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Trouble Getting over Wife's past one time indiscretion while we were dating


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 7th March 2018, 9:32 AM   #46
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You believe your then-girlfriend lied to you, and has continued to lie to you all of these years. She lied to you long ago, and she by not ever telling the truth since then, in essence, she continues to lie. She has never since then told the truth about it. That is a lot of lying, and for a very long time.

It is hard to feel like someone has truly apologized if the person continues to lie.

These are my opinions, of course.

Apparently you have never brought this up to your wife since then. I suggest you do so. I would suggest that one goal you want to reach in a marriage is to be able to tell each others their deepest feelings. Your wife is harboring a secret from you. You likewise are harboring a secret against her. Your secret is that you feel this way, it is important and serious to you, even though outsiders may feel it is trivial, and you kept your feelings secret from your wife.

Picture this: 30-40 years from now, your wife is in the hospital, and you are searching something she wants from your bedroom. You find a journal, and in the journal it mentions that your wife always thought that a certain lie, that you thought was trivial, but which your wife thought was a huge deal. And it has always bothered her. Wouldn't you wish your wife had told you about it previously, so you could have cleared the air and straighten it out once and for all, rather than let her bother her for almost her entire life?

Either your wife loves you enough to deal with how you feel about this, or she doesn't. It's OK if you do nothing about it, if you think she will want to get angry with you for feeling how you feel. But possibly these types of feelings are what have bothered you - not just that you thought she lied, but that you also feel like you can't bring it up or she will cause problems for your genuine feelings and troubles.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:37 AM   #47
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BP and dKt3...your responses prove the point of what I said in #5...
Quote:
or they were hurt so bad that they are having a hard time believing all women are not like the ones that hurt them
thanks for re-affirming it to him. I think your experiences are more on the worst case, extreme scenarios. Besides, look past your pain of betrayal and look at the demographics here.... most people with happy, functional marriages are not posting to love shack.

OP, who cares...we all have skeletons.

Last edited by standtall; 7th March 2018 at 10:40 AM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 11:43 AM   #48
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Originally Posted by standtall View Post
BP and dKt3...your responses prove the point of what I said in #5...

thanks for re-affirming it to him. I think your experiences are more on the worst case, extreme scenarios. Besides, look past your pain of betrayal and look at the demographics here.... most people with happy, functional marriages are not posting to love shack.

OP, who cares...we all have skeletons.
People that have no marriage problems are not here. The people
that have problems come her for answers. When a new member
comes here and they say they feel something in their gut.

What do we say, and based on real life experience, we tell them
the gut is never wrong. They don't want to believe us.

Then what happens?

They come back and say you guys were right my WS cheated.
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Old 7th March 2018, 12:19 PM   #49
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I do appreciate you opinion...

Quote:
Originally Posted by standtall View Post
BP and dKt3...your responses prove the point of what I said in #5...

thanks for re-affirming it to him. I think your experiences are more on the worst case, extreme scenarios. Besides, look past your pain of betrayal and look at the demographics here.... most people with happy, functional marriages are not posting to love shack.

OP, who cares...we all have skeletons.
I do appreciate you opinion... However I just could not disagree more.

Which, no offense, makes me think that you choose to rug sweep your future wife's infidelity under the rug.

And, if that works for you, that is great. I am happy for you.

However, a lot of people cannot. And the reason that they cannot is either/or/both that they rug swept or the wayward lied and trickled, which bring me to my point.

When they lie, or trickle, it is because they are of low moral character, or they are just liars. Neither of which is a good basis to build a relationship on.

Further, those guys that accept the Lying are usually the men that are the second place guys. And what is worse they think they got a prize.

And I am in no way saying that infidelity cannot be overcome, because it can. But for that to happen, it requires truth from the wayward and honest work from both parties.

When that does not occur, it is always best to cut your losses.

And just an FYI, I don't have any skeletons and any woman that I am with can ask everything except how many.

So I don't think either of our posts (mine or dtk) validate your point.

I think it invalidates it...
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Old 7th March 2018, 12:35 PM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
People that have no marriage problems are not here. The people
that have problems come her for answers. When a new member
comes here and they say they feel something in their gut.

What do we say, and based on real life experience, we tell them
the gut is never wrong. They don't want to believe us.

Then what happens?

They come back and say you guys were right my WS cheated.
Yea yea yea He is talking about something 20+ yrs go when they were DATING...not the same thing at all.

Is it that important for YOU to be right? It is not about you, but HIM. Try and be objective and leave these poor guys alone and stop feeding on their anguish and try to help them. The more you post, the more you prove the point that the betrayal you suffered is blinding you so much that you can't stop thinking about it. IMHO, you are just trying to blow up his marriage because yours did.


OP. you heard some opinions, not take some last advice and get off this forum.
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Old 7th March 2018, 12:46 PM   #51
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Ouch...Lets try to not T/J here...


That said... OP you are triggering for past events due to the current sitch. You do need some tools to deal with this even just to get through everyday life with. It sucks to be "on guard" every- single-day 24/7.
I think BP and Road are correct in that, the truth NEEDS to be examined. Maybe the way to examine it is a good point of contention, but still... I Hope that by adding the good stuff in the marriage and projecting a united "familial" front. You can open up to your wife and get some help and re-assurance. I know I would want that in mine.
I would love to hear about your conversation with her. And how she took you being forthright and transparent in your needs. Not accusatory like I said, just an intimate talk between two life partners....
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Old 7th March 2018, 1:39 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Fer_jo View Post
Thanks to all for the response. In this case I know that my children are mine.
I think that I didnít get the full truth prior. I also know at this point it really should not have any consequences to my life or marriage.

