Does this ever stop?

[SSE]

I was almost 3 months NC until xMM called me two days ago. His number is blocked but he used a private number. My mum also uses a private number, so I answered. He was very glad I did, wanted to know how I was doing and if I had met someone else. Like I said in a previous post, I am not ready to date yet, so no, I am/was in the process of healing. I requested during the previous holidays that he would stop contacting me because I wanted to move forward with my life. He understood and promised he would respect my request. Until now. He said nothing about wanting to meet, only that it was sooooo nice to hear from me again. And that it’s up to me if there will be any further contact. I have no intention of contacting him, but I keep wondering what he is up to this time. Was it really just a phone call to see how I’m doing? To minimize his guilt (although I didn’t get a sorry) or wanting to know I’m not mad anymore? Or is he fishing? I don’t get why he cannot honor my request to leave me alone. Does he need some extra sex again?

 

After the phone call I got a panic attack. I realized I still like talking to him, that I still love him, but also that this situation is not good for me! I imagined the worst case scenario where in 5 years (I’m almost 34 then) everyone around me has a family and children where as I am still all alone wanting him… Hating myself for putting up with this situation for so long. I read LS and unfortunately there are some heartbreaking stories on here. I am so sick and tired of feeling anxious all the time. I want stability in my life, not this ****. But I’m confused I still like hearing from him after everything he has said to me. I want those feelings gone…

[BaileyB]

After the phone call I got a panic attack. I realized I still like talking to him, that I still love him

 

This is exactly why he called - to unsettle you, to bring him back into your mind, and to see if you will open the door again... Don’t assign any other noble intentions to his call. His intentions were purely selfish. If they weren’t, he would have respected your wishes and he would not have contacted you.

 

Good for you for staying strong. Next time, hang up when you realize it’s him. Keep looking forward, don’t look back.

[mark clemson]

Pretty clear this is very triggering for you, which is completely understandable. Suggest that as soon as you recognize his voice you remind him you wanted no contact and ask him to end the conversation. His number is blocked for a reason. You can be gracious about it if you must. But don't engage him in the conversation.

 

This will give you back a measure of control over the situation. Depending on where he is, he might get mad, but - so what? He's not a person you want to speak to/deal with anymore. Not to be callous, but his feelings are his problem, not yours.

[stillafool]

If you really want it to stop you can change your phone number for free.

[Mrs._December]

But I’m confused I still like hearing from him after everything he has said to me. I want those feelings gone…

I already knew that in the first few sentences of your post, because this selfish user said he was going to RESPECT your wishes of NC and totally disrespected you and contacted you anyway and you folded like a house of cards.

 

You talked to him instead of realizing you were being disrespected and hanging up on him. Further, you threw him some bait when you told him you were still way too brokenhearted to even think about dating. Why on earth would you give that selfish fool that kind of power over you?

 

I imagined the worst case scenario where in 5 years (I’m almost 34 then) everyone around me has a family and children where as I am still all alone wanting him…

And that's exactly where you'll BE if you don't take off the rose-colored glasses and see this USER for what he is. A lying, cheating, manipulative, emotionally abusing USER who's first and only concern is himself.

 

Not you.

 

Not his wife.

 

Not his kids.

 

HIMSELF.

[Aloha123]

I just want to say, good job for maintaining 3 months of NC. I know that was not easy. In fact, I'm about to turn 50 and have not been able to pull that off yet myself with my own mm!

Edited March 22, 2019 by Aloha123

[Turning point]

The important thing to hold onto is what you said about "hating myself" after an experience like this.

 

Three months of no contact was a true act of self care, self respect, and self love. Keep it up - enforce your boundaries.

 

Even if we put aside any evil descriptions of the MM's intent - there still remains the poisonous nature of the connection. You know from the discomfort that even an innocent sip from this cup will make you sick. It will undo your 5 year future, perhaps set in stone a future you never wanted.

