Wife Cheated .. Now what?

[zipp0]

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I’m seeking some advice and opinions from you all on my situation. I understand everyone is different and situations are different, but I’m just clueless to put it frank. Thank you in advance for reading my post and commenting.

 

My wife of 2 years cheated on me. No kids. This happened back in July and August (supposedly twice).

 

During the midst of all this, she compulsively lied about numerous things, even to the point where I 110% caught her in a lie and she denied it over and over to my face.

 

A lot of it has stemmed from marital issues that we never dealt with. So our marriage being rocky was the fault of both of us, but I never thought it was ‘that’ bad. We had wounds throughout course that we never resolved and all of it piled up and came to a head. It was at this point she completely changed into a different person.

 

Obviously, I’m going through a lot of emotions. Depression, insecurity, anger, and others.

 

I am 100% committed at fixing our marriage, because I feel like it was all my fault (even though the logical side of my brain tells me otherwise).

 

She doesn’t want to do counseling because she feels as if we’re doing “okay” right now. For the most part, we are. I have caught her in tiny lies and I saw a text from a co-worker that was inappropriate.

 

She gets mad if I look at her text messages, but says it’s okay for me to do so; therefore, I don’t look when she knows about it. I do know she deletes selective ones.

 

She cheated on her past relationships.

 

She was somewhat remorseful, but not to the extent that I would expect someone to be.

 

I feel like I can’t trust her, even though I’m trying. I’m constantly trying to catch her in a lie. In a sense, it’s almost as if I want her to mess up again. Am I nuts?

 

I can say without a doubt that I have fixed all of my “issues” she had with me and our marriage.

 

Part of me wants to file the divorce papers. Part of me says “no you’re just being over dramatic.” Part of me has a sense of “you’re a fool” or “you’re just a doormat.”

 

Am I just being too insecure? Not man enough? Am I not giving it enough time? All of this is completely unhealthy for me and it isn’t good for our relationship. I don’t deserve to feel like this but I’m just looking for ways to cope, get over it, or even move on. I just don’t know. I’m lost.

[elbe]

What's your home life like? Are you two emotionally close or kind of distant? Do you share interests or clash about everything?

[NotCamelot]

First......it is NOT your fault. You did not force her to do anything. SHE made that decision.

 

Second....I am very sorry you are going through this. You are in good company here. You will get lots of advice......some good, some bad. Choose what works for you. All marriages are different. Not everyone's advice is going to fit yours.

[fmrmarine]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate. Really though, no kids involved, you need to bail. Get a divorce. You can always get back together and re-marry, but for now, file and move on.

[zipp0]

What's your home life like? Are you two emotionally close or kind of distant? Do you share interests or clash about everything?

 

A little of both. We are attempting to get closer on the same "page" with our interests, likes, dislikes, etc. I feel my depression has hindered a lot of that in a way. But I'm working on that as well.

[BetrayedH]

If she's still lying, deleting texts, getting defensive, etc., then she's not truly remorseful and hasn't learned her lesson.

 

Your best bet is to pack her things and file for divorce. Get some space for your logical side to see that you'll be emotionally ok without her. If she shows sufficient remorse, you can always put a pause on the divorce proceedings. If she doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need. The problem you have is that your ego has taken a hell of a blow and so you're using cheap forgiveness as a damage control tool. This will worsen your sense of self-respect and frankly, it's not gained you respect from her either.

 

I'm a big fan of reconciliation but in this case, you're not reconciling; you're just staying married. Believe it or not, filing for divorce is your best shot at reconciling. It will either wake her up or it won't.

 

Good luck. Keep reading and posting. Welcome to the club no one asked to join.

[zipp0]

First......it is NOT your fault. You did not force her to do anything. SHE made that decision.

 

Second....I am very sorry you are going through this. You are in good company here. You will get lots of advice......some good, some bad. Choose what works for you. All marriages are different. Not everyone's advice is going to fit yours.

 

Thank you.

 

I keep telling myself that I'm a fool for even taking her back. I can say she was manipulative about it all, turning it all around making me believe it was all my fault. Despite my logical and rational thinking, I couldn't help to believe that it was my fault.

 

In a way, I want to get angry about it. But it seems I can't without feeling guilty.

