Trickle Truth..

[jm2013]

Most likely every betrayed spouse here has been trickle truthed one way or another. Our spouses have only given "enough" information without having to give up all the details we would have liked to hear up front and process it all without having to question, investigate and just drag it out. How do all of you feel about the trickle truthing? You know your spouse had an affair but do you really care about ALL of the details? Maybe not down to the last drop of graphic details most here probably think about in the back of their heads and know it is most likely true.

 

I guess the main question is if your spouse has admitted to an affair do you feel they should "suppress" certain aspects of the affair to try and minimize even more emotional damage that has already been done?

 

I'd be curious to hear from some waywards as well. I know looking your spouse into their eyes and having to discuss the details may be daunting to some. Also, has the suppression of the details hampered your reconciliation if you tried to go that route?

Edited May 8, 2014 by jm2013

[yellowmaverick]

I did not need to know every detail. What I really needed to know was that he was willing to do whatever I needed to help me heal, even if it made him uncomfortable, even if it made him really confront what he did.

 

In the end, he stayed true to his PA, rugsweeping personality and wasn't willing to talk. I walked.

[Sub]

I wanted to know everything, and had to pry some of it out of her. But I understand why my WW didn't want to give up a lot of that info. It definitely hurt me, but at the same time, I think there was an element of embarrassment on her part. Partly because she thought it was all hidden in emails and chats that I discovered myself. Partly due to the actual content of the dialogue and the acts themselves. When the words that were spoken between her and the OM came out of my mouth, I could tell she wanted to crawl into a hole. To this day, she wonders how I could know what I know and still want to be with her.

 

I'm better off for knowing, and don't think things should be suppressed. If I didn't know, I'd just wonder and assume the worst anyway.

[painfullyobvious]

I didn't know or ever get all the details. The bad part is my mind filled in the details on their own. I got trickle truth and then a little more, etc. It got to the point that all I needed to know is that she cheated and was dishonest every step of the way. The details I did get from discovery and the minute details she revealed painted colorful images for my mind and what I thought happened.

 

In the end I stopped asking for details because all I needed to know was she was lying, unfaithful and cared little for what she did to me while she had fun. Infidelity is something you can never take back and it destroys trust and people effected. I sounds to my by the many stories here and from my own experience is that you may as well assume trickle truth and multiply whatever the affair partner says by at least three.

[notserene]

I think my WH was pretty honest with me. I wasn't interested in the details of their sexual adventures. There were one or two times when something that he said was inconsistent or at least came across that way (I.e., when I asked about times/dates). I don't think it was necessarily deliberate but it set me back anyway.

 

My WH seemed intensely ashamed and embarrassed by everything that he told me. it sounds like this is very typical - whether the confession is "voluntary" or prompted by a confrontation. I'm sure it seemed like fun while he was doing it, but when he thinks back and imagines another pair of eyes (mine) witnessing the two of them, it makes him feel like crawling into the proverbial hole.

[whatatangledweb]

My husband TT and it makes things so much worse. He minimized to protect me and to protect himself....was his reasoning. I wanted it all out except the sex details. I knew they had sex I didn't need to know what positions. It would have been easier to just rip the band aid off than slowly peel it back. Plus I feel betrayed and lied to every time it happened.

[BetrayedH]

I think TT ends more marriages than the affairs themselves.

 

As I said in your other thread; I could have forgiven the affair but I couldn't reconcile with someone actively lying to my face. TT is what really did us in.

 

As for details, some betrayed spouses need more, some need less. But no one needs to be married to someone that is still lying to them about their affair. I think it's unhealthy for the BS, for the WS, and for the marriage.

[drifter777]

For me, the TT has been digging details out of her. She thinks she's saving me from painful visions but has never understood I already have those visions and anything she holds back my imagination fills in anyway. The big stuff - who, when, where, how many - came out easily. The rest has been hell to get, although I still get a titbit out of her now and then and I consider this TT. What hurts when she does leak a little bit is knowing she withheld it and God knows what else she is holding back. There's no end to what I imagine when I can FEEL that she is not telling me everything.