 

Choose to feel angry rather than confused or heartbroken. You deserve to have your wishes adhered to.

[preraph]

He asked you if you were seeing anyone, because all men go crazy once you've broken up and you then see someone. That's what he wanted. He's possessive and he has no right anymore. He disrespected you by ignoring the NC request and is a problem that you need out of your life because he's not respectful of your needs and feelings, and you know this. Block that number and stop answering the phone if you don't know who's calling and tell your mom to block him if he calls hers.

[lolita888]

He called to see if he can still use you. That is exactly what he wanted to happen - for you to be affected by his presence. That you still have feelings for him. And see if he can make you fall for him again.

Hence he kept the option open for you: Call when you want to talk and if you still wanted to "meet".

 

 

Stay strong. Don't let him use you again. Just keep on thinking of everything that he did and said. He left you to suffer alone. He dumped you when he got caught. He choose to stay with his wife. He choose to help her ease her pain (even if it's fake) while ignore your suffering. Now he will call and asked if you already belong to someone.

 

 

I wish you had told him a lie and said that you are dating someone else now and to not contact you again but yeah, I know that there is still part of you that still want him. And maybe unconsciously... there is a part of you that's hoping that he will chase you again. That he will do his best to make up for what he did. And a part of you that might give in. The moment you told him that you are still not open for dating or not dating anyone else., you gave him that chance to play with your heart and mind again.

 

 

Block him again or change your number. You made it for 3 months without him. Don't let your time get wasted by his man who will dump you the moment he got caught.

[preraph]

You have to put a stop to this or once you find a new guy, he's going to purposefully sabotage it, drive by your house, text and call you when the guy is there, and no telling what else. He's looking for some way to really blame you and once you get a new guy, that is just what he'll do, try to gaslight you some way. He's also trying to maintain control over you. None of this means he's lovesick. It just means he's sick and immature and controlling.

[FMW]

Still liking to talk to him, still loving him, is normal. Anyone who has been in that situation understands (although it sounds crazy to anyone who hasn't).

 

You're doing fine, go back to NC. If he cared about you he wouldn't be messing with your head and your heart when he has nothing to give you but more pain.

 

Don't let the confusion derail you, again, it's normal. Stick with NC. It's really hard right now, but you WILL get through it IF you shut him completely out of your life. If you let him have any kind of access to you at all you are only prolonging and deepening your misery.

[SSE]

I can’t help it, I’m still crazy for him :’( And I hate it. I thought I was doing better after almost 3 months of NC because I started getting mad at him for everything he has said to me. But this brief contact with him made me realize I’m in no way better than 3 months ago… And it scares me. I don’t want to love him forever. I want to move forward with someone who is good to me. I want stability. I want to be ready for dating someone else. I hope this time comes sooner than later… Did it come for you? Are you happier now?

 

Like you said, I try to remember everything he said and did. There was never a D-Day, but I remember when I told him I loved him, he replied it would be better that I lived my own life. But that I can always contact him “to fill my holes”. And that I’m young enough to find someone else very soon. This was a day before he went on a vacation with this wife. Bye bye SSE, take care with your emotions, I’m going on a family holiday... I got the picture, assumed we were done, never called him because I don’t want a FWB-relationship, but after 3 months he was back claiming I took everything he said too serious?? Or that other time when he told me I will meet Mr. Right… just after we had sex.

 

He always encouraged me to meet someone else… to see how the sex is with someone else (xMM is my first and only). He wouldn’t be jealous, but he would want me to confirm the sex with him is better than with another guy. Would be a huge compliment for his huge ego. He wouldn’t care if I had a boyfriend. In his ideal world, I think, I would have a boyfriend and keep having sex with him. No emotional feelings etc. for xMM, that’s for the boyfriend, only the sex for xMM. He never told me this, but I could distract it from other things he said. He’s very sex-minded (but aren’t most men)?

