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I am the cheater...what happens when its over?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 16th March 2019, 3:35 AM   #16
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Sweet sweet girls don't become involved with married men. Your OW does not respect your marriage. If she did she would not be your OW. Of course you also have zero respect for your marriage. Your affair partner is also lacking in the self respect department. She can do better than waiting on some married dude to come visit her but she doesn't value herself enough to realize this.

How old are your kids? Sounds like they get on okay without you around. Since you don't have any respect for your wife you may as well get a divorce. You will still get to see your kids. As a matter of fact, shared custody will probably give you more one on one time with them than you have right now, so your kids excuse is bull. Be a man of honor and integrity. Tell your wife the truth and get a divorce.
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:47 AM   #17
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op,
your head is so far in the clouds right now you can't even see what you're doing.
Listen to yourself. So far, you have made the following statements:
- my ow respects my marriage! Seriously, that is just about the silliest thing I have ever heard
-you act as if your wife gave you permission to cheat on you by encouraging you to take some time for yourself.
- you compare your sleeping around behind your wife's back with your wife getting new walls and countertops
-you whine about how you are stuck, yet you went out and did the one thing that would be sure to cause a huge amount of pain, and you can't even see it. You have absolutely no empathy for your wife and children , and don;t even try the "I care about my kids" line. Sir, if you cared as much as you claim you wouldn't have ever risked their stable home by cheating.



So here you are, right in the middle of the mess you created, trying to deflect by claiming the responses on here are "judging you". To this I say that if there ever was behavior that deserved negative judgement, this is it. The ironic thing is that the one thing you really need right now ( some tough love) is being rejected by you because it isn't what you want to hear.
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Old 16th March 2019, 10:32 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by JD8158 View Post
I am just in a bad spot right now - was hoping someone here could relate and offer advice...and not just judge.
JD8158, is your Dad alive? Mine is not, but I know if I sat down with him and and told him I'd done what you have and was in your "predicament", his advice would come in the form of some pretty pointed words. Those words would include honor, integrity, commitment, family, children and probably "head up your *ss".

Wonder what your Dad would say?

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Old 16th March 2019, 10:57 AM   #19
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You want advice...

It was a fincnially irresponsible decision to cash in your 401k to go and sit in the sun with your “girlfriend.” It was also not very fair to your wife, who I would assume was working at home and raising your children while you were living the high life.

You do have a new lease on life, after the surgery. Imagine that your health started to decline, what would you want your family to say after you passed? Would you want them to say that you were a hard working man, a good husband and father. What would they think if they knew you were leading a double life? I can just imagine the funeral, when your wife meets your girlfriend...

Life is about choices. Choose wisely.
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:20 PM   #20
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"I feel horrible for Sue - I promised her I would always be living for the "next time" we could be together. I never thought there would NOT be a next time. I feel awful, I know I will make her so sad when I leave."

Could you try perhaps to feel 'horrible' for your wife? You know, the woman you made vows to, the one you had children with, the one who supported you through your illness, the one who cared and trusted enough to let you go away for 3 months on a shag-fest with your soulmate?

Could you perhaps try a little empathy towards the woman your promised to love and care for forever.

oh and by the way, wanting renovations to your family home does not make you deserving of betrayal.
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:54 PM   #21
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I really wonder what sorts of lies you've told to Sue to make her go along with this. If shes' half the wonderful person you paint her as, she's not going to feel too good about being with a married guy. I fully expect she's been fed the usual buffet of excuses to try to rationalize your behavior, either that, or she's every bit as selfish as you are.



op, look at the difference between your posts and those of a truly remorseful WS. I can't recall a single one where the ws felt that their spouse having kitchen renos done to improve the family's home equates to giving permission for their spouse to cash in their financial security for a couple of months roll in the hay.


You have basically traded in your family's financial security for a few week long trial run with your ow. Do you even hear yourself and how selfish that sounds? You effectively abandoned your wife and your kids ( who you claim to care so much abut) so you could be selfish? Do you not think they would have loved a trip int he sun, after going through all of this with you?

As someone who is sick themselves (lymphoma and a couple of auto immune diseases that can kill you) , if I had an opportunity to spend a few weeks of fun with my kids making memories they can enjoy once i'm gone, you can be damned sure I would be spending that time with my FAMILY...not screwing around behind my husband's back and then whining when it's over.

Sir, you are damned lucky to have the wife you do. You should be kissing he frickin' ground she walks on..instead? you screw around behind her back and blame her for it?
Really? is that really the kind of man you are? if so, go to your ow and be with her. You two deserve each other.
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:56 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by waterwoman View Post
"
Could you try perhaps to feel 'horrible' for your wife? You know, the woman you made vows to, the one you had children with, the one who supported you through your illness, the one who cared and trusted enough to let you go away for 3 months on a shag-fest with your soulmate?

I think every OW should read this thread and see just how selfish the typical MM is.
It might be a real eye opener and save them an awful lot of heartache.
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Old 16th March 2019, 2:36 PM   #23
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I'll play devil's advocate.

Life is short. Very short.

On the one hand - you definitely want to think about what you want to teach your kids about life and relationships through your actions. Also, it's easy to be in love, happy, in a fantasy relationship that hasn't gone on for very long.

On the other hand - what matters more than anything in a strong relationship is shared values and world view. Do you and your wife share these? Do you and Sue share these? Are you going to throw away the rest of your life in a "meh" marriage because some people on a forum tell you to?

I think talking to your wife is in order, and considering a separation is in order. Also agree that a talk with your father, mother, or anyone you've known a long time and are close to could be helpful. Also... all these people are bashing you for taking a 3 month vacay with your gf.. but if your wife only visited she couldn't have been missing you too terribly.

Good luck poster
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Old 16th March 2019, 3:09 PM   #24
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I don't see anyone saying he should stay in the marriage but that he should be honest with his wife and family.

As for the BW visiting twice, she's probably working hard to keep the kids home life stable, you know things like going to work, kids going to school etc. Then there's the fact the OP probably did everything in his power to dissuade her, after all he wouldn't want her intruding into his little love-in.
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Old 16th March 2019, 5:50 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by BourneWicked View Post
all these people are bashing you for taking a 3 month vacay with your gf.. but if your wife only visited she couldn't have been missing you too terribly.
Unlike the OP, his wife probably doesn't have some unwitting victim on whom she can dump all of life's inconveniences - little things like kids, house, job and everyday responsibilities.

Maybe the OP could come home and hold down the fort, and his wife could go visit "Sue"?

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Old 16th March 2019, 6:08 PM   #26
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You are unemployed and you spent retirement funds on your mistress, what were you thinking?
Madness.

Meanwhile your poor wife was left to soldier on with the kids...
no doubt worried sick you were going to keel over from your bad heart...
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:36 PM   #27
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Are you sure your wife doesn't have her own Sue (Sam)? Or that she's at least fine with a more platonic partnership at this point because she's not feeling the connection either.

Visiting you twice in three months, not to mention you moving away for three months for personal (not business) reasons, isn't something most wives who are happily married would be ok with.

Starting a conversation with her about the situation might not come as such a big surprise to her as you think.
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:42 PM   #28
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I guess it was sold as recovery and convalescence from a stressful few years...
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:52 PM   #29
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I think if my husband wanted to convalesce far away from me I might have an issue - unless I was also happy for the distance.
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:57 PM   #30
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Remember OP's been in this affair for 2 years and his behavior at home probably reflects this.

Maybe his wife just wants a break from her husband acting like an a$$ for no apparent reason...
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