[TheWalkingMan]

I find trickle truthing to be a horrible slap in the face from the other person. It's bad enough you cheated on me, but once that happens I am owed the full 100% truth about what went down and nothing less. It's a definite sign a person has not a single ounce of love or respect for me if they pull this trickle truth stuff.

 

It also ruins trust in the future too..because now you are always going to be wondering if you are being given the whole truth on certain situations or if there are details being left out. You will always wonder if you have gotten the entire story or just 3/4 of it, and that is no way to live.

[road]

The BS gets to control how much info they need. Questions that the BS never get answered will leave the BS still needing those answers. Even 30 + years later.

[bosunmate]

The BS gets to control how much info they need. Questions that the BS never get answered will leave the BS still needing those answers. Even 30 + years later.

 

 

 

It really must be maddening to think you have everything and then you get hit with more. Does it make it worse the longer the trickle keeps coming?

To me that would be the killer I think..

[janedoe67]

For me, the TT has been digging details out of her. She thinks she's saving me from painful visions but has never understood I already have those visions and anything she holds back my imagination fills in anyway. The big stuff - who, when, where, how many - came out easily. The rest has been hell to get, although I still get a titbit out of her now and then and I consider this TT. What hurts when she does leak a little bit is knowing she withheld it and God knows what else she is holding back. There's no end to what I imagine when I can FEEL that she is not telling me everything.

 

I don't understand this. When a BS says to the WS "I NEED to know this," the WS's job is to tell them, not to arrogantly assume they know best and withhold. If a BS wants to know, they deserve to know, whether the WS "thinks it's a good idea" or not.

[BetrayedH]

It really must be maddening to think you have everything and then you get hit with more. Does it make it worse the longer the trickle keeps coming?

To me that would be the killer I think..

 

Yes, it's maddening and the longer it goes, the worse it gets. Most people say it sets the trust level back to zero. Too many of these and it's gone forever. Reconciliation is too hard to keep starting over at square one.

 

I didn't press my wife for too many details and I only got TT'd once, but the TT I got at 8 months (thanks to my own discovery of it) did us in. It made the whole previous 8 months a lie and if there was anything I would no longer tolerate, it was the lying.

[jm2013]

I feel the same way about the lies. I just don't get it. I try and place myself in her shoes and can't seem to get her mentality down. It seems too idiotic for me to get into the mindsets of why she'd continue with the lies when she knows how far it has already gotten her. It seems logical for any wayward spouse to do. Have an affair and set the trust level to nothing then continue with lying when they supposedly want a reconciliation of their marriage. Seems legit.

 

My wife has taken a lot of time to make sure I'm comforted and doing little things for me even know I have not really displayed much of anything back at her. I'm just wondering when her breaking point is. It's the most difficult thing I have had to do in my life but I can't let my feelings get in the way of truths. As much as I would like to believe her I'd be pretty naive to honestly believe her after all the lies and suppression that have come forth since I started untangling her mess last October.

[dichotomy]

Simple answer

 

I want to know it all - all the details, every word, every thing because I will fill it in anyway with my own guesses which will likely be worst case possible anyway. I am also a person that wants the whole bucket of crap put on the table so we can get to cleaning it up together... or not. I want to fix it all at once. That's just me - but that never happened in my case.

 

Longer answer

 

My case was kind of unique. Of course my wife trickle truthed,and withheld and this cause all sorts of issues. I had to piece and stich it together from what I found in emails, form various minor real confessions from her, and some slip ups (her saying a truth accidentally) about what happened. I formed the truth as best I could and that's what I have.

 

But because our case was unique I wanted more information then perhaps I should get – since OM and her went way back before “us”…so technically I was only entitled to what happed while we were a couple, but the thread got very messy in her past before me – a tangled mess, and I kept wanting to know all of it - wanting to know who I married.

 

Lastly my wife has an unusual issue with memory, she sometimes hides, but other times her remembrance is faulty, either though denial, or wanting to see the past in a way that suits her now. This has been confirmed when she recalls stories or issues about me and our relationship that simply did not happen at all or not the way it happened -kind of strange they way she does this. She has said some real strange stuff that she honestly believes happened with me and her....

