Had Emotional Affair with Married Man while married, left devastated.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I met him on Pinterest. He was an artist. I was a musician. We were both there to promote our work. I complimented his work, he complimented mine then he started to contact me privately. He introduced me to private boards and we started to send and pin erotic pictures to each other rather early on. It got inappropriate quicker than I expected. Because our connection was started by visual images, it was easy to get sucked into a fantasy realm with him. I also saw him flirt with other women but chose to ignore it. At first.

 

I admired his talent and intelligence and fell hard for our world full of lust, art, beauty, escapism. He said he loved his wife and would never want to leave her and I also loved my husband and didn't want to hurt and leave him either. We talked practically all day, every day for four months. At first I didn't want a relationship with him, just to meet and maybe passionate sex to make up for the lack or passion in my own marriage. (My husband and I never were passionate even at the beginning and we have been together for 11 years now) Then I quickly started to fall in love with this married man. I obsessed and dreamed about a fantastic art and passion filled life.

 

We never once met or had physical contact, but some days we would drive each other wild talking sex all day, sending black and white erotica to each other. We kept talking about meeting. He would listen to my music a lot. We were rather enthralled. He would send pics of himself and touch himself through FaceTime in front of me, called me on the phone and had phone sex and the more he did that the more my longing for him grew. We eventually told started using the word love. But everyday he was in a different mood. Some days he was full on in the connection, flirting, in all trying to turn me on and some days he was filled with guilt. The roller coaster drove me mad, I kept not knowing what to predict and would keep trying to hold steady until he came round again. I believe we both thrived off of the thrill of trying to suck each other in when one would stray.

 

I cried almost daily for the four months. I wanted him more than anything. I was considering leaving my husband for this man I never met. We kept discussing meeting, but the more time went on the less likely it seemed to be a reality.

 

I started to try to breech the topic with my husband, I didn't want dishonesty but I knew my husband would never want to split, I was starting to suggest that our marriage was in trouble and push us toward an open marriage. My xMM also tried to open up his marriage with his wife. My husband said he would do anything to keep me and work on our marriage and my xMM wasn't able to fully open the conversation with his wife and he was scared to fully go there and make her upset.

 

Fast forward to now. Finally, after my xMM flip flipping back and forth about whether or not we would finally meet and I cried last bucket of tears

I couldn't take it anymore. I contacted him non stop on a weekend he asked me not to. I knew that this would make him angry and I didn't have the backbone to break it off and I knew he would as a result. He wanted time away with the wife without letting me know where we stood, he wanted to tell me after the weekend was over. I wasn't going to wait any longer. The end. It worked he was enraged, and said he was done.

 

Since then I have suffered. I am trying to figure out what to do with my husband. To be reminded of what passion and lust feels like reminds me of how unhappy I am. I was a ripe candidate for an affair. I have felt isolated, bored and alone in my current relationship for a long time. I miss my affair partner and at this point he thinks I am nuts and isn't returning my emails. He loves his wife and doesn't love me I am certain regardless of what he said.

 

My husband never tries to seduce me, he is a very sweet guy and a great husband but his libido is very low and all he thinks about is work. He knows he has this problem but nothing changes. We are working on it but I feel so alone and sad. We both have gained weight over the past ten years and he has admitted to not being completely turned on by that. My xMM told me weight doesn't bother him, it made me long for him and to be with someone who wanted me as I am.

 

I so need love, lust, passion. I feel empty and have felt empty for years. I close my eyes and blank out when I do have sex with my husband. But I love him so much. A best friend.

 

I feel lost without passion. I feel like I am in jail. The person I fell in love with doesn't love me and I can't have him. I am married and won't experience passion ever again.

 

Have any of you experienced this feeling of helplessness? Don't any of you feel trapped knowing you may never experience passion again?

[violet1]

You state your H is willing to do anything to make the M work, correct? Have you discussed going to marriage counseling? It's sounds like you are in a complete state of lust. You lived in a little fantasy world with this artsy guy. Think about it realistically. How do you know you were in love with a man you never met? I strongly doubt it was love. You were feeling something new and exciting. I had an A too, except I got caught. I also thought I was in love, but looking back it wasn't love. Affairs do a number on your emotions.

