MM is too persistent, yet cheap

[nextel]

I dont know how to proceed with this.....

 

I have known him for a while and got on well, but what bothered me was his inconsideration sometimes.

 

He has a good life. He lives well, nice house, not struggling, nice car, makes plenty of money etc etc. Me on the other, struggling, car is making it, live in an apartment, make little money etc etc.

 

When I dealt with him a year ago, prior to him moving away from the area: He would want me to drive to him (sometimes 2 hours away), but he never bothered to offer to pay for my gas or anything. He would never call me to even find out if I made it safe and the only times we really communicated was when he was ready to "get some". This type of interaction with him really depressed me and I felt that I was better off alone because he was not doing anything for me. I even told him once that I could not rely on him to do anything for me, not even if I was to have a flat tire. I started to feel as though I was better off being with a single man, because at least he would be able to come and change my tire if I needed him. There were certain things I needed done, but he could not do them because he was either working, or with the W. When we saw each other, it was for "entertainment". So when he moved away, it was really a breather. I felt relieved.

 

Well, now he is back and he is being persistent. Really persistent. I dont have anyone in my life but, dealing with him is emotionally stressful because he wont do anything for me. I would be giving him alot more. I understand that the "Entertainment" is mutually beneficial, but I can get that anytime I want and not necessarily from him. He is not able to be there for me in the manner I would like a man to be there for me. Even if we were to see each other every now and again, I would expect him to help me out financially but he has not been forthcoming with that and I have not asked either. He knows and sees that I am struggling. My life is just beginning therefore, I cannot afford alot of the things. My budget is very limited but he does not seem to really look at things in that way.

 

So, he has been trying to see me and I have not been receptive. Last week, he took me to dinner (1st time ever) and then after dinner he wanted me to go with him. He begged and begged and I refused. Finally I had to come up with the ultimate lie......I have my period. So he did not force the issue. Saturday he called me and wanted me to go and spend sometime with him (just talk, according to him), but I told him that I was spending time with my sister. He tried to get me out of it, and I told him that, that was an impossible mission because I was spending time with my sister. Today, he calls and asks me to go and spend time with him, I said I could not because I was going to my g/f house and spend time with my g/f and her daughter. He asked if he could come and I said no. He asked if he could see me later and I said no, because it would be late and I needed to prepare for the next day. I said perhaps another time. He said ok, and we said our good night.

 

Now I know this does not sound like alot, but he is certainly expecting things to continue from where they left off a year ago and I feel that, that cannot happen. He has to offer me more than just occassional sex.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I dont feel guilty for not being receptive towards him because at the end of the day, after he sleeps with me, he will not take me into consideration on any level. What is the best way to approach this? Do I just let him know how I felt about our previous interaction or do I let him figure it out until he realizes on his own that he needs to offer me more than what he had been? I am a year older and my needs have changed too.

 

Any input would be appreciated.

[SetMeFree]

Well, since he has already demonstrated the last time that he was in your life that he was only around in order to "get some", do you really think he's changed? I don't think he has. You have to decide what you want. You said that there's no one in your life right now, but that certainly doesn't mean that you have to settle for this guy! Personally, if I had a choice between being alone and this guy, I'd be quite happy to be alone.

 

Anyway, the best way to approach this depends on what you're wanting to do. Hopefully, you want to kick this guy to the curb. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly sure you know what you want (I wish you wanted to kick him to the curb!) because you're sending him mixed signals. You're saying "no" at the same time that you are also saying "perhaps another time". He's going to ignore the "no" and focus on the "perhaps another time".

 

You put out for this guy with no strings attached once...he's not going to figure anything out on his own; he's just going to continue to try and wear you down. If you decide to get rid of him, you'll have to spell it out for him loud and clear.

[stillhere]

Yes, you are asking a lot because he is married. He can not do all those things for you.

 

It sounds like he only wants you for sex. I understand you are struggling, but you can not expect him to help you financially even though he is well off. My MM is financially "well off", but it's his choice to help me, i never ever ever ask him for money.

 

If you want someone to repair things at home, help you with a flat or pay for gas or anything else, you're going to have to find yourself a single guy. Most MM won't/can't help you with the things you need.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you've been doing pretty good at telling him no. Continue to do so. Break all contact with him and tell him that if he wants to see you again, you want to see his divorce papers in his hand.

