Need from other men/women.... married and in love with someone married

[foundmysoulmate]

To make a long story short, I am married to my husband we have 2 kids but are more like roommates than passionate lovers. We married because of kids and tried for 14+ years to make the best of things but there is a lot of pain in our history. I have met my soulmate. I have never felt the way I do about another person like the way I feel about this man, I mean we click in every way. We started out thinking that maybe it would be a FWB thing but he told me he loved me before we slept together. He is also married with kids that are a little bit younger than mine. I, because of the pain in the past am very willing to divorce tomorrow but can not be on my own financially. He is trying to stay for the kids until they are older. We have been away for weekends, many afternoon hotel trips, one night overnights, he has met my friends, he has been to my house when no one is there... sigh...

 

I guess I need advice.. for those of you others... Will he ever leave her? His issue is more of a growing apart situation rather than pain and a very low sex marriage. I want to be with him more than anyone I have ever met.

 

You know how there is always something that you have to overlook in a person, something that ticks you off, I have been looking for it in him and can't find it, well except the fact that he is married.

 

We have plans for our spouses to know that we are friends so if we are seen together it is not a big deal, has anyone done this successfully?

 

Has anyone been in this situation and it worked out that you two divorced and got married?

I know he loves me unconditionally and completely, and sees me as his soul mate....

 

Has anyone convinced their other to divorce? how did it turn out for you? I am so overwhelmed with emotion, part of me keeps thinking I want our spouses to find out, get pissed and leave so we can be together....

 

Please help!!!!!

[wheelwright]

What will be will be.

 

Enjoy what you can, be real, and don't ever be a coward.

 

Be honest.

 

Don't walk away from yourself for other's needs or pain, but have compassion.

 

Feel your life.

 

And most importantly, think more about what you are doing than what he is.

[Star_Bright]

Hi, my advice is to leave your marriage for yourself, not your MM, because there is no guarantee he will also leave his marriage, in fact odds are against that happening.

 

As far as not being able to be on your own financially... why do you say this? Your husband will have to pay child support if you have physical custody of the kids the majority of the time. All assets will be split equally/fairly. IMHO money is a stupid reason to stay with someone, I say go for happiness and your freedom (which should not be dependent on what MM does or doesn't do... just what you really want to do). If you are truly dissatisfied with your marriage and you don't see any hope in working it out, then I say leave, because otherwise you will just continue to be unhappy and I can't imagine it not making your husband unhappy too.

 

Good luck to you. (And no you can't convince someone else to get divorced -- they have to really want to do it in order to do it. Or else if you do manage to "convince" them and they weren't really ready on their own, they will probably harbor resentment towards you for making them do something they didn't want to do... all of which sounds very weak to me... so do what you need to do on your own and let MM do what he needs to do on his own; all you can do is express your wishes of wanting to be in a real relationship with him, and see what if anything he chooses to do about it.)

[Circular]

Your going to get a big mix of responses, some harsh some more supportive, just be prepared.

 

How long have you been in this relationship?

 

We have plans for our spouses to know that we are friends so if we are seen together it is not a big deal, has anyone done this successfully?

This sounds like a bad idea, bad bad... Because it'll be the tip-off for both spouses that's something is amiss. The "We're just friends" path is the harbinger of dday. You might find yourself kicked-out and with no finances to support yourself at the same time.

 

If you would 'divorce tomorrow' it's in eveyone's best interest that you follow that path as it doesn't sound like your on-the-fence but actually are quite sure of that. I see you mention finances as a big issue. Could you not separate to begin? Are finances an issue because you're not working yourself? Or is the total family income to low to afford an apartment on top of the primary expenses?

 

Yes, there are some folks that have gotten divorces and married and are happy, but I'll be honest they are few and far between it is the exception not the norm.

 

Honestly, on the scale of emotionally stressful things, divorce ranks near the top. You'd be much better off taking a break from your MM and starting the process of divorce. You're going to have to properly grieve the loss of your marriage, maybe not your spouse, but probably how it didn't come to fruition as you initially expected. I would give that six months or so. Then, at that point your MM is going to have to figure out what he's going to do (if he hasnt done anything already) and you're going to need to decide what course of action to take. He might decide not to leave his wife. If he does, go to couples therapy and spend time resolving the potential trust issues that were created by cheating on your spouses.

 

Take good care of yourself, be resilient and don't pin all your hopes on your MM - If he's as great as you make him out to be then he'll do the right thing as well. The operative word here is 'right' thing, you've like many of us did this the wrong way but now you can do it the right way and stand up for yourself and what you want.

