In a lot of pain - separated after discovering husband with affair partner.

[mandyatk]

Hello, I'm new here and I would like to tell my story. My husband and I were happily married (I thought anyway) for only three years. We never argued, the sex was great, we were always laughing, people told us we were the perfect couple. I guess I accepted the fact that he was a heavy drinker and smoker, I also knew he had a thing for internet porn but I didn't really know the extent of it until after I discovered the affair and I did a bit of Googling on the user names that he tended to use.

 

Anyway I discovered the affair in July this year, through finding explicit text messages on his phone. I think it started as an emotional Interent affair and ended up a full blown 'cake eating sexual meeting in hotel rooms affair. I texted her and told her to stay away from my husband. She said she didn't know that he was married and she was a shocked as I was. I was naive enough to believe that was the end of it. He kept telling me he loved me and we were going to fix our marriage. He then decided that he needed to move out, but we were going to date and 'get the magic back'. We started going to marriage counselling. I realize now how ridiculous it is that I believed all this, but I did, because I trusted him. Anyway I turned up unexpectedly one day and of course she was in his bed. The affair had never stopped, I checked his phone account at this point and realized that he had got a second secret phone as soon as I had discovered the affair, so he obviously never had any intention of stopping seeing her.

 

I think he was telling her that the marriage was over and that was why he had moved out. The reason I think this is because when I discovered them together, she said "Steve says you have been so dignified, through this whole process", so obviously there was a 'process' that I wasn't aware of. He told me in front of her, that he had had no feelings for me for a long time, but the next day, he was ringing me telling me he didn't want a divorce. He says he loves me, but he just loves her in a different way.

 

I rang his parents and told them that he had left me for another woman, they were horrified. He is the master of bull**** and manipulation though, so I'm sure it won't be long before he manages to spin the story in his favor. His father made him give me the house, though, so that was a good outcome.

 

I just feel so hurt and sad. I thought when someone asked you to marry them they meant that they wanted to be with you forever. I am getting stronger every day. I have been doing all the things that you're not supposed to like texting him, etc, but I'm determined to do no contact from now on.

[elaine567]

I know the OW used the word dignified but to me it sounds like you have acted in a dignified way in response to some dreadful provocation.

You are way better than some alcoholic, heavy smoker with porn addiction and cheating issues.

No contact is good it will set your head straight and make you even stronger. Well done you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Run like Hell.

 

Don't look back.

 

You've seen his lies so don't listen to his words anymore.

 

He's only in it for whatever passing impulse crosses his mind and has serious attachment issues.

 

Figure out what got you involved with himnabd any red flags. Notice that in the future.

[sidney2718]

Find a lawyer YESTERDAY. Open your own checking account and get your own credit cards. You are in for a rough roller coaster ride.

 

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Get legal advice as soon as possible and take whatever steps are necessary to preserve your share of the marital assets.

[dreamingoftigers]

Find a lawyer YESTERDAY. Open your own checking account and get your own credit cards. You are in for a rough roller coaster ride.

 

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Get legal advice as soon as possible and take whatever steps are necessary to preserve your share of the marital assets.

 

You don't want to have pay him alimony or something.

[GirlStillStrong]

Oh I am so sorry. It really sucks when you first discover that guys are pricks, especially the ones who proclaim their love and then rip out your heart like this. You are doing the right thing by going NC from him. There is a saying that you need to remember for a while and that is When someone shows you who they are, believe them. So don't listen to his words. The easiest way not to is to stay NC. When a person does what he has done, he does not know love. He can say the words and fake the tears, but don't let him fool you. You also might want to learn about alcoholism, and why you were drawn to marry a person with such severe addiction issues. I'm afraid this guy is really nothing like what you believed him to be; he's a fake, a fraud, and always will be.

[OMC]

It really sucks when you first discover that guys are pricks

 

 

Well... there ya go.

[fellini]

You mean guys have pricks and gals have vaginas.

 

There ya go....

 

 

 

[XQUOTE=OMC;6053314]It really sucks when you first discover that guys are pricks

 

 

Well... there ya go.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm so sorry that you are hurting, friend. Have you considered doing some counseling for yourself? It may prove really helpful to have a professional to talk to as you are going through all of this. I hope that it gets better for you, best of luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[turnera]

Counseling is a must.

[sunburned]

I just feel so hurt and sad. I thought when someone asked you to marry them they meant that they wanted to be with you forever. I am getting stronger every day. I have been doing all the things that you're not supposed to like texting him, etc, but I'm determined to do no contact from now on.

 

This is just awful -- to walk in on them. I am so sorry for what you're going through. You need to do a complete 180 with NO CONTACT. I'm guessing no kids, so get busy working, working out, interviewing divorce lawyers, socializing with friends and family. I think you would be taking an enormous risk to ever take him back. I predict he will come back after the mystery and excitement of the A relationship fades. Their R probably won't hold up in the light of day. Please don't fall for it when it comes crawling back. The actions you've described in this post say it all. Best of luck to you.

[mandyatk]

Hello everyone, it is now three months on and I am feeling so much better than when I posted this original message. I have got a great counsellor and I am doing lots of reading about boundaries and co-dependency. I think that he was able to use and abuse me because I let him. I can now see with the help of the counsellor that I had no boundaries, I couldn't see where I ended and he began. He treated me with little respect because I allowed him to. I started writing and journalling to help with my therapy and I have turned my writing into a blog to support other women who were suddenly discarded. So the future is looking good! It's funny how at the time something can seem like the end of the world, but after a while you can see that actually it had lots of positive outcomes.

