Devastated1969 Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I have been divorced for 4 years and live with my 2 children. I met a guy last year who told me he was separated from his wife and they had split due to growing apart and having no connection for many years. He was married about 15 years with 2 children. The relationship moved fast and he moved in with me after 2 months. I can honestly say we were blissfully happy during the whole 6 months we were together, I met his parents who welcomed me to the family but not his children who he said were struggling to come to terms with him having a new relationship. He told me he loved me so much every day, that he was going to marry me, we had lots of future plans. He saw his children each weekend when he took them out for the day. One weekend when we had just had an amazing previous day and he told me he'd never felt as happy in his life, he went to see his children and when he returned I knew something was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it but he broke down and said he had to leave as he was hurting his children too much. He left the following day. I am totally heartbroken and don't understand what happened. I thought we were going to be together forever and he was my soulmate... He since told me that his daughter said she would never see him again while he was with me and he's decided to commit to his family and wants no further contact. I respect his decision and if I had thought there was anything between them at any time, I would never have got involved. I am so shocked. It's been 2 weeks of no contact now and I don't know how to cope, I feel completely broken by this but know I have to walk away and leave him to repair his marriage if he can. I just don't understand why he got involved with me in the first place or how he could switch his feelings completely around in 24 hours.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 Would really appreciate any insight from anyone on this, I feel so low about everything :-( did he mean any of it or was it all lies? Why would he bother to live with me and tell me how much he loved me every day? So confused.... Link to post Share on other sites
LaylaSings Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I'm so sorry you are hurting. Don't take this personal. The relationship between parents and kids is intense and confusing and I'm sure it was not an easy decision for him to make. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I met a guy last year who told me he was separated from his wife and they had split due to growing apart and having no connection for many years. He was married about 15 years with 2 children. The relationship moved fast and he moved in with me after 2 months. Things moved quickly and it seems maybe he didn't get used to the adjustments and changes of separating and moved in with you too quickly instead of being on his own for a while. It is possible their separation wasn't leading to divorce and instead of being honest with you, he led on you on. He left his marriage without trying hard to fix it, to reconnect with his wife. I am sorry you're hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 I agree that he didn't give himself enough time and we did discuss that before he moved in as I was worried he would change his mind but he seemed so totally committed to me... I have been hurt badly in previous marriage so explained all my fears to him at an early stage but he honestly made me feel totally secure throughout saying that he was with me to stay and was the most happiest he had ever been in his life... I just feel such a fool :-( Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 You've done nothing wrong. This is all on him and he probably didn't foresee the future, that it was too soon and the effect it was going to have on his kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 How old are his kids? Did his wife want to reconcile? Hard to know what the future holds. I'm sorry you are hurting, what a miserable situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 His kids are 10 and 16. He hadn't said that his wife wanted to reconcile at any stage to me so I really don't know. She obviously knew he was living with me and he would talk to her on the phone about the kids when I was there with nothing obvious to me. The week before he left we had booked a holiday and he had been talking to a solicitor about starting the divorce. The only thing that seemed to happen was when he went to see the children and the daughter was obviously feeling a lot of anger and resentment about the situation. I understand that must have been so very hard for him but I truly never believed he would leave me... Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry you are hurting. It's so common, and you are blindsided because you wouldn't do this to someone you love. Yet they tear us to pieces unnecessarily. What you can do is shut the door and nail it behind him. He's gonna come back to mess you up with random "I miss you" and "thinking of you". He's confused and troubled and she won't be a peach like you for long. Don't respond and allow yourself the time and space to heal. It annoys me to hear about working on a relationship. There's a point where this obsessive idea becomes ridiculous. Anyway, it usually comes down to a dysfunctional dance between them. Apparently the kids are involved as well. You can't win, they're too intermingled and it's not necessarily bliss it anything will change. If you do keep in contact you could become the springboard for bettering their marriage. For your own sake, don't. Do not