Sad Flower Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Ok we all know that some MM are with their wives and then with the OW on the side. My MM was separated from his wife so I was not sending him home every night to her but for you OW who do have to do that.....How do you deal with that? Even if he is with his wife say once a week he is still with her then with you. I'm glad my MM situation was not like that but if it was I couldn't handle that. How do you cope sleeping alone @ night while he is sleeping next to her? How do you handle giving him oral sex knowing he must be with her sometimes? Or did he just come from kissing her? Kissing is a very intimate thing....... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 You get out of the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 GOD KILL ME PLEASE! I was soooooooooooooooo stupid! Link to post Share on other sites
Circles Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Originally posted by Sad Flower OK we all know that some MM are with their wives and then with the OW on the side. My MM was separated from his wife so I was not sending him home every night to her but for you OW who do have to do that.....How do you deal with that? Even if he is with his wife say once a week he is still with her then with you. I'm glad my MM situation was not like that but if it was I couldn't handle that. How do you cope sleeping alone @ night while he is sleeping next to her? How do you handle giving him oral sex knowing he must be with her sometimes? Or did he just come from kissing her? Kissing is a very intimate thing....... My question is how do you know that they are making love only once a week? You are only going by with he is telling you. Most people who cheat on their SO/W/H, are engaging in more sexually encounters then they let you know about. Most married individuals that cheat and continue to still stay with their spouse are not as unhappy as they appear to be. Sure she may be lacking in some areas, but he still chooses to still in that relationship. Not to be harsh when he is making love to her he is thinking about her. When you are doing whatever it is that you do to him, that he is not getting at home, he wishes it was her. I know first hand because I am trying to end a 4 years relationship with a married man. Dating someone that is married is like trying to put a ban-aid on a cancerous sore. You don't see what is happening, but the ban-aid is still not helping. Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 OMG Circles you are so right! Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 When I was the OW to a man in a CR I never really thought about him having sex w/ her. As long as I was getting it when he came home to visit I didn't care. I was young, and stupid and myself esteem wasn't exactly high up there. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 20, 2005 Share Posted March 20, 2005 Sadflower, when you are in a relationship with a MM, you simply have to accept that this person has not given you his loyalty. You have no real claim to a sexually monogamous relationship with him. It may hurt, but that's that. If you tend to get jealous and you want a relationship with someone where you don't have to be jealous, find someone who is available. I have strong loving feelings for a married man (he feels the same way toward me), and sometimes I feel angry at his wife. But she is his wife, and I have to accept that. How do I cope? By letting him make his decisions, accepting them, and getting myself to move on. It's hard, but I have to accept that I can't have the kind of relationship with this man that I want. And so I am easing my way out of his life and learning to accept that I probably will NEVER be able to snuggle with him every night. Hopefully, I will find someone else to snuggle with. Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Hopefully, I will find someone else to snuggle with. You will. Most of us will, eventually. The hard part is that it involves letting go of the person we love, and admitting to ourselves that it is never going to happen with that person, which is why this is so painful. I can see that you are doing that, and you will be much better off for it in the long run. This is one of the many reasons why these types of relationships are not a good idea. I was told that the abusive H had been cut off, and that MW was not sleeping with him. Well, I later found out that was a lie (I beleive she did cut him off for a while, or tried, but I think the emotional guilt trip was just too much for her to deal with, and it resumed before I was told). And guess where MW still is? Anyone in this type of relationship, should get out of it, and find someone who only wants to be with you. And for anyone thinking about getting involved with a married person - don't. Whatever you believe about what is right, or whatever they have told you about what may be wrong with their relationships, it is just way too hard on the OW/OM. You will have your own personal hell once the MM/MW starts waffling about leaving, and then eventually doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Forum User Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 WithorWithoutYou, Thank you, that was very kind of you to offer encouraging words. I read your other posts a few days ago, about your situation with the woman you love and her abusive husband. I must say, you have a kind, generous, and courageous heart. You got some good advice in the replies to your post too. The only thing that I would like to add is that it is more insightful to compare you to "a knight in shining armor" than "the devil she doesn't know". I don't think it is so much that she is afraid of your being her next oppressor as that she needs to find the strength to leave this guy of her own accord rather than being wisked away by a hero-figure. Either way, it is a matter of her learning to take control of her own life rather than relinquishing power to men-- the other forum posters were right about that. With her husband, the power over her is a malevolent one. With you, it's benevolent, but if you