Blindsided by wife's EA with her direct workmate.

[HurtHalo79]

Long time lurker, first time poster here.

 

Sorry in advance if this is long, I’ll try and keep it as succinct as possible, but more than anything else, I hope this will prove cathartic to me in writing it; and might help other people who find themselves wondering about their own partners.

 

As background, my wife (29) and I (34) are both in the military (non-US), have been married nearly 2 years, and have an 18m old baby/toddler. About 6 months ago she posted into an HR role that was manned by her and another person of the same rank. Basically, they both sit side by side at the same desk, and share a combined inbox. The job basically involves putting out personnel ‘fires’ as they occur. Said workmate in this instance happens to be another male, but I though nothing of this; when you work in the military as a female, working closely with a lot of males is par for course. So I wasn’t worried. OM is also married with two very young children, although in a completely dysfunctional relationship with a wife who is medicated for depression (I wonder why in hindsight…more on that later)

 

Over the past month or two, I started to notice text messages from her workmate coming in after hours. Noting the nature of the job, I assumed they were about work, and kept my mouth shut. As the messages started coming more regularly, I made comments on the fact that work should be left at work, and outside of an emergency, there was no reason for this guy to be messaging at the frequency he was. I was shown messages (and they did pertain to work), was reassured that they were just ‘snowed under’ at the moment, and so I again kept my mouth shut. Why would I not trust my wife?

 

D-DAY

 

Anyway, I found out on the 5th of Nov that my wife was having an EA with said workmate. I only found this out because as I was going to bed that night, I found her sitting cross legged on the bed in distress. She managed to spurt out nervously that when I got to work the next morning, there would be an Email from her workmate’s wife waiting for me on my work address informing me that the two of them had been involved in an EA, after OM’s wife found an inappropriate text from my wife on OM’s phone that crossed the boundaries of friendship. As I asked her what the wife’s Email would tell me, I just shut down. It turns out that she confessed to them making out ‘once’ while during a lunchtime run a few weeks ago, but that nothing else had happened. Incidentally, they went on this run to try and talk about reining in the relationship, as they both realised it was going too far. They must have put a lot of effort into that talk! I broke into tears, and felt immediately sick. After yelling at her, I went to the spare room and sobbed. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep that night and hightailed it a friend’s place for the next four nights.

 

The day after was worse. I read the Email and tried to sit at my desk and appear normal. My heart was pounding in my throat, and I felt like I was going to vomit. How could she do this? How could THEY do this, they’re both married!? His wife told me about their history; how they were already in therapy over his previous dalliances (including a combination of over EIGHT women, some of them prostitutes), and she also told me how she had been trying to contact me through Facebook and Hotmail to let me know, but that OM had warned my wife to monitor my accounts and delete the messages as she sent them. The fact that my wife was actively deleting these messages angers me to no end. She also told me that OM suggested to her that it was pointless contacting me, as my wife and I ‘had an open marriage’ and that I wouldn’t care anyway. My wife denies ever saying this to OM, and so I am left to believe that this may have been his way of heading the situation off so that I wouldn’t find out. Prior to me finding out, OM’s wife even posted a screen-grabbed picture of their inappropriate texts on my wife’s own FB page which got taken down after 7 mins. I have no idea if anyone saw it, but this goes to show the level of damage control that was going on to avoid me finding out.

 

Determined to find more, and shocked by the level of invasion into my own FB/Email, I jumped onto our computer to investigate. I brought up the logs of our Internet history and found that the night after I found out, my wife had changed her Hotmail password….a password she has had for 3+ years. I also restored all of my FB/Hotmail archives and found all of OM’s wife’s repeated attempts to inform me. My rage by this stage, knew no bounds. I called my wife at work and immediately demanded her password. I knew that looking through her inbox would only hurt more, but I had to know. I read about three Emails before I logged out in tears. She intimated that ‘she didn’t know if she could stop feeling the way she did when he posted out in December’, that she had ‘tried on his last name in her head’ and the biggest blow to my heart, that she ‘thought she might be in love with him’. There was nothing sexual or explicit in the emails, but the emotions involved were disgusting. I lost it at this stage, I rang my mother and broke down to her, I also rang her parents and told them everything as well. Her father is ex-military as well (and very religious), and he was mortified. Her mother was in tears. What’s worse is that when the wife discovered what was going on and was trying to tell me, their EA only escalated if anything via Email. Why would they be so self-destructive, even in the face of being caught by the one person they were so desperately trying to avoid finding out….namely, me!