 

Another thing, if you are going to stay married to your H you must tell him about the MM. This is why I strongly suggest marriage counseling. You can tell him during one of your sessions. He needs to know how unhappy you really are. You need to work on yourself. You can't expect others to make you happy. You need to find happiness within yourself before you can make another person happy. You will not find happiness with an affair. If anything you'll feel more pain and sorrow. The MM ignoring you is a blessing in disguise. Delete all his contact info, block him and do NOT contact again. It's time for you to own your actions and take charge of your life. No one else will do this for you. Please understand that you are not trapped. I believed that I was trapped too, but it wasn't true. If you feel like there's no possibility of regaining passion in your M than you need to end your M. Don't be a coward like me. Be a strong woman, tell your H the truth and work on being a better YOU!

[CarrieT]

I so need love, lust, passion.

Nope. You WANT love, love and passion.

 

I feel empty and have felt empty for years.

I don't entirely believe that. It is the current emptiness that you are projecting onto your marriage.

 

Have any of you experienced this feeling of helplessness? Don't any of you feel trapped knowing you may never experience passion again?

I know exactly what you are going through. I ended an 11-year relationship for a guy I met online exactly as you did. But -- and this is the important part -- what you are feeling and projecting is more inside you than it is in the other person.

 

You have built a fantasy life and love and passion in your head based on an internet illusion. In my case, it imploded (and the ending of that relationship is what brought me to LS).

 

You need to come clean to your husband and explain to him that you want to reignite the passion that brought you two together in the first place. Because the "passion" you had with the guy online is not real. Even if it can be created in real life, it never stays and can never be maintained.

 

You need to decide if you want to chase that illusiveness of the fantasy you created in your head or bring it back to a future with your husband. And then take steps towards that decision.

[Spectre]

I met him on Pinterest. He was an artist. I was a musician. We were both there to promote our work. I complimented his work, he complimented mine then he started to contact me privately. He introduced me to private boards and we started to send and pin erotic pictures to each other rather early on. It got inappropriate quicker than I expected. Because our connection was started by visual images, it was easy to get sucked into a fantasy realm with him. I also saw him flirt with other women but chose to ignore it. At first.

 

If I was your husband one of the things that would bother me the most is knowing some creepy guy on the internet has naked photos of my wife and that she willingly gave them.

 

I know you feel you had a connection, but you haven't met this guy..you don't know what he will or won't do.

 

I admired his talent and intelligence

 

I don't think a man who cheats with another woman online could be labeled intelligent.

 

ast forward to now. Finally, after my xMM flip flipping back and forth about whether or not we would finally meet and I cried last bucket of tears

I couldn't take it anymore. I contacted him non stop on a weekend he asked me not to. I knew that this would make him angry and I didn't have the backbone to break it off and I knew he would as a result. He wanted time away with the wife without letting me know where we stood, he wanted to tell me after the weekend was over. I wasn't going to wait any longer. The end. It worked he was enraged, and said he was done.

 

Since then I have suffered. I am trying to figure out what to do with my husband. To be reminded of what passion and lust feels like reminds me of how unhappy I am. I was a ripe candidate for an affair. I have felt isolated, bored and alone in my current relationship for a long time. I miss my affair partner and at this point he thinks I am nuts and isn't returning my emails. He loves his wife and doesn't love me I am certain regardless of what he said.

 

My husband never tries to seduce me, he is a very sweet guy and a great husband but his libido is very low and all he thinks about is work. He knows he has this problem but nothing changes. We are working on it but I feel so alone and sad. We both have gained weight over the past ten years and he has admitted to not being completely turned on by that. My xMM told me weight doesn't bother him, it made me long for him and to be with someone who wanted me as I am.

 

I so need love, lust, passion. I feel empty and have felt empty for years. I close my eyes and blank out when I do have sex with my husband. But I love him so much. A best friend.

 

I feel lost without passion. I feel like I am in jail. The person I fell in love with doesn't love me and I can't have him. I am married and won't experience passion ever again.

 

Have any of you experienced this feeling of helplessness? Don't any of you feel trapped knowing you may never experience passion again?

 

 

Do not speak to the online guy ever again and then go get some marriage counseling.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

If I was your husband one of the things that would bother me the most is knowing some creepy guy on the internet has naked photos of my wife and that she willingly gave them.

