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Best Years of our Lives blown by Old Flame


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th February 2019, 6:55 AM   #1
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Best Years of our Lives blown by Old Flame

This is my first post here. I am just distraught and didn’t know where else to go.

My wife and I have been together for 4-1/2 years, married for close to three. There is an age difference — she is 35, and I am 48.

She is very pretty and young in approach, carefree and funny. I’d like to think that I am similar in that regard. We both came from a previous divorce, mine a few years before hers.

I think that we would both agree that the marriage has been healthy, fun,loving, even the best years of both our lives. Which is why what happened blind sided me. I am still in shock.

There is an old flame I found out about, maybe a year into our relationship. I remember at one point she said he was the only guy she would be tempted
to leave me for. They actually were in contact a couple years ago, but she told me about it and stayed away.

I discovered her affair this year. They had been seeing each other for about three weeks and I caught her in it, already feeling something was up. She said she didn’t want to stop seeing him and wouldn’t. I went into negotiating mode, suggested we transition to an open marriage. (I know “negotiating mode” made me look weak.) She said Old
Flame, a man close to her age, considered her his, and wouldn’t consider an open marriage.

I knew we needed to split, and I told her she could keep the rental but I stuck around both out of money reasons and because I just couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. We had a beautiful marriage. Why would she want to destroy it with Old
Flame?

We were supposed to go on a vacation together. She canceled last minute. She began staying over with him. Tonight I finally blew up. Called her names. She called me some too.

So I am leaving this weekend. I can’t believe it.

Here is my question: advantages and disadvantages to No Contact? I feel I am losing her and am scared of No Contact. She’s just going to be spending all that time getting closer to him anyway.

I love her. I could forgive this. But she’s not coming to her senses.

Old Flame has a warrant out for his arrest, he has had numerous run ins with the law, he’s been in jail, he has six kids from three women (I think) and doesn’t pay child support even on the one he is court ordered to. He is ratchet, and not good for a future. Something she clearly doesn’t see.

I thought that if I loved her thru this that it might be some weird phase that would go away. Now she says she’s always loved him, they’ve had affairs together before, she wants to be with him. Not me.

When I move out this weekend, is No Contact the way to go?

Last edited by Murnaufau; 28th February 2019 at 7:02 AM..
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:10 AM   #2
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I feel for you. Unfortunately... you are saying it's been a short time... I feel it's been going on for a long time, and she just got sloppy, and you found out.


I know you are blind-sided, and heart broken... but I don't think there is any recovery from this. Even if you forgive her... her intentions will be to wonder. (Sorry) Personally, I would start to separate finances, and I would make sure your name is off the "Rental" because you don't want to destroy your credit on top of everything else.
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:21 AM   #3
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It may seem from the outside like this has been happening for a long time, but I know for a fact it has not. Regardless of the fact that the first time she came clean and came to me, we spent every waking hour either together or knowing exactly where the other was. I knew something was up recently exactly because she was spending more time away, coming home late, claiming odd work hours or acting like she was shopping. They began talking a few months ago, she went to see him for the first time in years six to seven weeks ago.

I have already separated the bank accounts and you’re right, I probably do need to make sure that the landlord is aware that I’m out.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 8:27 AM.. Reason: removed quote
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:28 AM   #4
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M,

Sorry my friend that you are going through this....I cannot imagine he heartache.

Tough advice here.....she is gone, and most likely you will never get her back. Women do not love men they do not respect, and begging, negotiating, and groveling all just show that you are weak to her. She already told you that the OM would not share her with you, she is listening to it, so that makes you the weak one, and him the dominant. A lot of other posters here have gone through what you have, and the only chance that you may have is the 180. With that said, I don't see you swallowing your pride enough for even that to work. My advice, find someone closer to your own age.
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:31 AM   #5
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I am sorry that you're going through this. Divorce sucks, every which way.

I don't think that her affair has necessarily been going on a long time; probably around the time your instincts kicked in and you subsequently uncovered it, is probably just as good to go on.

But. I do think that it is over, and that she will not change her mind.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Murnaufau View Post
When I move out this weekend, is No Contact the way to go?
'No contact' is for teenagers who don't have any financial or other adult ties that they have to mutually deal with, and for people who want to try to manipulate other people into getting back together.

I would offer to seek legal counsel, and also look at all the joint accounts (utilities, cell/internet, insurances, credit cards, etc.)