 

I called my wife immediately and told her I was divorcing her, although I ultimately think the threat was more to scare her, and give myself some thing to focus on. I rang a lawyer and had a free consult to determine a theoretical way ahead. My wife came home from work in tears immediately and tried to convince me to stay, apologising profusely as she did. I told her that if we were to have any chance of staying together, she needed to:

1. Cut all contact with this germ, and

2. Move out of her current job/workplace.

 

I told her that this was non-negotiable, and any breakage of these simple requests would lead to me walking out. She agreed (this was on the Friday), but later informed me that their supervisor at work was loathe to move them, as they were extremely busy. Not good enough. I wrote an email to the supervisor (who is one rank higher than me) and told them their management of the situation was not up to our regulations, nor in the interests of both marriages. She was moved into another part of the office, but they still shared the same inbox. Still not good enough from my point of view, and so she moved locations to another job completely. In line with normal cheater behaviour, I was ‘unreasonable’ for requesting this apparently as there was going to be no issue with them working in the same floor/building. Ha.

 

OM's wife and I were by this stage comparing stories to try and see how far the rabbit hole went. She was pretty sure they hadn't slept together, as he claimed 'it wasn't like that'. I got the same story from my wife and nothing in their Emails to each other indicated anything different. His wife texted me and stated that he eventually confessed to them going for a run and making out on four occasions. I was at home, and my heart started thumping in my chest. Suddenly, what I was led to believe was a one-time mistake (which was bad enough) had now escalated to pre-meditated physical and emotional cheating...no matter how 'innocuous' they thought making out might have been. Questioning my wife, she reluctantly admitted to it. I lost it at this point and left the house in a blaze of screeching tyres. I sobbed on the side of the road about a kilometre away for a good 30 minutes.

 

I found out she had sent him a ‘closure’ poem last week (WTF) that she found online, and all contact has (apparently) ceased. I SMSed him and let him no in no uncertain terms that he would require some extensive dentistry if he contacted my wife again and he said he understood. He promptly got drunk at a work function (my wife didn’t attend) and sent her more drunken texts saying ‘I wish we could go back to just being able to be friends’…and so I reminded him again by getting in my car and telling his wife I was on the way over (and trust me, I’m not a violent guy at all). This had the desired effect. Interestingly, his wife told me he didn’t return until 3am that morning, and admitted to sleeping with a hooker that night while drunk. Classy guy.

 

Amusingly, I am pretty sure his wife made a pass at me, after she suggested ‘I come over for a wine to talk it over with her’. I politely declined, and let my wife know. Apparently SHE has cheated on him twice during their marriage as well (they’re 26, highschool sweethearts), and I want nothing more to do with them. They are both toxic.

 

AFTERMATH

 

She self-referred to a psychologist this week as she admits her actions have been utterly reprehensible, and there is probably some underlying reason for it that she isn’t aware of. We have booked into marriage counselling next week, which I am strangely looking forward to. She admits she got totally suckered into his problems, and by the time she realised that the EA was occurring, they were in too deep. I moved back home four days after D-Day, and I swing between fits of rage (non-physical) and bouts of sobbing when I picture him making out with my wife…I suppose that’s normal.

 

What I am finding extremely tough to reconcile is her use of the word ‘love’ in her emails to him to describe their tryst. She admits this was not her intention (pfff why write it) and that the ‘fantasy got out on control’. She has pleaded with me not to divorce her, that she loves me and that she will work for however long it takes to restore my trust in her. I am also pissed off about her fantasising about his surname, and this is a bit of a sticking point as my wife still hasn’t gotten around to changing her name to mine…basically due to admitted laziness with the plethora of paperwork required. Taking my surname isn’t an issue (I really don’t care that much); it’s the fact that she was considering his in a fantastical email that angers me. It shows where her priority was at the time. The third thing that angers me is the lying to minimise the aftermath. I have given them multiple times to tell the entire truth and yet the story has changed about three times. My wife admits that she was trying to shield me from things such as the Emails (which she is apparently horrified that she partook in) and that she was an idiot to think it wasn’t all going to come out.