 

So the truth at this point will elude me forever, too much time has gone for details anyway. I struggle to live with and incomplete puzzle with guesses at the final pieces. Also with what truth I am allowed to have and what I am not allowed to have. Its been a major strain on the marriage in the past ,but much less now thanks to some good MC and some accountability on her end.... finally. I am happy with this progress. I think if we can resolve a remaining issue in our marriage - the frustration over "the truth" - will finally be closed out.

Edited May 21, 2014 by dichotomy

[Furious]

In my situation I had hired a PI. Ironically, I discovered more about the OW than my husband even knew.

 

Trickle truth is not just something the WS does to their betrayed spouse. The trickle truth is even more extreme between the affair partners.

 

Strange, how those in an affair believe they have the truth when it's a huge red flag that in order to cheat you must have the ability to be a good liar.

[sweet_pea]

I feel like trickle truth is especially painful because it's like a mini D-Day each time a new discovery/truth is revealed. It seems like once you've established some truth, for example, you work to process/heal/do what you need to move on/reconcile… and then boom! another truth/detail is revealed and that just sets you back again. Does that make sense? lol

[Trustnoone]

My WW began her confession with trickle truth. After talking nearly three hours and many tears I told her to go to sleep. When we were able to sit down the next evening I explained the trickle truth and how it felt to me. I told her if she wanted to torture me then continue confessing as you have. But my consequences will be that much more cruel in return. Within five minutes she confessed and after waiting almost four years I had the truth of the affair. To me personally the trickle truth showed how little respect she had for me, the marriage, and herself. The rage I felt was staggering as she told me we flirted, held hands, hugged, a quick peck on the cheek, we kissed, and on and on. I controlled my rage and looked like a duck on a pond. WW just finally caved and I got a full confession. Almost five months from d-day. Oh, the memories. At least my sarcasm remained intact.

[jwi71]

How do all of you feel about the trickle truthing? You know your spouse had an affair but do you really care about ALL of the details?

 

TT is self-defense mechanism to limit damage done - and sometimes in the vein of what you said about all the gory details - do you really need to know "whatever" the TT is about? What does it change? How does it help? Hurt? Typically, TT is a protective instinct - and yes, it can be to protect YOU and the M - the thought process being "this <detail> doesn't matter but to tell him the truth would only hurt - I'll just wash over that part". Very common thought process - and kind of touching in a sense (she is, in a sense (some might say misguided), seeking to minimize your pain).

 

What happens is then the BS feels betrayed yet again, an erasure of what fragile M that had been R to that date, and that everything is a lie. And the BS transforms into Perry Mason and conversations become interrogations and welcome to the death spiral. One interrogating and the other, quite humanly, feeling defensive and evasive - which tends to hamper truth telling imo - especially unpleasant truths - and the TT begins and we repeat until the BS says f_ck it, I quit - you can't tell the truth.

 

Well, to encourage telling the truth one must feel safe. And that's on you. No Perry Mason. Display healthy anger. Communicate. Encourage. Reconnect. Reconcile. The truth will come slowly and at HER pace - not yours. Tough Shyte. Deal with it. And, my advice, accept that the information is HERS to share and she will likely do that when she feels SAFE. So, help her feel safe. Its not asking a lot of you - don't explode, display anger and hurt in healthy ways, don't be perry mason, relax. Be a SAFE person to talk to. And, in time, you will be safe to talk to - and if you ARE safe to talk to - she won't lie (I wouldn't expect the whole truth though)

 

And yes, she will lie. You will NOT get the whole truth. You really only, imo, need three pieces of info: Do you love him? Did you have unprotected sexual intercourse? Do you want to remain in this M? Aside from that - its clutter - and we are all different - some can handle just those three with others needing every minute detail. I find the details really don't matter as much as we think. I mean, of course they had some level of feeling or connection, they liked f_cked, and the WS at least initially, wants to remain M. What else matters?

