In love but not with my wife

Please don't take this the wrong way, but how is his decision of whether to separate from his wife any of your business, or even a point of discussion for you?

 

Shouldn't that be up to him and his WIFE, who it seems, is completely in the dark regarding decisions being made about her future?

 

That's messed up.

It's not my decision what he does with his marriage.

As per my response above.

His choice to tell or not tell her he's in love with someone else. His choice to decide to separate or divorce. His choice all along. I'm not part of that marriage.

If there was no OW, it would still be his choice if he stayed or went. If I never see him again, and in five years he decides it's all over between them, it's still down to him. Unless of course she can persuade him that it's worth working on. And then it's up to him, still, whether he does that or not.

I can see what you might be getting at (maybe, I think). It looks like the couple here is the OW and MM, and we're talking about our future, and she's out of the loop. I can see how that looks. And I understand what you're saying. I think.

I can see what you might be getting at (maybe, I think). It looks like the couple here is the OW and MM, and we're talking about our future, and she's out of the loop. I can see how that looks. And I understand what you're saying. I think.

I think you understand too. It just blows my mind that this man is discussing whether he should separate from HIS WIFE with you! He should be having that discussion with her, he should at least have the decency to let her know that he's considering ending the marriage and upending her life.

Hi,

I am not sure if I will be able to offer any insight at all since each situation is different.

First of all, MM thinks he knows how he feels about his wife, and he thinks he knows how his wife feels about him. Yet, until he packs up his bags to leave, he will really never know what she thinks and how she feels. Maybe she will beg for him to stay, maybe she will feel a sense of relief when he goes. If MM is not concerned about his feelings for his wife, or her feelings for him, their marriage is just a piece of paper, IMHO. Staying with his wife is only impeding her chances of finding someone who truly adores her and with whom she can have a fulfilling, happy life.

I stayed with my husband in a marriage void of affection, love, and sex for over 2 years. I stayed for so long because I was afraid of the unknown, because we had a house together, joint finances, and 2 children. I stayed because it was what I knew, because daily life got in the way, and because I felt a terrible guilt when I thought about leaving.

Why was I eventually able to leave (2 days ago):

1. Because my husband was verbally/emotionally and physically abusive. I gave my him many chances to work on our marriage. He chose not to. I waited for him to notice how unhappy I was; I told him how unhappy I was; he didn't care. I asked him to go to therapy. I begged him to go to therapy. I bought him books he didn't read. My conclusion was that he didn't love me enough to work on our marriage.

2. Because I realized staying for the children is a ridiculous excuse:

What kind of marriage was I modeling for them? The answer is: I was modeling a marriage devoid of love and affection, mutual respect, and kindness. Why in the world did I think my children needed to see that? Wouldn't it be better for them to see two emotionally stable, happy parents who love them and have the ability to meet their needs?

3. I realized that finances are just that: finances. They can seem overwhelming to deal with, and putting them off for another day and another day and yet another day didn't solve any of my problems.

4. OM was "waiting" for me. After reading some OM stories on LS, I reassessed my situation. I realized that putting OM through emotional hell while I lived my every day routine was not fair to him. I also realized that I would never be able to offer him or myself a "normal" life if I stayed in my marriage. I also felt ill about what I was doing or what I was about to do (the affair was not physical).

Like many people on this forum, I would urge everyone to work on their marriage first instead of fleeing. And, as we both know, affairs only complicate things and perhaps even make bad marriages bearable and longer in duration. But if your marriage is as bad as you describe, why are you staying? I just don't get it. Well, I DO get it because I've been there, but, as an outsider to your marriage, it makes no sense.

If you are truly unhappy in your marriage and your wife is unhappy too, staying for the kids is a stupid excuse. Tell your wife everything and get out. Your wife may surprise you with some stories of her own. I thought my husband would beg for me back, call me 50 times a day, and cry himself to sleep for the next 5 years. Thinking about leaving created such an overwhelming feeling of guilt in me. But, you know, when I left, I think my husband was relieved. I'm sure he must be sad on some level, but how could he possibly have wanted to continue such an existence with me? The tension in our house was thick, to say the least. It was awful living there, and I'm sure your wife doesn't think it's any fun to live with you.

Your wife and your OW deserve better than what you're giving them. And you know that.

Life with Frannie may not be all you dreamt about either once reality sets in, but geez, wouldn't you rather be alone than in such a loveless marriage?

Well she'll soon be in a loveless marriage where I have no part in the cheating. So as I was saying... it's back to her. Or to him if he decides to cheat again of course. I can't police someone else's marriage.