 

The poem concerns me too…leaves a little too many question marks in my head, and having studied English at uni, my analysis of the words as ‘closure’ were a little different to hers. Regardless, I realise that these two were ‘addicted’ to their delusion, and that cutting all contact was going to be messy. Thank goodness that has happened. She SMSed me today to tell me at work that she had to go to their office for a meeting today, and not to stress, she would avoid him while she was there. At least she’s being open and honest I guess.

 

Today (2 weeks on) it has hit her hard. She was in tears at her new job all day, and came home and just wanted to be held. I truly believe she is sorry, but why did it take this point for her (and the OM) to realise what the stakes were in their tawdry game? Surely they knew divorce was one of the cards that could be played. I went and got a sexual health check today, and she rang me to see how my day was going. I said 'I'm sheepishly doing something I never thought I'd ever have to do' and she broke down. She kept emphasising that they never had sex, and as much as I believe that to be true, her words are effectively wind until she regains my trust.

 

WHY?

 

Now I’m left with the acceptance. Why did this happen? I cook, I clean, we share the parenting equally, I’m in great shape, my wife admits she gets slightly jealous (if not a little turned on) when she catches women eyeing me in public (news to me!), I’m well educated and I provide for the family…as she does to her credit. This guy is a baby-faced wanker with a sordid history of infidelity, and possibly a few latent STDs to boot (purely conjecture…but hey, a man can dream). My brother Face-stalked this clown and his wife remarked, ‘Wow…if you’re going to have an affair, at least do it with someone decent looking?!?’ So what gives? Is this normal? I suspect that my wife fell straight into getting too involved with this guy’s problems, and the EA resulted.

 

I’m still angry and confused, and while we’re in the same bed (and still being intimate), last night I couldn’t abide her touching me. I don’t want to drive her away, but I need to digest this. I got in my car and just drove last night, I had to have some time with my thoughts. I am hopeful that counselling will help us, and I am pragmatic enough to believe that we will look back on this in a few years and laugh. But I am so angry, and so hurt right now. The fact that they never escalated this to sexual is some solace, but not much. She wants us to get help, and she says she is mortified that she allowed this to happen. The only reason she can give me is that she has just gotten her 'baby body' back, and it was all purely (and selfishly) ego-driven. I want to believe her, but she needs help. We both do. She has initiated NC with said jerk, and wants us to R.....desperately. She admits that he is damaged goods and that she was an idiot for putting myself and our daughter in this situation. I want to R, and I am optimistic...but I am absolutely devastated at the lack of trust I now (for now anyway) have to have in her.

 

Thoughts? I’d especially like to hear thoughts on this line:

Q. Why would they continue to be so self-destructive with the EA over the weekend, even knowing his wife had found out and was trying to contact me to let me know (which she did by the Tuesday?) They have both stated that they never intended to leave their partners, so what gives? WHY DO IT?!

 

Apologies for the length and thank you very much for taking the time to read it.

Edited November 18, 2013 by HurtHalo79

[carhill]

Why would they continue to be so self-destructive with the EA over the weekend, even knowing his wife had found out and was trying to contact me to let me know (which she did by the Tuesday?) They have both stated that they never intended to leave their partners, so what gives? WHY DO IT?!

 

Insufficient consequences, IMO. Get JAG involved and see if/how it changes.

 

EA's are predominantly 'distance' type affairs, or affairs where the partners engage in little to no proximate contact. PA's, as indicated by the P, are physical affairs, where physical contact is shared. This can be as innocent as hugs or 'friendly' non-sexual kisses, or as non-innocent as full-on genital contact. The demarcation is 'feelings'. We all hug and kiss friends and family with affection, as examples. That's normal human behavior. In an affair, there is behavior, and feelings, that are inappropriate with the affair partner which wouldn't be inappropriate if it were not an affair partner.

 

'Why's' in these things pretty much boils down to whoever cares the least versus who cares the most and also the dynamic of the perps knowing with near certainty that you'll be disinclined morally and legally from terminating them, so they continue as they see fit. That's really all it boils down to. Getting away with what one can get away with before dad shows up with the belt, like a child. That's not an indictment, rather one explanation of how our psychology works in such matters. Where did I learn this from? Our MC, during his challenges of my EA. Life's about learning.

 

Good luck and my sympathies.

