waterlove Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 My MM is finally leaving his wife after 2 years together with me. After many sleepless nights of texting, steamy afternoons, trips away, stolen nights....a relationship full of highs and lows, what to me was the center of my universe, a real, if lonely relationship....I finally told him I couldn't do this anymore and tried to break up with him. Went on a date with another man and happened to run into my MM at the restaurant. After that he begged me to stay with him and said he was going to leave her. 4 months later we are finally at that point. He is actually moving out, his wife is freaking out about it and trying to use the kids as weapons, and found out about all the new furniture he bought. Now his life is crazy as he's trying to move into his other house while trying to make this transition ok for the kids. He's taking it all very well so far and I'm the one that's upset. I'm so angry that his soon to be exwife is trashing him to everyone and using the kids as a guilt trip. She doesn't love him like I do. She doesn't know about me yet believe it or not. I'm scared and happy at the same time.....just so worried he will be hurt by the backlash and feeling very protective of him but can't do anything to help except tell him how much I love him. I can't wait for him to finally move out but she's making this so miserable for everyone that I'm really becoming sick of all this drama. Is there anyone that actually comes through all this ok?
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 The rug was pulled out from under her, obviously she didn't know this was coming. The reason why she's freaking out is probably because he's treating her like crap and being cruel, pushing things along too fast and the kids (please don't put it ALL on her) are caught up in this mess. Obviously they know something was off with you moving out and them divorcing. She shouldn't be bashing you to the kids, but she has every right to tell anybody else about her husband leaving her and the kids to be with you. You forced him to make a choice by dating someone else and he reacted. The fallout is painful, so have some sympathy for her. SHE WILL be in your lives forever because they share children, so respect her. Don't rush the kids into your life either, allow them time and space to adjust and get used to all the changes around them. last thing they need is a new step mom shoved in their life and have to deal with that too. You have to remember you and her husband have created this drama. Don't blame her for being upset about losing everything she loved. Her whole world has been turned upside down. Remember how he is treating her. The woman he said vows to, the woman who gave birth to their children. DON'T assume you know him better than her! You could be her down the road, married to him, have a child by him and he could find another OW to fill in that role, as he's been used to having two women meet all needs now for a very long time.
Author waterlove Posted March 13, 2012 Author Posted March 13, 2012 Wow, so exactly why do you think I'm moving in with him? I have my own home and not planning on moving in anytime soon, at least a year or longer, after he is divorced.. So don't be so quick to judge me or him. I'm a very empathetic person and I actually have been in her shoes and was left for aother woman by my ex husband. I didn't mean to fall in love with him, sometime these things happen. And I have no intention of meeting his kids for at least 6 months or longer. I'm not planning on forcing myself into the role of stepmom as you assumed. I thought this thread was to support people in relationships like this. Not to bash them. And I Didn't force him to make a decision. I was ready to let it go and part as friends. He is the one that pursued this after we broke up.
2sunny Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Let's see how wonderful it seems when reality hits you. When his family shows anger toward you or you have to stay his secret - you may not be so happy at that point either. Life is certainly bound to be a roller coaster for a long while - that's why I always suggest staying completely OUT OF IT until his D is final. 2
woinlove Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 My MM is finally leaving his wife after 2 years together with me. After many sleepless nights of texting, steamy afternoons, trips away, stolen nights....a relationship full of highs and lows, what to me was the center of my universe, a real, if lonely relationship....I finally told him I couldn't do this anymore and tried to break up with him. Went on a date with another man and happened to run into my MM at the restaurant. After that he begged me to stay with him and said he was going to leave her. 4 months later we are finally at that point. He is actually moving out, his wife is freaking out about it and trying to use the kids as weapons, and found out about all the new furniture he bought. Now his life is crazy as he's trying to move into his other house while trying to make this transition ok for the kids. He's taking it all very well so far and I'm the one that's upset. I'm so angry that his soon to be exwife is trashing him to everyone and using the kids as a guilt trip. She doesn't love him like I do. She doesn't know about me yet believe it or not. I'm scared and happy at the same time.....just so worried he will be hurt by the backlash and feeling very protective of him but can't do anything to help except tell him how much I love him. I can't wait for him to finally move out but she's making this so miserable for everyone that I'm really becoming sick of all this drama. Is there anyone that actually comes through all this ok? Sounds like he missed his chance. When children are involved, the best one can do in ending the M is to be honest and respectful and try to be kind. He hasn't done any of those as he is still lying. I hope his children are young enough not to feel this very much, although these things have a tendency to come out and could affect his R with his children too. Perhaps you can encourage him to get some therapy and he could delve into why he treats his family this way -- otherwise it is likely to have implications for your own R together in the future. Since he is still lying, try not to put much emphasis on what he says about his W, as he may be trying to justify his own behavior. See if he can get help.