 

If I tell her, what does she gain..? Are you really suggesting an OW tells the W what is going on..? Not heard that very often, though I've heard it a few times. For what reason..?

No, I think he needs to tell her. He needs to tell her what has become of their marriage - that he loves someone else. She doesn't know who her H has become - a man in love with someone else! Without that knowledge, she's missing key pieces of information that would make a difference in the choices she makes about whether she wants to stay or not.

Why won't he tell her?

I think you understand too. It just blows my mind that this man is discussing whether he should separate from HIS WIFE with you! He should be having that discussion with her, he should at least have the decency to let her know that he's considering ending the marriage and upending her life.

Actually, he's discussing it with all of you, too.

Maybe she's thought of ending things with him also, and discussed that with many people. Who knows.

So no one has the right to come to a forum and ask whether they should end a relationship now..? Then a few forums here should be closed down.

Or is it just bad because he's also discussing it with me? I can see that that's offensive. Yes, I can. But that's the way it is. We are discussing what we will do.

No, I think he needs to tell her. He needs to tell her what has become of their marriage - that he loves someone else. She doesn't know who her H has become - a man in love with someone else! Without that knowledge, she's missing key pieces of information that would make a difference in the choices she makes about whether she wants to stay or not.

 

Why won't he tell her?

If we decide to end our relationship, then it's up to him what he tells her. Ask him. It won't be any of my business.

If we decide to continue our relationship, then I'm afraid that like 99% (who knows how many) of people who divorce and get together with their affair partner, no one will be telling anyone anything. That's just how it goes. For obvious reasons. I will go into them if you haven't read what they are from other places.

If you have read the thread you will know. He does not want to work on his marriage, he does not want a loving relationship with his wife. He is through with that. He is staying (if he is) because of the children. To rephrase that, he is staying (if he is) because he wants to see his children, in his own home, as often as possible. You can ask him why that is and debate it, it's not my choice and for the record I think that's a wrong decision. But it's not mine.

So back to the point... why, to turn it on it's head, would a man who has decided (if he does) to stay in a loveless marriage for the benefits of seeing his own children, and giving up on love... why would he tell his wife how he feels about her..? As someone WAY back in the thread said... that's a RISK. He's not willing to risk losing his children FOR LOVE, for his own benefit. Why would he be willing to risk losing his children for the benefit of someone he no longer loves? Where's the logic there?

That's why he's not telling her.

No it's offensive that he isn't discussing it with the one person who it will impact the most, and that would be HIS WIFE!

It creeps me out that this guy is engineering her future, planning his own (that she knows NOTHING about), and isn't even telling her about it.

What is he waiting for?

. He's not willing to risk losing his children FOR LOVE, for his own benefit. Why would he be willing to risk losing his children for the benefit of someone he no longer loves? Where's the logic there?

.

Will someone PLEASE tell this MM that he isn't going to lose his children if he gets a divorce? There must be some divorced people here with children... it's like talking to a brick wall.

Will someone PLEASE tell this MM that he isn't going to lose his children if he gets a divorce? There must be some divorced people here with children... it's like talking to a brick wall.

There have been posts on this thread about that very topic. He's read them. And it hasn't made it any easier to face the fear. It's the fear that counts, rather than the facts. And some people never overcome the fear.

There have been posts on this thread about that very topic. He's read them. And it hasn't made it any easier to face the fear. It's the fear that counts, rather than the facts. And some people never overcome the fear.

Wow. So intellectually, he KNOWS that he will likely see his kids more rather than less if he divorces, yet he's still saying that's the reason he won't divorce?

I don't buy it, and you shouldn't either.

I will believe he has a fear of not having everything a marriage entails, but he's not staying because he fears losing his kids. There's more to it than that.

Is he in counseling? He should be.

No it's offensive that he isn't discussing it with the one person who it will impact the most, and that would be HIS WIFE!

 

It creeps me out that this guy is engineering her future, planning his own (that she knows NOTHING about), and isn't even telling her about it.

 

What is he waiting for?

And I do agree, to a large extent. On the other hand, would it be any different if it were a married person without an OP deciding unilaterally to end a relationship that were dead..? I don't know.

Wow. So intellectually, he KNOWS that he will likely see his kids more rather than less if he divorces, yet he's still saying that's the reason he won't divorce?

 

I don't buy it, and you shouldn't either.

 

I will believe he has a fear of not having everything a marriage entails, but he's not staying because he fears losing his kids. There's more to it than that.

 

Is he in counseling? He should be.

No, you misunderstand, for some reason.

He will very definitely see his children much LESS if he divorces.

