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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th December 2017, 9:24 AM   #16
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Regarding telling his wife -- DO IT!!!!!!!!! More than likely it will stop him dead in his tracks. Be prepared to offer some evidence. But do it.

Besides, if his wife knew and you didn't, wouldn't you want her to tell you? She deserves to know what is going on the same as you.

If the two of you want to fix this, she must get a new job away from that guy. There will always be the threat to your marriage if she continues to work with the guy. This is a deal breaker. She cannot continue to spend time with the guy - even for work activities.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:31 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
NEVER DO THIS. this is abusive to your children.

this is permanently destroying your relationship with your children, in the hopes of causing pain to your wife.

It doesn't matter what the test says. Even if they're 100% yours, your relationship with them is over, because they will never, ever forgive you. In their eyes, you suddenly reduced them to nothing more than objects, things that you were trying to throw away.
Nonsense. You tell your kids that you're checking if they're related to Elvis or Henry VIII. He has a right to know who the father of his children are, always. Period. His wife should be made to understand the seriousness of her actions, which she currently does not. The part about "throwing away objects" is merely you projecting your own issues on to a situation where we should offer our help.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:56 AM   #18
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So sorry you are here Tkelly. But in all honesty what is there to save? She has disrespected you for years. Do yourself a favour and cut the cord. Move on and find someone who will respect you.

Oh and never ever stay just for the children. They will know, they will get to realise your relationship is a lie. Kids are better off out of these situations. Your wife is a liar and needs help.

Last edited by LifesontheUp; 26th December 2017 at 11:09 AM.. Reason: to add bit about children
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:57 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Tkelly View Post
At this point I'm probably ready for the divorce. She wants to try to work it out.
Given her history “wants to try to work it out” really means that she wants both of you. She wants you for boring things that she takes for granted. Things that the other man can’t or won’t give her (i.e. safety, security, family, etc.) She wants him for excitement.

She finds the OM more sexually thrilling. That’s because he’s forbidden and new. Search for a 20 minute TED Talk by Helen Fisher: "Why we love, Why we cheat" to understand.

Last edited by Buckeye2; 26th December 2017 at 2:12 PM..
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Old 27th December 2017, 2:01 AM   #20
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Youíre being played like a fiddle and the reason is that your wife knows you are going to eat any **** sandwich she serves up to keep your family intact. You told us that you have already done that and she knows or believes you are going nowhere.

So now you are about to get your third D Day and my bet is find out the have been having sex all along the time you thought it was over.

His wife obviously is not goi no to do anything either so I would tell her but not expect anything positive for you to happen.

You want to fix your situation.
(1) see an attorney and let your wife know
(2) put a VAR in her car. You can take it to the bank she will be on the phone with OM
(3) tell her unless she passes a polygraph that you are divorcing her. Her reaction alone will tell you a lot. She will most likely resemble Casper the Ghost when you make this demand.

Until she believes that there are going to be some unpleasant consequences, which at present she does not, she will continue to keep you in the one sided open marriage you are now in.

She is not going to stop voluntarily. The big question is when you get the truth are you still going to want to stay with her.

The pick me game you are playing now never ends well. The ball is in your court.
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Old 27th December 2017, 10:10 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Friskyone4u View Post
You want to fix your situation.
(1) see an attorney and let your wife know
(2) put a VAR in her car. You can take it to the bank she will be on the phone with OM
(3) tell her unless she passes a polygraph that you are divorcing her. Her reaction alone will tell you a lot.
Put the VAR under her car seat first. i.e. Don't rock the boat anymore until the VAR is in place. You might what to buy two and swap them out.
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Old 27th December 2017, 12:46 PM   #22
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Absolutely tell the other mans wife TODAY. It will stop this once and for all.

File for divorce. You don't have to follow through but she needs to know you're serious.

Start working on your appearance.