Again, I know it sucks. Sending hugs.
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:34 AM   #6
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M,

Sorry my friend that you are going through this....I cannot imagine he heartache.
What is the 180?

Also, I have no interest in someone closer to my age.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 28th February 2019 at 7:48 AM..
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Old 28th February 2019, 7:37 AM   #7
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Here is my question: advantages and disadvantages to No Contact? I feel I am losing her and am scared of No Contact. She’s just going to be spending all that time getting closer to him anyway.
Murnaufau, what kind of contact do you picture and what effect do you think it would have? At this point, doesn't sound like she's interested in long walks holding hands on the beach with you.

The truth my friend, is that sh'e been very consistent in what she's done and said. She's made a choice, and it's not you. So as hard as that is to hear, you'll need to plan accordingly.

You might find some help as you disengage in the 180, linked at the top of this forum under "Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce". It's designed to show your partner what's at risk since, just as she's moving on with her life, you'll move on with yours. It can help you avoid some of the nastiness and name-calling you've already encountered.

Lots of good advice here so keep posting. Sorry you find yourself in this situation...

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Old 28th February 2019, 8:03 AM   #8
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Maybe a part of the problem is that we have had sex a couple times too since then ó two nights ago the mind blowing type. She loves me. She knows the years were good, and that I was good to her. Doesnít stop her from ending it and taking a risk on ratchet Old Flame.
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:11 AM   #9
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Why would you want someone that could do this to you and act so callous towards you ?

What could possibly be so great that it could negate the hurt, disrespect and destruction she just laid down in your marriage..

I say let him have her.
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:12 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Murnaufau View Post
She loves me.

IMO, her actions don't show love....
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:30 AM   #11
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Maybe a part of the problem is that we have had sex a couple times too since then ó two nights ago the mind blowing type. She loves me. She knows the years were good, and that I was good to her. Doesnít stop her from ending it and taking a risk on ratchet Old Flame.
This is proof that good sex, or sex in general, does not equate to love with all people. Man...she has moved on, time for you to start healing and healing and move on as well. Dwelling on the sex thing like this is not helping you brother. If it is that important, then the old advice "the best way to get over a woman is to get under another" served me well in my pre marriage days.
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:42 AM   #12
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Why would you want someone that could do this to you and act so callous towards you ?

What could possibly be so great that it could negate the hurt, disrespect and destruction she just laid down in your marriage..
Again, this is not a bad marriage. By any means. She would even tell you how we’ve grown, progressed together, taken care of each other’s needs, we were deeply in love. So the simple answer to that question is that I would gladly take the last month once again for the 4-1/2 years that preceded it.
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Old 28th February 2019, 8:46 AM   #13
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Your wife is a fool. She has chosen another man, and a bad man at that. This is a really poor choice.

I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but you are better without a woman who could do this in your life. Let her go, but be prepared because she may be back when things fall apart with this other man (as it seems fairly obvious given their/his history, that it will fall apart at some point).
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Old 28th February 2019, 9:01 AM   #14
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I donít think you can say this is a good marriage if you are totally honest with yourself....sheís seeing someone else and she told you sheís more loyal to him than to you. There isnít a good factor that can overcome thatóthat alone means this is a bad marriage. BUT it totally makes sense you donít feel that way right now. I still struggle with similar thoughts and Iím months into my separation and working on our divorce. Itís the denial part of grieving the loss.

Also this isnít the fault of Old Flame itís the fault of your wife. Sheís the one who is married to you and betrayed you, not him.

Iím so sorry you are dealing with this and itís obvious you adore her. NC/180 is both the best way to get her back and the best way to get over her, so itís a win-win and I would totally recommend it. However, I think you really need to consider whether this is a relationship you would want back anyway, because sheís done this to you with OF and sheís had affairs with him before...this is a pattern of behavior and sheís making conscious choices not to honor commitments in order to be with him. Getting back with her (if she ever wanted that anyway) would just guarantee you more of the same, Iím afraid.
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Old 28th February 2019, 9:04 AM   #15
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Again, this is not a bad marriage.
For you it was not a bad marriage, but that isn't a position or opinion that you can take for the both of you.

She said this to you: "She said she didnít want to stop seeing him and wouldnít."

In saying that, she could not make it any more clear that she no longer values her marriage to you -- even if it was a good, growth-inspiring one -- and she now wants something else for herself.

It is very difficult and stressful and traumatizing; I get that.
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