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Foreign Affair

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd March 2019, 5:19 PM   #1
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Foreign Affair

This is my first post. I found this forum a week ago and have been glued to my phone reading thread after thread for days on end. Heartbreaking stuff. I thought I should share my story.

A couple years ago, I inadvertently opened the saved email folder on my wife’s laptop and noticed that all the emails were to one man from South Korea. She seemed overly worried for him after an earthquake struck his country. He sent her a couple of photos, including a view from his room that was my wife’s screen desktop for years, and wrote how he looks at her photos when he misses her and wishes to see her soon. I thought it was weird but I assuaged my suspicions, thinking he was just a close work friend.

Fast forward to last year, we were at my father-in-law’s for Christmas when I noticed a new social media app on her phone, so I tapped on it and it asked for a password. Thinking back to those saved emails, I quickly grew suspicious, so later that night I searched her laptop and was shocked to find 50 emails to the same man going back 9 years. My wife sent emails asking him not to forget her, to wait for her and not to leave, sent him her hotel and room number, told him she missed him and couldn’t wait to see him, etc. Was there something going on? I nervously tried to gain access to her social media app with no luck until I realized that she had sent this OM, who is four years her junior, a happy birthday email several years in a row. With my heart racing I entered his birthday thinking if this password works it will confirm my worst fear. It opened quicker than I was prepared for. A wave of hurt, anger, and dreadful sadness suddenly coursed through my body. A couple of texts were of a sexual nature, about how she woke up in the middle of the night masturbating while thinking of him. I was suddenly overpowered by intense emotions, I could barely breathe. How could she share with this OM a part of herself that I never knew existed? How could she long for him? How could she be so sexually open to him? I felt sick to the bone, I cried, I couldn’t sleep, I stayed in bed, I let everyone think I was ill. I kept it all to myself since I didn’t want my daughter or father-in-law to find out what my wife had done.

I pondered what my next step would be. Should I confront my WW when we returned home? Do I keep it to myself and continue to spy on her? I started collecting more evidence; I saved all her email correspondence, her social media thread which wasn’t much, I searched through her cloud, her Facebook, everywhere I could think of. What drove me crazy was not finding a single secret photo of the OM. I browsed through years of photos and videos taken with her phone and set aside a few that I thought were potential suspects. I made a plan to monitor her then confront her on our anniversary which was coming up in a couple months.

My wife and I have been together for 26 years, and the first 15 or so years I thought were blissful. My wife is intelligent, healthy, slim, and looks 10 years younger than her age. I was very content and felt lucky to be married to such a beautiful woman. Her career requires her to travel all over the world, and she’s fortunate to be able to explore different cultures and cuisines. After our daughter was born things began to gradually change She immersed herself into learning the Korean language and culture. She watched Korean shows and listened to Korean music almost exclusively. It felt like we had less and less in common each day. She was unhappy with the way I regularly criticized or berated her, and she thought I was often rude to her like when I would sometimes ask her to drive home after picking her up at the airport from an exhausting trip. She felt she had tried to bring up these issues with me on several occasions, but she said it fell on deaf ears. My viewpoint was I felt she often overreacted and was overly sensitive, not all the time but enough where I didn’t think it was that big of an issue. I thought she was very stubborn, and oftentimes I was frustrated with the way she would shut me out. Whenever there was a disagreement or argument she would put on her earphones and completely ignore me. All this gradually affected our sex life, to the point where we would have sex only if I initiated it and if she was in the mood. At one point I wanted to see how long it would take for her to initiate sex, but she never did, and we would go many long months without intimacy. I started to believe she had completely lost her sex drive. I resorted to porn during that time, and after she’d go to bed I would often stay up late at night feeling alienated. Last year she started to say to me that I was difficult to love, which hurt me more than I’d like to admit. A couple of times I suggested marriage counseling, but she didn’t think it would help. She truly believed I couldn’t or wouldn’t change. The last year or so I made a conscious effort to curb my criticisms when I started to see the same behavior in my teenage daughter. She says she did notice that. Our marriage wasn’t all coldness and discord, we had many good times together, and though she believed I wasn’t a nice person I did go out of my way to do nice things for her on occasion. Romantic things. Family things.

