would you want your spouse to stay if...

question. so say your spouse has an affair. theres a d-day and they tell you that they want to stay, make it right, love you, that they are truly sorry. and they mean it. you work through it and make the marriage work. youre happy, although things will never be the same.

so what if your former ws has found his/her way back to loving you, but still loves the other person. say they are living their life knowing that although they love you, its not what they felt for the other person and it never will be. that they struggle every day with the memories of that other person and the fact that even though your marriage is happy, that the happiness is not what it could be with someone else.

would you want to know? and would you want to stay with them knowing that they carry these feelings?

thanks for the input.

I couldn't. I see the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, state publicly that his OW in South America is his "soul mate."

Why would his wife want to continue in that marriage?

If you still feel this way about your exMM in a year, two years from now, three years from now, and can't let go of the feelings for him, then it isn't fair to your H.

It's too soon BEG. You need to try to work through letting exMM go, getting him out of your heart, your head. Until you do that, do NC in your head totally - You're stuck in a circle game.

I'm sure if your H knew how deeply you felt about exMM (now) he's going to give you time to heal and let go..Again, but if a year or two passes and emotionally you haven't moved on, then he needs to re-think things..

You may always love your exMM forever..Just don't make him a priority, someone you think about too often.

He should know your true feelings. Set him free. We all deserve someone that gives 110% and loves us, for us, without anyone else turning their head. He knows of your A right?

i wasnt really talking about my xmm in this question (although i could see why you would think that). at least right now, i feel indifferent about him. after the getting thrown under the bus i could never trust him again and i dont have those sort of feelings that i used to. in my mind it was all sort of fabricated and unreal. i certainly dont still feel like he was "the one." i was actually talking about him and what he told me a few weeks ago. im trying to make sense of it. seems to me like hes still playing the game. doing what it takes to keep her, but not necessarily feeling the right things. why the need to tell me he still loved me and didnt feel that way for her. but what im questioning, i wonder if she would want to know (if this is the truth) that this is how he really feels inside.

(and im not saying im thinking of telling her either, just a question)

BEG, but wondering this stuff, about his wife, their marriage, what he told her, thinking he's still playing the game - IS not helping you get past this. It's done. Over. Honestly, there's no good in wondering 'bout this stuff.. You don't know what goes on between them behind closed doors. What he says to her, what their dynamic is..

Focus on you and your H, your marriage. Please, for your own sake.

question. so say your spouse has an affair. theres a d-day and they tell you that they want to stay, make it right, love you, that they are truly sorry. and they mean it. you work through it and make the marriage work. youre happy, although things will never be the same.

 

so what if your former ws has found his/her way back to loving you, but still loves the other person. say they are living their life knowing that although they love you, its not what they felt for the other person and it never will be. that they struggle every day with the memories of that other person and the fact that even though your marriage is happy, that the happiness is not what it could be with someone else.

 

would you want to know? and would you want to stay with them knowing that they carry these feelings?

 

thanks for the input.

I would have filed for divorce as soon as possible after finding out about the affair, pushed it along as speedily as possible, and probably bang the OM's wife/sister(s)/mom like a screendoor in a hurricane.

But that's just me.

actually, he came to me and told me he was struggling with it. and so i wonder what i should have said. i didnt respond to it as im shutting him out and forcing the NC he wanted. but i wonder if she'd want to know.

so please, if anyone had been in a situation like this would you want to know?

why the need to tell me he still loved me and didnt feel that way for her. but what im questioning, i wonder if she would want to know (if this is the truth) that this is how he really feels inside.

The thing is, he's telling you one thing and telling her another. Only HE knows the truth. Honestly, I wouldn't take him at his word.. Does it really matter either way? His mess is his to own and deal with, and however he chooses to handle this is up to him. If he's playing a game - Don't play it! Ignore him. Don't allow him to tell you anything about his personal life. Cut him off.

BEG,

Be honest with yourself. If you were really "indifferent" about him, his telling you this wouldn't have prompted you to be so concerned about her staying with him under those circumstances.

There is no way I'd stay in a marriage like that, if I knew about it.

But I really think that your *concern* over the state of their marriage says far more about your inner feelings about him (as a reflection of his feelings for you) and totally negate the said indifference.