[Impudent Oyster]

This is easy. Practice saying "I've realized that I'm not the kind of woman who dates married men, and you're married. Call me after you're divorced."

[kymberann]

So when he moved away, it was really a breather. I felt relieved.

Get that relief back! If you don't send him a clear message of "Leave me alone, I am done" you will not be able to feel the relief of when he left!

 

Usually I like to say to people, find what you really want from the R, do what works for you, but your message is clear, he is a drain, he is dragging you down and he is taking up time that you could be using to either spend with someone available and there for you or spend just enjoying what you like and need to do for yourself.

I can't help but ask:

What really is the hesitation on your part to "throw this bum to the curb"?

 

I really hope you do, the longer you go on with it the more he thinks he can get away with it. Now is that really fair?

Best to you!

[kymberann]

I have to ask one more question. If he were to divorce would you want a relationship with this guy?

[whichwayisup]

This is easy. Practice saying "I've realized that I'm not the kind of woman who dates married men, and you're married. Call me after you're divorced."

 

IO is right.

 

It sounds like he only wants you for sex. I understand you are struggling, but you can not expect him to help you financially even though he is well off.

 

Exactly. Even if you were dating him and he was single, that's still a high expectation, for him to help you with $$.

[cbl]

"I dont feel guilty for not being receptive towards him because at the end of the day, after he sleeps with me, he will not take me into consideration on any level"

 

Give him nothing..... see what's it that he gives you in return. Chances are nothing. If he couldn't give you anything when you two were still intimate, he wouldn't do anything for you now.

 

Dump him. Ignore his calls. You deserve a lot better than this and you know it.

[frannie]

What are you getting out of this..? Doesn't look like anything to me! And at the same time, you felt really good when he wasn't around!

 

Being with a MM doesn't have to be 'scraps from a table'... but you're getting that, or less. I just can't see why you're involved with him!

 

Also, I'll never understand why women don't just come out and say: 'this is rubbish, I need and expect more than this! And then say exactly what's wrong'. I mean... how on earth is he going to know if you don't tell him, and what's more, you lie about things..? Even a jerk needs a fighting chance to know what you want from a relationship.

[tommyr]

He has to offer me more than just occassional sex.

 

So what exactly do you want of him? Since fixing flat tires and leaky faucets is clearly NOT gonna happen, I guess that leave financial compensation? I know you REALLY don't want that, so I see 2 options for you:

 

1) accept the relationship for what exactly it is: f*!K buddies

 

2) get far away from him and start dating someone who can provide the things you really want (ie, more than just sex)

[Touche]

I dont know how to proceed with this.....

 

I have known him for a while and got on well, but what bothered me was his inconsideration sometimes.

 

He has a good life. He lives well, nice house, not struggling, nice car, makes plenty of money etc etc. Me on the other, struggling, car is making it, live in an apartment, make little money etc etc.

 

When I dealt with him a year ago, prior to him moving away from the area: He would want me to drive to him (sometimes 2 hours away), but he never bothered to offer to pay for my gas or anything. He would never call me to even find out if I made it safe and the only times we really communicated was when he was ready to "get some". This type of interaction with him really depressed me and I felt that I was better off alone because he was not doing anything for me. I even told him once that I could not rely on him to do anything for me, not even if I was to have a flat tire. I started to feel as though I was better off being with a single man, because at least he would be able to come and change my tire if I needed him. There were certain things I needed done, but he could not do them because he was either working, or with the W. When we saw each other, it was for "entertainment". So when he moved away, it was really a breather. I felt relieved.

 

Well, now he is back and he is being persistent. Really persistent. I dont have anyone in my life but, dealing with him is emotionally stressful because he wont do anything for me. I would be giving him alot more. I understand that the "Entertainment" is mutually beneficial, but I can get that anytime I want and not necessarily from him. He is not able to be there for me in the manner I would like a man to be there for me. Even if we were to see each other every now and again, I would expect him to help me out financially but he has not been forthcoming with that and I have not asked either. He knows and sees that I am struggling. My life is just beginning therefore, I cannot afford alot of the things. My budget is very limited but he does not seem to really look at things in that way.