[carhill]

(non-US)

 

OP, my apologies for missing this. I presumed you were US military. However, if there is a military justice system in your military, I'd suggest investigating recourse through that system. The administrative and justice systems in military organizations can mete out consequences which can be quite motivating to promoting conforming behaviors in their ranks.

[painfullyobvious]

Keep your eyes open for "trickle" truth involving this affair. If there was kissing, statement of feelings there is a chance that more information will be forthcoming involving the true nature of their affair. Wandering spouses rarely initially tell you everything. They attempt to gauge what you know and tell you very little above and beyond that. Sorry you are going through this:sick:

[Bryanp]

You have been married only 2 years and now this? She was very manipulated in deleting emails that was sent to you so she could continue the affair and say how much she loved him. My friend this was not an EA. She made out with him which by definition means it is a PA.

 

I would look very strongly at whether this is a type of person that you really want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with. She clearly is a very untrustworthy individual. I am very sorry for you.

[harrybrown]

editSometimes WW will lie to protect themselves and think they are protecting their spouse.

 

Have your wife write a timeline and diary of the affair for you. Tell her that sometimes it can take years to get over the betrayal.

 

If they made out, sometimes they had sex. Has she been tested for stds?

 

Is she willing to give you all the truth and take a lie detector test about your questions?

 

Have her sign an agreement that if she cheats again, she gets no alimony.

 

How would she feel if you had the affair? Does she really want an open marriage? That never helps a marriage!

Edited November 18, 2013 by harrybrown
edit

[aliveagain]

The only "why" reason I can come up with is that she is/was addicted to the emotional attention he was giving her. She stopped seeking validation from you and replaced that need with him. It's all fantasy, she doesn't worry about mortgages, car payments or paying the utilities with him so none of the everyday stress's interfere with their fantasy. The best way to destroy that fantasy is with exposure, affairs thrive in the dark, they have mystery, they require planing, it's done behind your back, it's their special secret which adds to the attraction. Telling her you want a divorce was a real shot of reality. Now you have her thinking about what she is about to loose, you forced her to evaluate the two of you, no external man can ever love or treat her child as well as you, her father.

 

They always affair down, if she had self esteem issues it is not uncommon for them to seek out others with more problems than themselves to boost their ego's. It does sound like they were caught before they took the physical part of the relationship to intercourse. Men seem to have a much harder time with reconciliation knowing that his spouse has been exchanging body fluids with another man, nothing sexy about that statement because that is all it is. Some women have a hard time understanding men when it comes to staking and marking their territory, just look at the animal kingdom. It hurts to know she gave it away freely after promising you the paternity of your children. Had the affair not been discovered the potential that sex would happen is much higher than the percentages we give for a marriage making it.

 

There is something broken in her, she needs to find out why she allowed this known predator into your marriage. Why did she need outside validation, why yours wasn't enough? She will need professional help, the military can help her with this. Marriage counselling for the two of you with someone that has experience with infidelity. You need to remove this cancer from the military because with his history he is going to do this again. This will probably cause a problem for your wife, perhaps a demotion, but they can not work together. Finally, none of this was about you, you didn't push her into his arms, she owns this, it was her conscious choice to do this.

[bubbaganoosh]

I got a feeling that there is a lot more you don't know. The only reason you found out in the first place is because he and she got busted. If not, it would still be going on.

 

It's funny how she can say she's falling in love with the guy, then gets busted and tells you that she loves you. Kind of makes you feel like your the fall back guy.

 

IMO, I would be very wary about her and anything she says to take it with a grain of salt. She had a EA in her opinion and when your making out with the OM, it's no longer an EA but now it's a PA and for how long it's been going on, you just can't shut it down and go cold turkey. If it was me, she would be gone and done with. The trust is gone and to find out that she's in love with the OM, to me is a deal breaker along with the affair.

[Realist3]

They have both stated that they never intended to leave their partners, so what gives? WHY DO IT?!

 

Because each one offered the other something their spouses do not or cannot provide. That is not to suggest it is your fault, but they found something within each other that satisfied a need.

[Mr. Lucky]

I got a feeling that there is a lot more you don't know.

 

Absolutely true. Why would you accept her - and his - statement that nothing more happened at face value when they've both lied their *ss off to the respective spouses ???