[sclarkbrown2000]

Well i would like to tell you i been married for 20 years to one good man at a young age i was 18 years old when i got married bad thing to do i was happy at first because i didn't know anything about life, but i grow up and grow from my spouse but before that i think he cheated on me are tried to cheat on me . So that really hurt me and things change from there. I'm know away from my spouse know. I have been in relationship since i have been married and know I'm In Love With a Married Man that i feel love me but have a lot to lose to be with me. Sometime i feel lost and don't really know if I'm going are coming. This man is my soulmate from the time I meet him 9years ago.He support me and Love me I really feel this but why will this man not leave his wife to be with me pleas help me I'm really stress out please tell me something .

[foundmysoulmate]

WW, SB and C thanks!! I know I will get some mixed replies. Financially we were in a better place when I had a different job, I was once the breadwinner and now do not even cover a third of what I once made. I am looking for a job but times are tough. We have been together for about 9 months. Our thought of being friends is to actually get spouses to know each other so that we can spend more time together. Not to be ostentatious but he and I both have very high IQ's and and our spouses are a bit more on the average side, we are able to hide things quite well. Ex. my husband is so excited to meet this person that I was once friends with and his spouse can't wait to meet me and thinks I sound fun and "will be a great new friend" I feel bad to be deceiving spouses but it is him that I love. We had planned out a timeline for divorce day but decided that pinning a date on it was too stressful. I know it seems like a short time but I feel loved, respected, valued, desired, appreciated, intellectually stimulated... etc etc It is amazing how much we have in common we can even quote the same obscure tv series (The Young Ones) and have the same odd collections of music and movies. We have read and enjoyed all the same books (before we met), and are both geeks. I could never have imagined that someone would be this perfectly suited for me. Sigh

[fooled once]

Why not just tell your spouse you are unhappy and there is no hope for the marriage and you want a divorce?

 

If you aren't willing to do that, and at least give you a chance to find someone to make you happy, then I guess you will just continue the cycle you are in -- sneaking away when possible. What is going to happen when your kids find out? Where do your kids/spouse think you are when you go away for a weekend? Isn't it a lot more work to sneak around and lie than to just be honest with him about it all?

 

And no, you cannot force or convince someone else to get a divorce. I believe if he loves you like he says, he would want to be with you. I also do not believe you can love another person (except a child) unconditionally; because I doubt you would love him if he beat you, abused you or cheated on you

 

Sounds to me like you are looking for this MM to make you happy and without that, you are not a very happy person. You have to love yourself and be happy with yourself before you can really love another person. I don't personally believe in "soul mates" or nor do I believe another person can "complete you".

 

I believe as time goes by, you are going to become more and more antsy for this guy to leave his marriage and you are going to get more and more needy and dependent on him. That isn't good for you.

 

As for not being able to support yourself financially, I would strongly suggest you get to where you could support yourself financially. I don't believe any person should be financially dependent upon another person; as it gives them control of you and we (general we) should rely on ourselves and be in charge of our own lives and have self control.

 

You either have to accept that this is the way things are going to be for years (or forever) or leave the relationship. You can't make another person do anything.

 

Do I believe that one day he will leave? No. You say he stays because his kids are young - well, what age is it okay for him to decide to leave? 18? 21? To me, it is silly to tie a child's age to such a huge decision. Either he wants to be with you or not. Frankly, I think he is a coward to be cheating on his spouse. You also say he doesn't have a sexless marriage (or something like that). So you are okay with him having sex with his wife? Or does he just tell you that he doesn't? For your sanity, you need to sit back and accept the role you have in his life. It is going to drive you crazy to think of him having date nights with his wife, having family nights, going on vacation or even him and his wife having passionate moments.

 

Good luck!

[foundmysoulmate]

We have been focused on trying to keep up the illusion for our spouses. I have been with my husband a few time since we have been together but it does not feel right. (he has felt jealous when I have) and he has been with his wife, although also about 4 times since we have been together (and yes I am jealous) but we are both trying to stay and keep normalcy for our kids as long as possible. I don't want my kids or his to have to sacrifice their extra curricular activities and sports due to conflicting work schedules etc. It is hard because there are kids involved. When we go away, I am off with friends and he is away on business. We have covered our tracks well, but again we go out often and have dinner often and have been many places where we could be noticed and have decided to deal with things that come up rather than living in fear. (hence the let's get our spouses to know eachother thing) we have orchestrated our stories well and have all the same background info for our spouses so if they start talking there will be nothing to question

[Star_Bright]

