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Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief


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Old 18th December 2017, 2:15 AM   #61
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Good to see your update and your hopefulness in getting through the difficulty of an affair, the fog, the self realization, the missing, the guilt, the consequences

I can empathize with you. I can relate to everything you write and I know you have true intentions in getting through this. An affair is difficult to come to terms with once you start breaking it down and realizing all the roles youíve played in it.

Those things that bittersweet mentioned
Therapy, reading books on affairs, marriage, addiction, self help, journaling, this site are all helpful in getting through it.
I know at times I feel like Iím finally getting somewhere and I come to LS to update and I get responses that feel harsh but itís the truth that I need to hear and the truth that I am no where near being over the affair. Many were right when they said it only gets harder. It really does. But donít give up! Youíre on the right path.
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Old 18th December 2017, 2:57 AM   #62
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I am going to therapy, reading many books, spending a lot of time in self reflection and journaling. Though DK3 is fair to be skeptical, I feel as if this time things are very different. The fever has broken, and the fog has lifted.

bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.

Thank you, grasshopper, for your support. It means a lot to me. I hope you are doing well, too! Stay strong. We can get through this.
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Old 18th December 2017, 9:11 AM   #63
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Glad to hear an update, Cindy! It sounds like you've been doing a lot of work on yourself and coming to a lot of realizations. I like your list of things that have helped you. What's been helping me a lot is being able to touch base with members of loveshack through PM. I think once you've made 50 posts you have access to that feature so keep posting! I have people I check with regularly to make sure I'm on track and to talk things through with.

I'm glad reading my thread helped you. There are so many helpful people there that post and I am so thankful for that. Actually, I was having a rough week and your comment prompted me to read my thread again. It reminded me of what I'd experience and thought, and why I don't want to go back there. So, thank you!
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Old 18th December 2017, 1:02 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by CindyC86 View Post
I am going to therapy, reading many books, spending a lot of time in self reflection and journaling. Though DK3 is fair to be skeptical, I feel as if this time things are very different. The fever has broken, and the fog has lifted.

bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.

Thank you, grasshopper, for your support. It means a lot to me. I hope you are doing well, too! Stay strong. We can get through this.
Cindy, I am glad you are doing those things, that is great. However, I am going to respectfully disagree re: telling the H and monogamy. The reason being, I told myself the same thing about humans and monogamy when I was in the A. So right now I would wonder if this opinion is justification of your actions or your true feelings (which, if it is, is your H aware of your feelings on monogamy? Did he know this belief about you before you married?)

Keep moving forward!
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Old 18th December 2017, 2:58 PM   #65
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Originally Posted by CindyC86 View Post

bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.

.
I actually agree with this. For me, well he found out but I told him the rest because it was at the point where it was either we had to fix this marriage or end it. We were each very unhappy and he had a right to go off and live his own life as well as did I.

But, if you feel your marriage is fine and this is your own personal issue and struggle, then yes, I don't think there is anything to be gained by dumping your crap all over the other person who had nothing to do with it, wrecking their life. Unless you want to get divorced basically. It's complete hell to live with a spouse after an affair. I mean it is horrible. Trust me, getting divorced is easier than rebuilding. It takes years. If you bring a D day upon you, you best be sure you know why you are doing it.

I do believe monogamy is a choice and it's hard. People are weak, susceptible to flattery and attention. Until you've been there, you can't quite understand. That said, once you go through several years of hell, hopefully the lesson is learned and like tequila shots, you have learned your lesson.
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Old 18th December 2017, 7:54 PM   #66
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Whatever life a couple decide to share is between them and only for them to decide.

However, I believe OP is being disingenuous with what she is saying because she has made an unilateral decision to have a one sided open marriage. If she truly believed what she was saying then she would be eager to tell her husband and offer him that same wonderful opportunity to have sex with whomever he liked.i believe that you truly believe what you're saying, but sometimes people in affairs can't trust Thier logic.

So, are.you willing and would you be happy for him to enjoy other women?

Last edited by DKT3; 18th December 2017 at 8:00 PM..
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:06 AM   #67
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Finally, this morning brings me some relief. I'm posting today to hold myself accountable, and to hopefully share some helpful things with others in a similar situation.

My AP and I had been on and off, NC, and slipping back in until things got too intense for me, and then back to NC. What a pattern of destructive behaviour these past two months. The last time I saw him was in late August, but we have just been dragging it on and on. I won't see him until February (under professional circumstances), but even then, I know it won't be right. I'm worried about seeing him and slipping back into this fog, but hope I can hold strong. I admit that long distance has been a great help for me in this situation, and my heart goes out to those of you who are suffering with your AP within reach.

