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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th December 2017, 5:24 PM   #1
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Season's Greetings

Best wishes to everyone for the silly season and the coming year.

It is this time of the year that brings back memories and maybe longings to contact ex APs.

At this time I always struggle with myself. I am so tempted to open his Facebook page.

It is a dangerous thought so I am posting it here instead of doing it. I hope somebody will tell me to slap myself and get over it.

Poppy.
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Old 17th December 2017, 5:40 PM   #2
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Slap yourself and get over it.

(I'm just doing what you said).

Yeah, I think it's hard for all of us, but you did the right thing posting here instead. Any kind of contact will undo everything you've done this past year and a half (??).

You are off the roller coaster. You are free. it's a good thing.
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Old 17th December 2017, 6:15 PM   #3
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Well, this is my strategy: I am in lock down: no Holiday music, no Holiday films, series. Oh, and social media is no go. We will see this through and who knows - we might even have fun and some good laughs with someone who are actually just, well, genuine and nice :-)
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Old 17th December 2017, 6:52 PM   #4
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Don't open the door again, Poppy ... it really doesn't

matter what he is doing. What matters is that you are free and out of a bad situation. Keep strong, take care of you.
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Old 17th December 2017, 7:37 PM   #5
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Sometimes I wish SM had never been invented. It's just too easy to peek. I read that this is one of the things a narcissist counts on after you leave him. He still wants to have that control over you so posting things to make you jealous or get a rise out of you is a good way for him to do it. And he no doubt knows that Christmas is going to be a prime vulnerable time for you. Anyway, I thought this was a pretty good article:

https://narcsite.com/2017/12/05/the-wrong-no-contact/

I especially like how he refers to continued contact as keeping the "emotional infection" alive. (I know that site is for victims of narcissism, but I think narcissism is not uncommon in MM seeking OW).
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Old 18th December 2017, 12:18 AM   #6
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Donít do it, Poppy.
Heís not worth it.
The pain youíll feel will not be worth it.
Who cares what he does?
He is irrelevant. Take care of yourself, make sure you are happy, and best wishes!
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Old 18th December 2017, 3:19 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jah526 View Post
Sometimes I wish SM had never been invented. It's just too easy to peek. I read that this is one of the things a narcissist counts on after you leave him. He still wants to have that control over you so posting things to make you jealous or get a rise out of you is a good way for him to do it. And he no doubt knows that Christmas is going to be a prime vulnerable time for you. Anyway, I thought this was a pretty good article:

https://narcsite.com/2017/12/05/the-wrong-no-contact/

I especially like how he refers to continued contact as keeping the "emotional infection" alive. (I know that site is for victims of narcissism, but I think narcissism is not uncommon in MM seeking OW).
Jah,

I know how he hoovers. He will post something related to me or an experience we had together or a stupid quote about how time is wasting and we are not getting any younger.... true enough. He is a super duper hoover.

I have fallen for it before, but now I have blocked him on facebook, I can't see him and he can't see me. Believe me, there would be hooks posted for me, especially since I have just had a birthday and retired.

I will look at the link. I do believe he is a narcissist as I was in the A with him for 9 year on and off. He always said he felt no guilt.

Thank You,

Poppy
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Old 18th December 2017, 4:09 AM   #8
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There is nothing to look at. Itís only looking back at a faded memory. A glimpse of nothing.

No need to look back now when you are so far ahead.

Happy seasons and greetings to you. The yearsí almost over. Here come new beginnings and better insights.
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Old 18th December 2017, 7:59 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
Jah,

I know how he hoovers. He will post something related to me or an experience we had together or a stupid quote about how time is wasting and we are not getting any younger.... true enough. He is a super duper hoover.

I have fallen for it before, but now I have blocked him on facebook, I can't see him and he can't see me. Believe me, there would be hooks posted for me, especially since I have just had a birthday and retired.

I will look at the link. I do believe he is a narcissist as I was in the A with him for 9 year on and off. He always said he felt no guilt.

Thank You,

Poppy
It's a good thing that you're insightful enough that you can extrapolate to eventual outcome Poppy.

You unblock, see his hook posts, and feel bad. It's great that you can ascertain this and experience some discomfort now to avoid the greater discomfort and pain that would eventuate if you were to succumb.

So slap away and have a wonderful Christmas with those that deserve to share it with you, whilst ignoring those that don't.

Good luck Poppy. Have a wonderful silly season and congrats on your retirement!

Last edited by SolG; 18th December 2017 at 8:02 AM..
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Old 18th December 2017, 8:02 AM   #10
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Poppy, I recently posted that I looked at XMM's wife's social media site, while I was sick and saw a picture of him and her looking all happy on some beach somewhere. I regret it. I truly regret it....
If they have worked thru their marriage troubles and are now happy, good for them....
Have yourself a happy holiday and make the new year a great one.
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:58 AM   #11
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Stay strong!
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Old 18th December 2017, 8:53 PM   #12
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Hi Poppy!

Happy Holidays! Make a resolution for New Year to continue looking forward and not behind. Onward to brighter things!
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:09 PM   #13
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Hi Poppy,

Quote:
He always said he felt no guilt.
My AP always used to say the exact that she does not feel guilt or shame by having an EA/PA.

I am far from getting recovered but I can feel that I am in a better position now and her thoughts did not bother me too much compare to when she was the only person in my mind.

What I am doing right now is to dive myself totally into work + jog in the morning & exercise + bit of dating.

I am sure you know that only NC is not enough, we have to be active in other parts of our life.

I wish you the best of luck for a good life with happiness.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:05 AM   #14
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Thank you London. I love where you live.

It's good to hear that you are recovering. Complete NC is the only way.

I retired last Friday and turned 70 last Monday.
It is not only the younger generations who make mistakes. LOL. There is a brand new chapter awaiting me. I have lots of plans in train for 2018.

I have been NC a lot longer than you. At certain times, it is difficult. Memories come back. I had an on /off stormy relationship with xMM for almost 10 years. It becomes more difficult when the A was long term.

I am loving how you have gone NC and getting back into reality.

Warmest Wishes,

Poppy.
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Old 19th December 2017, 10:38 AM   #15
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Congrats on your retirement Poppy and a super huge Happy Birthday!!

I snooped on xmm's wife's FB a few weeks back. She had changed her setting to private. It was a visual reminder/kick in the *ss that I was not welcome in their life.

2018 will be a change year for me too. I love to travel but did very little for the past 7 years as I didn't want miss my daily hour meet-ups with HIM. Blah. Heading out on a trip next month with one of my oldest g/friends. So looking forward to it!
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