WW, SB and C thanks!! I know I will get some mixed replies. Financially we were in a better place when I had a different job, I was once the breadwinner and now do not even cover a third of what I once made. I am looking for a job but times are tough. We have been together for about 9 months. Our thought of being friends is to actually get spouses to know each other so that we can spend more time together. Not to be ostentatious but he and I both have very high IQ's and and our spouses are a bit more on the average side, we are able to hide things quite well. Ex. my husband is so excited to meet this person that I was once friends with and his spouse can't wait to meet me and thinks I sound fun and "will be a great new friend" I feel bad to be deceiving spouses but it is him that I love. We had planned out a timeline for divorce day but decided that pinning a date on it was too stressful. I know it seems like a short time but I feel loved, respected, valued, desired, appreciated, intellectually stimulated... etc etc It is amazing how much we have in common we can even quote the same obscure tv series (The Young Ones) and have the same odd collections of music and movies. We have read and enjoyed all the same books (before we met), and are both geeks. I could never have imagined that someone would be this perfectly suited for me. Sigh

 

 

Ugh... you do not want to live with this kind of deceit, it will ruin you. Ex MM and I carried on an A right under his wife's nose, we all worked together, and at the time it seemed like the perfect A because we had reasons to be together (work) and I guess we also enjoyed the thrill of it and like you I made excuses like, she's not nearly as smart as we are, she won't find out. Well now I look back and feel horribly guilty... that is a horrible thing to do to someone. How could he do that to someone he loved and was married to for a long time (and why wouldn't he later be able to do it to me??) and how could I have bent so low as to help him do it and even justify and enjoy it? It starts to break you down and sicken you.

 

Look, honesty is always the best policy. Just be honest with your husband and leave him if you are not in love with him and can't treat him right. That's my advice -- keep your conscience and dignity intact, I wish I had!

[woinlove]

Our thought of being friends is to actually get spouses to know each other so that we can spend more time together. Not to be ostentatious but he and I both have very high IQ's and and our spouses are a bit more on the average side, we are able to hide things quite well. Ex. my husband is so excited to meet this person that I was once friends with and his spouse can't wait to meet me and thinks I sound fun and "will be a great new friend" I feel bad to be deceiving spouses but it is him that I love. We had planned out a timeline for divorce day but decided that pinning a date on it was too stressful. I know it seems like a short time but I feel loved, respected, valued, desired, appreciated, intellectually stimulated... etc etc It is amazing how much we have in common we can even quote the same obscure tv series (The Young Ones) and have the same odd collections of music and movies. We have read and enjoyed all the same books (before we met), and are both geeks. I could never have imagined that someone would be this perfectly suited for me. Sigh

 

It will be interesting to see if anyone has tried what you propose - to introduce each other to your spouses as friends so that you can spend time together. I've never cheated on anyone I've been with, but I have been an OW a few times and would never have allowed any MM to introduce me to his W under false pretences.

 

A's require deceit, but isn't that particularly cruel? You are planning to leave them anyway, and behaving like that could erode your sense of self-worth later when your love is less new, unless you both are very good at suppressing such things about yourselves. You are already going to have baggage about how you treated others that you will carry into your relationship, and I think it would be to your benefit to think in terms of minimizing that baggage, rather than increasing it, no matter how stupid you think your spouses are.

[woinlove]

Ugh... you do not want to live with this kind of deceit, it will ruin you. Ex MM and I carried on an A right under his wife's nose, we all worked together, and at the time it seemed like the perfect A because we had reasons to be together (work) and I guess we also enjoyed the thrill of it and like you I made excuses like, she's not nearly as smart as we are, she won't find out. Well now I look back and feel horribly guilty... that is a horrible thing to do to someone. How could he do that to someone he loved and was married to for a long time (and why wouldn't he later be able to do it to me??) and how could I have bent so low as to help him do it and even justify and enjoy it? It starts to break you down and sicken you.

 

Look, honesty is always the best policy. Just be honest with your husband and leave him if you are not in love with him and can't treat him right. That's my advice -- keep your conscience and dignity intact, I wish I had!

 

I posted before seeing your response and it's good to hear it from someone who has lived it. I just couldn't imagine myself behaving like that, even though I had a thing for MM. It's sad to read of people actually plotting such behavior and attributing it to "love", never mind people old enough to have children and be married more than a decade. Makes me wonder if this is a real post. If it is, I hope none of the children are old enough to figure out what is going on. Teens sometimes figure it out well before the BS (whether of high or ordinary intelligence) since they may not have the cloud of trust so many spouses have.

 

Soulmate, are you planning to bring the various children together as well in this "friends" scheme or will you try to keep it just among the parents?