 

I know you feel you had a connection, but you haven't met this guy..you don't know what he will or won't do.

 

 

 

I don't think a man who cheats with another woman online could be labeled intelligent.

 

 

 

 

Do not speak to the online guy ever again and then go get some marriage counseling.

 

Thank you, I agree we should get counseling (we already were) and that I should not contact against.

 

To be more clear my xMM did not get naked pics of me. When we sent "erotic pics" to each other, it was of other people (like on Pinterest or Tumblr) however, he did send me pics of himself naked. He already knew what my face looked like because I have a ton of me out there for my music career. Even if I DID send naked pics of myself (which I did not) I wouldn't ever tell my husband, I see no point in that.

 

As far as intelligence, I am not saying he is emotionally intelligent, but he could read heavy Latin text and Shakespeare without skipping a beat. Not defending him, but the two are unrelated.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Nope. You WANT love, love and passion.

 

 

I don't entirely believe that. It is the current emptiness that you are projecting onto your marriage.

 

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I ended an 11-year relationship for a guy I met online exactly as you did. But -- and this is the important part -- what you are feeling and projecting is more inside you than it is in the other person.

 

You have built a fantasy life and love and passion in your head based on an internet illusion. In my case, it imploded (and the ending of that relationship is what brought me to LS).

 

You need to come clean to your husband and explain to him that you want to reignite the passion that brought you two together in the first place. Because the "passion" you had with the guy online is not real. Even if it can be created in real life, it never stays and can never be maintained.

 

You need to decide if you want to chase that illusiveness of the fantasy you created in your head or bring it back to a future with your husband. And then take steps towards that decision.

 

Thank too for responding. Some helpful advice.

 

I am curious, what is the difference between needing and wanting love and passion? I would say yes, I can survive without it, but can I be happy? I am not religious, so I don't the point of trying to exist in a marriage that doesn't have it, in some cultures sex is actually considered a physical need. All I can say is that the subject of what someone's needs are is subjective. For me, I am simply not happy without it which is good enough, I feel starved of attention.

 

I will admit that the affair brought these needs more to the forefront, but were indeed there for the entirety of our relationship. We were friends who married. "Passion at the beginning" was non existent. We have no passion to return to. We have to grow it somehow. For the entire time I have been with him I mentally remove myself from my body when we have sex. It feels terrible that I do, but because I love him, I stick around anyway. And he never seduces or flirts with me. Told me he doesn't find me as attractive as he used to. His libido has always been very low. I mean seriously. Is ribs supposed to be okay? How do I reignite something that was never lit? The only thing he thinks about constantly is his career.

Edited May 24, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Nope. You WANT love, love and passion.

 

 

I don't entirely believe that. It is the current emptiness that you are projecting onto your marriage.

 

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I ended an 11-year relationship for a guy I met online exactly as you did. But -- and this is the important part -- what you are feeling and projecting is more inside you than it is in the other person.

 

You have built a fantasy life and love and passion in your head based on an internet illusion. In my case, it imploded (and the ending of that relationship is what brought me to LS).

 

You need to come clean to your husband and explain to him that you want to reignite the passion that brought you two together in the first place. Because the "passion" you had with the guy online is not real. Even if it can be created in real life, it never stays and can never be maintained.

 

You need to decide if you want to chase that illusiveness of the fantasy you created in your head or bring it back to a future with your husband. And then take steps towards that decision.

 

Excellent advice here. Thank you. So on point.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I suppose one thing I am trying to get a clear picture on is that I read so many different opinions on the "tell the husband about the affair" aside from me getting a clear conscience over it all, since I know my husband would stay with me matter what, wouldn't it uselessly put him through pain? Can't we work through the problems without him suffering? I want to tell him for my own well being? But I never actually slept with the guy, so what is the point clearing guilt and hurting my husband?

 

I would hope I could get the gravity of the situation across without having to destroy him? And possibly endanger the xMM or hurt the xMM marriage.

[Scorpio Chick]

ConfusedMOW, I'm a bit envious that your Pinterest experience was so much more exciting than mine's ever been. To think I got excited when people re-pinned cute mice pictures I pinned! Sorry, just hopefully made you giggle a little, because I can read that you are really down in the dumps.