I initiated NC a few days ago again, after being so hurt by it all and hating how I felt constantly waiting for a breadcrumb of a response from him; hating how much time I was devoting in my mind to the affair. I voraciously read through some online articles about ending affairs (again), and found some helpful suggestions which I will share here for others:

- conceptualizing a pie diagram and understanding exactly how much time you are spending/wasting on an impossible relationship and understanding the need to reclaim that time
- understanding the effects and illusion of being under the affair fog
- changing habits and patterns of thinking to produce new emotions. Instead of always remembering and reliving and rekindling, learning instead not to feed the flame of desire with old memories, to actively make a choice against your fantasy of the AP.
- replacing how your affair partner made you feel with other options/choices

I desperately needed to break the habit, break the idealized fantasy of my AP, break my need for him. I choose my husband, I choose my marriage, and I choose myself. Though I know my AP and I had something very special, it was just a complete impossibility. I also started visualizing more how this would make my husband feel, and also how I would feel if the roles were reversed. These give me strength to carry on day by day, hour by hour, even though it's a ****ing struggle sometimes.

I read Big Blue Sky's threads, especially 'How to move forward', and it helped me a lot. deadsoul and jenkins wonderful comments, and overtaxed's overt claims of why men enter into affairs really helped me gain some new perspective.

I will replace memories of my AP, and replace how he made me feel with other things. If I felt beautiful because of him, I will self care and take care of my skin, develop my body, and find beautiful clothes to fill that void (whatever it takes). If he made me feel cherished, I will cherish myself, and FINALLY allow my husband to cherish me. I recognize I was caught up in the fog of the new love, of the excitement, that I was already predisposed to loving this man of stature, whom I admired and respected, whom I found attractive, and who disarmed me so easily in my weakness. I will admit that one great gift my AP gave me was understanding that I deserved to be loved and cherished, and so now that I am more open and receptive to my husband being the provider of that energy, I can move on safely.

And lastly, I used to fantasize about the extremely hot sex and intense connection I had with my AP. Part of the issue with getting over him was my incessant reliving of our impossible experiences, the illicit and exciting nature of it all that was so hard to match in my marriage. I would relive memories of him and it would give me these full body electric reactions, like dopamine flooding into my system; it is not a lie to claim that affairs are like a drug addiction. Stopping the act of fantasizing about him has led to huge gains on moving forward. Even if you have to fantasize about something completely OTHER (Kim Kardashian, etc lol), it breaks the habit! Reclaiming my sexual energy and identity as my own has been so empowering. It belongs to each of us; not to anyone else, not even your spouse.

Anyways, I decided to update here in order to write it down in hopes of staying on the line. Even though I haven't posted in a long time, the support and love of the LS community has been a huge help to me. Good luck to others out there.

This was timely for me to read, thank you for this.... I was really with you on the fantasy part until you mentioned Kim Kardashian.... but I guess she really DOES work killing the fantasy. ;-)

Re: confessing... that's your personal choice. I do believe you can still grow and recommit to your marriage without confessing. You will get a lot of feedback about this, but do what you feel is best for you and your situation. I confessed. I don't regret it... but regret what it did to my H.

Stay accountable. That's key. Keep posting! Stay NC and focus on you and rebuilding your life and marriage.
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:13 AM   #68
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DKT3 and bittersweetie, yes, we have discussed (I have brought up) opening our marriage several times over the years. However, it is my husband who isn't interested in it, and as a result, I remain choked off and feel restricted. Again, we married very young and though I knew I was much more 'free' than he was, it wasn't something that was fully fleshed out in my early 20s and that I was able to articulate at that time. It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there. I really like Esther Perel's analogy that if we are recovering alcoholics and make a mistake and have a drink once or twice in twenty years, we are still doing extraordinarily well; but we have this completely unrealistic idea about monogamy, and if you have even one transgression, all of a sudden you are a monster.

Anyways, yes, no d day for me because it doesn't seem like it would help anyone.

Big Blue Sky, hang in there! You are an inspiration for so many people on this forum

Though today I felt 'bored' and was curious to look into my AP, I managed to resist the urge. I truly feel as if I've turned a corner. Some days are harder than others, but I just have to continue making the right choices.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:59 AM   #69
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DKT3 and bittersweetie, yes, we have discussed (I have brought up) opening our marriage several times over the years. However, it is my husband who isn't interested in it, and as a result, I remain choked off and feel restricted. Again, we married very young and though I knew I was much more 'free' than he was, it wasn't something that was fully fleshed out in my early 20s and that I was able to articulate at that time. It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there. I really like Esther Perel's analogy that if we are recovering alcoholics and make a mistake and have a drink once or twice in twenty years, we are still doing extraordinarily well; but we have this completely unrealistic idea about monogamy, and if you have even one transgression, all of a sudden you are a monster.

Anyways, yes, no d day for me because it doesn't seem like it would help anyone.