[Minnie09]

Introducing your AP to your spouse as a friend is utterly disgusting. It's the most disrespectful thing I've ever heard. No matter how unintelligent you think your spouses are, have some respect for them. It's bad enough to start an A in the first place, but actually planning on getting everybody together under the same roof and pretending everything is oh so innocent is a crazy plan. It will backfire, too.

Even if they're dumb, which I doubt (they just have trust in you, as every loving spouse should have), they will for sure have some sort of a gut feeling or a healthy instinct that tells them something is off.

Trust me in that one. Honesty goes a long way.

[foundmysoulmate]

Thanks again for all the comments, It is not the ideal situation. I agree with that but the "friends" thing we are thinking will work because there is nothing saying that the A couldn't have happened 2 years from now or 6 months from now or even 10 years from now. I hate that I am lying to my H, but timing is not right for me to leave. He's a great dad and it is best for him to be in the house with the kids, my kids know there has been pain in our relationship but his are blissfully oblivious. My therapist (who knows my H, kids and almost all of H's family) suggested staying as long as I can for the kids and waiting until they are a bit more mature, his exact words were "live your life for you. That doesn't mean you do not make sacrifices for someone, but make it your choice. Do what you need to be happy, but the longer you stay married and it is a peaceful, respectful household the better it is for the kids."

[bentnotbroken]

To make a long story short, I am married to my husband we have 2 kids but are more like roommates than passionate lovers. We married because of kids and tried for 14+ years to make the best of things but there is a lot of pain in our history. I have met my soulmate. I have never felt the way I do about another person like the way I feel about this man, I mean we click in every way. We started out thinking that maybe it would be a FWB thing but he told me he loved me before we slept together. He is also married with kids that are a little bit younger than mine. I, because of the pain in the past am very willing to divorce tomorrow but can not be on my own financially. He is trying to stay for the kids until they are older. We have been away for weekends, many afternoon hotel trips, one night overnights, he has met my friends, he has been to my house when no one is there... sigh...

 

I guess I need advice.. for those of you others... Will he ever leave her? His issue is more of a growing apart situation rather than pain and a very low sex marriage. I want to be with him more than anyone I have ever met.

 

You know how there is always something that you have to overlook in a person, something that ticks you off, I have been looking for it in him and can't find it, well except the fact that he is married.

We have plans for our spouses to know that we are friends so if we are seen together it is not a big deal, has anyone done this successfully?

 

Has anyone been in this situation and it worked out that you two divorced and got married?

I know he loves me unconditionally and completely, and sees me as his soul mate....

 

Has anyone convinced their other to divorce? how did it turn out for you? I am so overwhelmed with emotion, part of me keeps thinking I want our spouses to find out, get pissed and leave so we can be together....

 

Please help!!!!!

 

So your aren't only planning to lie, you are planning to gas light your spouses as well? Would you be okay if someone did this to you?

[Minnie09]

Therapists usually don't come up with pre-fabricated advice, unless you as their client give them a subconscious hint about your own mindset, or about the direction you want to choose. They just lead and guide you, but never convince you. But I understand where you're coming from. Your AP is not ready to commit to you. You're not brave enough to commit to him. And the kids are a convenient excuse. That's not uncommon. It's actually the standard approach. And until reality kicks in and you get busted, nothing will change. And that's okay. I think you're not ready for a reality check yet. I understand why. Because it has worked for both of you. The A is ongoing, nobody has been hurt yet, no dday, no tough decisions to make yet.

I am worried, though, that you might feel too safe, get carried away and get busted. And then what? The one tough decision will be inevitable. I wish you all the best, and strong nerves.

[hardshipfamily]

hi,

this happen to me and my now bf, we actually became friends first...we talked about life for about two years...then one day we started an affair....

realized what that we wanted to be with each other...both married..i knew my marriage was over even before we started an affair and his was over years ago as well...i stayed do to financial issues and he stayed for the kids...

 

then we ran into each other when he was with his family and i with mine...it wait off ok...but the kicker was after he left his wife/family

everything fall apart...ex wife finally clued in that we were introduced before

all i can say dont meet

and

dont stay with ur current spouses...longer u stay the worse it is

[foundmysoulmate]

We have flip flopped a bit, there are so many days that I just want to blurt it out and stop living a lie but overall I want my forever with him. It does stink that our spouses are just nice people. I think this is going to come out of the blue and blindside them, and I am going back and forth with what will hurt less. sigh.... I wish there was a win-win solution for everyone....

[woinlove]

We have flip flopped a bit, there are so many days that I just want to blurt it out and stop living a lie but overall I want my forever with him. It does stink that our spouses are just nice people. I think this is going to come out of the blue and blindside them, and I am going back and forth with what will hurt less. sigh.... I wish there was a win-win solution for everyone....