 

There is no way any husband or wife could EVER compete with a fantasy, and yes, that's what you and this artist had together. Even had y'all met up and had wild sex, your husband couldn't compete with that. AP's just don't live out a relationship in the context of this real world we live in, hence one of the biggest reasons they're so hard to give up. They're exciting! It's a no brainer.

 

It is very sweet and loving the way you talk about your husband, and it is sad to see that you seem to have a crystal ball and can know that there will never be any more excitement or passion. I think people look at passion and excitement as an end all and be all when that part just cannot last forever.

[violet1]

Nope. You WANT love, love and passion.

 

 

I don't entirely believe that. It is the current emptiness that you are projecting onto your marriage.

 

 

I know exactly what you are going through. I ended an 11-year relationship for a guy I met online exactly as you did. But -- and this is the important part -- what you are feeling and projecting is more inside you than it is in the other person.

 

You have built a fantasy life and love and passion in your head based on an internet illusion. In my case, it imploded (and the ending of that relationship is what brought me to LS).

 

You need to come clean to your husband and explain to him that you want to reignite the passion that brought you two together in the first place. Because the "passion" you had with the guy online is not real. Even if it can be created in real life, it never stays and can never be maintained.

 

You need to decide if you want to chase that illusiveness of the fantasy you created in your head or bring it back to a future with your husband. And then take steps towards that decision.

 

I suppose one thing I am trying to get a clear picture on is that I read so many different opinions on the "tell the husband about the affair" aside from me getting a clear conscience over it all, since I know my husband would stay with me matter what, wouldn't it uselessly put him through pain? Can't we work through the problems without him suffering? I want to tell him for my own well being? But I never actually slept with the guy, so what is the point clearing guilt and hurting my husband?

 

I would hope I could get the gravity of the situation across without having to destroy him? And possibly endanger the xMM or hurt the xMM marriage.

How do you know for a fact your H will stay with you? Didn't you discuss intimate details with the MM? You told the him you loved him. You considered leaving your H for him. Don't you think he should know that you got swept away by another man? You can't make your M any better if you're holding onto such a big secret. It sucks to hear, but if you don't tell your H than your M is a sham. It's also very likely you'll fall into another A without confession. Affairs are very intoxicating. You've had a little taste of the forbidden fruit. What's going to stop you the next time a man shows interest in you and your work?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

How do you know for a fact your H will stay with you? Didn't you discuss intimate details with the MM? You told the him you loved him. You considered leaving your H for him. Don't you think he should know that you got swept away by another man? You can't make your M any better if you're holding onto such a big secret. It sucks to hear, but if you don't tell your H than your M is a sham. It's also very likely you'll fall into another A without confession. Affairs are very intoxicating. You've had a little taste of the forbidden fruit. What's going to stop you the next time a man shows interest in you and your work?

 

Since this is so off topic, I am not sure why I am responding. I try to be respectful to all responses since time was spent typing, but seriously? It seems to me as if you just have a moralistic vendetta to play out. Betrayed spouse perhaps?

 

A sham? I still love my husband. It makes no difference that I loved someone else. I have been unhappy and sticking it out for years. I never actually slept with the guy.

 

I tried to suggest divorce to my husband before any of this happened and he threatened suicide. If you are tossing out random moralistic advice, tell me how to deal with THAT? Geezus get over yourself and don't assume that all marriages are painted with the same brush.

 

Affairs happen when a spouse is unhappy. Period

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

ConfusedMOW, I'm a bit envious that your Pinterest experience was so much more exciting than mine's ever been. To think I got excited when people re-pinned cute mice pictures I pinned! Sorry, just hopefully made you giggle a little, because I can read that you are really down in the dumps.

 

There is no way any husband or wife could EVER compete with a fantasy, and yes, that's what you and this artist had together. Even had y'all met up and had wild sex, your husband couldn't compete with that. AP's just don't live out a relationship in the context of this real world we live in, hence one of the biggest reasons they're so hard to give up. They're exciting! It's a no brainer.

 

It is very sweet and loving the way you talk about your husband, and it is sad to see that you seem to have a crystal ball and can know that there will never be any more excitement or passion. I think people look at passion and excitement as an end all and be all when that part just cannot last forever.

 

oh how I miss the innocence of Pinterest. I used to love that side. There is a very unknown and other side to that site that I had no idea existed until I met my xMM. Not to mention my xMM has 8k followers and only follows about 600 people half of them rather pretty girls. Something I didn't even really pay much attention to until we fully got suck in.