My wife long ago shared with me her emotional abuse issues while growing up. It kept her in her shell, she was introverted and couldn’t tolerate the criticism, berating and yelling, especially from her father. In many ways I am similar to her dad, though she tells me that I’m not nearly as bad. I reflected on this deeply while processing her betrayal, and I quickly accepted the majority of the blame for her infidelity. I still couldn’t sleep and I was an emotional mess, and I started to realize I wouldn’t last until our anniversary to confront her. A couple days after the New Year and without a set plan I asked her while in bed if she was having an affair. She immediately denied it, and when I pressed on she continued to deny it. I finally told her I read the emails and she was angry that I invaded her privacy, but she finally admitted to it. I told her how hurt I was, that I wanted to be the one she was in love with, and that I felt I was the one who pushed her into having the affair. She said she was sorry, that she never meant for me to find out, that she never meant to hurt me. I asked her if she loved him, and she said she did. I showed her the photos I found, and she confirmed one of the photos was of the OM. I asked her if they talked about me, and she said one time her OM asked her if there were problems at home and she divulged that I wasn’t nice. I asked her if she planned to hook up with him again when she returned to Seoul, and she said she didn’t know. She told me that her OM doesn’t always respond to her emails, and that she thought the affair might be dwindling. They haven’t had any contact since Christmas.

We worked on getting closer in the ensuing weeks. I even booked an overnight trip a couple weeks after D-day to rekindle our love for each other. We talked openly and honestly about all the things that hurt us: about how when I wanted sex she felt I was being fake nice to get what I wanted, about how I felt she was cold, distant, and passive aggressive towards me. We apologized for all the pain we inflicted. At first she was very reluctant to reveal details about her relationship with her AP, she wanted to keep what they shared private and special. I told her I needed to know everything about the affair in order to begin healing. The details came in bits and pieces over several days. She would see him once or twice a year when her work took her to Seoul, and they would hook up once or twice per visit. She said they only had intercourse one time at his place the first time they had sex. She stayed the night, and she was there in the morning when her OM received news of a family tragedy. Thereafter the sex consisted of oral and manual. Although the affair spanned almost a decade, they only hooked up by my estimation maybe 10 times. She told me they’ve been friends for 20 years, and that he liked her before she began to fall for him. I asked her how she gave herself permission to allow the affair to happen, and she told me she had an epiphany; her life flashed before her eyes of all the times I criticized her or wasn’t nice to her and how she felt it was her fault, but suddenly realizing that I was the one with the problem all along. I was the cause of her unhappiness. She said although she still loved me, she was no longer attracted to me. Her OM on the other hand was nice to her, elegant, handsome, amazing, and their PA filled a void that had long been neglected.

I asked her point blank if she was still in love with him, and she said yes. She told me she never stopped loving me, but what she had with the OM was special and different. She admits that it’s all a fantasy - she’s treated like royalty when she works there and she could never move 6000 miles away to be with him so there’s no long-term future with her OM, though she believes her love for him is real. I shudder to think how much worse it would have been had he lived here locally. I believe she’s hoping the decision will be taken out of her hands, that the affair will die on its own so she won’t have to be the one to end it. She has not attempted to contact the OM even though I’ve suggested it so I can see what he says.

I have no way of controlling or monitoring her actions when she’s abroad, and her job is irreplaceable so she can’t quit. Even though we have opened up to each other in the most intimate way, my trust in her has been broken perhaps forever. Since I was the source of her misery I resolved to give her all the happiness she deserves so I told her that I would be amenable to having an open marriage. She told me she wouldn’t like it if I started something with another woman, but she realizes it wouldn’t be fair, she knows she can’t say no. If I were to pull the trigger it would have to be a FWB arrangement. She insists that she couldn’t be with someone without having feelings of love first. Somehow I feel that’s worse. So far I haven’t found the desire to pursue an OW; a month ago I went through the motions of opening an OkCupid account but bailed at the last minute. Right now I’m focused entirely on my wife. We have had the best sex in years and I’m feeling closer to her than I’ve ever felt.

One thing this forum has taught me is that an affair is a separate selfish act; that it was not my fault and I did not drive her to do it. She also agrees that the affair is completely her fault so I think we’re on the right path. I still have mind movies like every other BS, but after reading some of the more intense threads, I think I can say I’m doing better than most. She’s doing almost everything right with helping me recover and the sex and intimacy has done wonders for my soul. She has been on several work trips since D-day, and whenever she leaves my anxiety level goes way up. She tells me there’s nothing to worry about, that her AP was the only one, and I believe she’s telling the truth but my heart does what it does. She has a one month trip coming up that will be agony for me, and I don’t know how I’ll cope when she returns to Seoul next year. I’m trying to prepare myself for the pain I’ll no doubt encounter.