It does disappoint me that it happened at all, and that things probably went farther than admitted. I wish she had shown the same respect and restraint that I did many years ago (and still do to this day).

Those who eloquently stated it will continue to bother me and that Iíd probably come back every few years, are most likely correct.

Regarding IC, I did not proceed with itódonít know if I ever will.
You should get some counseling. Put this to bed and move on, never think of it again. Your wife made some bad decisions years ago in her early 20's. Who doesn't at that age? You have to let this go or you're gonna continue to let resentment build towards her. Forgive her and mean it.
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Old 7th March 2018, 7:41 PM   #53
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First off, you know she lied. First she said they had oral. Did they? Then she changed her story and sad they didnít. Or did they not? Both cannot be true. Why on earth would she want to confess if nothing happened? What were the circumstances of those conversations? Did she see recanting as the only way to keep you? I am also active on another forum. In no forum can I remember a spouse admit to everything. Even if there is undeniable proof. Further, if they say the just hugged they kissed. If they say they just kissed they had oral at least. If they admit oral that had full on sex. If the do admit to having sex one time but it wasnít any good, well, they had a full blown affair and sex many times.

Years later he figures out how to connect with her and calls? And all they ever did was not even oral on one date? Really?

This is killing your marriage. You can ask for a polygraph or you can go to counseling. To do either you are going to have some courage. I think you should go to counseling and quit obsessing. Damn few men are with wives that havenít been with several men.
Most prefer it that way. Donít ask donít tell.
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Old 7th March 2018, 7:45 PM   #54
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By the way, you are lying to your wife and have been for years. Youíre going around acting like everything is hunky dory and itís not. There is no way this insecurity isnít hurting your relationship and your family.
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Old 7th March 2018, 10:18 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by standtall View Post
take some last advice and get off this forum.
10 characters
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Old 9th March 2018, 4:30 AM   #56
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[QUOTE=Cullenbohannon;7553507]10 characters. ?????
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Old 9th March 2018, 5:30 AM   #57
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Hi Fer_Jo, I've read through your whole thread and have my own opinions about what is happening with you. The first thing is that when you first got back with your wife(GF) after a year of forced separation and you got to know of her indiscretion, you rug swept the whole thing without going into it in detail and holding your wife, then GF responsible for her behaviour and actions. From her side she was happy to reveal the bare minimum and expected you to be happy and satisfied with what she had offered you. That was like a palliative for a serious illness which just suppressed the matter but did not resolve it. Of course since it was just suppressed, it has been festering on the back burner of your mind for all these years. Four years after you were engaged and living together, your wife's beau (your classmate) called wanting to speak to her. When you identified yourself and told him you were engaged to her he called off abruptly. Your wife of course acted sheepishly. This incident triggered your festering questions and gave them renewed life. Instead of addressing them head on at that time you again rug swept them and put them on the back burner where you thought you would be safe from them. Of course that was a fallacious notion. Then at the fifteen year mark the husband of your wife's so called toxic friend who is supposed to have initiated her into cheating on you, contacted her and wanted to meet up. This guy was probably the same classmate of yours with whom she cheated. Your problem flared up again because it had been kept warm on the back burner. Now about twenty two years later( in 2014) you triggered again. This will keep happening every so often because you have not addressed the fundamental problem adequately.

I also think that your triggering in part, is due to your sub conscious mind trying to tell you that there is a problem regarding what has gone on with your wife. She may have been in contact with this beau of hers clandestinely or if not with him then with her toxic friend. Only you can investigate and establish the truth. Do not expect your wife to come clean. She has'nt done so in donkeys years and she isn't going to start now. You can ignore your sub conscious( gut feel) at your own risk but then with the kind of attitude you have displayed it is likely you will keep your head buried in the sand till reality catches up with you. Listen to Blues and others with experience of what goes on if you want to come out hurt less than necessary. It is entity up to you. Best wishes.
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Old 15th March 2018, 5:14 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.
Because unlike a mother, the father only has trust to go on that a child is actually his. When that trust is broken because the wife he trusted couldn’t keep her knees together he has the right to know without a doubt that his kids are his.

You are right about it not being the child’s fault. That belongs to the mother for screwing around with other men.
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Old 16th March 2018, 9:44 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
So what? SO WHAT if it didn't come out of you?

You raise a kid for ten years, the kid loves and trusts you, you are his dad, the center of his universe, and then you want to go 'Oh, never mind, technically you're someone else's DNA' and throw him off a cliff?

I am fine with people DNA testing infants if you want to be sure before you take someone into your family.

Anyone who would even consider throwing away an innocent child for something they had no part in is a despicable person.
Throw off a cliff.

How about we let the kid climb down, or lower him with a rope,
parachute, hang glide lesson, or just leave the kid at the top of
the cliff and let him hitch a ride and just forget the cliff?

A BH's need for a paternity test is real as any other need.
Because a man gets a paternity test done does not mean the
BH will through away the relationship with his son just
because the child is not his bio son.

To be angry over the need for a DNA test is wrong.
However it is right to be angry at the person that caused the need
for a DNA test to be done. The WW.
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