 

I agree, it wasn't real, my husband couldn't even compete with PreRaphaelite art, illuminated text, scholarly quotes etc.. It was like a meeting a lustful Lord Rochester from Jane Eyre. I was sucked up entirely and coming back to earth thus far has seemed impossible.

 

The problem with passion fading is that I wish we had it once. We never did. We don't even have sex very often. How is this ok?

[bubbaganoosh]

Since this is so off topic, I am not sure why I am responding. I try to be respectful to all responses since time was spent typing, but seriously? It seems to me as if you just have a moralistic vendetta to play out. Betrayed spouse perhaps?

 

A sham? I still love my husband. It makes no difference that I loved someone else. I have been unhappy and sticking it out for years. I never actually slept with the guy.

 

I tried to suggest divorce to my husband before any of this happened and he threatened suicide. If you are tossing out random moralistic advice, tell me how to deal with THAT? Geezus get over yourself and don't assume that all marriages are painted with the same brush.

 

Affairs happen when a spouse is unhappy. Period

 

Violet 1 has a point. If your going to have any chance at making your marriage work then honest plays a big part in it.

 

If your going to try to work it out with your husband, then you can't trickle truth the man.

 

IMO maybe the best thing to do is sit him down and make sure he's listening to you and let him know that your not happy and give him the reasons and let him know that he said he would do anything to keep you so tell him that so far he's only giving you lip service and that's not enough and he either steps up to the plate or there will be a divorce on the table and let him know in a way that your serious.

 

Now with that said, what happens if he finds out about your little EA? Don't say that he'll never find out. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day but these type of things have a habit of rearing their ugly heads and causing a whole lot of problems. Maybe 5 years down the line and to you it will be something that happened a long time ago but to him it will be brand new.

 

That's why when you talk to him you let him know that you had a text type relationship with this guy and it didn't and I repeat didn't go any farther than that but it could have. He ain't going to like what he here's but it might wake him up.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Violet 1 has a point. If your going to have any chance at making your marriage work then honest plays a big part in it.

 

If your going to try to work it out with your husband, then you can't trickle truth the man.

 

IMO maybe the best thing to do is sit him down and make sure he's listening to you and let him know that your not happy and give him the reasons and let him know that he said he would do anything to keep you so tell him that so far he's only giving you lip service and that's not enough and he either steps up to the plate or there will be a divorce on the table and let him know in a way that your serious.

 

Now with that said, what happens if he finds out about your little EA? Don't say that he'll never find out. Maybe not tomorrow or the next day but these type of things have a habit of rearing their ugly heads and causing a whole lot of problems. Maybe 5 years down the line and to you it will be something that happened a long time ago but to him it will be brand new.

 

That's why when you talk to him you let him know that you had a text type relationship with this guy and it didn't and I repeat didn't go any farther than that but it could have. He ain't going to like what he here's but it might wake him up.

 

I personally have struggled to want to tell him for my own peace of mind and to generate closeness. My counselor who has met both of us has suggested that I do not, that it would needlessly hurt him. For now, I take her advice, although I do see the rationality behind not keeping secrets in favor of closeness. But the only thing it would do would be make him more insecure, sad, incapable of leaving even if he wanted to (I practically support him) and desperate and alone. I am his best friend, HE is very satisfied. I am not.

 

I will mention that my husband although rather wonderful in a lot of ways has been using drugs for the past 10 years, hasn't been able to really pull his life together enough to save any money or even support himself, has told me in anger that I am too fat to get anyone else, has intimidated me by yelling me out of the house, has threatened my life, thrown things, dumped drinks on my head and more. He has never ONCE taken me on a date. Ever. I plan everything we do. For majority of the time together he never cleaned, did chores.

 

He has grown a lot in the past and I love him. But one of the reasons I have stayed with him is my unhealthy fear of abandonment and in many ways he has been a wonderful friend too. But at this point I have years of resentment that has grown.

[CarrieT]

My counselor who has met both of us has suggested that I do not, that it would needlessly hurt him.

Wow - I am blown away that a counselor would advise against truth in a marriage. That is so counter-intuitive to everything most of us have ever heard, suggested, or learned.

