your standards because you won't be happy with someone who doesn't do it for you. Ultimately, you'll be unable to stay with them or you'll be miserable. You have to be true to yourself. You can't help how you feel so accept it.

What I'd recommend is going on more first dates with a broader range of men and get to know the ones that interest you in some way even if it isn't romantically. Don't treat each date as an interview for someone you'd like to have a relationship with but for what it is, a chance to meet and get to know someone.

I've had many dates that have turned out to become friends or part of my network. Occasionally, they've turned into more and I've been surprised a couple of times by women I didn't connect with immediately who became important to me. These women had qualities that I didn't know I'd enjoy. They weren't my 'type' but I liked them for who they were.

So... I would lay aside the preconceptions, stop looking for Mr. Right, and just get out there and meet a bunch of people. The worst thing that happens is you go one some dates that may be difficult to get through.

Good luck.

I'm lost. What "standards" do you think need lowering? You talk about lowering your standrads, but give no indication what those standards are. The only time you'd need to lower your standards is if those standards were unreasonable in some way.

I don't have any trouble meeting men, it's just meeting men that I actually like. I just posted 2 days ago about recently meeting a guy I really liked and I slept with him way too soon and he wasn't interested in anything more than sex.

 

With that being said, this is the first guy in nearly 5 months that I wanted to pursue things further with. He is maybe the 10th guy I have gone on a first date with. I give out my number plenty but it's rare that it ever gets to the first date because I will lose interest even before.

 

With my dating history in mind, it's safe to say that this is a recurring number, that I like only ONE first date out of 10 first dates. But it seems like that the one first date that I want is ONLY interested in me for a physical relationship or is not interested in becoming exclusive, and the other 9 I don't want tend to misread my signs and have always wanted to become very serious.

 

Friends tell me it is because I like the chase, but that is not true. I do not enjoy the chase, never have, never will. Sure, I don't dig "needy" guys but I don't like aloof ones either.

 

I've always gotten disappointed and I'm almost 27 now and although I am pretty young, I am becoming more and more discouraged. I finally decided that it must be that my standards are too high and I am looking for the wrong guy. The guys I like usually have very similar traits and looks and I guess they want something a little more than I what I am. I tend to go for artistic, bearded, creative types and to them I am the other 9 first dates. I really fear that with this kind of thinking I will be single forever.

 

Even my ex, he was one who only wanted a physical relationship but after 9 months of torture and non-commitment he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I just can't take another 9 months of waiting like that, no matter how amazing I think a man is.

 

How do I do it? How do I become more accepting of people who don't meet my standards? I'm too specific in what I want but funny enough, they are not even that high. Most of my girlfriends think I have odd taste in men. I'm just attracted to men who don't dig me enough for whatever reason.

Comment in bold totally contradicts your post (actually your entire post!). How are you standards high? With all due respect, from what you are telling here your standards are pretty low. You're the one that is allowing men with such behavior to enter your life. They are who they are and are going to do to you what you allow them to do. Maybe setting standards period may be more like it?!

Again, no pun intended. I'm just not too clear about what your "Standards" are. Maybe you can tell a bit more...

Comment in bold totally contradicts your post (actually your entire post!). How are you standards high? With all due respect, from what you are telling here your standards are pretty low. You're the one that is allowing men with such behavior to enter your life. They are who they are and are going to do to you what you allow them to do. Maybe setting standards period may be more like it?!

 

Again, no pun intended. I'm just not too clear about what your "Standards" are. Maybe you can tell a bit more...

Completely agree. You stuck around with a guy for 9 months who basically told you he just wanted to be f*** buddies and that's high standards? Yikes.

I think you need to raise your standards where it matters...realize that you deserve someone who treats you with dignity, respect, and eventually love. If you are looking for relationship material don't stick with guys who aren't plainly looking for the same. Your standards in the looks and attraction department are irrelevant to your situation, IMO.

Originally Posted by Mimolicious

Comment in bold totally contradicts your post (actually your entire post!). How are you standards high? With all due respect, from what you are telling here your standards are pretty low. You're the one that is allowing men with such behavior to enter your life. They are who they are and are going to do to you what you allow them to do. Maybe setting standards period may be more like it?!

 

Again, no pun intended. I'm just not too clear about what your "Standards" are. Maybe you can tell a bit more...

Completely agree. You stuck around with a guy for 9 months who basically told you he just wanted to be f*** buddies and that's high standards? Yikes.

 

I think you need to raise your standards where it matters...realize that you deserve someone who treats you with dignity, respect, and eventually love. If you are looking for relationship material don't stick with guys who aren't plainly looking for the same. Your standards in the looks and attraction department are irrelevant to your situation, IMO.

The man I saw last week and my ex were the only two situations ever in my life where I started out with a sexual relationship from the very beginning. Every other man I've dated has been of "normal" courtship, dating a few times, and then entering the bedroom, but even then, they say they don't want a relationship any further than a casual one. I thought I'd point those two out to demonstrate that it doesn't matter whether or not I sleep with them on the first date, the men I like simply don't want anything to do with me after. The men I don't like however, are always calling me and asking me for 2nd, 3rd, 4th dates, wanting to be exclusive, etc.

My question basically was to see how I could date those other men that I don't like, the ones who ask for a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

The man I saw last week and my ex were the only two situations ever in my life where I started out with a sexual relationship from the very beginning. Every other man I've dated has been of "normal" courtship, dating a few times, and then entering the bedroom, but even then, they say they don't want a relationship any further than a casual one. I thought I'd point those two out to demonstrate that it doesn't matter whether or not I sleep with them on the first date, the men I like simply don't want anything to do with me after. The men I don't like however, are always calling me and asking me for 2nd, 3rd, 4th dates, wanting to be exclusive, etc.

 

My question basically was to see how I could date those other men that I don't like, the ones who ask for a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

Well, you need to be honest with yourself & us.

Why don't you like the men pursueing you but like the men who only want sex?

Is it based on looks?

Are the guys you sleep with really good looking?

Are the guys your avoiding not so good looking?

This is usually the case & women have a really hard time admiting that for some reason.

The man I saw last week and my ex were the only two situations ever in my life where I started out with a sexual relationship from the very beginning. Every other man I've dated has been of "normal" courtship, dating a few times, and then entering the bedroom, but even then, they say they don't want a relationship any further than a casual one. I thought I'd point those two out to demonstrate that it doesn't matter whether or not I sleep with them on the first date, the men I like simply don't want anything to do with me after. The men I don't like however, are always calling me and asking me for 2nd, 3rd, 4th dates, wanting to be exclusive, etc.

 

My question basically was to see how I could date those other men that I don't like, the ones who ask for a deeper, more meaningful relationship.

Why would you date men that you don't like? That's not going to work!

Been there done that! Will make you to your stomach eventually.