 

I'd believe that "he eventually confessed to them going for a run and making out on four occasions" if they were 10 years old. They're not and with adults things escalate more quickly that that. Any decision you make or action you take going forward should be based on the assumption they've slept together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HurtHalo79]

Absolutely true. Why would you accept her - and his - statement that nothing more happened at face value when they've both lied their *ss off to the respective spouses ???

 

I'd believe that "he eventually confessed to them going for a run and making out on four occasions" if they were 10 years old. They're not and with adults things escalate more quickly that that. Any decision you make or action you take going forward should be based on the assumption they've slept together...

 

Funny you say that, I had a bit of a fight with her last night after I came to bed and told her that I was angry that I felt the need to go and have an STD test. She kept saying that 'it never happened' and that the only thing the test would prove was that I was fine....but that she understood why I would want to go and have it done. She tried to joke and say that if there was anything on the test that was positive, that I would be the one that would be in more trouble. Points for trying I guess. My argument was that she kept telling me for 2.5 months that their texts were purely work related, that they only made out once during a lunchtime run (which turned into 4) and so I had the right to suspect the worst.

 

We got talking about the affair and I told her that despite the lies, the thing that hurt me the most was that those 2.5 months were months I would never get back out of the relationship, that there are 2.5 months where I wasn't enough for her and where she was focused on falling in love with someone else. She looked ashamed and agreed. Sadly, I got a bit more heated when she tried to suggest that me being nocturnal on occasion (sometimes I stay up because she goes to bed early) was what drove her to seek out emotions from someone else. Now I'm not going to say I am THE PERFECT husband, but staying up late sometimes and watching hockey/reading isn't even remotely equitable to cheating.

 

Needless to say I just grabbed my water and moved to sleep in the spare room, with her pleading for me to come back to bed.

 

I'm walking a fine tightrope here with trying to nurture and facilitate a R, and trying to get my anger out.

 

Thank you so much to those that replied, there is some excellent advice here and I am very thankful for the friendship/care you've extended by doing so.

[tom670]

Absolutely true. Why would you accept her - and his - statement that nothing more happened at face value when they've both lied their *ss off to the respective spouses ???

 

I'd believe that "he eventually confessed to them going for a run and making out on four occasions" if they were 10 years old. They're not and with adults things escalate more quickly that that. Any decision you make or action you take going forward should be based on the assumption they've slept together...

 

Mr. Lucky

You could threaten her with a polygraph test then pay attention to her reaction.

You may get the "parking lot confession" before the test.

[aliveagain]

It is not up to you to believe her about not having sex, it's up to her to prove to you they didn't. Just tell her she has one chance to tell you the truth and you are booking a polygraph test, if anything new is discovered you will serve her with divorce. Than ask her again if there is anything else she needs to tell you before you make the appointment? Remember, she didn't tell you about her infidelity because of remorse, she only told you because she was busted. She knew things would be worse for her if the O/W had got to you first, she did her best to block her, deleting private emails to you telling you about their cheating ass's. She is not a trustworthy source of information, she protected POS O/M over you. I will bet money you will hear about more sh*t. The two of them rehearsed their stories in case they got caught, she would have taken this information to her grave. Book the poly.

[harrybrown]

How would she feel if you had the affair?

 

Have her write a timeline and a diary of the affair. She is still in the affair fog.

 

Sometimes when you file for divorce, she may wake up out of the fog. She may not.

 

But she will see that there are consequences to cheating. Has she been tested for stds?

[HurtHalo79]

Sometimes when you file for divorce, she may wake up out of the fog. She may not.

 

But she will see that there are consequences to cheating. Has she been tested for stds?

 

I have already seen a lawyer (as a sanity check) and I think that made her realise what was at stake. Her initial argument was that she didn't realise that it had slipped into the realms of an affair (she does now), and that thinking on it now, risking us and her daughter makes her feel sick.

 

On the STD front, she swears over and over that they never had sex. She SMSed me today and said 'for what it's worth, this is the one thing I want you to know if true. I never slept with him, and never would have.' While I am dubious (I have to be), I tend to believe her as 1. they both didn't want to noting it was purely an escapism-based workplace affair (and all of their intercepted email/SMS correspondence that OMW and I have shared pretty much backs this up), and 2. for everything she may be, she never screws around with health. This is the same woman who admitted to me when we first started going out that she caught an STD in her uni years and went out of her way to tell her past few partners that one of them might have had it.