 

HE is very satisfied. I am not.

He needs to know you are not satisfied in the relationship.

 

I will mention that my husband although rather wonderful in a lot of ways has been using drugs for the past 10 years, hasn't been able to really pull his life together enough to save any money or even support himself, has told me in anger that I am too fat to get anyone else, has intimidated me by yelling me out of the house, has threatened my life, thrown things, dumped drinks on my head and more. He has never ONCE taken me on a date. Ever. I plan everything we do. For majority of the time together he never cleaned, did chores.

What you are describing is abuse. Is there a reason you are staying in the marriage?

 

He has grown a lot in the past and I love him. But one of the reasons I have stayed with him is my unhealthy fear of abandonment and in many ways he has been a wonderful friend too. But at this point I have years of resentment that has grown.

I believe you would benefit by a full separation or divorce. You are giving excuses why you are staying in the marriage and the emotional affair occurred because you have rationalized all the reasons of your husband's inadequacies.

 

Personally, I believe you should divorce and BE ON YOUR OWN. Again, that passion you experienced in your emotional affair was 99.99% self-created. That whole lusty Mr Rochester thing? I can't tell you how many times I've found guys that can create that fantasy because it is what many lonely women desire.

 

To give you some background, I'm one of the people here who have had in excess of 300 sexual partners. And my personal interests extend to art (yep, know the pre-Raphaelites well and traveled to Scotland to see many of the Burne-Jones personally - I also have an MFA, have created illuminated manuscripts, have artwork in a dozen galleries around the country, and went to cooking school), music (I sing a choir that is performing the Rachmaninov vespers in Russian and toured the U.K. in an orchestra on the French Horn), etc... I could go on but I wanted to give you an idea that I am erudite and intelligent. I also have a weight and self-worth issues.

 

You are in a dysfunctional relationship that is not healthy. But you also made a vow and you owe it to your husband to be honest with him; to either repair your marriage or to start the process of ending the marriage.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I forgot to mention in the original post that it wasn't all sex between me and the xMM. We talked a lot about our lives, supported each other, he inspired me to do more art, laughed a lot, I told him things I was vulnerable about and he did a bit with me too, although he was much more tight lipped. I wrote him love emails which he would call my novels. In which I told him a lot about myself. These emails are what I think wore him out ultimately. I just couldn't handle the roller coaster ride I was on so writing about it was the way I processed.

 

I just wish I didn't miss him so much.

[CarrieT]

I forgot to mention in the original post that it wasn't all sex between me and the xMM. We talked a lot about our lives, supported each other, he inspired me to do more art, laughed a lot, I told him things I was vulnerable about and he did a bit with me too, although he was much more tight lipped. I wrote him love emails which he would call my novels. In which I told him a lot about myself. These emails are what I think wore him out ultimately. I just couldn't handle the roller coaster ride I was on so writing about it was the way I processed.

These types of relationships always start this way. They rarely start with sex, but with the sharing of our inner beings. That is why you feel so vulnerable and hurt.

 

But the bottom line is what you said above DOES NOT MATTER. So you forgot to mention it in your original post... What does it change? Nothing.

 

You shared things with another who was not your husband. It was wrong. Time to fix it and move on; either in your marriage or on your own. That is the crux of the situation and continually to expand upon the breadth and depth of your affair does not change what was and what must be.

[violet1]

Since this is so off topic, I am not sure why I am responding. I try to be respectful to all responses since time was spent typing, but seriously? It seems to me as if you just have a moralistic vendetta to play out. Betrayed spouse perhaps?

 

A sham? I still love my husband. It makes no difference that I loved someone else. I have been unhappy and sticking it out for years. I never actually slept with the guy.

 

I tried to suggest divorce to my husband before any of this happened and he threatened suicide. If you are tossing out random moralistic advice, tell me how to deal with THAT? Geezus get over yourself and don't assume that all marriages are painted with the same brush.

 

Affairs happen when a spouse is unhappy. Period

I'm a WS. Members here told me the same advice I gave you. Yes, I was pissed off, but what they said was true. I'm not trying to upset you, but I've been where you're at. You don't seem to realize how big if deal this is. I used to say the same things that you did, "Affairs happen when a spouse is unhappy." I had 2 D Days. The first one I was caught and the second one I confessed. I know exactly how hard this is. My husband suffers from severe depression and I had the same worries. People here helped push me to confess and it was the right decision. I'm just trying to push you in the right direction. You can disregard my opinion if you would like. Best wishes to you and my sincere apologies for offending you.

