lovely205 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If I knew a guy is having and affair, should I tell his wife? I already talked to him on his action and he promised to change and break up with the girl. This is not his first affair. Before I confronted him, he has been seeing few other girls but breaks up for various reasons. Recently, his work requires him to transfer to other town and he just went there alone, leaving the wife and kids here. I found out that he has been seeing other girl behind his wife's back at the new town. I feel sorry for his wife. Should I at least alert her so that she will move in with him at the new town - at least he has less chances to cheat. I knew he is the type that like to flirt with girls and never give up seducing them. What kind of guy is this?
Lyssa Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 The kind that flirts behind his W's back. What would you want? If you were his W, would you want to know?
SoxPrincess Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Are you friends with W? Are you friends with the husband? If you are friends with either of them; think of how your relationship could change with them if you let the W know. If you aren't close friends with the W, she might not even believe you and that could create a whole new set of issues..ya know? I'm all for telling a BS about their wandering spouse as long as it's not for revenge or out of spite. I firmly believe a BS has the right to know, but it's really up to you whether or not you should tell the W. He certainly sounds like a serial cheater and as long as you aren't the OW, I would absolutely entertain telling his W; sounds like she deserves better IMO. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 What is your relationship with the H? You and he must be fairly close for you to know what he does with his private time, and for you to be comfortable getting into it by confronting him directly about it. That aside, if you must tell her - do it thoroughly and anonymously.
Lizzie60 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I say...mind your own business... You seem to know a lot about their personal stuff...
justice Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I would definately tell her. She deserves to know so she can make an informed decision regarding her marriage and her husband. It isn't right that she is being kept in the dark by him. She needs to know. What kind is he? The serial cheater kind. One who does not value his wife and family and one who is having his cake and eating it too. Not fair at all.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 What kind is he? The serial cheater kind. One who does not value his wife and family and one who is having his cake and eating it too. Not fair at all.Not only is that 100% correct, but it sounds as though this dog is constantly looking to dip his wick wherever he can. He's putting his wife's sexual health at TOTAL risk acting like this. I couldn't care less if HIS d*ck fell off from some wicked STD. Hell, he'd deserve it. But his WIFE doesn't deserve to get some nasty, possibly life-threatening, or lifetime disease just because he's a total scumbag. I say TELL HER. 1
bish Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If I knew a guy is having and affair, should I tell his wife? Yes, she deserves to know what a bastard she is married to so she can decide if she wants to stay married to this bastard.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I need to ask...WHY are you soooo concerned and paying attention to this guy and what he does? Are you friends with his wife? Are you his co-worker? A good friend of his? Or are you someone he used to flirt with, but now he doesn't anymore and now it bugs you he's moved on so you feel the need to spill all to his wife? To make him suffer? Or because you really feel what he is doing is wrong and his wife deserves to know... It all depends on YOUR intention. I mean, who knows what is going on in his life outside of work, at home with his wife and kids. Maybe they have an ill child, maybe she knows already, or is suspicious, but right now isnt' the time to end the marriage... Just be aware IF you tell, some of the fallout will come towards you. To butt into someone's life and try to control it because YOU want to tell his wife, well - Be prepared for some angry words to come your way... If I knew a guy is having and affair, should I tell his wife? Do you have proof or are you assuming?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I guess I'll ask the obvious question: are you now, or were you one of his OW?
CAT100 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I would say tell her. If that was me Id definitely want to know. She deserves to know that she can make an informed decision whether to stay or not. Maybe do what LB suggested & do it annoymously, like tip her off when you know her H is with someone. Is he a friend of yours? What exactly is your relationship with him?
OpenBook Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I say, Stay Out Of It!! He has had other OW in the past, and they are still married. She would have to be either (1) burying her head in the sand, coping with it by ignoring it or (2) a complete idiot, not to see her H's true character. In either case, it is best to leave her alone. It's the H's responsibility, not yours or anyone else's, to come clean with the W.