MissBee Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) She doesn't love him like you do??? If he did what he did to her to you if you guys were married with a house and kids....exactly how would you behave and feel? Please explain. I'm sorry but I never understand why an OW needs to bring another woman, i.e. the BS into how she feels. If you love him fine, why does your love have to be measured against hers? Can your love not stand on it's own merit? Why does it need to be a foil to the BS's? You're sick of the drama, when the only reason there is drama is because of your A...and you put yourself in this position inadvertently by dating a MM....pardon me, if the dissolution of his marriage doesn't work out to your liking and that his wife is not sending you all relationship warming presents and happily planning a dinner in you all's honor. Don't blame her for the drama...blame yourself for dating a man with a wife and therefore signing your self up for drama. What would you have this woman do??? Do you think based on how he went about things, he and you truly deserve for it all to be solved drama free and painlessly??? This is the route you chose....so this is what happens...you roll with it. But to expect any less is unreasonable and delusional even. This also won't be the end as you have permanently taken on a bitter BS whose kids have no reason to like you and vote for you as step mom of the year. It won't get "happy" for a LONG time. That is REAL LIFE, the real fall out and real consequences. Ask some OW now turned primary partner....it is a difficult transition. That is life and life post A turned regular relationship. If it is too much you can opt out....but to expect that all will be honky dory for you all when you did not offer this woman and her kids the same courtesy is selfish, and more importantly, insane. To expect for her to be nice and just get over it so you won't have drama....insane. All actions have consequences.....if you are going to have an A...this happens....so MM needs to suck it up and deal...so do you. You made your bed, now you take your rose-tinted glasses off and get down to lying in it and making it work in a realistic way, which means accepting this won't be a bed of roses and much will have to be done. A MM with kids does not simply declare divorce after an A and then runs off into the sunset with his OW....no hon....that's not what happens. Lots of shhhh*t happens in between! Your man was unscrupulous so ya'll now have the backlash from that to handle as best as you can. Some humility, patience, understanding and compassion for ALL (not just you and him) would also go a LONG way. Edited March 13, 2012 by MissBee 9
standtall Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Waterlove..good luck in living happily ever after. I await in joyous anticipation of your future posts. 1
frozensprouts Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 My MM is finally leaving his wife after 2 years together with me. After many sleepless nights of texting, steamy afternoons, trips away, stolen nights....a relationship full of highs and lows, what to me was the center of my universe, a real, if lonely relationship....I finally told him I couldn't do this anymore and tried to break up with him. Went on a date with another man and happened to run into my MM at the restaurant. After that he begged me to stay with him and said he was going to leave her. 4 months later we are finally at that point. He is actually moving out, his wife is freaking out about it and trying to use the kids as weapons, and found out about all the new furniture he bought. Now his life is crazy as he's trying to move into his other house while trying to make this transition ok for the kids. He's taking it all very well so far and I'm the one that's upset. I'm so angry that his soon to be exwife is trashing him to everyone and using the kids as a guilt trip. She doesn't love him like I do. She doesn't know about me yet believe it or not. I'm scared and happy at the same time.....just so worried he will be hurt by the backlash and feeling very protective of him but can't do anything to help except tell him how much I love him. I can't wait for him to finally move out but she's making this so miserable for everyone that I'm really becoming sick of all this drama. Is there anyone that actually comes through all this ok? a couple of questions/ thoughts: (a) put yourself in his wife's place. you say she doesn't know anything about you yet. So what he may have done is just, out of the blue, told her he wasn't happy anymore, loved her but wasn't "in love with her", etc. ( I'm sure you will have heard of all the excuses used in a situation like this), so of course she is freaking out. he may have been working his butt off to convince her everything was okay ( that way he could have the two of you), and all of a sudden he wants to leave? If you were in that situation, wouldn't you freak out too? ( b) what do you mean " she is using the kids as weapons"? is she trying to turn them against him ? How do you know this? Or is it more a case of her saying it will be hard on the kids, which, it will. While most kids can get through their parents divorce, it will have at least some kind of effect. © I know this question may sound like one that's always asked on here, but how do you really know if any of what he says is true? He could very well be telling you this o get your sympathy and to get you to feel sorry for him so you'll tolerate bad behavior from him. (d) has he thought about getting some counseling for himself? I know "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always true, but a lot of people chest because it's a way they have learned to deal with a relationship that is going through a rough patch, or they have really poor boundaries. If you want your relationship with him to last, I would suggest that you ask him to get some counseling, as he needs to figure out why he saw cheating as a viable option. (e) it's good that you say you won't move in with him right away...if he really does end his marriage, he will need time on his own to sort himself out. that's his job to do, not yours.