Edited May 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I'm a WS. Members here told me the same advice I gave you. Yes, I was pissed off, but what they said was true. I'm not trying to upset you, but I've been where you're at. You don't seem to realize how big if deal this is. I used to say the same things that you did, "Affairs happen when a spouse is unhappy." I had 2 D Days. The first one I was caught and the second one I confessed. I know exactly how hard this is. My husband suffers from severe depression and I had the same worries. People here helped push me to confess and it was the right decision. I'm just trying to push you in the right direction. You can disregard my opinion if you would like. Best wishes to you and my sincere apologies for offending you.

 

 

Are you still married? That would helpe determine of all of this "right and wrong" is actually useful for not?

 

I appreciate the advice and if you think it will help me get closer to my hubby that is one thing, if it is about "doing the right thing?" I would say that that is ridiculous of a reason, I don't feel guilty for being human and having needs?

Edited May 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

These types of relationships always start this way. They rarely start with sex, but with the sharing of our inner beings. That is why you feel so vulnerable and hurt.

 

But the bottom line is what you said above DOES NOT MATTER. So you forgot to mention it in your original post... What does it change? Nothing.

 

You shared things with another who was not your husband. It was wrong. Time to fix it and move on; either in your marriage or on your own. That is the crux of the situation and continually to expand upon the breadth and depth of your affair does not change what was and what must be.

 

Okay, first of all, I wrote this before reading your response which I originally agreed with. For the most part. I was writing it as an aside because I could not edit my original post. It was not in response to YOU.

 

What is up with all of this "right" and "wrong" that I am reading here. Why is it that morals are measured by other people and by what standards? I personally think that exposing a hurtful subject to someone that doesn't need to feel hurt is MORE wrong than anything else.

 

Sigh, I guess the point of this place is to have you get a little whipping by people that feel it necessary to give their two cents.

 

I find it silly to deny the importance of sexuality and the need for passion and have that need trumped by "right" and "wrong" bit to each their own, if it makes you all feel better about your choices, so be it.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I will admit that at first I was thinking "okay I need to come clean perhaps I will have a closer relationship" but when I read deeper and realize it is all about "being right" or "not deceitful" it makes me realize that it has nothing to do with actually saving my marriage. You just want me to hurt my husband purely to do the right thing? This all seems like nonsense to me. He isn't religious either. And no I don't believe your husband or ANYONE for that matter needs to know every last bit about you if it is going to cause turmoil for them and for you. If it doesn't work, don't do it, what terrible advice! I can't help but wonder if any of you giving this advice actually are still married?

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

ConfusedmarriedOW< you won't find much solstice here. Regardless of you reasoning, thoughts, own hurt, or path you travelled to or during your affair you will always be labelled a CHEATER and your poor spouse deserve so much more that your pathetic attempt at love could ever provide.

 

I don't agree, but then I'm like you I believe if you are a man and you treat your wife like crap, ungrateful, get fat and disgusting, go hang with the boys every week, and leave her feeling empty and bored all the time. What do you think will happen? She is human? Guys will try to hit on her.....you should have treated her better, imo.

 

That doesn't absolve the cheater, but use some logic for gosh sake!! As far as your dilemma it's a toughy. I personally never get emotionally involved more than just friends because I do love my life and my wife.

 

I do bore of sex with the same person over and over. So, I stray from time to time. Very methodical, well planned, and discrete!

 

Best of luck take it to the grave!! You marriage will be eternally better with him not knowing that is a fact no one can deny!! The only caveat to that is if you marriage sucks so bad it is a wake up call for your spouse other than that take it to the grave!!

 

I actually agree with most of this. Being called a "cheater"? Eh who the heck cares? It is like calling someone who doesn't care about having brown hair a "brown haired person"

 

I didn't even sleep with the guy. I sure as hell wanted to though.

 

Thanks for being the ONLY honest person on here that admits that telling him would save the marriage and not hurt him. Yes, I will heed this AND my counselors and the many other advices I see on the web to not admit it.

 

And of course I am going to stray after what we went through? I feel zero guilt about it regardless of what anyone thinks.