Do not talk to her about anything but the kids. Be short and to the point.
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Old 27th December 2017, 7:20 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
Never stay in a bad marriage for the kids.
I would love a whole separate thread on this, and the definition of "bad." Many people got married long before they knew who they were, or had stable self-images. I hear this comment a lot and I always wonder at the truth of it. Especially if the adults can come to terms with their own issues, and keep the family unit together.

Just interesting is all... curious on others comments on this thought.
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Old 27th December 2017, 8:19 PM   #24
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This affair never stopped.

Things you must do:

Tell the OMW.

WW must leave that job because she must
have NC with the OM.

DNA test your kids.

Hide a VAR in your WW's car and one in your
house. Also hide a real time GPS on WW's car.
Never tell WW about this.
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Old 27th December 2017, 9:27 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Tkelly View Post
Interesting Cautious. One piece of info that I didn't share before. His wife found out about the original affair before I did. She didn't leave him then, but I don't know the details. I could contact her, do you think that is a good idea?
Yes, you should.
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Old 28th December 2017, 12:21 AM   #26
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No point in trying to reconcile with this woman while she's still carrying on with this douche bag. Notify his wife asap. Notify the world. Nothing chokes the life out of an affair quicker than the light of day. Notify notify notify.
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Old 28th December 2017, 1:20 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by Tkelly View Post
Hi all,

I haven't posted here before. It's a bit of a story, but I need some advice. About 2.5 years ago I caught my wife cheating with a guy at her work. It had been going on for over a year before I got wise to it. When confronted, she pledged to stop, we went to counciling for 1.5 years and slowly made some progress. We have kids, so I didn't want to break up the marriage.

During counciling, I found out the two were still talking, and he was obviously trying to restart something. I told her I was upset, even though nothing sexual happened and she needed to cut off all contact. She apparently did.

Now, we bought a new house and seemed to be doing well, but I started getting suspicious. Some late night happy hours seemed to fit the pattern from before (she does these for work, she is in sales). I started snooping and found nude selfies on her phone. She certainly doesn't send them to me. I confronted her, and she admitted she had met him 3 times. No sex, but some touching.

At this point I'm probably ready for the divorce. She wants to try to work it out. The other guy is married and has kids. I'm taking a week to try to decide and get my ducks in a row. On the off chance that I do want to try to work things out, should I contact the other guy and threaten to expose him to his wife unless he backs off? He's the one trying to initiate another relationship. Yes, my wife is very guilty as well, but does anyone think this would help or hurt?

I've read enough on this forum to know the advice is to divorce. It's difficult because of the kids that I love dearly. Sorry I didn't use the normal abbreviations, still trying to puzzle them all out.
You need to expose it to his wife. Donít threaten, just do it. Or have your wife tell her whatís been going on. Then divorce her.
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Old 31st December 2017, 3:44 PM   #28
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Thanks for all the advice and tips (most of them at least). A couple of updates. The other spouse has been informed, and he's probably in for a rough time. Voice recorder is ordered, and will be installed in her car. I've got access to her phone and devices. The kids are mine (twins). We worked hard enough for a couple of months to make that happen 9+ years ago so I don't have any doubts there. Seeing an attorney to plan out the next steps.

I hope she can keep her word and this is the end of things. But I'm prepared if she can't and will have divorce papers ready to go. We will see.
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Old 31st December 2017, 4:38 PM   #29
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Did you check the laws in your state? Planting a recorder in her car may be illegal.
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Old 31st December 2017, 4:40 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by WilyWill View Post
Nonsense. You tell your kids that you're checking if they're related to Elvis or Henry VIII. He has a right to know who the father of his children are, always. Period. His wife should be made to understand the seriousness of her actions, which she currently does not. The part about "throwing away objects" is merely you projecting your own issues on to a situation where we should offer our help.
Yes, I am "projecting my issues" because I know how it feels to have a permanent, uncurable doubt about a parent's love. And mine wasn't even nearly as bad as him trying to prove that I wasn't his kid!

If you think it's damaged me, that kind of proves my point, doesn't it?
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