And I do agree, to a large extent. On the other hand, would it be any different if it were a married person without an OP deciding unilaterally to end a relationship that were dead..? I don't know.

I think it would be different because I think you have everything to do with his conundrum. I have a feeling that if you were never in the picture that he would not be considering a divorce.

No, you misunderstand, for some reason.

 

He will very definitely see his children much LESS if he divorces.

WHY? Has an attorney confirmed this? Unless they have, you are wrong. He can seek joint custody.

Are you not telling us of the reason why a judge wouldn't grant him joint custody?

WHY? Has an attorney confirmed this? Unless they have, you are wrong. He can seek joint custody.

 

Are you not telling us of the reason why a judge wouldn't grant him joint custody?

No, I'm not telling you of any reason for that, and actually in the UK I don't think there is such a thing as 'custody' any longer.

But please don't go jumping to conclusions on any decision. None has been made. IF he decides to stay married, then that's up to him, and will be for his own reasons, good bad or indifferent. Not sure where your comments are intended to help here, but I expect he'll read them at some point.

Actually, he's discussing it with all of you, too.

He's not really discussing much, though, is he? He hasn't posted much, nor has he replied to specific questions.

If you have read the thread you will know. He does not want to work on his marriage, he does not want a loving relationship with his wife. He is through with that. He is staying (if he is) because of the children. To rephrase that, he is staying (if he is) because he wants to see his children, in his own home, as often as possible.

 

So back to the point... why, to turn it on it's head, would a man who has decided (if he does) to stay in a loveless marriage for the benefits of seeing his own children, and giving up on love... why would he tell his wife how he feels about her..? As someone WAY back in the thread said... that's a RISK. He's not willing to risk losing his children FOR LOVE, for his own benefit. Why would he be willing to risk losing his children for the benefit of someone he no longer loves? Where's the logic there?

 

That's why he's not telling her.

So, you're saying if he chooses to stay in his marriage, he will end his relationship with you, and he will not tell his wife of his affair or that he is in love with someone else...primarily because he won't try to work on making his marriage better, and if he tells his wife such things, he is worried SHE would file for divorce and he won't see his children as much as he sees them now, or she'd make his life miserable if she doesn't divorce him.

Ok, if he actually ends the affair, then fine, don't tell her. I still think she has a right to know what her own husband has been doing behind her back for years, but clearly he's not going to do anything to risk the "peace" of the household.

If he hasn't talked to a lawyer about what would happen with the children in the event of a divorce, all his speculation and fears are just that. Speculation and fear.

Is the problem with getting a divorce and the kids due to the fact that you and he live in different cities? Is that why he thinks he wouldn't be able to see his kids in his own home with a joint custody arrangement?

I could see how that would be a problem...if he makes a home with you and is with you full time in your city, he can't expect his kids to trek back and forth between cities to be with their mother half-time and with him half-time. And he'd have to have another home in his wife's city where he could be with his kids when he has them, since he won't be living with his wife.

Perhaps you could move? Is that a possibility, so he could be in the same city with his kids and see them as much as he would normally?

He's not really discussing much, though, is he? He hasn't posted much, nor has he replied to specific questions.

 

 

 

So, you're saying if he chooses to stay in his marriage, he will end his relationship with you, and he will not tell his wife of his affair or that he is in love with someone else...primarily because he won't try to work on making his marriage better, and if he tells his wife such things, he is worried SHE would file for divorce and he won't see his children as much as he sees them now, or she'd make his life miserable if she doesn't divorce him.

 

Ok, if he actually ends the affair, then fine, don't tell her. I still think she has a right to know what her own husband has been doing behind her back for years, but clearly he's not going to do anything to risk the "peace" of the household.

 

 

If he hasn't talked to a lawyer about what would happen with the children in the event of a divorce, all his speculation and fears are just that. Speculation and fear.

 

Is the problem with getting a divorce and the kids due to the fact that you and he live in different cities? Is that why he thinks he wouldn't be able to see his kids in his own home with a joint custody arrangement?

 

I could see how that would be a problem...if he makes a home with you and is with you full time in your city, he can't expect his kids to trek back and forth between cities to be with their mother half-time and with him half-time. And he'd have to have another home in his wife's city where he could be with his kids when he has them, since he won't be living with his wife.

 

Perhaps you could move? Is that a possibility, so he could be in the same city with his kids and see them as much as he would normally?