SoMovinOn Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Water... Under any circumstances, divorce is almost always an awful experience. What he's going through right now would be a "typical divorce". Generally, once it's all over, it takes a person about 2 years to get back to "normal". How long the divorce takes and how brutal it gets depends on the people involved. When there are kids involved, it can stay ugly until the kids are all grown and out on their own. The best you can do for him is to do everything possible for *you* to not add more pressure, drama or problems to the situation. 1
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I realize at the moment the wife seems to be most of your problems, bask in that because there are more to come. Infact, MM will soon realize if he hasn't already, that putting the focus on his horrible wife, takes it off of him. He also will become accustom to, as you support him through this, everything being about him! He'll need plenty of support from you to get through this. A strong shoulder to cry on! You who love him so much will give of yourself tirelessly to get to your happy ending. When the clouds clear and things start to lighten up for him, YOU will be a reminder and part of this unpleasant situation. Now he needs space, time to find himself after crawling out of the hole! Which means he starts dating new women who weren't apart of his madness! Read here! This seems to be the typical scenario! One more thought... Regardless of who loves him MOST, you both love the SAME man. He's no better man because of you, nor a worse man because of her. HE IS THE SAME MAN! Tread carefully! Think about what you are getting yourself into, and atleast make an informed decision so that your not back here crying about what an SOB he is for treating YOU poorly. 4
bentnotbroken Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 My MM is finally leaving his wife after 2 years together with me. After many sleepless nights of texting, steamy afternoons, trips away, stolen nights....a relationship full of highs and lows, what to me was the center of my universe, a real, if lonely relationship....I finally told him I couldn't do this anymore and tried to break up with him. Went on a date with another man and happened to run into my MM at the restaurant. After that he begged me to stay with him and said he was going to leave her. 4 months later we are finally at that point. He is actually moving out, his wife is freaking out about it and trying to use the kids as weapons, and found out about all the new furniture he bought. Now his life is crazy as he's trying to move into his other house while trying to make this transition ok for the kids. He's taking it all very well so far and I'm the one that's upset. I'm so angry that his soon to be exwife is trashing him to everyone and using the kids as a guilt trip. She doesn't love him like I do. She doesn't know about me yet believe it or not. I'm scared and happy at the same time.....just so worried he will be hurt by the backlash and feeling very protective of him but can't do anything to help except tell him how much I love him. I can't wait for him to finally move out but she's making this so miserable for everyone that I'm really becoming sick of all this drama. Is there anyone that actually comes through all this ok? "she doesn't love him like you do." And just how do you know that. You have tested her emotions while she is hooked up to a machine that reads the results of her psysiological reactions to the questions of her emotions for Her husband? This statement is arrogant at best and ignorant at it's worst. Ignorance of the hoped for reactions of a woman who has been biotch slapped and does not have all the facts about her life (i.e. knowledge of your existence and the role you played in that slap from hell she got). You know nothing about her for sure. You know what you are told. If you want to know how she feels truly (and I know you don't really want to know or you would not be a secret to her) then go talk to her. Using the kids....you know this how. Of course they are affected by their mothers pain. If you had children when you received the slap from hell. Didn't they know your pain or are you very good at lying about that. A lot of us aren't good at it. And it is my desire never to be. And a backlash to his actions is the least he deserves. I do believe people come out the other end of mess okay. Whether or not you will be one of those.....only time will tell. You know what they say about getting what you wish for. 3
PenelopeTheFaithful Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Is there anyone that actually comes through all this ok? Yes, there are some happy endings on here. Good luck 1
wannabdone Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I kind of have to agree with everyone else, Its a very bold statement to say she doesn't love him like you do. Being that you have been a BS you of all people should understand this a little bit more. She might love him just as much as you do, maybe she loves differently. Maybe her love language and how she loves isn't sufficient for him, but I don't think you can say she doesn't love him like you. I agree that in a "perfect world", we should be able to sit down with people and say... "I just don't love you anymore and I want a d".... and then the other person with a very calm and sincere voice tells us okay and you divide assets, time with children and everything else up reasonably, and are friendly through the process. Unfortunately, being that we are all humans and have these things called emotions, we all act differently. When we are slapped in the face with things, we sometimes act as we usually don't, due to the fact we are hurt, fearful, compeititive, whatever the case is. Those are the things she is feeling right now, so her actions are 1.) not going to be logical, and 2.) trying