 

So, he has been trying to see me and I have not been receptive. Last week, he took me to dinner (1st time ever) and then after dinner he wanted me to go with him. He begged and begged and I refused. Finally I had to come up with the ultimate lie......I have my period. So he did not force the issue. Saturday he called me and wanted me to go and spend sometime with him (just talk, according to him), but I told him that I was spending time with my sister. He tried to get me out of it, and I told him that, that was an impossible mission because I was spending time with my sister. Today, he calls and asks me to go and spend time with him, I said I could not because I was going to my g/f house and spend time with my g/f and her daughter. He asked if he could come and I said no. He asked if he could see me later and I said no, because it would be late and I needed to prepare for the next day. I said perhaps another time. He said ok, and we said our good night.

 

Now I know this does not sound like alot, but he is certainly expecting things to continue from where they left off a year ago and I feel that, that cannot happen. He has to offer me more than just occassional sex.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I dont feel guilty for not being receptive towards him because at the end of the day, after he sleeps with me, he will not take me into consideration on any level. What is the best way to approach this? Do I just let him know how I felt about our previous interaction or do I let him figure it out until he realizes on his own that he needs to offer me more than what he had been? I am a year older and my needs have changed too.

 

Any input would be appreciated.

 

I've never dated a married man but I was just curious about the bolded statement. Is that what's expected when you date a married guy? You expect financial compensation?

 

Because speaking for myself, in all my years of dating I never expected a man to "help me out financially." I think it's odd that you expect this of ANY man...whether he is married or not.

 

So I was just wondering if that's the way it is for OW's...that you expect that kind of "help."

 

Doesn't sound too kosher to me.

[serial muse]

So, he has been trying to see me and I have not been receptive. Last week, he took me to dinner (1st time ever) and then after dinner he wanted me to go with him. He begged and begged and I refused. Finally I had to come up with the ultimate lie......I have my period. So he did not force the issue. Saturday he called me and wanted me to go and spend sometime with him (just talk, according to him), but I told him that I was spending time with my sister. He tried to get me out of it, and I told him that, that was an impossible mission because I was spending time with my sister. Today, he calls and asks me to go and spend time with him, I said I could not because I was going to my g/f house and spend time with my g/f and her daughter. He asked if he could come and I said no. He asked if he could see me later and I said no, because it would be late and I needed to prepare for the next day. I said perhaps another time. He said ok, and we said our good night.

 

Now I know this does not sound like alot, but he is certainly expecting things to continue from where they left off a year ago and I feel that, that cannot happen. He has to offer me more than just occassional sex.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I dont feel guilty for not being receptive towards him because at the end of the day, after he sleeps with me, he will not take me into consideration on any level. What is the best way to approach this? Do I just let him know how I felt about our previous interaction or do I let him figure it out until he realizes on his own that he needs to offer me more than what he had been? I am a year older and my needs have changed too.

 

Any input would be appreciated.

 

I agree with those who have pointed out that you're sending mixed signals. He's being "persistent" because it's working. He senses you might eventually give in, since you kind of already are.

 

But since you know this isn't what you want anyway, why not just tell him 'no, I'm not interested' rather than go to dinner with him and make up excuses and put him off?

 

Frankly, it sounds like you don't want to tell him no outright because you're hoping against hope he'll make you a better offer than he currently is. That makes no sense. He didn't before, and he won't now; you already know everything you need to know about this guy. The best way to approach this is to give him a flat "NO," shake him off and move on.

[frannie]

So I was just wondering if that's the way it is for OW's...that you expect that kind of "help."

 

Doesn't sound too kosher to me.

 

 

 

I think that's called being a mistress, not an OW.

[Touche]

 

 

I think that's called being a mistress, not an OW.

 

Well to be honest, that wasn't the word I was thinking of.

 

But anyway...mistress, OW, isn't it all the same thing?

 

And the reason I focused in on the statement that I did is because this is the main preoccupation of this OP. Not that he's married, no. Her main focus is that he wants her but doesn't want to "pay." Just look at the title of the thread. It says it all.

 

Have some dignity.

[Izzar]

Hey, you can find a Sugar Daddy for that ya know. Have sex with him & he'll give you $$.

[Blue Phoenix]

--"He is not able to be there for me in the manner I would like a man to be there for me"-- Well realy what did you expect when you got into the relashionship?? For him to blow off his wife to run and take care of your every need?? I'm sorry I dont mean to sound rude or attacking I realy am not trying to here. But I think you may have this situation confused with a genuine afair its realy not your not his "other women" your just his booty call on the side when he wants it and wifeys not in the mood. --"Even if we were to see each other every now and again, I would expect him to help me out financially but he has not been forthcoming with that and I have not asked either'-- Why would you expect him or any other man marryed or single to "help you out financially"?? of course hes not forth comming when it comes to that he dosent have to be its not a requirement of most normal relashionships. Now if he or any other man wanted to and offered then thats a hole other situation. Altho me myself I rather struggle then have to expect or hope for money from any one most of all a man I am intimate with. My advice drop this guy your nothing more then a free pice of @ss to him you can do better for your self. I know things are tough for you right now but find a nice single guy. And def dont have this mentality that they owe you anything be self sufishent always it will make your life easer...