play the hero-figure she is still not taking control herself. However, the fact that she should not utterly depend on others to save her does not mean that she should be completely left alone to deal with this. We all need the support of others in our most trying times, and she probably will not find the strength to leave without a support system. However, it is also not fair for you to take on more than you can emotionally. You are right, it can be something of a personal hell, and you should never be expected to endure that. It seems that your personal hell was/is worse than most. It is one thing to not know if your love will ever come back to you, it is quite another to see your love repeatedly entangling herself in a relationship with someone so manipulative, domineering, and abusive. I am sorry that you have had to endure that. I wish for the best for the woman you love(d), but you are right to move on. And I admire your courage in doing it. I wish for the best for you too. May you find someone wonderful to snuggle with. And thanks again for the encouragement. ~Tamed Wildflower (I don't know why I can't log in! This is why I chose a generic nickname for this message.) Link to post Share on other sites
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Thank you for the kind words too Tamed Wildflower. I hope you can get your login problem fixed and will stick around. I never really thought of myself as a knight in shining armor, just a guy who loves her, and was trying to help. I always knew that leaving that hell she lives in would have to be her choice, but I also knew she would need some help with the logistics of doing that, and a strong support system once she did. That is what I wanted to be for her, and with how she still says she feels about me (the last time we talked early this month anyway), and how I feel about her, I also knew that there would be more. I did tell her that if she decided that we were not working out after she left him, that I would still be her friend, and would let her go, and that it wasn't about switching from one guy who would not let her go to another. She seemed to understand that (while at the same time saying lots of things about how I was the one she wanted to be with), but I think the guilt was just too much for her to leave and stick with it, and abusive guy has become a master at using that. Who knows, perhaps some day she will figure it out, and get out of there and away from him so she can have a decent life. I really hope so, because I still care a great deal about what happens to her, but I have waited so long and can't wait any longer, and I do need to find someone else to snuggle with. Link to post Share on other sites
erika2610 Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme You get out of the affair. Wow.. good answer! If only I had thought of that.. if only I had known it was so easy.. Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 21, 2005 Share Posted March 21, 2005 WithOrWithoutYou, Yep, the login problem seems to have fixed itself. And I will stick around, I think. Good luck finding someone else to snuggle with. ;-) Tamed Wildflower Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad Flower Posted March 22, 2005 Author Share Posted March 22, 2005 My question is how do you know that they are making love only once a week? You are only going by with he is telling you. Most people who cheat on their SO/W/H, are engaging in more sexually encounters then they let you know about. Once a week was a per say.......I'm not in this type of relationship or have never been but I was thinking about all the women here on LS and wondered how they deal with that?!?! I don't think I could handle it, I would curl up in a ball everynight knowing he is with her and is maybe having sex with her as I wondered about him Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 well ....that is simple. YOU DON`T HAVE SEX WITH HER (?) ...so you don`t deal with it Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 ha ha thats what i was gonna say ww i dont have sex with his wife! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad Flower Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 Well basically you do have sex with his wife, he's with her then you, he just comes from having sex with her then you see him and you give me a blo job, yuck...could not deal with that Link to post Share on other sites
Littlepink24 Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Sad Flower I totally get you on that. I hate knowing that when he goes home he is with her and not me. The sex thing is totally based on what he wants you to hear. how would we ever really know? We won't. That kills me. I am wondering is it just me ir does your MM/MW tell you that sex with their H/W is boring and they just need to get away and that you are much more exciting when it comes to sex? I bet more people get that than I would have ever thought. For a while I did think that I was this horrible person and that I was the only one who had all these thoughts and feelings until the other day I was browing the web and found this site. I have had many different views on my story and even reading everyone elses stories helps a lot to make things a litte bit easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sad Flower Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 Littlepink24 Glad to hear the site is helping you out. I am no longer with the MM but while I was dating him he wasn't with his wife but if he was i wouldn't be able to deal with that. I'd be deppressed everynight. I think one reason MM cheat is the new exciting sex and feelings they get with the OW. I'm sure their sex isn't super the way it was when they first started to date but in some cases I'm sure the sex with their wife isn't that bad either Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Well, as for me, I don't have sex with the MM. I don't give him oral sex. He doesn't give me oral sex. You get the picture. My situation is an emotional affair, at least as far as our actions go (our minds are another story!) I don't really quite understand why a woman in my