 

We don’t live nearby each other, so I don’t think he will be driving by. I once told him I had a boyfriend (it was a lie), but this didn’t made him stop contacting me. He wanted to know how the sex was with the boyfriend… Maybe I should have lied about it also this time. But I don’t know if that would have stopped the contact because it didn’t stop in the past. (FYI, I told him it was none of his business and he didn't like it).

 

And still I like him. I reread the above text and I don’t get why! But I do, there was something that made me fall for him in the first place. I even envy his wife because she has him. I suspect he isn’t treating her this way. I don’t want to get hurt again. It’s been enough. I told him many times he hurt me, I explained why I wanted to go NC and still he comes back.. I can’t confide my heart to him anymore. It’s making me too anxious, also for my future. Maybe because he said it’s further up to me if there will be any contact, the contact now will stop? Honestly, it makes me sad I will never hear from him again, but what else can I do??? I know that even LC as “friends” will interrupt my healing. What else can I do in this situation? I know he doesn’t want me in the way I want him. What else can I do than going NC??

[Starswillshine]

Oh, reading your last post breaks my heart. It is indeed normal to feel how you are feeling. The key you need to remember is you were doing NC and you were living. You didn't die. Maybe the feelings havent faded much, but you HAVE lived.

 

I cannot believe he had the audacity to suggest he "fill your holes." Sick. And suggest you have sex with others so he can see how he stacks up. I understand the heart and mind feeling two different things. Truth is it just takes time and they will both get there.

 

Just press reset and get back to where you were before and keep your head down and power on. You got this.

[elaine567]

Remember that some men get turned on by having other men sleep with their gfs/wives.

So the thought of you having a bf may be a little fantasy of his.

 

If you want to move on and have the chance of a proper relationship, then NC is the only option.

[FMW]

Unfortunately it takes a lot longer than expected to stop feeling those feelings. I hate to say it, but three months is not nearly enough time. Getting over it will be a journey, not a quick trip.

 

There are different phases along the way and probably aren't experienced the same or in the same order for everyone. For me, I reached the point of disgust (with both xMM and myself) months ago, meaning I can't imagine any way I could ever allow him to touch me again. But I still sometimes miss certain things he brought into my life, and yes, I still love him. But again, I can't imagine ever allowing him any access to me again. I know it doesn't make sense, how love can still exist along with the disgust, but there it is.

 

I was involved with him for just over three years, it ended about 9 months ago. I'm still working on getting over it, but I'm in a much, much better place now.

 

Never forget the disrespectful and hurtful things he did to you and let that help you stay NC. Don't allow him any more access to you whatsoever, he'll exploit that and only cause you more harm.

 

There are good guys out there that will treat you well, but you'll never get to them as long as you let him continue messing with your head.

[Turning point]

...some men get turned on by having other men sleep with their gfs/wives.

 

It doesn't even require that. The mere fact that ANYONE is in a relationship adds the dimension of romanticism and eroticism to our perception of them. It subconsciously identifies them to us as a sexual being.

 

It's the "Jesse's Girl" complex.

 

I've always noticed in life that when I was without a GF I could hardly get a date to save my life, but as soon as I was attached to someone interested women seem to come out of the woodwork.

 

OP,

I challenge you to consider that you are NOT still crazy for this guy; rather you are merely being immersed in a past state triggered by the contact. It's a reality of grieving that never really leaves us. It's the physiological equivalent of time travel.

 

You are over the man, but need a lot longer to essentially get over yourself and how your body reacts to recall.

 

For example, more than a year after my father died I had an extremely vivid dream in which he was alive, and we interacted. It was extremely real including a sense of smell and touch, etc. When I awoke to realize it was a dream I was as unnerved by it as you are about contact with the other man and I essentially began a whole new grieving process.

 

Deciphering his intentions is unnecessary. You need only know that disrespecting your wishes for no contact is a terrible attack upon your personal right to quiet enjoyment, and ability to move on from a bad situation.