My Sister had an A years ago, and ended up leaving her toddler son w/ my Bro in Law to make a life with her OM. They never married, but have been blissfully happy ever since. She sees her now teenage son during summers and some holidays. Although I don't agree with it, their arrangment seems to work well MOST of the time for all involved. My Ex Bro in Law still has much bitterness about how the M ended, but my Sister doesn't seem to pay much attention to him anymore. My point is that sometimes long range child arrangements do work...Don't know about in the UK..that is in the states...

To the OP, break it off with the OW. You are not being fair to her, your wife, or yourself. Try working on your marriage. If it truly is unable to be saved, leave because of that, and not because you want to be with someone else. Spend some time alone, and figure out what it is you want in life, and why your marriage failed. (it takes two to make or break a marriage) Maybe work on things about yourself that contributed to the failing marriage. Then, and only then, will you be able to have a new relationship that is healthy. My two cents, take it or leave it.

To the OP, break it off with the OW. You are not being fair to her, your wife, or yourself. Try working on your marriage. If it truly is unable to be saved, leave because of that, and not because you want to be with someone else. Spend some time alone, and figure out what it is you want in life, and why your marriage failed. (it takes two to make or break a marriage) Maybe work on things about yourself that contributed to the failing marriage. Then, and only then, will you be able to have a new relationship that is healthy. My two cents, take it or leave it.

Such a righteous post, I've ran many a mile on the beaches of Okinawa, Japan because of this! This is a most righteous post!

Originally Posted by Audero

To the OP, break it off with the OW. You are not being fair to her, your wife, or yourself. Try working on your marriage. If it truly is unable to be saved, leave because of that, and not because you want to be with someone else.

Hi Frannie,

In one of your earlier posts you said you were going to meet with your MM next week to make a decision on whether to end the A. Is that right?

That will put a certain amount of pressure on him.

I also note that you said you went NC for most of last year but I thought it was just for the summer, so how many months was it?

What I am getting at is, that you may have to give him a bit longer than next week to make a decision he will stick to rather than just a knee jerk reaction.

When you went NC with him, did he miss you, was he tempted to call, what was going on in his mind?

I really wish he would post something as people have given lots of advice here and he hasn't responded for a while.

However he may be feeling the pressure over this weekend, of meeting with you next week for DDay and he may stay in the M because he feels pressured.

So are you prepared to give him time to "decide" or does it have to be next week or never?

Hi all, I know I'm opening mself up for a whole lot of abuse here but I could do with some advice. Because to be honest I'm out of Ideas.

 

I'm deeply in love with a woman who isn't my wife. I have two kids who I love very much. I'm in love with someone who isn't their mother.

 

The woman I'm in love with is my ideal partner. I love her like I've never loved anyone in my life (and it's not a short life). I so want to be with her and not anyone else. But my kids are there and I do love them. what should I do?

 

Some facts - Married for 14 years. Kids, 12 and 10.

How do you know this other woman. What is it she does for you that makes you feel like she has melted your heart?

I left my W many years ago. I'd been in an unhappy marriage for a long time, met someone that I feel deeply in love with, left and remarried. Things were tough for my XW, but she eventually remarried. My kids were well-taken care of, I saw them often and they have grown up to be healthy, happy and productive adults. They love my current wife and life is great.

Had I stayed all those years back and done the "right" thing? I think it would have been a waste of my life. There is not one right answer for everyone when it comes to these situations, tough though they may be.

I left my W many years ago. I'd been in an unhappy marriage for a long time, met someone that I feel deeply in love with, left and remarried. Things were tough for my XW, but she eventually remarried. My kids were well-taken care of, I saw them often and they have grown up to be healthy, happy and productive adults. They love my current wife and life is great.

 

Had I stayed all those years back and done the "right" thing? I think it would have been a waste of my life. There is not one right answer for everyone when it comes to these situations, tough though they may be.

HappyAtLast, thanks for injecting a note of human realism into these discussions. What many fail to grasp--especially when it comes to hot button issues like marriage, infidelity and chronic unhappiness--that the "right thing" is sometimes the "wrong thing" and, believe it or not, the "wrong thing"--especially over time--can result in the "right thing."

Life throws curves.

My advice, out of sight, out of mind. In other words, remove the other woman from your life, no matter the cost, and stay with your wife--the one that you swore that you'd be with in sickness and health--and greatest of all your kids.

I've been through a divorce, and I have to say it is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, and even though she left me, my ex went through a hard time too. The worst of all, my three kids that have to have "daddy's house" and "mommies house" in their vocabulary, have had the hardest time of all.

The love that you feel for this other woman is infatuation, of course, she looks and sounds like a better life partner, you haven't known her as long as your wife, and therefore she is new and of course looks more appealing.