[YoMomma]

 

Am I being unreasonable? I dont feel guilty for not being receptive towards him because at the end of the day, after he sleeps with me, he will not take me into consideration on any level. What is the best way to approach this? Do I just let him know how I felt about our previous interaction or do I let him figure it out until he realizes on his own that he needs to offer me more than what he had been? I am a year older and my needs have changed too. Any input would be appreciated.

 

 

You are not being unreasonable, you just haven't told him what you want from him! So what I suggest you do is, the next time he comes over tell him outright just exacly how much money you want him to leave on the night stand before he leaves to go back to his wife. After all he is not a mind reader, he's never going to figure it out all by his little self. :lmao:

 

 

 

:bunny: :bunny:

[Touche]

You are not being unreasonable, you just haven't told him what you want from him! So what I suggest you do is, the next time he comes over tell him outright just exacly how much money you want him to leave on the night stand before he leaves to go back to his wife. After all he is not a mind reader, he's never going to figure it out all by his little self. :lmao:

 

 

 

:bunny: :bunny:

 

OH oh! Better run for cover! You sure have a lot of chutzpah, YM!

 

But hey...you said what a lot of us were already thinking. I admire that.

[Blue Phoenix]

I can see her wanting him to take care of her in cirtin ways IE like being there for her if she breaks down or helping around the house if something breaks the normal bf stuff for the most part. Altho when you get into a A you can't demand those things hes not a normal bf hes a marryed man and alot of the time ide say your just his fun on the side. The thing I realy don't get tho is her mentallity of wanting money from him or any other guy for that matter. But she dose sound kinda young so maybe she dosen't know any better yet I guess eather way kinda strange if you think about it a bit wondering if maybe its not another time waister fairy tail..

[Izzar]

Nextel,

Are you currently able to support yourself w/o the help of a man?

INDEPENDENCE RULES!!!!!

[YoMomma]

OH oh! Better run for cover! You sure have a lot of chutzpah, YM!

 

But hey...you said what a lot of us were already thinking. I admire that.

 

 

Thanks, but I meant what I said. Hey, I've been an OW, been there have the scars to show it. BUT, I would never expect MM (or any man for that fact) to give me money or help me make 'ends meet' !

[MoonGirl]

Men are hunters and he is being persistent because you're "playing hard to get." But if he gets you again, he'll just go back to treating you like he did before...like a doormat.

 

Move on and meet a man who's not MARRIED.

 

Read, "Why Men Love B*tches." It'll give you a clue about his behavior - as well as the behavior of many other men.

[Babybird]

But anyway...mistress, OW, isn't it all the same thing?

 

Technically, a mistress is a woman that has an exclusive affair and in return the MM provides financial support.

 

OW's just kinda get 'screwed' out of the deal. (LOL Sorry, couldn't help it!)

 

This is actually an easy problem. THe one thing that I noticed is that you never said that you loved this man. He wants sex and besides that pleasure you get nothing from him. Completely ignore the cheap jerk and like someone said you've decided you don't see MM anymore.

[puddleofmud]

Call me old fashioned (or just call me old !) but it would seem that a woman does have the right to derive from her own self-esteem/ integrity the value of HERSELF from her own hard work and creativity and not that of a man, a parent or any one else to take care of her.

Learning to fix one's own flat tire is just common sense....expecting a lover to be available should be a given not something to beg for much less be concerned about!

There are hordes of men who would admire a women who is in possession of herself and her life--there are hordes of men who would gladly take advantage of one who is not...

Guess it depends on which "horde" one would wish to associate?

As both are quite horny and persistent...

[YoMomma]

There are hordes of men who would admire a women who is in possession of herself and her life--there are hordes of men who would gladly take advantage of one who is not...

Guess it depends on which "horde" one would wish to associate?

As both are quite horny and persistent...

 

 

Puddle... :lmao: :lmao:

Very true they are ALL horny for whatever they can get!