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Is he really loyal?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 10th March 2019, 9:25 AM   #1
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Question Is he really loyal?

My husband of 15 years always says he is loyal to a fault and that is a big priority for him. He was very dishonest about finances for a long time, but we had a fallimg out about that amd then reconciled. We jhave 3 kids under 7years old.
Ive never really had serious doubts that this is true until a few weeks ago.

About a month ago, he handed me a sweater and said i had left it in the car. It wasn't mine. No big deal, but the look on his face said "oh ****". I snooped in his computer one night (there are still some trust issues from the financial infidelity and he knows i look every now amd then) and i found a message from one of our mutual friends saying "im so confused, can we talk?" And he replied that he was available the next day at 330. He never mentioned this to me, but a few days later he said that he had got a call from her, and she is not doing well. She has been having marriage issues and is really unstable. He said that she tried to sell herself as a prostitute because ahe is out of money, but no one would buy her so she is really upset. I said "wow that is sad". (She has really gone off the rails as of late)

I was very suspicious at this point and i thought i recognised the sweater as hers too. I messaged her to ask if it was hers but she didnt reply. I havent seen her.

I made the crazy decision to buy a gps and put it in my husbands car. I know this is bad and spells the end, but my gut was screamimg at me that there was something going on. After the first day, he went to work and came home, end of story, and i almost turned it off.

But on the second day, he left work part way through the day amd went to her house. He then went back to work and came home after at around the usual time. That was 2 days ago.

He hasn't said anything about seeing her. What do you think are the chances he is cheating with her?

My second question is about how i am acting now. I feel uncertain that this is enough proof as im reasonably sure that if i confront him he will find a reason that he went to her house amd didnt tell me. Im trying to wait to see if it happens again, but im going nuts. I've kicked him out of my bed for vague reasons and told him i need a few weeks to think. He is confused. What should i do????
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Old 10th March 2019, 10:07 AM   #2
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Unhappy No trust left.....but i dont know if i can should end it

2 questions
1. Does it sound to you like he is cheating, or am i crazy?
2. Should i confront him, wait, or what should i do??



My second question is about how i am acting now. I feel uncertain that this is enough proof as im reasonably sure that if i confront him he will find a reason that he went to her house amd didnt tell me. Im trying to wait to see if it happens again, but im going nuts. I dont want to put all my cards on the table about the GPS.....i want to catch him in the act! But then i keep telling myself that maybe im wrong amd there is another explanation for all of this.....I've kicked him out of my bed for vague reasons and told him i need a few weeks to think. He is confused. What should i do????

I dont want to make any rash decisions but it doesn't look good, does it??

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Old 10th March 2019, 10:33 AM   #3
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There is a possibility that he is simply listening to her as she needs a shoulder to cry on but he could do that in your living room.

You already know he's not as loyal as he claims.

There are reasons to be suspicious. At minimum you need to talk to him about your concerns & what you have found.
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Old 10th March 2019, 12:46 PM   #4
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I remember a game we used to play as a kid called opposite day. Basically, everything you said would be the exact opposite of the truth. I think a lot of adults act like they are still playing this game. Luckily, they tend to be easy to spot. You want to look for people that make claims as your guy does. The people that strongly insist that they are loyal, swears how honest they are, or claims they really just hate people that play games, because they don't. They're full of crap. Opposite day people.

Isn't loyalty to be expected of a partner? Then why make strong claims about how loyal you are? Because you are actually not loyal at all and making strong, insistent claims about your unshakable loyalty will make people eventually believe it. Then, we get what we have here with you; clear signs that your guy is up to no good, but because of how strongly he claimed he is loyal, you still wanna trust him. Don't. He has already shown you he cannot be trusted.
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Old 10th March 2019, 10:51 PM   #5
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Should i talk now or wait?

Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
There is a possibility that he is simply listening to her as she needs a shoulder to cry on but he could do that in your living room.

You already know he's not as loyal as he claims.

There are reasons to be suspicious. At minimum you need to talk to him about your concerns & what you have found.

I am worried that if i talk to him now, when im not 100% certain, he will deny it and i will spend the rest of my life (?) doubting that. On the other hand, if i wait for more info, maybe i can be more sure? Maybe the gps wull show he goes back to see her amd i can catch him?
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Old 11th March 2019, 3:57 AM   #6
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I put a GPS tracker in my husbands car.

I suspected something was going on with a particular girl. She is a mutual friend of ours whose marriage is breaking up. She has been contacting him a lot to talk........

Within 2 days of the gps in his car, it showed he went to her house in the middle of his work day for 2 hours.

He hasn't mentioned seeing her, or her at all for over 2 weeks.