OWoman Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 It's the H's responsibility, not yours or anyone else's, to come clean with the W. I tend to agree with that. Most W want to hear it from their H, in my experience, not from some mingling interloper who's getting off on schadenfreude bearing the bad news. I've also seen friendships ended over this, where friends tell the W about the A and the W just cuts them dead and continues as before. Telling anonymously, as LB suggests, at least protects the messenger but there's no guarantee she'll believe the news (especially with no identifiable source). My MM's W didn't. If you REALLY want to intervene, why not speak to the H and tell him to tell her - with the implicit threat that if he doesn't, you'll tell. That might help focus his mind, either to tell his W or to break off the A. Or, to be more discreet in future!
Havn_a_life Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I'm wondering are you friends with one of those OWs he's slept with? Are you wanting to tell the W as a favor to one of those OWs?
Meaplus3 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If I knew a guy is having and affair, should I tell his wife? I already talked to him on his action and he promised to change and break up with the girl. This is not his first affair. Before I confronted him, he has been seeing few other girls but breaks up for various reasons. Recently, his work requires him to transfer to other town and he just went there alone, leaving the wife and kids here. I found out that he has been seeing other girl behind his wife's back at the new town. I feel sorry for his wife. Should I at least alert her so that she will move in with him at the new town - at least he has less chances to cheat. I knew he is the type that like to flirt with girls and never give up seducing them. What kind of guy is this? You ask what kind of guy this is ? Well he sound's like the typical "Womanizer"/ "Cake Eater"! Can I ask you a couple of questions? Why do you feel sorry for his wife? Are you and his wife good friend's? What good do you think telling will do? I ask you these question's because I had to ask myself and other's these same question's when I was tempted to tell xmm's W about our ea. I have not told the W and my reason is this. I think she allready know's about his cheating nature, but is the type of woman who will put up with it I think that's VERY sad but VERY true. So what good would it do? What ever you DO it's your choice, but do it for the right reason's. Good luck! you have my support! AP:)
bish Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I tend to agree with that. Most W want to hear it from their H, in my experience, not from some mingling interloper who's getting off on schadenfreude bearing the bad news. Well if this "mingling interloper" doesn't tell her then nobody will and she will just be with this jerk and he will keep cheating on her. People who are living with a cheater and don't know it need someone to stand up for them for gods sake.
lost4ever Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I think this is a different situation than most, this guy has affairs all the time, I am sorry I don't think wives turn a blind eye to this kind of man, there is no way in hell you would sleep with your husband knowing he is out screwing anything that walks, all most nobody would live with that percent of risk in catching something..no way! personally I think this falls under human respect to say hey you can listen or you can ignore but I am telling you right now your husband is a nasty nasty man. (btw, this is what I would do, if I wasn't me, so don't hold it against me that I will not do this, thanks)
Havn_a_life Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I think this is a different situation than most, this guy has affairs all the time, I am sorry I don't think wives turn a blind eye to this kind of man, there is no way in hell you would sleep with your husband knowing he is out screwing anything that walks, all most nobody would live with that percent of risk in catching something..no way! personally I think this falls under human respect to say hey you can listen or you can ignore but I am telling you right now your husband is a nasty nasty man. (btw, this is what I would do, if I wasn't me, so don't hold it against me that I will not do this, thanks) unless you're one of the Sopranos! I could never sleep with my spouse if I knew he was cheating on me. Never! That's what I don't understand about a OW. She does, knowing he's sleeping with his W.
CAT100 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 That's what I don't understand about a OW. She does, knowing he's sleeping with his W. This is not true for all OW! I find it very unfair to make sweeping statements about OW when every single one has a different situation! And it is true that SOME MM are NOT sleeping with their W! How many threads are there on marriage forum about sexless marriages?? How many married couples no longer have sex?? How many married people go to counselling due to lack of sex??? How many people cite lack of sex as reason for divorce/cheating/relationship problems? Quite a few I think. All the stats say so- just google it!! I am not saying that ALL MM are not having sex with their Ws but SOME are not & there are SOME MM telling the truth when they say they are not sleeping with their W!!