I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting to yourself that you are still deeply in love with this man. But there is something wrong with trying to deny it. Of course, the first responders assumed it was about you and your marriage. The tone of the OP is so emotionally invested in it, it seems personal - not indifferent.

Do you talk to your therapist about this? There is so much more beneath the surface of this.

Are you thinking of telling her what he's been telling you? It'll open a whole new can of worms.. Especially for your H.

im not saying i dont love him, am not in love with him etc. let me rephrase that - the him during the affair. but how i feel about him now is indifferent. i look at him and feel like hes just a lying jerk.

no, i would never tell her. i have no desire to do that. but i think if i had responded to him then i would have said that he needs to be telling her those things, not me.

would you want to know? and would you want to stay with them knowing that they carry these feelings?

Yes, I would want to know the truth about how my WS genuinely feels and what is in his heart.

I would incorporate this information into everything else I know about my WS and then make a decision as to whether or not our relationship is 'good enough' for me to remain in it.

At nearly 5 yrs out, I believe my WH still has feelings for OW, has fond memories of their time together, likely misses her or, at least, the way she made him feel. I have solid proof that he was still pining for her at 2 1/2 yrs out from d-day (a computer file of his which I accidentally stumbled upon.) Since it is impossible for me to really know what is in his heart, I can only go by 'circumstancial' evidence ~ his inability to fully return to ME after d-day. I believe that it is, at least, partially true that he still holds her very dear to his heart. And, this has been a very real obstacle to our ability to R.

THIS is NOT good enough for me.

I will not settle for a spouse who still has feelings for OW.

Needless to say, our M is essentially over.

What we have now is a nice partnership in co-parenting our kids.

We get along very well together and things are going very well.

But, once the kids are launched and independent to my satisfaction, I will D.

I am an all or nothing...black & white...kind of thinker.

Either H & I have ONLY each other in our hearts....or we have nothing together.

I will not settle.

mad - thanks for the response. i honestly am curious. and this is what my H & I decided from the get-go. we werent going to stay if we couldnt get "it" back. and i dont know where we'll end. but "it" is coming back much easier and faster than i expected.

I've been where your H is BEG.

Now I'm obviously not your H but I'll tell you my take and what I recall.

I DO specifically recall thinking I do not want to spend the rest of this M always looking over my shoulder for "him". Either my xW's lover or another potential one.

Did I worry she still "loved" him and would go back into the A. Yes.

Did I fear I would never have "all of her back"? Yes.

In fact, that's the case. She had given not only her body but part of her heart to him as well. Not pleasant.

I suspect your H knows that a part of you will never be reclaimed. It will always be the OM's. Now, how he handles it is up to him. And he may not even know himself.

I think its very important for him to reconcile that you "loved" him and the OM. If he can't, then each day is another betrayal. Another part of you you give to the OM.

Telling him the depth of your feelings for the MM can go either way...good or bad. I certainly wouldn't tell him now. Too fresh. Ask your MC/IC.

mad - thanks for the response. i honestly am curious. and this is what my H & I decided from the get-go. we werent going to stay if we couldnt get "it" back. and i dont know where we'll end. but "it" is coming back much easier and faster than i expected.

So Happy to hear this BEG. Give it time, you see what the OM truly was. In time your indifference may turn to disgust.

Stay the course, stay NC, stay truthful and honest with your H, in time your thoughts and "what if's" about the OM will die.

Peace, and Good Luck

To answer your question...no I would not want to be in a marriage with someone who didn't love me...someone who was pining away for someone else.

I have a sincere question for your MBEG...

Why do you expect more from fmm than you are able to do yourself? You have posted quite a bit about your feelings for fmm and even in this thread you say you love him..you have posted quite a bit about your difficulty letting go of the affair and the fmm. AND yet you have also posted that you love your H and want the M. Why do you expect more from fmm when based on what you have posted..he is doing what you are doing.

Do you expect to be able to recover your marriage in spite of your current feelings for fmm?

Do you feel that your emotions for fmm negate your feelings for your H?

MBEG,

mad - thanks for the response. i honestly am curious. and this is what my H & I decided from the get-go. we werent going to stay if we couldnt get "it" back. and i dont know where we'll end. but "it" is coming back much easier and faster than i expected.

Wow...that really IS good news.

I am very happy for you.