Is this enough evidence or should i wait for more before approaching him? Im fairly certain he will just say he was supporting her if i ask....and i will have trouble believing that
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:06 AM   #7
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I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Do not confront!! You are not crazy or unreasonable -- your husband is lying to you and is clearly cheating. But no, you don't have enough proof yet. Sit tight, act normal, gather info. Put a Voice Activated Controller (VAR) in his car. Hire a PI. I guarentee he is having an affair.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:38 AM   #8
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Don't confront him. You are correct that he will deny and turn it back on you. He will act angry and offended that you would think such a thing and make you feel like you are just being paranoid and jealous.

You say this woman is a mutual friend and she is having marital issues. How did you and your husband become friends with her? Who met her first and does this friendship include her husband? Why would she not talk to you about her marital problems? Since your friends with her too and she is married it is highly inappropriate of her to be seeking your husband out for private talks even if she really is just telling him her problems. However I think there is more going on. It's very suspicious that she's so eager and available to talk to your husband yet she completely ignored your message asking about the sweater.

Can you do more investigation? Check his phone bill for frequently called numbers, maybe search his car for telltale evidence. I used to have a partner who was very dishonest about his finances, how much money he made and what he was spending. I was paying for everything because he was always broke. I found all the evidence I needed in his car. If you confront him now he and her will just be a lot more careful about covering their tracks and it will drive you mad. Stay quiet while you gather more information.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:47 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Livyk101 View Post
2 questions
1. Does it sound to you like he is cheating, or am i crazy?
2. Should i confront him, wait, or what should i do??
(1) It's sounds like that a distinct possibility, sadly. Not crazy, but probably emotionally distressed (quite understandably).

(2) If you confront, you MAY nip something in the bud. Or, you MAY just cause him to become even more sneaky/deceptive if he is determined to cheat.

If you wait and gather evidence you may have your answer more definitively one way or the other.

So, you have some thinking to do about what you really want.

The suggestion I have seen around here a lot is IF you confront, don't reveal how you know (GPS, and VAR and/or PI if you decide to do that). That way you can continue to monitor him effectively IF you feel it's necessary to do that.

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:52 AM   #10
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As one BS to another, Crazelnut is 100% spot on.
Do this ASAP and figure out what you want from life, given that he is certainly cheating.
Imagine your H has been replaced by an alien, at this point you cannot believe anything he says. The cheater who is found out will very often 100% deny anything you cannot prove.

So sorry you are here.
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:29 PM   #11
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Do this ASAP and figure out what you want from life, given that he is certainly cheating.
Livyk101, look at it this way - he's already told you he's talked to her and it doesn't sound like you objected. So if all they did was talk again, why the secrecy?

I'd have doubted his intentions every before you said she'll trade sex for money. Red alert, code red and red flag, he's fooling around with her.

MC and NC with her becomes immediately important. He needs to also be transparent about his time and communication while you work through (assuming that's your choice) these issues. He's shown he can't be trusted.

Honestly, if the financial dishonesty was strike one and this strike two, not sure I'd wait around for strike three. With three young kids, you need to think about the rest of your life...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:41 PM   #12
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I donít like wondering if my man is disrespecting me...

I donít like the broken trust either. He certainly isnít earning your trust back now.

It really looks like heís got something going on with this OW... and it canít be good for your M.

Do you have kids?
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:46 PM   #13
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Do you have kids?
Her situation certainly complicated by this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livyk101 View Post
We have 3 kids under 7 years old.
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:06 PM   #14
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Well, the fact she's trying to sell herself for sex and failing is certainly the big red flag here. I mean, in what universe do you confess that to a friend's husband???? So I think she's either trying to find a man to bail her out of her problems OR soliciting him, and I wonder when she says she's confused if she can't tell if he's having a relationship with her or paying her for sex -- but they're up to something and you need to put a stop to it.

Call her husband and tell him what you know. This woman is not your friend.
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Old 12th March 2019, 1:30 AM   #15
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Livyk101, look at it this way - he's already told you he's talked to her and it doesn't sound like you objected. So if all they did was talk again, why the secrecy?

I'd have doubted his intentions every before you said she'll trade sex for money. Red alert, code red and red flag, he's fooling around with her.

MC and NC with her becomes immediately important. He needs to also be transparent about his time and communication while you work through (assuming that's your choice) these issues. He's shown he can't be trusted.

Honestly, if the financial dishonesty was strike one and this strike two, not sure I'd wait around for strike three. With three young kids, you need to think about the rest of your life...

Mr. Lucky
Thank you so much mr lucky for your supportive and honest words. You've also pointed out a few truths i haven't thought of yet.....which os rare because im a thinker. A gullible thinker, but a thinker nonetheless.

I burst into tears when i read your last paragraph. I just want what is best for my kids but compromising myself for someone who is breaking my heart for the second time might be a line a cant cross.
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