 

The funny thing is, she says that this guy didn't attract her sexually at all. As a male, I really don't get it.

 

Her parents are coming to stay this weekend....I'm standing by for a lot of tears on her behalf as they will give it to her with both barrels. They've raised her better than this and they are completely on my side.

Edited November 19, 2013 by HurtHalo79

[aliveagain]

I have already seen a lawyer (as a sanity check) and I think that made her realise what was at stake. Her initial argument was that she didn't realise that it had slipped into the realms of an affair (she does now), and that thinking on it now, risking us and her daughter makes her feel sick.

 

On the STD front, she swears over and over that they never had sex. She SMSed me today and said 'for what it's worth, this is the one thing I want you to know if true. I never slept with him, and never would have.' While I am dubious (I have to be), I tend to believe her as 1. they both didn't want to noting it was purely an escapism-based workplace affair (and all of their intercepted email/SMS correspondence that OMW and I have shared pretty much backs this up), and 2. for everything she may be, she never screws around with health. This is the same woman who admitted to me when we first started going out that she caught an STD in her uni years and went out of her way to tell her past few partners that one of them might have had it.

 

The funny thing is, she says that this guy didn't attract her sexually at all. As a male, I really don't get it.

 

Her parents are coming to stay this weekend....I'm standing by for a lot of tears on her behalf as they will give it to her with both barrels. They've raised her better than this and they are completely on my side.

 

 

The whole name thing still bothers me. She spent all that time thinking about taking his last name assuming she left you for him, won't take yours and you have a child together, ya it bothers me. The other thing that bothers me is how she went into your mail and facebook to delete emails from his wife telling you about their affair. How stupid? Just how long did she think she could keep that up before his wife got through to you? Did she think deleting your mail would make her look better or less guilty? She listens to O/M do you think she will listen to your requirements for reconciliation? I would make her take an STD test, the humiliation will act as a future deterrent. You need to tell the doctor your reason for the test so he does the proper testing.

[HurtHalo79]

The whole name thing still bothers me. She spent all that time thinking about taking his last name assuming she left you for him, won't take yours and you have a child together, ya it bothers me. The other thing that bothers me is how she went into your mail and facebook to delete emails from his wife telling you about their affair. How stupid? Just how long did she think she could keep that up before his wife got through to you? Did she think deleting your mail would make her look better or less guilty? She listens to O/M do you think she will listen to your requirements for reconciliation? I would make her take an STD test, the humiliation will act as a future deterrent. You need to tell the doctor your reason for the test so he does the proper testing.

 

Hey mate, thanks for the replies. To answer them (based on what she tells me):

 

1. She admits the name thing was stupid. It was something that came up in an email. She has no defence for this, it was ridiculous. Although apparently them leaving their spouses was never going to happen, that was something they 'apparently' made clear early on. OMW backs this up, and she is as dumbfounded as I am as to why if sex wasn't the objective, nor starting a new life together, what the exact purpose was to risk everything over a stupid EA with some kissing.

 

2. On her accessing my FB/Email; I hear you mate. I am very IT savvy, so I don't know why she thought it wasn't going to eventually reach a critical mass whereby they couldn't control the OMW any longer. I asked her this and it is line with her 'fix the problem, think about the consequences later' mentality; it became about damage control and mitigating damage, not about how I would feel if it all came out. Within a day of D-Day, I had all of the OMW deleted attempts to contact me, her entire SMS history to said wanker off her iPhone, her Email deleted/inboxes and OMW had a ready source of info once the OM confessed a great deal to her. The naivety is astounding.

 

3. I have gone and gotten bloods/urine taken for the test and she asked if I wanted her to have one. She admits that she can't exactly watch me go and have one without having one herself for my peace of mind. I don't think she realises that even though I may believe her that she didn't sleep with this idiot, that this is all part of the transparency (and healing) process.

 

I am looking forward to raising some of these issues over therapy next week, it will be interesting to see where it takes us. In the interim, I am swaying between understanding and anger. I think she's finally realising that she has a character flaw that doesn't allow her to realise when emotional boundaries are being crossed, or when she's being preyed upon.