Big Blue Sky, hang in there! You are an inspiration for so many people on this forum

Though today I felt 'bored' and was curious to look into my AP, I managed to resist the urge. I truly feel as if I've turned a corner. Some days are harder than others, but I just have to continue making the right choices.
Again, not sound logic. It makes sense to you because you want it too. Example, say one hasn't eaten in two days when you walk upon someone enjoying a wonderful meal, one could make a logical decision to murder that person for that meal, logical but not sound.

Nothing you are saying is sound, you say "hold myself accountable" well your sleeping with another man so that isn't working. You really can't white knuckle yourself through this with shady logic and self serving reasoning.

All.of that animal stuff is rubbish, because humans have the ability to reason and anticipate how our actions will negatively impact others.

So you desire to be with multiple men, that's your business, however you have a responsibility towards your husband 1) to allow him to decide how many people he is willing to have is health and life at risk for 2) understand what risks his life is in 3) to decide what kind of person he wants to spend his life with.

I disagree that you are doing this for his benefit, we hear that same line here everyday. You are doing it because in large part you know he wouldn't accept you sleeping with someone else. Lastly, how could you be so sure that he wouldn't be happier knowing exactly what he is married to and having the choice to decide what you truly are is someone he isn't interested in spending his life with?

People who truly love wants what's best, what's best is usually what that person decides.
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Old 19th December 2017, 6:58 AM   #70
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I agree with DKT3.
All this high minded "I choose my husband, I choose my marriage..." has now disintegrated into a diatribe against monogamy?????

It is all simply justification for cheating on your husband.
Of course Dday is not on the cards, of course he doesn't need to know, of course he would be very hurt, of course "I will spare him the pain..."
How magnanimous of you...

ALL designed to keep the affair under wraps and to keep cake eating with no consequences.

I believe some people are at their core monogamous and do not/will not/cannot comprehend cheating/open marriages or any other practices where more than one lover is involved, whilst others are not monogamous and never really will be completely, so cheating is always an option for them.

You, I guess are of the latter variety and you really have no business deceiving your husband into thinking all is hunky dory in his world.
Go find a man whose beliefs match your own, set up an open marriage, see and sleep with as many men as you want, but leave your husband to go find a truly loyal woman.

(ATM I guess you are now just free wheeling until February, when you will see the OM again...)
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Old 19th December 2017, 10:45 AM   #71
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It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there.
You are justifying your decision to break the marriage covenant, pretty much giving yourself permission to do it again in the future. There really is a simple solution for people who don't wish to be monogamous, 1. Don't marry 2. marry someone who feels the same.
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Old 19th December 2017, 11:40 AM   #72
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DKT3 and bittersweetie, yes, we have discussed (I have brought up) opening our marriage several times over the years. However, it is my husband who isn't interested in it, and as a result, I remain choked off and feel restricted. Again, we married very young and though I knew I was much more 'free' than he was, it wasn't something that was fully fleshed out in my early 20s and that I was able to articulate at that time. It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there. I really like Esther Perel's analogy that if we are recovering alcoholics and make a mistake and have a drink once or twice in twenty years, we are still doing extraordinarily well; but we have this completely unrealistic idea about monogamy, and if you have even one transgression, all of a sudden you are a monster.

Anyways, yes, no d day for me because it doesn't seem like it would help anyone.

Big Blue Sky, hang in there! You are an inspiration for so many people on this forum

Though today I felt 'bored' and was curious to look into my AP, I managed to resist the urge. I truly feel as if I've turned a corner. Some days are harder than others, but I just have to continue making the right choices.
Then get divorced.

You want to argue your case for why monogamy isn't realistic = then stop being married!

Proper order is key. After your D is final you can do what you want to - but proper order helps in causing harm.

Yes, people having affairs cause lots of harm. Harm to self, harm to others. If you intend to date them simply divorce your H!
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Old 19th December 2017, 11:46 AM   #73
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bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.
If you struggle with monogamy and find it impossible perhaps you would do better to be single. Does your husband know this is a struggle for you?
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Old 19th December 2017, 11:56 AM   #74
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It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there.
If you really feel this way divorce your husband and be single. Why hold on to him knowing you want to cheat? He has every right to know what he has been exposed to and to make a choice to choose another woman who has no problem staying faithful to him. With your attitude and desires you can't be trusted to remain faithful.
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Old 19th December 2017, 1:17 PM   #75
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Okay Cindy...you have wanted an open marriage for a while. Your husband knows this but does not want an open marriage. You went ahead and opened the marriage on your side anyway. How exactly then are you going to reconnect and reconcile with your husband if you still feel the same way about monogamy as you did before the affair?

I am not minimizing your opinion, but I am confused on how you see yourself reconciling with your husband after an affair when you don't truly believe in monogamy, which is what marriage means for many people, including it seems your husband.

I guess what I'm asking is: how do you picture your marriage with your H moving forward? And is that picture realistic considering both of your feelings?

Last edited by Bittersweetie; 19th December 2017 at 1:24 PM..
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