 

This emotional roller coaster sucks!

[elbe]

A little of both. We are attempting to get closer on the same "page" with our interests, likes, dislikes, etc. I feel my depression has hindered a lot of that in a way. But I'm working on that as well.

 

If you really want to make this work, and if SHE really wants to make this work; you guys should commit to couples counseling. These things are complicated and you want to resolve it correctly and as soon as possible. Alternatively, the counselor will explore regions of the relationship that you wouldn't do independently and you will be able to make a more logical decision whether a divorce is necessary or whether you guys can work this through.

[zipp0]

If she's still lying, deleting texts, getting defensive, etc., then she's not truly remorseful and hasn't learned her lesson.

 

Your best bet is to pack her things and file for divorce. Get some space for your logical side to see that you'll be emotionally ok without her. If she shows sufficient remorse, you can always put a pause on the divorce proceedings. If she doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need. The problem you have is that your ego has taken a hell of a blow and so you're using cheap forgiveness as a damage control tool. This will worsen your sense of self-respect and frankly, it's not gained you respect from her either.

 

I'm a big fan of reconciliation but in this case, you're not reconciling; you're just staying married. Believe it or not, filing for divorce is your best shot at reconciling. It will either wake her up or it won't.

 

Good luck. Keep reading and posting. Welcome to the club no one asked to join.

 

 

Thank you very much for your input.

 

Part of me agrees with filing for divorce. Then in a way I feel guilty and somehow like the bad guy here.

 

I seriously feel like a wimpy little brat of a teenager that cannot man up and deal with this crap like I'm supposed to.

 

I've had a couple people tell me that I was more of a man than they were for even taking her back.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you very much for your input.

 

Part of me agrees with filing for divorce. Then in a way I feel guilty and somehow like the bad guy here.

 

I seriously feel like a wimpy little brat of a teenager that cannot man up and deal with this crap like I'm supposed to.

 

I've had a couple people tell me that I was more of a man than they were for even taking her back.

 

There's nothing wrong with forgiveness. Frankly, both reconciliation and divorce takescourage. But forgiveness has to be earned. Do you want to spend the rest of your days trying to catch her in lies? That's what you're in for if you forgive too easily or too quickly.

 

And you really have to stop blaming yourself. No marriage is perfect; there are always marital struggles. The only logical, healthy, and respectful options are to fix the marriage or leave it. She chose otherwise. You didn't make her take that route to solve your marital problems. In fact, you were in the same crappy marriage and didn't cheat. The choice to cheat on you was hers and hers alone. You get to own half the marital problems; she gets to own 100% of the choice to betray her spouse. You didn't get a vote. Now she either fixes her internal problem that causes her to take this option as a coping mechanism or you can expect that she'll continue to feel entitled to seek external validation and avoid conflict everytime you have a marital problem.

[RightThere]

She's still lying because she won't give you the full truth. It's pretty normal for cheaters to trickle truth you which could take a while before it all comes out. If she's remorseful, then it should come out faster.

 

If you're going to repair the marriage, then she has a lot of work to do, as do you. All the lying must stop. And if she doesn't like you checking on her this early on after D-Day, then she's not really remorseful yet.

 

Don't feel bad for taking your time to figure stuff out. You'll have a lot of up and down emotions for a while and could take weeks or a couple months before you can actually think straight (and when you have more of the real information).

 

Sorry this happened to you. Stay strong and keep posting.

[Bryanp]

1. She has cheated on all of her previous relationships. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You have married a serial cheater.

2. You have been married only two years and she has had sex with another man at least twice that you know of and put your health at risk for STD's.

3. She is constant liar and manipulator to you.

 

You need to face the facts in that you married the wrong woman. It is extremely doubtful that she will change her behavior. She really has very little respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[bobwhite007]

Sorry your going thru this. You sound like me. Just take it one day at a time and you will be ok. I'm gonna give it a few more weeks to bring It up again before I make any more decisions . Try and clear your head . Welcome to the club.

[harrybrown]

Start the 180. Read up about it.

 

She does not respect you. She sees no problem with cheating, especially when you sweep it under the rug.

 

You do not have kids. File for divorce and get tested for stds.