talk to him unless he's divorced for a while. Edit to add that it upsets me to see that he was involved in your kids life. No consideration for what they're going through. It's always them. Their spouses are better, their kids the only important ones. Quite selfish and inconsiderate. Hug... Edited February 16, 2014 by cutedragon 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 I'm sorry. This is the danger of dating a man who is only separated. Until the deed is done and all the emotions are dealt with, you just never really know what they're going to do. Add to that the pressure of the kids and the crushing guilt the parents feel....it's all too much. I dated a divorced man with three kids and I knew that I couldn't really be sure he was committed until the kids were comfortable enough with me around. In these situations so much rests on the man in the middle to do the right thing, to manage all the emotions and to take care of everyone else (the kids, you) who are all in it together only because they all love him. If he handles it well, it can be successful, if not....then heartbreak ahead. My divorced dad is one of the good ones and we're now married. The kids stay with us and they're fine with it. I'm sorry it didn't work out as well for you. Truly. Try not to take it personally, though I know that's difficult. There were greater forces at work here than you could manage. Lick your wounds and when you're ready, move on. hugs. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 16, 2014 Author Share Posted February 16, 2014 Thanks cute, you so understand how I feel... I know I need to walk away and put this behind me for good so why do I want him to contact me so bad??? Stupid as I know it is ruined now and it would never be the same again. I just can't bear to think he came into my life, made me feel so very special and loved and then just walks out again to work on the marriage he told me had been over for years. Will it really work out for them? I guess the best thing is that it does. Yes my kids welcomed him into our home and liked him, were very happy for us both to have found each other and we did things together like go out for meals, family events etc... He didn't even say goodbye to them, just left :-( Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted February 16, 2014 Share Posted February 16, 2014 It requires a lot from both people to change a relationship for the better. You are divorced, I bet you tried your best not to get there. People don't change and it takes a lot of willingness and effort to change. Will they? Who knows? The fact is you can't wait for the outcome of that and need to live your own life. At some point I read a statistic that 15% marriages are happy, so the rest are cruising by in some other marriage status than happiness. People will do what they want to do, and if this is what he wants so be it. You'll have a hard time getting over wanting to hear from him and having an explanation. He doesn't make much sense really, so you can forget about that second part for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I'm sorry you are hurting. It's so common, and you are blindsided because you wouldn't do this to someone you love. Yet they tear us to pieces unnecessarily. What you can do is shut the door and nail it behind him. He's gonna come back to mess you up with random "I miss you" and "thinking of you". He's confused and troubled and she won't be a peach like you for long. Don't respond and allow yourself the time and space to heal. It annoys me to hear about working on a relationship. There's a point where this obsessive idea becomes ridiculous. Anyway, it usually comes down to a dysfunctional dance between them. Apparently the kids are involved as well. You can't win, they're too intermingled and it's not necessarily bliss it anything will change. If you do keep in contact you could become the springboard for bettering their marriage. For your own sake, don't. Do not talk to him unless he's divorced for a while. Edit to add that it upsets me to see that he was involved in your kids life. No consideration for what they're going through. It's always them. Their spouses are better, their kids the only important ones. Quite selfish and inconsiderate. Hug... What a very wise and kind post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 17, 2014 Author Share Posted February 17, 2014 I'm just so confused. Everything seemed so perfect. I honestly had no clues he was in any way doubting our relationship... His parents are devastated he has gone back but I am unclear why they feel this so strongly, they text to say they were so gutted about what's happened, they knew we were great together and can't bring themselves to speak to their son at the moment.. In some ways surely they would be pleased he was back with his wife but maybe they know things i dont... I just don't know how to move on when what we had was so special... I just want him to make contact and say its all a mistake but even if he did it would never be the same again... What a mess :-( Link to post Share on other sites