Edited March 23, 2019 by Turning point

[lolita888]

I cannot believe he said those words to you. He really has no respect for you OP. That is how he view you, a sex object - something that he cannot do to his wife.

 

Yes some men have that fetish of getting turned on knowing and seeing their wives/gf doing it with someone else (as long she is not doing it in secret). Some men enjoy being a cuckold and so on. But even in those relationships it has to be mutual and there is lots of talk to make sure that the other person truly like it and doesn't feel disrespect.

 

 

But still... that OM makes me annoyed saying those words to you. It's as if for him; there is nothing important for you except sex.

 

 

It's like what they said, you survived 3 months without him. You have things you wanted for yourself. You do not want to get stuck as a mistress. You wanted a family of your own. Keep thinking of these dreams of yours. Your MM could ruin your chances of having your own family if you keep getting involved him.

[preraph]

Sounds like from the start he hasn't cared anything about you but just likes that you always want him and comes around to make himself feel desireable, even though he doesn't even want you except for ego gratification. He is always fishing, hoping you'll tell him, Oh, you're the best guy in bed I was ever with. It's pathetic on both your parts. Get out of this sick one-sided thing and move on.

[Turning point]

You wanted a family of your own. Keep thinking of these dreams of yours. Your MM could ruin your chances of having your own family if you keep getting involved him.

 

Online dating sites are full of women in their late 40's whose status is "never married."

 

For sure, career and travel took the front seat in the lives of many. For others - it was a MM who eventually dropped them off with an empty suitcase at a lonely bus stop years down the road.

[mark clemson]

I can’t help it, I’m still crazy for him :’( And I hate it.

 

There was never a D-Day, but I remember when I told him I loved him, he replied it would be better that I lived my own life. But that I can always contact him “to fill my holes”... but after 3 months he was back claiming I took everything he said too serious?? Or that other time when he told me I will meet Mr. Right… just after we had sex.

 

He always encouraged me to meet someone else… He wouldn’t be jealous, but he would want me to confirm the sex with him is better than with another guy. Would be a huge compliment for his huge ego.... In his ideal world, I think, I would have a boyfriend and keep having sex with him. No emotional feelings etc. only the sex for xMM. He never told me this, but I could distract it from other things he said. He’s very sex-minded (but aren’t most men)?

 

And still I like him. I reread the above text and I don’t get why! But I do, there was something that made me fall for him in the first place... I don’t want to get hurt again. It’s been enough. I told him many times he hurt me, I explained why I wanted to go NC and still he comes back..

 

 

Yeah, this is bad. Unfortunately you may have limerence for a very wrong person. I suspect he senses how attached you are and is getting something of a power trip over walking all over your feelings along with sex. In a way he's being honest about what he wants, but I think he knows you have a very hard time standing up to him right now. So the honestly only helps him assuage guilt, not you in setting boundaries or getting what you want. Agree that this all has a very userish vibe.

 

Unfortunately, even though your rational brain realizes how bad this is, you can't just shut off feelings, particularly full blown limerence. You'll have to wait it out (and you're taking the right approach I believe with full NC and getting on with your life). It will take a lot longer that you'd like, but it DOES eventually fade.

 

If you have or can get hard evidence of the A, it sounds like you still have the option to tell his BW. This gives you the nuclear option (from his perspective). I wouldn't flaunt this as he could try to head it off: "there's this woman who has a thing for me, she's crazy, etc..." but if you still have the option, the threat of it could give you some of your power back. I'd use it if/when you really need it, unless you're going to go the "letting the BW know is what's best" route based on your own views.

[preraph]

He found his victim.

[mark clemson]

Yes, in this case I tend to agree unfortunately...

[whichwayisup]

He was fishing.

 

Your life and what you do is NONE of his business so you owe you nothing. The less detail he knows about you the better.

 

Also, him calling made you think of him and that is probably what he wanted. For you think and miss him, to stir up old feelings.