[bubbaganoosh]

A little of both. We are attempting to get closer on the same "page" with our interests, likes, dislikes, etc. I feel my depression has hindered a lot of that in a way. But I'm working on that as well.

 

OK. Now tell me how you can attempt to get closer and on the same page when, she wont do any counseling so it can help repair the marriage. She has sent a inappropriate text message to some other guy. You have caught her lying to you. What the hell difference does it make if it was a small, medium or large lie. It's still a lie and you can't repair a marriage when there is no truth. She also has a history of cheating so that in itself should tell you that her number one priority is her and you aren't.

 

So here's what it boils down to. You can pretend and she can pretend that everything is hunky dory and the minuet you turn your back, she's going to be pulling the same crap on you again and once again you'll try to come up with reasons to stay and live a real miserable life or get out of a bad situation and find someone down the road after the dust settles and have a happy life with someone who will give you the respect that you, me and everybody reading this thread knows you deserve. Your choice pal. You have to live with her, we don't.

[Debanked]

Wow. Two years is barely enough time for a marriage to get off the ground. Sorry you are going through this. She broke your trust in her and her marriage vows.

 

She has to want it to work. Full transparency, counseling and earning your trust back. Have a frank discussion about what you both want and how to move forward. Keep your cool and be level-headed about things. Counseling, even if just individual at first, may help to guide you.

 

One of the hardest things to get past when trust is broken is the feeling that she should be punished in some way for her bad behavior. Until you can accept and forgive, it hangs over the marriage like a dark cloud. You'll be on edge and so will she.

[painfullyobvious]

I agree with several of the posters here that this is awful early for a marriage to already be dealing with infidelity. She has a history of infidelity in her past relationships also not good for you if you are able to salvage this relationship. How do you remove thoughts from your head like she has cheated in the past, she has cheated on me when things got rocky and she has lied to you recently?

 

Here is what concerns me at the moment though. You want to reconcile and supposedly she does to. However, when reconciling look at the behaviors not the words. Its difficult when your heart is in a million pieces and its your spouse who crushed you and your heart. On to my point, when reconciling and moving towards building trust the cheating or wandering spouse should be fully transparent and wanting to prove your loyalty almost begging for you to check up on them as to say see, see I am changing for you. I am fighting to get you back. Check on me as you wish.

 

Your spouse is acting frustrated that you want to check her phone for texts. Why? Big red flag. Many years ago when my relationship was infested with infidelity similar situations involving "privacy" starting to come up shortly after we tried and reconciled. Once a spouse or partner cheats as far as I'm concerned their privacy in the past got them (now you) into the current situation you find yourself. Privacy is EARNED back not given.

 

My opinion you should be checking her phone, e-mails, computers with her. It should be like random drug testing. Honey I'm home I'd like your phone and if she complains remind her of what the role of reconciliation is and how she should be doing it right. I think if you feel like this is not working the way you think it should, get a counselor together. Another reason WS and cheaters dislike counseling is because in all honesty they are pretty good at smoozing the betrayed spouse or partner and an open, objective set of eyes and ears is something they just do not want.

 

Keep your eyes and ears peeled. Something is fishy here....

[Steadfast]

Reject it and file. If she loves you, really, the way a woman should love a man, if she wants you and can't stand the thought of living without you, she'll do all she can to make it right. Frankly, I doubt it. Cheaters don't love others nearly as much as they love themselves. That's the issue here. All of us have imperfections and issues we own. That does not justify cheating.

 

She has to fight for you; not the other way around. The strong man tosses that behind him for a person he can trust. Don't ask for anything less than you're willing to give. If you are faithful, you should demand nothing less.

 

You can't expect respect from others if you don't respect yourself.

 

To get the wife and marriage you want, to love and grow with a person to become a better person and a healthy couple, you must reject what she's doing in no uncertain terms. If she's there with you, willing and open, you have a chance. Your wife is not doing this and will not do it unless she desires to do it. You can't make her do it. She can't make you. What's left?

 

For most, it's months or years of angling, mistrust, worry and wondering. That is no way to live life and makes accomplishment nearly impossible.

 

Keep posting.