 

The goal is R yes? The reconciliation of you two and the recovery of the M? So, focus on that. Accept that some lies will be told. It doesn't mean the end of M - unless you want it to be. And nor should you construe that lies are healthy - what I'm saying is - you cant water-board the truth out of her. She will tell - or not. Since you CAN'T control that - don't worry about it. (You can INFLUENCE it by being...what...oh yeah, safe)

 

I would set aside some amount of time at some interval of time to talk about it. Say 60 mins thrice a week. And ask questions, take notes (yes, right in front of her if you must), be calm and talk. Listen. Listen more than talk. In between your talks - think of what she said - read between the lines, scribble Q's you have to ask in the next session together.

 

Date. Make love. Learn to communicate. Learn to handle emotions.

 

Become better individually and as a couple.

 

Ultimately, expect TT. Its NORMAL. We ALL do it - we all hide the "full truth" to protect others close to us (read that again, who do we TT?)

[road]

It really must be maddening to think you have everything and then you get hit with more. Does it make it worse the longer the trickle keeps coming?

To me that would be the killer I think..

 

 

 

To get trickle truthed though to get the whole truth did in the end meet the BS's need for the truth.

 

 

However to get trickle trothed and not get the whole truth is the problem. I did not even get twenty five percent if the truth.

[janedoe67]

BH did a good job with this. When he asked for more details and I was hesitant, he pretty much said, "Look, I already know the important thing, that you cheated. You committed adultery. There's not going to be some extra sentencing for telling me more details about what I need to know. If you can tell me the hard details about what I already know - that you had an affair - then I can actually START trying to trust you again." I thought that was good because it meant that telling him what was hard to tell him could actually help, and because I felt safe that he was not going to start all over with the punishment every time I told him something.

 

It's like the poster a little ways up said, he was smart enough and rational enough to know that if he wanted to know everything, as scared as I was (and yeah yeah yeah I brought it on myself), he was gonna have to make it safe for me to tell it, without wondering if doing what he ASKED me to do was going to bring down further wrath.

 

I mean, hey, a BS is well within their rights to start a new, violent tirade with every piece of information. But human nature will make someone cower and NOT want to talk with that looming. So it's pretty much a choice. You're not gonna change millenia of human nature, no matter how entitled to it you are.

[forbidden_love]

In my situation I had hired a PI. Ironically, I discovered more about the OW than my husband even knew.

 

Trickle truth is not just something the WS does to their betrayed spouse. The trickle truth is even more extreme between the affair partners.

 

Strange, how those in an affair believe they have the truth when it's a huge red flag that in order to cheat you must have the ability to be a good liar.

 

so you may as well say no one has any chance of ever getting the truth, BS or OW/OM. . So what is the point of trying to reconcile with a spouse who has had an affair like many do, if you feel that no one ever gets the truth ever. I think it depends on what how deep you are willing to dig or let them off the hook.

[jm2013]

There's a lot of logical answers in here. Thanks for all of the contributions. See, I'm at a weird point in life. Yes, I love my wife. Yes, I do think she does love me. I do understand that some things she'd probably rather keep to herself thinking it could be a deal breaker in any hope of a reconciliation. And like many have suggested this is a natural defense.

 

Some days I think I can get the strength to move forward and some days I feel like I go back to the starting line. But the pain gets reset all over again when you know your spouse continues to lie and lie to your face looking you into your eyes.

 

It makes you question who they are and confirm to yourself what they're capable of. We have taught them how to be better liars. Whether some really learn from the experience or take their new knowledge and apply it to another a fair that's a risk at stake. I suppose looking at the risks and divorce rates of second marriages can be even more alarming as well as still being in the 50/50 bracket for divorce coming right out of the gate.

[Furious]

so you may as well say no one has any chance of ever getting the truth, BS or OW/OM. . So what is the point of trying to reconcile with a spouse who has had an affair like many do, if you feel that no one ever gets the truth ever. I think it depends on what how deep you are willing to dig or let them off the hook.

 

 

Letting go, is getting the truth.

 

Walk away, don't buy into dysfunction.

[DasPope]

Before I even confronted my WW I was given some very good advice. Never let your WS know how much you know and get some solid evidence before the confrontation. That way they are never sure of what you already know and are less likely to go the TT route. Mind you WS usually are trying to avoid hurting their spouse further so naturally the first instinct would be to minimize things. My WW gave a full disclosure of her activities mainly because she didn't have the option not to do so.