to defend her life. Our first knee jerk reaction is to make sure there isn't any change....she is trying to preserve her life. Being the OW who blamed the BS as being crazy, and using kids,etc etc....I see how I can not judge her for what she did given that she was slapped in the face with a lot of hurt and embarrassment. I don't care if these BS beat the tar out of the MM/MW everyday of their marriage..... the MM/MW should leave them, and not go off and have an A and do that to someone. If you find yourself falling in love with another person, then realize there is something majorly wrong with you and your M, and either try and fix you and your marriage, or D your spouse and be done. Do not lead people on, and make them think that its one way, when its another. Its not fair to anyone, not fair to the BS and not fair to the children. I am a hopeless romantic that love conquers all. I hope it does for you. But please in the meantime, cut the BS some slack. She didn't deserve this. 3
scatterd Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Originally Posted by waterlove My MM is finally leaving his wife after 2 years together with me. After many sleepless nights of texting, steamy afternoons, trips away, stolen nights....a relationship full of highs and lows, what to me was the center of my universe, a real, if lonely relationship....I finally told him I couldn't do this anymore and tried to break up with him. Went on a date with another man and happened to run into my MM at the restaurant. After that he begged me to stay with him and said he was going to leave her. 4 months later we are finally at that point. He is actually moving out, his wife is freaking out about it and trying to use the kids as weapons, and found out about all the new furniture he bought. Now his life is crazy as he's trying to move into his other house while trying to make this transition ok for the kids. He's taking it all very well so far and I'm the one that's upset. I'm so angry that his soon to be ex wife is trashing him to everyone and using the kids as a guilt trip. She doesn't love him like I do. She doesn't know about me yet believe it or not. I'm scared and happy at the same time.....just so worried he will be hurt by the backlash and feeling very protective of him but can't do anything to help except tell him how much I love him. I can't wait for him to finally move out but she's making this so miserable for everyone that I'm really becoming sick of all this drama. Is there anyone that actually comes through all this ok? You said you tried to break up with MM so did it not happen?I have to wonder why you went on this date and how you ran in to him at the restaurant.After hiding from the wife so long how was it you was seen.Do you really want to be with a man that has treated his wife so poorly.She must have alot of love for him to care that he is leaving. He cheated on his wife what makes you think he wont do this to you when the newness and excitement is over.Will you make it easy for him to leave you for another woman? Have some compassion for his wife and kids this is a hard time for them.I Hope listening to everyone helps you see things clearer. good-luck 1
Thunderbolt Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Wow...talk about jumping down someone's throat and dissecting every word of the very brief paragraph she wrote. Makes me understand why I take breaks from this site periodically. I have a feeling waterlove may not come back here as there seems to be very little positivity or general respect for the poster. Most situations like this don't pan out, but at least stop the personal attacks. For what it's worth waterlove, I was in the same exact situation as you a couple years back. My xMM moved out but returned to his wife and family 3 months later. I was very anxious, insecure and just generally scared of the entire situation. I didn't give him much space to figure everything out. He may have moved back regardless of how I acted -- but my neediness, lack of support and inability to deal with the situation didn't help. If you're looking for advice, I'd suggest stepping away from the situation. Not necessarily break up with him, but provide yourself with a general sense of distance from all heartbreak, sadness and confusion that will be going on with him and his family. Do everything in your power to create and maintain a life of your own. Be there when he needs you but step away when things get difficult for you to deal with. It's not an easy road, but if you take control of yourself, you might be able to navigate through this. I've got to be honest. I was completely devastated when he moved back--worst heartbreak of my life. But, looking back on the situation over 2 years later, I do have a completely different perspective. A tiny part of me is relieved he didn't get D. There are so many obstacles one doesn't think about while in the middle of everything that's going on. You need to think about the difficulties that you'd have to face with his family, wife, kids and friends. For many years to come, the kids will have sporting events, piano recitals, graduations, weddings. The ex and his family will be at the center of all this. There aren't a lot of people who condone affairs and despite you being a good person, this will often times get overlooked. Just some food for thought--not trying to discourage you--just telling it from someone who's been there. If he's worth it to you, then keep moving forward. Just take some time to think about how complicated this will be if it indeed does come to fruition. Good luck -- would love to see a success story down the line. 4
jthorne Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Yes, there are some happy endings on here. Good luck As a supposed betrayed spouse with so few posts, it's interesting that you'd tell an OW that there are happy endings here. 1