[aliveagain]

Friend, sorry for what you are going through but stop blaming yourself, nothing you did pushed her into another mans arms. She is broken yet refuse's help, my advice is "Run." She has cheated on past relations, guess what she is going to do to you? Your not even married two years and she's freely giving herself to other men, how are you going to keep her interested and faithful for a lifetime? Your hardly past the honeymoon and she's already openly dating.

 

Believe nothing she says at this time, cheaters are artful at deception and lying and this girl has your number and knows what buttons to push. She isn't transparent, she still hides things from you, these are not traits of a remorseful wayward spouse. Why are you even considering reconciliation with someone that isn't on her knees begging you for another chance? Talk to a lawyer because your in for a world of hurt with this one, a broke world of hurt to be exact. The statistics of a marriage surviving when infidelity happens this early in the marriage is very, very low specially when she isn't willing to do any of the hard work to fix the damage she has done.

 

This will be the easiest and cheapest time to get her out of your life. I guarantee you will be doing paternity test on your children if you stay with her. You deserve better than this, you deserve someone as committed to the marriage as you. Read up on the 180, start to make it your way of life, detach yourself from her, protect your finances and do not have unprotected sex with her. Last thing you right need now is a child with her or an STD, they always lie about using protection.

 

You will survive this even though it hurts badly, we were all where you are now at one time. She is a serial cheater and without professional long term help your marriage is doomed for failure. Save yourself years of hurt, talk to a lawyer, get her out.

[zipp0]

First, I’d like to say thank you for all the kind words and opinions. All of them are truly giving me different perspectives, which is what I need.

 

Perhaps some of my problem not only associated with my depression (and mixed emotions), but I feel that she is, at times, giving false hope in our marriage.

 

For instance, she will say and do specific things that make me think “well this is good, so things are looking good for us.”

 

Then she will do specific things that get me tore up, even if they are small things.

 

Essentially, I’m going from being “okay” and “managing” for a couple of weeks, to where I’m at now. In desperate need of advice and hurting. Naturally, I’m not eating or sleeping well while I’m contemplating all of this.

 

Some of the things that she is doing to get me tore up are things that I honestly believe she is doing unconsciously. For instance, she is meeting a guy in a public parking lot after work each day to take a smoke break. She tells me about it at times, but doesn’t disclose every single time, and has even made a small lie about “just now leaving work” when in fact she was sitting in the parking lot with him. This is not the same guy she cheated with. Of course she says they are friends. I don’t know what he looks like or know anything about him. She does have guy friends that I can honestly say that I don’t feel threatened by and sometimes they do make “remarks” that are questionable. But again, I honestly don’t have a problem with those guys because I know them and I know they aren’t a threat. This new guy is a stranger to me. A long story short, it was the type of “just friends” that started it all to begin with. The new guy is the one who has said something inappropriate and she was questioning it via text (which is how I found out).

 

She rarely at all texts him, even when she’s off from work or at work. (She gets 6 days off every other week). She only texts him when she’s getting off work to meet him. They don’t talk on the phone either. She only meets him for about 15 minutes.

 

Personally, I feel that she should realize that she shouldn’t be meeting any guy whatsoever in a parking lot, no matter how innocent it is or looks because of what has transpired recently. Am I being overly jealous? Controlling? Reasonable?

 

Why am I feeling guilty about all of this? Why am I feeling guilty about possibly filing for divorce when we do have those moments where things have seemed to be doing well? She has publicly made a statement about how she’s “thankful for second chances, etc.” Am I just being a big ole dummy?

 

By nature, I’m a passive person. Perhaps I’ve taken things too lightly in the beginning and now it’s catching up with me.

 

To add, communicating what "I expect" should be a given. However, I've already communicated of how I've felt over additional guys who I felt threaten by (one being her ex from years ago), and it's resulted in a tense argument of "where does it end!?" I know I can't keep punishing her, but I also can't keep living in fear and suspicion all the time.

Edited November 30, 2013 by zipp0

[whiterabbit46]

Meeting a guy in a parking lot, often times without telling you about it? After reading so many of these, the expression "we're just friends" is a HUGE red flag. Hate to say it, but it sounds like she's in the process of setting up her next round of cheating with a new "friend." Best watch her closely. If it gets too much for you, really seriously consider filing. It might wake her up.