Last edited by Divod62; 2nd March 2019 at 5:50 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:39 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Divod62 View Post
I found this forum a week ago and have been glued to my phone reading thread after thread for days on end. Heartbreaking stuff.
Divod62, I'm a little surprised to see you've done extensive reading here because, based on what you've done, it seems you didn't learn much.

Your approach to this crisis in your marriage has been the equivalent of discovering your house is on fire, making some popcorn and pulling up a chair to watch what happens.

No interest in MC? Requirement your wife be transparent in her communication? Need for her to quit her job? Consequences for her infidelity? Disclosure to friends and/or family? Attempt to contact the OM and/or his spouse? Demand she seek IC to understand her choices? Desire to see an attorney to understand your options?

Originally Posted by Divod62 View Post
She tells me there’s nothing to worry about
Well then, I guess all is good...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt

Last edited by Mr. Lucky; 2nd March 2019 at 6:41 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:58 PM   #3
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For crying out loud you need to man up! You are giving her waaay to much leeway. She is still having an affair. She is still in control. This nice guy aproach doesn't solve a thing.

For Christ sake she still gets to go to Korea!!!! Holy crap!!!! THAT IS insane! Absolutely looney!!! She needs to find a new job.

You are basicly sitting and waiting for change. You are expecting her to change because you know now. You are expecting mercy and grace from a woman who has had an affair for the last NINE YEARS!!!! Good luck with that. Not happening.

Take some control. Stop treating her like a prize! She isn't. You are sending her the message that you are desperate to keep her. That you are even capable of sharing her with another man even if unwillingly.

Have you ever respected a man who was desperately clinging to a woman? Have you ever seen a man beg a woman to take him back? Did you think him manly? Powerful? NO. AND FOR WOMEN THAT IS DOUBLY TRUE!! women don't respect weakness. Women respect sharks. Women respect men who believe in their own worth and don't take crap!!

You are coming off as weak and predictable and desperate. Just STOP!

You have to be willing to lose a wayward spouse to ever even have a chance of getting them back. And in most cases you are simply better off without them!!

Buddy how low is your self esteem that pity sex and her cheating is acceptable?!
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Old 2nd March 2019, 7:02 PM   #4
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Sorry you're going through this.

One very important piece of information is missing from you're story: "What do you want?" You're working through a very extensive marital to-do list but, have not decided what you want, what you're working toward, or who you want to be.

This is very important to know, and there's some brutal facts that you have to come to turns with before you can truly answer. Many people would reflexively say: "I want my spouse back" but, this is clock that can't be turned back. This marriage is over. You can have a 2nd marriage with this same woman but this is the new reality:

The spouse you thought you knew turned out to be someone you're only now able to make a more informed assessment about. As you have discovered, trusting this person is not automatic. Your instincts tell you this is a person you are not familiar with, and even those heart-heart talks are not enough to leave you feeling secure.

You're also learning you are not the person you thought you were. All those games you use to play to evoke a reaction or express disapproval with your wife now seem to have been powerless and in vain. Where you once felt control you now have vulnerability.

There also doesn't appear to be any agreement between the two of you regarding what the future will be. Your wife is holding out her affair as "special" and you are suggesting that having a FWB will make everything fair and equal? The two of you don't even sound like friends - let alone a couple. You appear to be two people haggling over the price of something at a yard sale. Working through this requires a plan not a bartering system.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 7:10 PM   #5
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You know, I bet is she said she was going to go to where he is and live, he'd back right off. I mean, he's got to be married, right? He's certainly not making do on her having sex with him once a year or whatever it is. And he's a man, no offence. I mean, I just think if she really tried to move in on him, it would end in no time. It's super easy to be "in bliss" with someone you never see or have to deal with on a daily basis domestically.

And you're right. Cheating isn't your fault. If she's unhappy, it's up to her what she does about it, but cheating behind your back is her fault. I'm sorry it's affecting your daughter.

Of course, it is. You're her role models. Whatever you two act like, that is her normal.

I think she hasn't any right to refuse marriage counseling, honestly. She's idealizing this guy whose image would probably crumble if they were actually together. Good luck.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
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Old 2nd March 2019, 7:12 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Divod62 View Post
I asked her if she loved him, and she said she did. I asked her if she planned to hook up with him again when she returned to Seoul, and she said she didn’t know. She said although she still loved me, she was no longer attracted to me.

I believe she’s hoping the decision will be taken out of her hands, that the affair will die on its own so she won’t have to be the one to end it.