 

As an interesting aside, we had a fight early on in our relationship when I brought up the fact that a guy she was doing a job handover with was probably getting 'too friendly' with her in regards to some of the comments she told me he was making at work during their handover process towards her. I was accused of seeing 'the bad side in people too much' until the penny dropped for her when said clown SMSed her at 2am in the morning asking to 'go out for a drink' when we were in bed. When same guy screwed all over her friend a few months later, she admitted that she didn't think that was his intention towards women in the workplace, but had been proven wrong. No lessons learned obviously.

 

I am hopeful for us mate, she is very remorseful and has been exceptionally clingy over the past week or so. I have suggested that after a few bouts of therapy (which will continue) that we get away for a honeymoon of sorts to try and find 'us' again. It's been 'baby baby baby toddler toddler toddler work work work seperate hobbies when we can' since we got married and it's been anything but ideal. She suggested something as simple last night as us buying a new basketball, and taking our daughter to the park while we shoot hoops together or similar.

 

Just an aside, have any of you guys learned anything out of any potential R experiences you have had?

Edited November 19, 2013 by HurtHalo79

[tiredofitall2]

 

What I am finding extremely tough to reconcile is her use of the word ‘love’ in her emails to him to describe their tryst.

 

Read about affair fog. It is a very dangerous time and she could relapse. So make sure you are aware and be sure to address it now.

[whichwayisup]

She got so caught up in how this guy made her feel. The A she had is NOT about him at all, it's about the drama, secrecy, intense feelings she felt and they are addictive. She created a fantasy and he ran with it.

 

PLEASE DO get an STD test done anyway. If they had oral sex you could be exposed to something. Even kissing too! I mean, if you get a cold sore and you've never had one before, bingo!

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

 

She needs to show genuine remorse, not out of pure emotion and desperation of losing you. She has to work on herself by doing counseling on her own and with you. (use same marriage counselor) even if you do or don't divorce since you have a child together , it'll be good for co parenting in the future. And, she IS broken so fixing herself has to be a high priority. Words mean nothing until they are followed by actions.

[BeholdtheMan]

Thoughts? I’d especially like to hear thoughts on this line:

Q. Why would they continue to be so self-destructive with the EA over the weekend, even knowing his wife had found out and was trying to contact me to let me know (which she did by the Tuesday?) They have both stated that they never intended to leave their partners, so what gives? WHY DO IT?!

 

Apologies for the length and thank you very much for taking the time to read it.

 

May I ask why you ultimately chose to stay rather than divorce?

 

Also, I'm sure you're aware that just because both your cheating wife and OM deny sex, that doesn't mean they've never had sex. I mean...they only admitted to making out after being pressed really hard. I think they've probably had sex and now you've gotten a bit of trickle truth.

 

Why did they engage in a destructive PA/EA? Because the pleasure of the affair was too much for them to resist.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You are doing this wrong. You are forgiving too easily.

 

What I really mean is, you are letting things get back to normal too easily.

 

You shouldn't be lying in bed joking with her at this point. Things should be less "normal" and more like you just caught your wife having an affair.

 

You told your wife "no contact." So what did she do? Made contact. Sent him a love poem. And what did you do? Tell her, "no contact, and this time I realllly mean it!" No consequences.

 

What you should do is make your wife sleep on the couch. She can come into the bed to have sex with you if that is what you want, but then she should go back to the couch. Let her know you still are considering divorce. Don't let her think that she has gotten away with this so easily. You have pointed out at least one other instance from the past where your wife did not tell a guy to get lost when he was stepping over the line. You saw that he was stepping over the line, she did not. Now you are letting her off easy with having a full-on affair.

 

The information you get from other man's wife has its limitations. It is not the end-all and be-all of the truth.

 

A lot of the story does not make sense. Let me give you a good rule of thumb. When a story does not make sense, it is a lie. 99% of the time. The other 1%, it is because the person telling it to you is certifiably crazy. So unless your wife is nuts, she is telling you a story about the affair that is a lie.

 

When you get the truth, it all will make perfect sense. You already have all the facts you need to fill in the blanks and come up with a story that makes sense, one that is pretty close to the truth. Like it or not, here it comes:

 

Your wife started working with this guy. He is a charmer. He is a bit of a bad boy. He doesn't have a hotter wife than yours and have at least eight affairs without having some game with the ladies. He started to charm your wife. Why not? He's got to work with her every day, the job is boring, it's not like he has any morals, so why not?