 

I think you know the answers. You know your spouses will hurt less the sooner you are honest with them.

 

But, as you say, you want your forever with the OM and you are balancing those two, hurting your H less against getting forever with your OM. Your plan to pass OM off as a friend shows that hurting your H less is not getting much weight in that balance. Getting your forever with the OM is not everything. You can do it in such a way that you both will be so broken that you won't feel like you deserve anyone except each other and that will hang over you. Put some thought into how you might end up with the OM and still maintain some self-respect by knowing that you did give at least some weight to how you treated your family to get what you want.

 

Perhaps you have been thinking about this, but it certainly isn't coming through in your posts. Your post about how you can get away with in-your-face deception because your spouses are so clueless (unlike you and your soul mate with your high intelligence) suggest you have a long way to go to displaying any balance or compassion toward your families. Unless you really are heartless people and stay that way forever, that is going to come back to you.

[joey66]

I would just say that nine months (is that what I read?) isn't such a long time.

 

Good luck.

[woddah]

One thing I would think about before going too far with the whole "friends" thing. What if the spouses, who are so excited to meet your new friends want to start doing things, all together. How will you or he feel, seeing each other with their own spouse for these extended periods? You are already jealous of what you don't see, now you'll be seeing them holding hands or even just being together vs the 2 of you being next to one another while out.

[Owl]

My wife tried what you're suggesting. Interestingly enough, at around the same point in our marriage, and we had 4 teens living in the house at the time.

 

She introduced OM to me onine via an MMORPG that we all played (and how she met him). She made arrangements for he and I to talk quite a bit in game, went out of her way to try to create a connection between the two of us so that I'd feel more comfortable with her interactions with him. All the while pursuing an emotional affair with him.

 

Didn't work so well for them in the end.

 

It didn't take me long to catch on...took me a few days to get the "proof" once I finally had undeniable evidence that they were trying to hide something from me...and d-day occurred. Way before they were ready for it to.

 

Here's my advice to you...similar to what you've heard from others already.

 

If you're not happy in your marriage...fix it, or end it.

 

Do that WITHOUT bringing OM into the picture.

 

Infidelity is just going to create far more complications than you're anticipating.

 

Do the right thing...deal with the marriage first...break off contact with MOM until you both have done so....THEN see where things might lead.

[bestplayer]

We have flip flopped a bit, there are so many days that I just want to blurt it out and stop living a lie but overall I want my forever with him. It does stink that our spouses are just nice people. I think this is going to come out of the blue and blindside them, and I am going back and forth with what will hurt less. sigh.... I wish there was a win-win solution for everyone....

 

I think you & your MM should be happy that your spouses are nice people because generally nice people are easy to be fooled & I am sure you already know this too .

So I guess once your spouses know each others you & ap should be getting ample opopurtunities to meet inside the house for your fun . Not a bad idea .

[greengoddess]

WW, SB and C thanks!! I know I will get some mixed replies. Financially we were in a better place when I had a different job, I was once the breadwinner and now do not even cover a third of what I once made. I am looking for a job but times are tough. We have been together for about 9 months. Our thought of being friends is to actually get spouses to know each other so that we can spend more time together. Not to be ostentatious but he and I both have very high IQ's and and our spouses are a bit more on the average side, we are able to hide things quite well. Ex. my husband is so excited to meet this person that I was once friends with and his spouse can't wait to meet me and thinks I sound fun and "will be a great new friend" I feel bad to be deceiving spouses but it is him that I love. We had planned out a timeline for divorce day but decided that pinning a date on it was too stressful. I know it seems like a short time but I feel loved, respected, valued, desired, appreciated, intellectually stimulated... etc etc It is amazing how much we have in common we can even quote the same obscure tv series (The Young Ones) and have the same odd collections of music and movies. We have read and enjoyed all the same books (before we met), and are both geeks. I could never have imagined that someone would be this perfectly suited for me. Sigh

 

 

This has got to be one of the cruelest most heartless posts I have ever read. It makes me sick the level of deception you are willing to go to.

[woinlove]

This has got to be one of the cruelest most heartless posts I have ever read. It makes me sick the level of deception you are willing to go to.

 

It does read like some over the top parody. Maybe this is fiction. Difficult to understand if it is real.

[secretlady76]

I have to say the idea of the two families getting together for social activities just so you two can spend time together is probably the worst idea I've ever heard. It seems so mean for your spouses and worst still, you children. It will all end in tears.

 

and I hate to say it but I think there is little chance that your AP will leave his wife for you.