We worked on getting closer in the ensuing weeks. I even booked an overnight trip a couple weeks after D-day to rekindle our love for each other. We have had the best sex in years and I’m feeling closer to her than I’ve ever felt.

I shudder to think how much worse it would have been had he lived here locally.

Since I was the source of her misery I resolved to give her all the happiness she deserves so I told her that I would be amenable to having an open marriage.

She’s doing almost everything right with helping me recover and the sex and intimacy has done wonders for my soul. She tells me there’s nothing to worry about and I believe she’s telling the truth.
Welcome friend. I’m so sorry that you find yourself here.

I’m sorry to say that I agree with Mr. Lucky. If you have been reading this site, you haven’t learned very much...

If there is one universal truth, it is that cheaters lie. They have to be good at lying to do what they do... which means, when your wife tells you there’s nothing to worry about, you would not be wise to believe her. She is not telling you the truth.

She is still very much in the affair. She is currently distracting you from that simple truth with great sex. And, you are buying what she is selling, no questions asked. Furthermore, you have rewarded her poor behavior by taking her on a weekend getaway... She is a lucky girl, betray you in the worst way possible and she gets a recommitted husband who is willing to take her on vacations and offer an open marriage...

An open marriage will be the end of your marriage, by the way. It would only work when both partners are committed to the relationship, there’re is a shared trust, and open communication. You have none of that. In fact, you are already admitting to anxiety and jealousy when she goes away on her next work trip... an open marriage would be hell for you.

Keep reading, friend. You have a lot of learning to do. Again, I’m very sorry that you find yourself here.
If they love you, you will know. If they don't, you will wonder all the time if they do...

Last edited by BaileyB; 2nd March 2019 at 7:51 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 8:20 PM   #7
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IN case you haven't figured it out. Cheaters lie a lot.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 11:06 AM   #8
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Your playing the choose me game. You have already lost.

You are not the cause of your wife being a pos cheater, she is.

She chose to put her family second not you.

Get a lawyer and divorce that pos you have as a wife
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Old 3rd March 2019, 12:48 PM   #9
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The first thing you need to decide is if your willing to share your wife with another man. She is in love with someone else, your number 2 to him. If your answer is no then take the proper actions. You said she can't quit her job that it can't be replaced. Decide if money and lifestyle is more important then your marriage, take the appropriate actions. Please talk to a lawyer, find out how divorce will affect you because regardless of your plans your wayward wife has plans that may not include you. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't love you when there are some 3.5 billion women out there that might? Do not leave your future to someone that lies and cheats, they make really sh*tty decisions.

You need to take back control of your destiny, time to force the he or me decision. Isn't it better to know now where you stand so you don't waste more years of your life on someone that just wants to be your friend? She can't even commit to not seeing him on her next trip. Someone with her ethics needs to be given boundaries as to what you require in order to stay married to her. If she can't agree to your boundaries finish what her affair started, divorce her. Why prolong the pain, talk to a lawyer, secure your evidence somewhere she can't get at it. You can't make someone love you and you can't nice someone back. There are many things far worse then divorce, sharing her with other men should be at the top of your list. Have her tested for all STD's. Read up on the "180" and make it your new way of life because you still don't know how this is going to end and you need to start distancing yourself from her until she is 100% all in for the marriage.

Your in it and there is only one good way through it and that is to keep going until you get to the other side. Expose her to family, expose the O/M to his wife or partner(don't let your wife know your going to do this, just do it). She needs a shot of reality, surviving infidelity doesn't mean you have to survive it together but it does mean doing what is best for you and your daughter. Your wife took your choices away, you now have your choices back. She allowed a predator into your life, decide if staying with someone that would do that to her family is who you want to grow old with.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 2:26 PM   #10
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OP wow Looks like she got rewarded for her affair.? You coming off very weak doing the pick me dance.! Whatís up with that.? she has not to face any consequences as far as Iím concerned. Weakness is the most unattractive thing to a woman and thatís exactly how youíre coming off she canít wait to get to her OM. In her mind heís the real man. Wake up.! Sorry but thatís the truth.!
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Old 4th April 2019, 7:57 PM   #11
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Grow some!

Based on your reaction and strange lack of anger I can see why she thinks your easily blown over.
Sorry mate but grow some. I can see why she did it. you have no fight or passion in you! (I am not saying its your fault)
Consequences... she needs to feel it hard!
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Old 5th April 2019, 6:36 AM   #12
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This was just a one post and out with such incredible detail and effort. I wonder what happen to this dude.....I hope nothing bad.
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