wannabdone Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Wow...talk about jumping down someone's throat and dissecting every word of the very brief paragraph she wrote. Makes me understand why I take breaks from this site periodically. I have a feeling waterlove may not come back here as there seems to be very little positivity or general respect for the poster. Most situations like this don't pan out, but at least stop the personal attacks. For what it's worth waterlove, I was in the same exact situation as you a couple years back. My xMM moved out but returned to his wife and family 3 months later. I was very anxious, insecure and just generally scared of the entire situation. I didn't give him much space to figure everything out. He may have moved back regardless of how I acted -- but my neediness, lack of support and inability to deal with the situation didn't help. If you're looking for advice, I'd suggest stepping away from the situation. Not necessarily break up with him, but provide yourself with a general sense of distance from all heartbreak, sadness and confusion that will be going on with him and his family. Do everything in your power to create and maintain a life of your own. Be there when he needs you but step away when things get difficult for you to deal with. It's not an easy road, but if you take control of yourself, you might be able to navigate through this. I've got to be honest. I was completely devastated when he moved back--worst heartbreak of my life. But, looking back on the situation over 2 years later, I do have a completely different perspective. A tiny part of me is relieved he didn't get D. There are so many obstacles one doesn't think about while in the middle of everything that's going on. You need to think about the difficulties that you'd have to face with his family, wife, kids and friends. For many years to come, the kids will have sporting events, piano recitals, graduations, weddings. The ex and his family will be at the center of all this. There aren't a lot of people who condone affairs and despite you being a good person, this will often times get overlooked. Just some food for thought--not trying to discourage you--just telling it from someone who's been there. If he's worth it to you, then keep moving forward. Just take some time to think about how complicated this will be if it indeed does come to fruition. Good luck -- would love to see a success story down the line. Great post TB!! Seems to be a motto of some people to just pick apart every single thing someone says. Freedom of speech is alive and well on here. I just don't understand why there has to be some that simply come on to rip someone to shreads. Guess that is the only way they can deal with their own anger and disappointments in live. However, I agree that to look at the entire thing from logical perspective as much as possible. And it shouldn't be discouraging, just going into something with eyes wide open. I again WL wish you the best. I honestly do. I always hope that love win and that people get to be with the person that God wants them to be. There are times that ppl make mistakes in their lives, and that isn't limited to buying the wrong house or car, we can marry the wrong ppl, and yes have children with them. Sometimes we grow up and realize after that the ppl we are now were not the ppl we were 20+ years ago. It does happen. 1
BrighterWashing Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 I know if my H left me for an OW I would post their affair details (emails, photos, etc) to everyone they know. I would take as much custody as I could and move out of state. I would take as much of our assets as I could. Why? Because he betrayed me and she helped him. They deserve for people to know. I would not share my kids willingly with 2 cheaters- that would be setting them up to grow up to cheat. I would not take the financial hit of a divorce lying down because I didn't deserve the divorce. It's as simple as that. If the wife is NOT doing those things is say she's in denial or something. And she'll regret later and you might face real revenge. Those things are not revenge they're just the consequences of your actions. That's JMO. But for those who have been in th Original Poster's position: what would you honestly do in the wife's position? And what would you want her to do? Of course these are different. 3
MissBee Posted March 13, 2012 Posted March 13, 2012 Love always wins....selfishness, deceit etc have no business in real love IMO and a lot of what I see in these situations look nothing like love. Labeling your own desires and your subsequent "by any means necessary" actions seem unrelated to love IMO....as love is given freely and one need not fight, scheme, strategics or pull the rug out from another for love. If your "love" includes the above...good luck to you. 2
Author waterlove Posted March 17, 2012 Author Posted March 17, 2012 This will be my final post on this site. Ifyou all think that its so wrong of me to fall in love with someone and be glad that he finally left, then why are you even on this site. You all seem incredibly hippocritical. I assume you are on this site because you are or have been in some sort of affair of this nature. What I keep hearing on all my return posts is its horrible to be in a Real relationship with the man I love, that everyone will hate me, and I am an ignorant rose tinted glasses wearing homewrecker that has no empathy or compassion for his wife or his children. So to defend my position, which I'm only doing because you all need to have a reality check yourselves I will tell you a few things about myself and this situation and then I'm through with this blog that is full of bitter people. First of all, I am accused of having no compassion for his wife and that I should because I was the woman being cheated on not too long ago by her own husband. I have plenty of compassion for her, not that you will believe