 

He charms your wife. She has terrible boundaries, you already know from past experience she doesn't know how to shut guys down, either that or she doesn't want to. Based on the little you posted, it's not that hard to charm your wife.

 

He's telling her how hot she is, how sexy, how much he wants her, stuff that either she doesn't hear from you or that, if she does, it just sounds like repeating the same old thing coming from you, it sounds new and sincere from this guy.

 

Women aren't like men, for many if not most women, it's not all about looks, sure looks matter, but CONFIDENCE and HUMOR are probably most important, and I'm betting this guy has both of those in spades.

 

Before long, your wife is head over heels for this guy. She's just sex to him, but he plays along. Yes, they had sex, it wasn't just making out. Tell her that he confessed it, you know the truth now, and she needs to take a polygraph to clear herself if it's not true.

 

The reason she told him she loved him was because, at the time she said it, she thought she did love him. The reason she said she wanted to take his name was because, at the time she said it, she did want to take his name.

 

You say that they never had any plans to leave their spouses to be with each other. You say "apparently," I guess, because you are taking your wife's word for it, because other man has said it, and because other man's wife believes it as well. It is true that other man had no intention of leaving his wife, but your wife, at the time she was deep in the affair, did have thoughts in her head about leaving you to be with him. That's why she acted the way she did. That's why it took two weeks for her to finally break down and show remorse. Because it took her two weeks to realize once again that you were right and she was wrong, that this guy just led her on. She sent him a love poem after you told her any contact would lead to divorce.

 

All of this didn't happen just with her making out with him. There was sex.

 

If you don't make her feel the consequences of her actions, if you let her off with telling nonsensical stories and obvious lies, if you let things go right back to normal, you are setting yourself up for a repeat performance somewhere down the line.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Just an aside, have any of you guys learned anything out of any potential R experiences you have had?

 

Yes, it is normal for the betrayed spouse to have an overwhelming desire to have everything back to "normal," and regain their belief that their wife is madly in love with them. This is called rug-sweeping. It will work for a while, but after a few months, all of the things that didn't and don't make sense will start to bother you more and more.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

she is as dumbfounded as I am as to why if sex wasn't the objective, nor starting a new life together, what the exact purpose was to risk everything over a stupid EA with some kissing.

 

Does this really make any sense? That she is "dumbfounded" about why?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

2. On her accessing my FB/Email; I hear you mate. I am very IT savvy, so I don't know why she thought it wasn't going to eventually reach a critical mass whereby they couldn't control the OMW any longer. I asked her this and it is line with her 'fix the problem, think about the consequences later' mentality; it became about damage control and mitigating damage, not about how I would feel if it all came out. Within a day of D-Day, I had all of the OMW deleted attempts to contact me, her entire SMS history to said wanker off her iPhone, her Email deleted/inboxes and OMW had a ready source of info once the OM confessed a great deal to her. The naivety is astounding.

 

I don't know if you've known any addicts, but this is addict behavior. At this point, she was madly in love with other man, she had no good way to leave you to be with him, and he wasn't offering, but at this point she would do absolutely ANYTHING to keep it going. The only thing on her mind was how she could keep this going, even for one more day, one more hour, one more fix.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I am hopeful for us mate, she is very remorseful and has been exceptionally clingy over the past week or so. I have suggested that after a few bouts of therapy (which will continue) that we get away for a honeymoon of sorts to try and find 'us' again. It's been 'baby baby baby toddler toddler toddler work work work seperate hobbies when we can' since we got married and it's been anything but ideal. She suggested something as simple last night as us buying a new basketball, and taking our daughter to the park while we shoot hoops together or similar.

 

Just an aside, have any of you guys learned anything out of any potential R experiences you have had?

 

You are suggesting a honeymoon (what lovers do).

 

She is suggesting playing basketball (what buddies do).

 

I would guess she talked more honeymoon-type talk with other man. Try to pay attention to the details, they will help you see what is going on. A detail like this may be an exception, a one-off, but when you look at the whole picture, it fits with the affair.

 

I forgot to put this in another post earlier, but when she fell madly in love with other man, she had to fall out of love with you first. I don't take her to be the type to be "in love" with two men at the same time. Ask her if she feels like she "loves you but is not 'in love' with you."