I wish you all the best.

my H and i decided to at least try. i say that not knowing how it will end up, because of my feelings, because of the pain etc. but we are willing to give it some work. but we've also said it wont be forever with us trying to get it back. if i cant let go of xmm, then i'll admit it. to myself and to my husband. for me, the decision is to stay married because its working for both of us, not because he allowed me back. at the moment i have a sort of confidence that it looks like it might head in that direction. the future is uncertain, but at the moment im optimistic that things are returning easier that i had anticipated.

im not sure what to think about the question you asked about fmm not having the same sort of feelings. a common theme on this board is when thrown under the bus, youre expected to think he only loves her and would have picked you if he loved you...so thinking hes struggling with it too goes against that whole throught process.

i do know that hes not told her he loves me or still thinks about me etc. hes told her he it was a short fling. not years worth, not feelings. so she doesnt really know. so i do hold him at the same standards as myself. stand up and be an honest man. she shouldnt have to stay because shes been tricked into it.

if he means the things he says to me (and they could all be lies) then hes still lying to her and to his marriage. still having it both ways.

MBEG, I have four short thoughts for you:

1. Either MM is lying to you, or he's lying to his wife. Either way...HE'S LYING. That's all you need to know. He's still the same dishonest SOB who started this affair to begin with.

2. Don't confuse how you feel about MM (and your marriage, and this whole situation) right NOW with how you're going to feel about him (et al) LATER. Six months after the affair ended...my wife undoubtedly felt the way you do now. Five years after the affair ended, I am completely convinced that she harbors NO doubt that she made the right choice...and that there's no longer "a part that belongs to him". She's ALL mine now, and I firmly and completely believe that.

3. What goes on with him...his lying, his relationiship with his wife...what SHE is going through...doesn't matter anyway, because YOU ARE NO LONGER IN THE EQUATION. You removed yourself from his life and his marriage....KEEP IT THAT WAY, REGARDLESS OF HIS LIES.

4. Don't "try" with your husband. DO. "Trying" leaves you an out if it fails...it sets the stage for you to salve your conscience and say "well, I tried but it didn't work". DO...commit yourself FULLY to rebuilding your marriage (to include DROPPING all this obsession with what's going on in MM's life!!!!!!). Or...DO NOT. End it with your H now. BUT STOP FOCUSING ON HIM IF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOCUSED ON YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

I couldn't. I see the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, state publicly that his OW in South America is his "soul mate."

 

Why would his wife want to continue in that marriage?

He was an idiot. He was on television saying, "She's (lover) my soul mate, but I'm going to try to work things out with Jennie." My mouth dropped open. If he's that stupid he would say that out loud on television and further publicly embarrass his wife, I will be astounded if she ever takes him back. I suppose it could happen though because divorce papers have not been filed or I know it would make the news.

He's on impeachment road now.

MBEG, I have four short thoughts for you:

 

1. Either MM is lying to you, or he's lying to his wife. Either way...HE'S LYING. That's all you need to know. He's still the same dishonest SOB who started this affair to begin with.

 

2. Don't confuse how you feel about MM (and your marriage, and this whole situation) right NOW with how you're going to feel about him (et al) LATER. Six months after the affair ended...my wife undoubtedly felt the way you do now. Five years after the affair ended, I am completely convinced that she harbors NO doubt that she made the right choice...and that there's no longer "a part that belongs to him". She's ALL mine now, and I firmly and completely believe that.

 

3. What goes on with him...his lying, his relationiship with his wife...what SHE is going through...doesn't matter anyway, because YOU ARE NO LONGER IN THE EQUATION. You removed yourself from his life and his marriage....KEEP IT THAT WAY, REGARDLESS OF HIS LIES.

 

4. Don't "try" with your husband. DO. "Trying" leaves you an out if it fails...it sets the stage for you to salve your conscience and say "well, I tried but it didn't work". DO...commit yourself FULLY to rebuilding your marriage (to include DROPPING all this obsession with what's going on in MM's life!!!!!!). Or...DO NOT. End it with your H now. BUT STOP FOCUSING ON HIM IF YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOCUSED ON YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

Great advice. I'm astounded by people who actually think "poof" it's gone immediately once the affair ends -- the feelings I mean. I'm sure it takes quite a while to work through, but maintaining NC would be key to moving forward productively in a marriage.