it, but I have been extremely understanding and compassionate for her and the children. I have protected him when it would have been very easy for me to bring my relationship with him to light and end his relationship with her. I have always given him the choice of what to do with his life. And I love him more than she does because I know who and what he is and have accepted him the way he is. She only wants him conditionally. Just because you are married doesn't mean you own another person. As to my ex busband......I didn't leave him, he left me to be with another woman. I actually wasn't angry about it. I was hurt that he turned off his feelings to me. I would have stayed with him, he didn't want to be with me. So I moved on. I maintain a friendship with him to this day. I know what my MM wife feels like, but I love deeper and am less petty than she is. She's angry because she lost face, not because she loves him so much. All of you seem to think that I'm so ignorant of what his relationship with her is really like, and you who have never even met him know so much more than I do.....really? Give me some credit here for knowing a thing or two about a man I've known for 5 years and been in a relationship with for 2 years. I don't like it when women use children as weapons. So all you man haters out there can attack my sentences as much as you want, but deep down you know that men are just as valid a parent as a woman is. As too me trying to jump in and meeting his children I have no intention of even meeting his children until he is divorced, so you can all shut up about that. As to the general assumption that he is playing me...well if that is the case, he's welcome to do whatever he wants with his life, as I don't own or control him. He makes his own decisions. I will always love him whether I am with him as a sexual partner or not. And speaking of some accusations that I forced his hand by being seen with another man, I had no idea he would show up at the restaurant, I live in a smaller town and just happened to be at the same restaurant. Noting even happened with the other guy anyway. I just couldn't continue indefinitely in limbo. It didn't mean I loved my man any less, I just had to see what it would feel like to just talk to someone else, and I even "broke up " with my man before I even talked to another guy. I was still friends though. I would never take that away. When I love, I love the whole person. When he actually moved out I was surprised. I wasn't putting pressure on him as you all suppose. I accepted that I loved a married man and just decided to wait and see what happened. Am I glad he left, yes. Because he was living a fake life, and I know I will get attacked for this since you all seem to think that I am some souless idiot , I didn't think it was fair to his wife, or to me. I was wlling to accept the status quo though. He wasn't. He wanted out and to be able to live his life the way he wants. If it includes me I will be lucky. If he chooses to "cheat" on me as you all seem so sure of, that will be his choice and one that I will not live in fear of. As to your accusations that I better be braced for some drama, I am. I was a little freaked out at first but came on this site for support and all I got was attacked. So if you are right abou what I have to look foward to I can take it because I have been through more in my life than you could ever know. Because you don't know me. Or him. So before you are so quick to jump down someones throat for just saying their mind why dont you take your own advice and show some compassion.....especially since you are all on this site for a reason. As to seeing a counselor, I have, as he has as well. He isn't some monster as you all are insinuating. He's a human being. With faults and strengths that I know and love. 4
bentnotbroken Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 This will be my final post on this site. Ifyou all think that its so wrong of me to fall in love with someone and be glad that he finally left, then why are you even on this site. You all seem incredibly hippocritical. I assume you are on this site because you are or have been in some sort of affair of this nature. What I keep hearing on all my return posts is its horrible to be in a Real relationship with the man I love, that everyone will hate me, and I am an ignorant rose tinted glasses wearing homewrecker that has no empathy or compassion for his wife or his children. So to defend my position, which I'm only doing because you all need to have a reality check yourselves I will tell you a few things about myself and this situation and then I'm through with this blog that is full of bitter people. First of all, I am accused of having no compassion for his wife and that I should because I was the woman being cheated on not too long ago by her own husband. I have plenty of compassion for her, not that you will believe it, but I have been extremely understanding and compassionate for her and the children. I have protected him when it would have been very easy for me to bring my relationship with him to light and end his relationship with her. I have always given him the choice of what to do with his life. And I love him more than she does because I know who and what he is and have accepted him the way he is. She only wants him conditionally. Just because you are married doesn't mean you own another person. As to my ex busband......I didn't leave him, he left me to be with another woman. I actually wasn't angry about it. I was hurt that he turned off his feelings to me. I would have stayed with him, he didn't want to be with me. So I moved on. I maintain a friendship with him to this day. I know what my MM wife feels like, but I love deeper and am less petty than she is. She's angry because she lost face, not because she loves him so much. All of you seem to think that I'm so ignorant of what his relationship