[Lion Heart]

It really sucks when you first discover that guys are pricks

 

 

Well... there ya go.

 

Come on guys. Aren't there far too many generalizations on LS already?

 

It's ok. My defense system pricked up too when I read that but the post was supportive.

 

Allow me to correct.

 

Some guys are TOTAL COMPLETE PRICKS.

 

Some girls like anyone's prick even if they're married.

 

Just the way it is.

 

Will come back OP. SO sorry for your pain.

 

Lion Heart.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good good!

 

You left him totally, right?

[Lion Heart]

Mandyatk, dear girl, we know your pain.

Its gut-wrenching.

There are lots of tools here on LS and supportive online shoulders to share with.

 

I'm a recent BW 13w 6d since my D Day. 3 darling children to a worthless man. He's done so much harm to us all. It's so sad.

My exWH, I also had a DD to, I sure can (NOT) pick 'em!!! 22 or so years since that D Day.

 

Have you seen a counsellor?

 

It was important you phoned WH parents & informed them of WH behaviours. I'm glad you did. You seem mature enough to realize that blood is thicker than water. You may need to go NC with them too.

 

There are also threads in the self-improvement section that I've felt have really helped.

Plus Loss because this is a HUGE loss and if someone hasn't told you already, it's grief you feel too. You will grieve for the dream of a shared future.

 

Mandy this man actually did you the biggest favour leaving. He took his A underground and you were none the wiser. He didn't do you ANY favors marrying you but thank goodness you found out the truth now. Not later.

 

Absolutely cut and run!!!!

 

NC all the way.

 

Depending on how things around you make you feel, consider moving or replacing furniture or plates or linen or your bed. Take things like photo albums to a relatives house so you can't sit and cry over them. You will cry but visual memories are worse triggers.

 

Remember that everyone here will support you. LS is open 24/7 so use it when you feel like breaking NC or for any other reason.

 

Most importantly, tell your friends. Keep good company. I had to tell 5 people at my workplace then told them to tell EVERYONE else. I couldn't deal with repeating the story over and over. BUT they all had to know because I'm one of the few staff that HAS TO work and interact with all of them. The pressure was overwhelming BUT I GOT THERE WITH their support. They all cut me some slack. I definitely wasn't my usual self. I wonder almost 3 and a half months later if I'll ever be her again. And you know? I don't want to be! I want to be FAR better than before! And I damned well plan to be.

 

Have TWO CHEATING MEN define MY life? NO WAY IN THIS WORLD.

 

I want to be a woman who:

* can see red flags clearly and run = lots of study about cheaters and other harmful disorders

* enjoys her life ALOT MORE! = planned holidays OFTEN with my kids. WH can go do whatever he wants to. I've got my kids and we're having GREAT FUN!

* eats well = lots of healthy food just for me

* exercises in fun ways = hot yoga, bike rides with the kids or to get groceries just for the fun of it

* loving my family and friends. Choosing them as my second priority AFTER myself.

* expanding our family with a new (actually rescued) dog. After our OS trip in August this year. I can't wait!

 

You will get there. Yes you will. Plan fun things and MAKE yourself go!

 

Gosh I almost FORGOT! Glory be. The most important things are a fake tan! False nails! A gorgeous new hair do! Nice sexy new clothes and underwear and lingerie! New shoes! Put that facade on and walk tall girlfriend. WHs gonna catch a glimpse of you one day and KNOW you've moved on.... (even if you haven't). Shut that door. Move on. You've got no choice.

 

Here's to a new Mandy

Lion Heart.

Edited March 29, 2015 by Lion Heart

[elaine567]

Lion heart - great advice, but all this was in December and the OP has updated here, #12

[Lion Heart]

Hello everyone, it is now three months on and I am feeling so much better than when I posted this original message. I have got a great counsellor and I am doing lots of reading about boundaries and co-dependency. I think that he was able to use and abuse me because I let him. I can now see with the help of the counsellor that I had no boundaries, I couldn't see where I ended and he began. He treated me with little respect because I allowed him to. I started writing and journalling to help with my therapy and I have turned my writing into a blog to support other women who were suddenly discarded. So the future is looking good! It's funny how at the time something can seem like the end of the world, but after a while you can see that actually it had lots of positive outcomes.

 

Hi Mandy, thanks elaine. That's wonderful that you're growing from this. Understanding (not blaming and whatever you do sometimes, if a spouse WANTS an A - they're gonna have it) some things that you didn't see in this man that could've alerted you earlier - red flags.

 

Hope you fly now!

LH

[mandyatk]

Thank you everyone for your support. Lion heart I have taken up everything you suggested except the hot yoga! Fake tan and a gym membership does amazing things to your psyche. I have climbed the Sydney harbour bridge and zip lined! But the most important thing is I now understand how my complete lack of boundaries led me into this situation in the first place. I am a different person now, I am not as trusting, I don't believe people as readily and I am on the look out for hidden agendas. I am comfortable on my own and I am enjoying developing a relationship with myself. I think it will be a long time if ever that I will have a relationship with someone else. Thank you everyone once again.