position would want to enter into a sexual affair with a MM. Or why the MM would for that matter. (Or a MW and OM) Yes, I understand entirely that we are not always thinking rationally when we do these things. We're crazy attracted to someone, and that can be very compelling, very hard to resist getting swept off our feet in a passionate love affair. If such an attraction were to happen with a SG, I would say go for it in all its passion and glory. Act on the feelings in your heart and body and don't look back. But REALITY CHECK. He's MARRIED. Because I do care deeply about him, I care about his decisions, about his commitments, about the marriage and child that are important to him. So I have always taken care to keep the passions of my body in check and deal with our feelings with my head and my heart. A sexual affair would be bad for both of us. On his end, it would be even worse for his marriage than our emotional affair. On my end, why knowingly put myself through the trauma and pain of intensifying our relationship when I know I can't have with him the kind of full, dedicated, committed relationship that I want? Yes, sex is tempting both because of how pleasureable it would be and how loving it would be. But it is not the right thing to do for either of us. I KNOW some of you are going to say, "You are such a hypocrite! If you care so much about this guy, why are you even having an emotional affair?" Well, it happened slowly, and I didn't fully understand what was happening as it was happening, or whether he felt the same things. I wasn't looking for it or expecting it. It's a lot easier to control what you do with your body than what happens with your heart. And actions are a lot less ambiguous than feelings. (If you have sex, you know you are doing it! If you are falling for someone, it's more confusing-- "are my feelings serious?" "does he feel them too?" "why is this happening?" "maybe I should just ignore the stronger feelings and be his friend; he means too much to me now to lose his friendship!!") Now that we are open about our feelings, I am gearing up to pull away emotionally so that he can focus on his marriage. If you want to read exactly how this happened with me, read my other post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t58782/ (I was not registered yet, so the user name is "Young Woman") Link to post Share on other sites
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Hey I am just wondering-- for you other OW, and the OM out there, why do you get involved in sexual affairs? What are you thinking when you decide to have sex? (BESIDES "I'm horny!") Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 ...besides I am Horny... this is what i was thinking: Link to post Share on other sites
TUDOR Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 I don't think it always starts out with the sex. For me it was the incredible ability we had to be so open with each other. A connection and chemistry that was hard to ignore. We made the the mistake of feeding that chemistry because we were both lacking that awesome communication we were enjoying with each other at home. Next thing you know we had opened up to one another. The sex part came pretty easy after that. And wouldn't you know it because we communicated so well and were very open to each other, the sex was amazing. Very easy to get addicted to. Yes it was more intense and passionate and even more naughty then it was with the W, but it was like being clued into the fact that I only thought what I had before was good. A new bar had been set and suddenly the at home sex became seen as dull and boring along with the structured conversation. I craved that reckless and no boundaries relationship I had with the OW. What a mess now though!! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 I KNOW some of you are going to say, "You are such a hypocrite! If you care so much about this guy, why are you even having an emotional affair?" Well, it happened slowly, and I didn't fully understand what was happening as it was happening, or whether he felt the same things. I wasn't looking for it or expecting it. It's a lot easier to control what you do with your body than what happens with your heart. And actions are a lot less ambiguous than feelings. (If you have sex, you know you are doing it! If you are falling for someone, it's more confusing-- "are my feelings serious?" "does he feel them too?" "why is this happening?" "maybe I should just ignore the stronger feelings and be his friend; he means too much to me now to lose his friendship!!") Hey I am just wondering-- for you other OW, and the OM out there, why do you get involved in sexual affairs? What are you thinking when you decide to have sex? (BESIDES "I'm horny!") QUOTE BY TAMED WILDFLOWER things like this really pi$$ me off!! well people are looking down on what i do so i'll go an look down on someone else to make me feel better. yes you are a hypocrite! Link to post Share on other sites
ww Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 I'm suggesting we call sex something else, and it should include everything from kissing to sitting close together. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Well, as a betrayed spouse, I'd like to point out that you're not 'doing any favors' for his wife by not going ahead and having a physical relationship with him. The damage you are doing to his marriage is just as real as if you had let this go further. Trust me, I know. The only thing either of you can do at this point is to end the affair where it's at now, and free him to either go back to his wife and work on repairing his marriage (both the damage done by the affair, and whatever was lacking in his marriage that lead to his beginning the affair in the first place) or to go back to his wife and end his marriage. Either way, the only way to PROCEED at this point is to end it and start working on the future from there. Regardless, I hope that this turns out as best it can for all of you involved...you, him, AND his wife and family. Link to post Share on other sites
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