with her is really like, and you who have never even met him know so much more than I do.....really? Give me some credit here for knowing a thing or two about a man I've known for 5 years and been in a relationship with for 2 years. I don't like it when women use children as weapons. So all you man haters out there can attack my sentences as much as you want, but deep down you know that men are just as valid a parent as a woman is. As too me trying to jump in and meeting his children I have no intention of even meeting his children until he is divorced, so you can all shut up about that. As to the general assumption that he is playing me...well if that is the case, he's welcome to do whatever he wants with his life, as I don't own or control him. He makes his own decisions. I will always love him whether I am with him as a sexual partner or not. And speaking of some accusations that I forced his hand by being seen with another man, I had no idea he would show up at the restaurant, I live in a smaller town and just happened to be at the same restaurant. Noting even happened with the other guy anyway. I just couldn't continue indefinitely in limbo. It didn't mean I loved my man any less, I just had to see what it would feel like to just talk to someone else, and I even "broke up " with my man before I even talked to another guy. I was still friends though. I would never take that away. When I love, I love the whole person. When he actually moved out I was surprised. I wasn't putting pressure on him as you all suppose. I accepted that I loved a married man and just decided to wait and see what happened. Am I glad he left, yes. Because he was living a fake life, and I know I will get attacked for this since you all seem to think that I am some souless idiot , I didn't think it was fair to his wife, or to me. I was wlling to accept the status quo though. He wasn't. He wanted out and to be able to live his life the way he wants. If it includes me I will be lucky. If he chooses to "cheat" on me as you all seem so sure of, that will be his choice and one that I will not live in fear of. As to your accusations that I better be braced for some drama, I am. I was a little freaked out at first but came on this site for support and all I got was attacked. So if you are right abou what I have to look foward to I can take it because I have been through more in my life than you could ever know. Because you don't know me. Or him. So before you are so quick to jump down someones throat for just saying their mind why dont you take your own advice and show some compassion.....especially since you are all on this site for a reason. As to seeing a counselor, I have, as he has as well. He isn't some monster as you all are insinuating. He's a human being. With faults and strengths that I know and love. I think you meant hypocritical.
sad puppy Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 So sorry you were attacked by bitter bitter folks, one in particular. It's her full time job here on LS. God, she's a vicious one. Such a bitter, angry person. I get where you're coming from, and of course, you know way more about the details than anyone here. The Bitter Brigade just loves to pounce with their know nothing comments about "your situation". As annoying as they are, just ignore them. They clearly have unresolved issues about THEIR cheating spouse, it's quite evident. Some, like Frozen, are quite kind and helpful. Most here are good eggs. I wish you well, it's a challenging journey, even when they move out, proceed with mediation, ... As mine did. Protect yourself and don't get too far ahead of yourself. Everyone in the situation, including the BS and kids are walking their own journey. All consideration must be made with the kids first. You sound like you've got a healthy attitude and are realistic about what's happening, ie, not planning to meet the kids or live together anytime soon. Very good. Live changes, people change. PM if you like. My situation is a bit similar. Mine has already moved out, I've distanced myself for the time being to allow him his space for IC, mediation, ... Time will tell, but it's never a walk in park. Bottom line, yep, this is how some great relationships actually begin. But it's tough. Good luck! 2
Stellar Wench Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 (edited) I don't comprehend the negativity either. I hope you are very happy together. You two deserve each other! Edited March 17, 2012 by Stellar Wench Corrected Grammar
NoIDidn't Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 For what it's worth waterlove, I was in the same exact situation as you a couple years back. My xMM moved out but returned to his wife and family 3 months later. I was very anxious, insecure and just generally scared of the entire situation. I didn't give him much space to figure everything out. He may have moved back regardless of how I acted -- but my neediness, lack of support and inability to deal with the situation didn't help. If you're looking for advice, I'd suggest stepping away from the situation. Not necessarily break up with him, but provide yourself with a general sense of distance from all heartbreak, sadness and confusion that will be going on with him and his family. Do everything in your power to create and maintain a life of your own. Be there when he needs you but step away when things get difficult for you to deal with. It's not an easy road, but if you take control of yourself, you might be able to navigate through this. THIS! This is exactly why jumping from affair to regular relationship is so hard. If this was a regular relationship that was transitioning to something more committed, there would be no recommendation to distance yourself from him in his time of need. The relationship wouldn't be all about him and what he needs you to be. This is why these relationships only work out about 5% of the time.