NearlyThere Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 This is not true for all OW! I find it very unfair to make sweeping statements about OW when every single one has a different situation! And it is true that SOME MM are NOT sleeping with their W! How many threads are there on marriage forum about sexless marriages?? How many married couples no longer have sex?? How many married people go to counselling due to lack of sex??? How many people cite lack of sex as reason for divorce/cheating/relationship problems? Quite a few I think. All the stats say so- just google it!! I am not saying that ALL MM are not having sex with their Ws but SOME are not & there are SOME MM telling the truth when they say they are not sleeping with their W!! Hey Cat100 You will never win on that one, lol. Several of us have gone thru this a few times to say the least. People who have never been in a sexless relationship can never comprehend that it is possible to have one and what it is like. There are several sites that are dedicated to sexless relationships. also as you have said there are even threads on here that go into the subject. The last 4 years with my exSO were sexless, so when MM says to me, that him and his wife have not had sex for 2 plus years, I have no reason to dismiss it as complete rubbish as some people might have insist on, not that I dont consider it a possibility. I have also stated that there are some physical differences when a man has not had sex for a long time that are noticable, but some people are too delicate on here for details. As for sweeping statements well it goes without saying, you should know by now, we are all the same, we all think the same, in fact maybe we are in a new incarnation of the stepford wives, lol.
jesssica Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 She must know. It's the truth. They have marriage vows... ie. He made a promise to his wife to be faithful. Sadly, most likely, she already suspects this and accepts it. She's either probably currently in denial or cannot confront husband about it.
Havn_a_life Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 This is not true for all OW! I find it very unfair to make sweeping statements about OW when every single one has a different situation! And it is true that SOME MM are NOT sleeping with their W! How many threads are there on marriage forum about sexless marriages?? How many married couples no longer have sex?? How many married people go to counselling due to lack of sex??? How many people cite lack of sex as reason for divorce/cheating/relationship problems? Quite a few I think. All the stats say so- just google it!! I am not saying that ALL MM are not having sex with their Ws but SOME are not & there are SOME MM telling the truth when they say they are not sleeping with their W!! But, the OW knows the likelyhood of it happening while she's sleeping with the MM. I just couldn't do it myself. That's my opinion.
lost4ever Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Originally Posted by lost4ever I think this is a different situation than most, this guy has affairs all the time, I am sorry I don't think wives turn a blind eye to this kind of man, there is no way in hell you would sleep with your husband knowing he is out screwing anything that walks, all most nobody would live with that percent of risk in catching something..no way! personally I think this falls under human respect to say hey you can listen or you can ignore but I am telling you right now your husband is a nasty nasty man. (btw, this is what I would do, if I wasn't me, so don't hold it against me that I will not do this, thanks) unless you're one of the Sopranos! I could never sleep with my spouse if I knew he was cheating on me. Never! That's what I don't understand about a OW. She does, knowing he's sleeping with his W. I don't know how my response brought up this topic Originally Posted by lovely205 If I knew a guy is having and affair, should I tell his wife? I already talked to him on his action and he promised to change and break up with the girl. This is not his first affair. Before I confronted him, he has been seeing few other girls but breaks up for various reasons. Recently, his work requires him to transfer to other town and he just went there alone, leaving the wife and kids here. I found out that he has been seeing other girl behind his wife's back at the new town. I feel sorry for his wife. Should I at least alert her so that she will move in with him at the new town - at least he has less chances to cheat. I knew he is the type that like to flirt with girls and never give up seducing them. What kind of guy is this? All I was trying to say, Is yes; I think in this situation you have to tell, with no questions, He didn't "fall in Love" with a women and have a long term affair, he has multiple affairs. under these circumstances I don't believe any wife would turn a blind eye, I would bet she has no clue. he is putting his wifes life in jepordy
Havn_a_life Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 All I was trying to say, Is yes; I think in this situation you have to tell, with no questions, He didn't "fall in Love" with a women and have a long term affair, he has multiple affairs. under these circumstances I don't believe any wife would turn a blind eye, I would bet she has no clue. he is putting his wifes life in jepordy Yes, he is.
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