[Debanked]

Don't blame yourself for problems in your marriage and her behavior. She is the one doing the damage. Married women don't meet, call or text other men. I agree with the previous post. Although before filing or taking a drastic step, talk it out and try to see what each of you want. If to stay together, set some boundaries and expectations.

 

Whatever you do, protect yourself.

[Artie Lang]

you are NOT in reconciliation, my friend. you need to wake up and smell the coffee- your wife is most likely still lying and TT'ing you. they my have even gone underground with this.

 

it sounds like she's only sorry she got caught and is doing the bare minimum to keep at bay.

 

if this OM is in a relationship, you need to inform his SO immediately! you need to expose this.

 

 

She was somewhat remorseful

 

this is not good enough.

[Steadfast]

This is just a little taste of what you'll be getting from now on. You know what she's capable of, so you'll suspect any/everyone. Who wouldn't?

 

Is this the life you want? Is this the best you can hope for? Is it?

 

She knows you're passive. She knows you will take a lot so she pushes the limits. You're feeling guilty because you are 'wired' to trust your wife and not be controlling, yet you are divided because she can't be trusted.

 

Read my first post to you again. Unless you like living in limbo, your decision to reject all of this will sway her one way or another. Do it.

 

Leave her and file. Say: "I do not choose to live like this".

 

Unless you want to live like that. In which case you'll be encouraged to "keep an eye on her", install a GPS on her car, snoop her phone or have her take a polygraph. Screw that. If you want healthy relationships, have relationships with healthy people. It isn't about her now. It's about you.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Some of the things that she is doing to get me tore up are things that I honestly believe she is doing unconsciously. For instance, she is meeting a guy in a public parking lot after work each day to take a smoke break. She tells me about it at times, but doesn’t disclose every single time, and has even made a small lie about “just now leaving work” when in fact she was sitting in the parking lot with him. This is not the same guy she cheated with. Of course she says they are friends. I don’t know what he looks like or know anything about him. She does have guy friends that I can honestly say that I don’t feel threatened by and sometimes they do make “remarks” that are questionable. But again, I honestly don’t have a problem with those guys because I know them and I know they aren’t a threat. This new guy is a stranger to me. A long story short, it was the type of “just friends” that started it all to begin with. The new guy is the one who has said something inappropriate and she was questioning it via text (which is how I found out).

 

 

She has publicly made a statement about how she’s “thankful for second chances, etc.” Am I just being a big ole dummy?

 

By nature, I’m a passive person. Perhaps I’ve taken things too lightly in the beginning and now it’s catching up with me.

 

To add, communicating what "I expect" should be a given. However, I've already communicated of how I've felt over additional guys who I felt threaten by (one being her ex from years ago), and it's resulted in a tense argument of "where does it end!?" I know I can't keep punishing her, but I also can't keep living in fear and suspicion all the time.

 

 

 

It would be controlling and unreasonable if she had not cheated. I am assuming you were not this way BEFORE she cheated. Now that she has cheated, it actually is quite normal for you to feel this way. It is not IRRATIONAL jealousy, she has in fact given you a very valid reason to feel as you do. In the same situation in the recent past, she did in fact cheat, so of course it is natural to feel that, given the same situation, there is a good chance you will get the same result.

 

 

Her question, where does it end? It ends when she behaves in a way that makes you believe she will not cheat again, when your trust has been restored. Certainly, seeing other guys alone to smoke, and having other guys making "inappropriate" remarks to her and her not putting them in their place, or cutting off contact with them, is NOT going to help you re-build trust.

 

 

If push came to shove, would she give up her smoking buddy in order to save her marriage to you?

 

 

Does she agree that if another man is hitting on her, she should let him no in no uncertain terms that she is not interested? And if the guy continues to hit on her after she lets him know that, that she should cut off all contact with him?

 

 

If you want to stay married to her, then you have to come to an agreement on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in your marriage. For example, having sex with someone else is not acceptable; keeping secrets from each other is not acceptable; encouraging sexual and romantic attention from others is not acceptable.

 

 

Without kids, only two years in, already dealing with infidelity, with a wife who doesn't seem to care about the trust issues that she caused - I would recommend setting a time limit on how long you are willing to stay married as long as you still feel this way about what she has done and what she is doing.