jwi71 Posted March 17, 2012 Posted March 17, 2012 This will be my final post on this site. I think if you stay you might benefit greatly from those of us who are many years down the road from where you are now. There is some really great wisdom and advice available to you should you chose to receive it. You all seem incredibly hippocritical. I assume you are on this site because you are or have been in some sort of affair of this nature. Mistake number one was to assume. Not everyone on LS has been involved in an A. In any case, whether one has experienced an A or not has zero bearing on the quality of the advice dispensed. That is akin to refusing to allowing a heart surgeon to give one a bypass because he/she has not had one him or herself. One has NOTHING to do with the other. What I keep hearing on all my return posts is its horrible to be in a Real relationship with the man I love, that everyone will hate me, and I am an ignorant rose tinted glasses wearing homewrecker that has no empathy or compassion for his wife or his children Huh? I read this thread. Twice even. Not seeing this. What I see, as a third party viewer who knows only what is posted, is LS posters, some many years farther down the road in terms of an A than yourself, offering their ADVICE and hard-learned LESSONS based on their experiences. No one is calling you names. Rather, pointing out future pitfalls you WILL encounter. How is it hateful (bitter) to say "The storm is only just brewing, get ready"? Do you TRULY think his W will welcome YOU with open arms? You DO realize you WILL interact with her. Frequently. You surely know you will DEAL WITH his xW's family right? Do you imagine his W and HER family will accommodate you? What about HIS family? Will they be as accepting of this? Do they know you? Have you met them? His kids? You must realize they WILL learn the truth at some point. What steps are you and your MM taking in regards to that? THIS is what was posted. But what YOU SEE is attack. You are being overly-sensitive and VERY defensive. And that's ok...its par for the course. Seen it here a hundred times. One other thing...if you can't handle this level of so-called heat on the internet from faceless strangers, what are you going to do when the families involved truly turn up the heat on YOU? So to defend my position, which I'm only doing because you all need to have a reality check yourselves I will tell you a few things about myself and this situation and then I'm through with this blog that is full of bitter people. You don't need to defend yourself here or to us. We are random, faceless internet strangers and you owe us none. Save that for his xW and the extended families. And the fact that you feel a need to defend yourself is very telling isn't it? Please re-evaluate your next steps in regards to your MM. I'm not sure YOU are ready for what IS coming. Just because you were "normal" when your H left you doesn't mean HIS W will be. In fact, you have already alluded to her crazy - and she doesn't even know the full truth yet. First of all, I am accused of having no compassion for his wife and that I should because I was the woman being cheated on not too long ago by her own husband. I have plenty of compassion for her, not that you will believe it, but I have been extremely understanding and compassionate for her and the children. What matters is if SHE believes it. And yes it matters, you'll be dealing with her and her family FOREVER. I have protected him when it would have been very easy for me to bring my relationship with him to light and end his relationship with her. I have always given him the choice of what to do with his life. And I love him more than she does because I know who and what he is and have accepted him the way he is. This is highly unlikely. Clearly your xH surprised YOU with his A and then leaving you. IF you could not foresee that aspect of his personality then, its is not likely you are doing so now. I live with GF...and I am still surprised at times. You are again being defensive and lashing out. She only wants him conditionally. Just because you are married doesn't mean you own another person. This is true of everyone. I love my GF. Deeply. Madly. And conditionally. She cheats, she is gone. The condition is fidelity. Unless you are saying that your MM can be with you as a W and with other women as well...is that it? Once married to him he is free to have sexual intercourse with others? If not, then YOU also have conditions. I know what my MM wife feels like, but I love deeper and am less petty than she is. She's angry because she lost face, not because she loves him so much. All of you seem to think that I'm so ignorant of what his relationship with her is really like, and you who have never even met him know so much more than I do.....really? Unless you have significant first hand experience with how they interact you also cannot know this of THEIR M. That is the point trying to be made to you. I'll draw a parallel to your xH's A...how accurate was his OW's knowledge of YOUR M? Give me some credit here for knowing a thing or two about a man I've known for 5 years and been in a relationship with for 2 years. I don't like it when women use children as weapons. Well, you are new so I'll cut you some slack. You'd be surprised at how quickly LS comes to agreement with you in this. Which begs the question...HOW is she using them as weapons? And HOW do you know? I just couldn't continue indefinitely in limbo That's the number one reason people come here. This also suggests that the limbo is over and he is filing for D. DO you happen to know the name of his lawyer? Or has he simply moved out and not filed any legal paperwork? Not an attack...pointing out that moving out and not filing means still M. As to your accusations that I better be braced for some drama, I am. I was a little freaked out at first but came on this site for support and all I got was attacked What you aren't seeing is you WERE supported. What did you think you would hear? You seem overly-sensitive and very defensive. Take a deep breath, count to ten and relax. I hope you stay but if not good luck.
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