 

If possible change your phone number that way he can't call you anymore. He will keep contacting you because he doesn't care what affect his calls have on you. He won't respect NC nor your request to be left alone.

[SSE]

I don’t consider myself a “victim”. I never told him he’s the best I ever had. When he asked, I told him I cannot know because he’s the only one I ever had, so I cannot compare. He didn’t like that answer, but it made him stop asking it. He also has a lot of money, of which he talks a lot, but I never told him he’s the best. I even told him once that his **** smells too… I never really overpraised him, but I think he would like that. Maybe the fact that I keep letting him coming back is kind of an ego thing for him? He asked me after our conversation via text if I still find him “a good man”…. So I think he knows it was not OK to contact me, but he goes ahead anyway. And the fact that I didn’t yell to him will make him probably think he is a good man… But I wasn’t ready to tell him to **** off. It was too soon and I suffer from anxiety :’(

 

I do my best to move on. As mentioned in above text, I suffer from anxiety. I gained a lot of weight when going to uni which made my dad tell me I should really lose weight if I ever want a man. I heard it all the time which led to my anxiety and the fact I don’t feel good enough. This anxiety started when I was 18 and got worse over the time. I’m 28 now and this situation with xMM raises my already high anxiety levels. I really want a good relationship, I have a lot of love to give, but my fear of being alone forever keeps me stuck.

 

I genuinely love(d) xMM and I find it hard to give him up. It was one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever done telling him goodbye. The fact that he keeps coming back messes with my head. Rationally it seems he follows a pattern: SSE is upset/feeling emotional, I let her be for a while, then come back with sweet words, then suggesting to meet so I can have sex with her again. When she becomes too emotional, I push her away again. And repeat the cycle. He even once told me he liked it when my feelings for him lessen… Doesn’t sound like a man in love… If he keeps following this pattern, I should expect some texts in the future.

 

But emotionally the coming back part messes with me. If I let my emotions rule, I think he must love me because he keeps coming back. Although he never says anything about us being together. He even once asked me if I would still meet him if I would have a new partner… Why keep coming back to a girl who has told you multiple times you’ve hurt her and that she doesn’t want to be a part of this situation anymore? Why don’t you just let it be? I know he knows I’m (still) weak for him… But you can also get sex from your wife! Or maybe an escort?

 

I don’t sleep well. I have these scenarios playing in my head. Like you said, a normal person needs some time to heal from this situation. I will be 30 next year… Probably single. My younger brother will have a relationship of 2 years by then… and I will have nothing. Friends are creating families. I am not. I am hung up on somebody who is so wrong for me. I feel so stuck!!! I mean, even if I tell xMM to **** off, there is still a large chance I will be single when I’ll be 30. I feel such a loser. I can’t even tell xMM to **** off. I don't know if somebody else will come along... :'(

[BaileyB]

The fact that he keeps coming back messes with my head. If I let my emotions rule, I think he must love me because he keeps coming back. Although he never says anything about us being together.

 

Why don’t you just let it be? I know he knows I’m (still) weak for him…

 

SSE, you have really thought this through and you have all the answers. I can appreciate most everything you have said except this part - the reason why he keeps coming back is not because he loves you. If he loved you, he would end his marriage and be with you. I think you know this too, because you say this kind of thinking is emotional in nature, not rational. And then, you state exactly the reason why he keeps coming back... because he knows that you are weak for him and the door is still open... he’s exploiting your weakness, that is the sad truth.

 

With respect, you have done the hard work. You have challenged your thinking and let go of “the fantasy.” You have gone no contact, for the most part. I wish your post didn’t focus on this man... rather, I wish it focused more on you and how you plan to create the life you want. Perhaps, that is the gift you can give yourself for your 30th birthday. Find a good counsellor, and work on creating the life that you want... it won’t be easy, because you are really stuck in these self-defeating and self-limiting thought patterns... but, you have done well to let go of this man. I think you can do it! Time to move forward, into another stage of life. Best wishes.