Perhaps a good start would be not to discuss MM period on this forum? Or set a date where you refuse to discuss it anymore? I'm sure for a while it's therapeutic as a person works on letting go, but then it eventually does need to be left behind, correct? I'm just speculating.....

I'm glad things worked out for you and your wife.

I couldn't. I see the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, state publicly that his OW in South America is his "soul mate."

 

Why would his wife want to continue in that marriage?

But apparently, she does. I just saw an article maybe 2 weeks ago about how although she moved out of the governor's mansion, they are trying to reconcile the marriage. It's funny though, I had the same thought. It was a very public smack in the face to her (insult to the injury of the affair)and I am nearly incredulous that she wants to try to save the marriage after that.

Originally Posted by CarrieT

I couldn't. I see the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, state publicly that his OW in South America is his "soul mate."

Why would his wife want to continue in that marriage?

But apparently, she does. I just saw an article maybe 2 weeks ago about how although she moved out of the governor's mansion, they are trying to reconcile the marriage. It's funny though, I had the same thought. It was a very public smack in the face to her (insult to the injury of the affair)and I am nearly incredulous that she wants to try to save the marriage after that.

I think they have been living in separate homes since this happened, but she did come back to SC for the Christmas Tree lighting at the State House. It is incredulous that she would want him back, and she may not really want him back "fully."

question. so say your spouse has an affair. theres a d-day and they tell you that they want to stay, make it right, love you, that they are truly sorry. and they mean it. you work through it and make the marriage work. youre happy, although things will never be the same.

 

so what if your former ws has found his/her way back to loving you, but still loves the other person. say they are living their life knowing that although they love you, its not what they felt for the other person and it never will be. that they struggle every day with the memories of that other person and the fact that even though your marriage is happy, that the happiness is not what it could be with someone else.

 

would you want to know? and would you want to stay with them knowing that they carry these feelings?

 

thanks for the input.

This is exactly what my xMM tells me he would feel if he decided to stay with his W so like you MBEG I ask myself why?? Why would anyone stay in a R where they can not give their all?

MBEG, I do understand where you are coming from. I am in a very similar situation where the MM that I was involved with also did not tell his W the full story when confronted. She received an extremely watered down version that put all the pursuing on me (not what actually happened) and was told the only thing that went on was that we were emailing one another. His only admission was that he was "interested" and didn't stop my advances through email when I let him know that I wanted more. That we only emailed infrequently also. The truth is that it was quite the opposite. We were extremely emotionally involved to the point of spending every moment we had chatting and using the video cam. We are on opposite coasts, but we did have a PA when I was in the area for a business trip. We both tried several times to stop everything. The guilt was eating us both up. I knew that he loved me, but he felt he couldn't abandon his wife and children. (I was already splitting from my husband) He indicated to me that he loved his wife in more of a friendly manner and he was not attracted to her one bit anymore.. no passion ...no chemistry.. said looking back that he believes that they never had it. But, he couldn't leave her because there were good things about her... being a good mother and they worked very well as a parenting team... didn't bicker a lot or argue a lot about little things... he didn't want to have his kids on a 50/50 split with her.....didn't want to be viewed as a quitter.... that he could not devastate her to make himself happier.

I have had so many things to think about in this. It sounds so similar to you. I am just now starting 2 months later to realize that either way he is lying. He is either lying to me or he is lying to her... or just lying in general by ommitting facts. I cannot make myself crazy wondering what is happening with either one of them. If what he tells me is true, and he swears that he was not lying about his feelings. Then, he is really doing her an injustice. He is making the decision for her that she should stay in a marriage with him feeling this way because he doesn't want to change his life, leave his home, or spit time with his children. While it is not fair to her, I don't think anyone could ever convince her that this is true unless it actually comes from his mouth.

So, I know how you feel about the W not knowing all of the facts. It is a crazy situation. But, make every effort to put it out of your mind. I am trying very hard to do that too And, it is tough. I also want to add that I am very aware of my wrongdoings in this also. I should have never gotten involved with him under these circumstances. We we first started talking again (we were friends in college), he led me to believe that he was leaving his wife. He talked to her about it and she crumbled. At that point, he started thinking about how all of this would affect everyone, especially his children. But, by then, we were very involved.... he told me he loved me. I am sure that he does. But, it is one thing to love, and another thing to bring down everything around you for that love. We were being selfish.

(Hope I didn't threadjack you...it just seemed so similar).