kalimata Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 Have you considered reaching out to his wife? And asking her what happened? He may have been lying to you. Either way I agree with the previous posters. Move on with your life. Don't sit around waiting for him to contact you again. Sounds like he has a lot of issues to work through. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted February 17, 2014 Share Posted February 17, 2014 I am so sorry. Of course it is easy to say you moved too fast but most of us in some area or another have been guilty of that. It also saddens me when I see people giving so much power to their child. If they were truly seperated and everyone knew he was in another relationship lettin his teenager dictate his future is not healthy for her. And the wife allowing it is wrong. He could be kind and patient with his daughter but he did not have to bend to her manipulation. The fact he did does not paint him in the best light. As for you. Hang in there. Focus on doin things for you and your children. Staying busy does help. You could contact the wife but I think that would just insert you into their drama. That wouldn't ve good for you or your kids. You could also try his parents if you feel you got close enough to them. But be sure to let them no it is a last contact and you won't be bothering them again or using them to get to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Thanks, I guess I feel that to make contact with either the wife, parents or his family just stops me letting go and potentially gives him an ego boost if they tell him... and I know that whatever answer I get probably won't make sense or be enough for me to understand what he's done. I know I have to just focus on my children and myself and move forward, leaving this sorry episode behind me... Just wish it didn't hurt so ver much Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Why is NC so damn painful? I know he has gone and I can't change it so why is it so hard to accept... I want some validation that I wasn't imagining the love and joy that we shared every day, that I'm not a complete idiot :-( How could he seem so completely head over heels in love with me one day and gone the next. Is he even hurting or just feeling relieved to get back to his old life and family?How on earth must his w be feeling about him after what he's done.. I guess maybe I've had a lucky escape but right now I cant see that. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I am so sorry you are hurting. I can imagine however (though I don't necessarily agree, as your relationship was real and not within the context of an affair), it is hard to see your children hurting. There isn't much I wouldn't do to take pain away from my children. I don't think that it was probably the best situation as he was obviously unhappy enough at one time to leave... but if my daughter needed me to take her pain away and come back home, it would be a very tough choice. Did you ever spend time with his children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 I didn't meet his children as he always said his daughter in particular was having trouble coming to terms with him being in a new relationship. I do understand it must have been heart wrenching for him as I am a mum too and understand that you would do anything to stop their pain... I guess it makes me question so much, would he really let her dictate his future and allow her to take control or was it just an excuse to go back... If the latter, why on earth give the impression of such happiness with me, desire to be a part of each others families, etc, it just doesn't make any sense... I babbling now, just feel so completely devastated Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Is my situation so unusual? Why do I feel like there is nobody out there who understands. I'm sitting here now wondering is he happy? We were so happy so what is he doing right now. Probably asleep. Is he happy with his choice? Does he not think or care about me. God I'm bored with myself and everything I keep saying. Why can't I just let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 Why is it so hard to stick to NC.... I just want to know if he even thinks about me. It's only been just over 2 weeks since he returned to his wife after living with me. One day I was in a loving and fantastic relationship with the man I thought I would spend my life with and the next gone, decided to R with the wife he told me he was separated from and the M was long over! So gutted and having to sit on my hands to stop myself texting him... Trying so hard to respect his decision but I have so many unanswered questions :-( Link to post Share on other sites
FnlyFrei Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Firstly. He was separated, right? So not officially free emotionally to be in a relationship, nor live with someone. Bad on him for his selfishness, bad on you for becoming attached to someone who wasn't really free in the first place. I know it is hard, but he doesn't owe you an explanation. I hope you do not contact him, and scrape yourself off the floor, and start over. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devastated1969 Posted February 20, 2014 Author Share Posted February 20, 2014 I know and you're right... I just truly believed him when he said his M was over, told me every day how much he loved me and how much he wanted to spend his life with me... Right up until the day before he left. Now I just feel a complete fool Link to post Share on other sites
wasntlooking Posted February 20, 2014 Share Posted February 20, 2014 Oh i so know how you feel. I started NC and its been five months. I did not want to do it but obviously is the right choice. I struggle everyday with wanting to contact him. I feel a ton of unfinished buisness is left. You have to take it a minute at a time. I do and it has been workijg. Im just hoping one day i wake up and dont care anymore to talk to him. Baby steps but i plan to get there one day. Stay strong, it hurts like ive never imagined i know it. Link to post Share on other sites
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