 

So mean it is to have anyone suggest that I tear my relationship apart and someone who is a good man for the most part because they have some righteous vendetta. This has nothing to do with love

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Thus far the only side I have shown my husband is one of calmness and insisting we need change, and he seems to be rather satisfied, hence no divorce. Although I am sad this happened to you, it is not MY story. Although I am pretty certain confessing won't cause a divorce, it will cause him to feel pain and I see zero point hurting someone like that when it is only ME that has to suffer with guilt. Which I don't feel anyway. I don't like keeping secrets. No. Yes, it IS kindness to lie if you can spare hurting someone deeply. IMHO

 

I have sat silent and unhappy for years. As I said earlier when I would raise issues my H, he would get frighteningly angry and has threatened suicide when suggesting divorce and there was drug use on his end for much of the time which only heightened his irrationality. Which is why I forgive him for that.

 

Yet, this is on my shoulders somehow. Assuming you are a woman and not a gay ex married man, I find it astonishing you generalize about women and that you find reaching for solace outside when you are helpless on the inside in any way wrong. It is like slapping the hands of a starving person reaching for a pie in the window because it's "wrong" I am sorry if as a result you blame yourself for the demise of your marriage, but I would argue that perhaps YOUR husband didn't prime the pump enough and has now left you not only dumped, but also feeling guilty for you understandably reaching out and now you are eternally repenting when instead you should be dancing in the streets from freedom. I feel sorry for you and not your husband, women are treated like they are supposed to not have needs and live a noble, nun like existence while they suffer with needs and desires. And they have the burden of fixing everything too?

 

I agree that to have a fantasy that my husband can't match is unfair and indeed hurtful to the marriage. But I am also not mentioning that my xMM was 12 years older than my husband, is by far not as good looking, had a physical illness, but regardless I fell "in love" with him anyway because I loved his wit and WHO he was outside of this fantasy enhancement.

 

 

Its not kindness to mislead, lie to, and manipulate someone you claim to love.

 

Many of us have walked the path laid in front of you. Like you we didn't like hearing these kinds of things. Our stories fill the pages here.

 

I tried the route you want to take. My husband divorced me even without a confession or catching me. Why? Because like you my attitude sucked. You feel guilt you simply haven't processed it as guilt because your still wrapped up in being dumped by om.

 

The reasoning behind confession is you can't fix what you don't know is broken. As women, sometime we make half hearted attempts to communicate our issues or fail totally. This turns to resentment and the feeling of entitlement which leads to the affairs.

 

You somehow think this is no big deal because you didn't sleep with the guy. The problem is your judging and will continue to judge him against a fantasy. Having never really been with om he is in a sense the perfect man that you have created in your head.

 

Say you go to MC, what issues do you attack there?

[lovinDKT3]

You are totally missing the point and will have a long painful road ahead. Good luck

 

And please find a IC that doesn't allow so much blameshifting if your in IC at all, because the one you have is horrible.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

And for the record my ex and I are together and building a stronger more open and honest relationship then we had before. I'm no longer scared to tell him or share the things that I feared he would judge me for. This is a result of trusting him. Hopefully I can continue to build his trust in me. That can only be done with being open and honest. These are keys to having a close and intimate relationship. You can't get there if you harbor secrets that will rip the foundation right from under you by him finding a forgotten email or intercepting some form of communication from the other man. Blow up the run down house and do your best to rebuild a stronger one in its place.

 

Okay, well I am sad that you had to go through turmoil to get to this place. I am glad you are able to be honest about it, but how much torture and blame did you have to endure to finally get to this honest place? This place of "being ready?"

 

As long as I am dedicated to making our marriage work regardless of my very long standing frustrations or understandable straying, our foundation is still there. Both he and I are dedicated to working on it. We do have counseling and have books we are reading together.

 

But with that said, I miss and love my xMM and I cannot figure out how I will ever feel attracted to my husband who I also love! And he doesn't seem all that attracted to me either.

 

As far as him finding out? My xMM doesn't even want to talk to me because I pushed all of his boundaries toward the end, and I have deleted ALL correspondence. Not to mention both my husband and myself respect each other's privacy. I find this type of logic to hurt someone to not be helpful. No, my husband won't find out unless I shove it in his face.