Complicated is complicated

[salyssa]

First I will state what "player" I am in all of this. I am the wife that made a bad decision and had the affair.

 

I'm 28, the typical white-collar wife with an 9 month old baby girl.

 

A terrible attempt to compact the story:

 

I have been married for 5 years but "together" for 9 years. Husband is a brainy Stanford alumni engineer that was a great match for me from the start. Conversation and his dry wit captivated me. Still does. I became pregnant with our little girl last June (12'). Having adjusted to the husband's workaholic tendency, once I became pregnant, I felt more of a sense of "being alone" than I had previously. Pregnancy was challenging from the start. Fertility meds, risk of miscarriage and then ending with being induced at 38 weeks (full term) for baby not thriving in the womb. Trauma after trauma after trauma. I would of been one of those women who would of died after birth from blood loss, back in the olden' days. This caused my body to not be able to care for my little one the way I was hoping to be able to. I was pressured by the husband to keep at it (breastfeeding), but I couldn't. My body couldn't. Over 1/3 of my day was spent trying to do this, and it felt like the biggest failure. I mention this because it is trauma that caused my marriage further fall in the trenches.

 

Backing up: I went into preparing the home for our little one and the husband went even further into provider-mode. While going through the whole pregnancy, I addressed my loneliness with how I used to as a college kid. I retreated to an online RPG game on my PC to occupy myself. I met a community of people (adults) and was able to connect with other father's and mother's. I noticed I latched onto one specific man. He was married with, at the time, a little boy who was 1 year old at the time. He eased my mind about the complications and told me what he did for his wife. You see where this is going. I fell into the typical female affair of thinking "why isn't my husband this active in my pregnancy?". I would hear stories and it just surfaced anger in me. "Why can't my husband just put his hand on my tummy?" - "Doesn't my husband care about me at all?". My affair started emotionally. I remember setting up my daughter's baby room -BY MYSELF- and taking pictures for the other man, as I felt he was more invested from 1,800 miles than my own husband, who was "too busy" to concern himself with helping me paint, assemble and enjoy the room creation. Of course, the affair went from emotional to physical over webcam. Yes, I was pregnant, but I was also that chick who only gained 11 pounds in her pregnancy and wasn't overweight. I felt beautiful and cared for by the other man. When ***** hit the fan with the end-portion of the pregnancy, I found myself with 2x a week doc visits just to check my baby's heartbeat. Guess who mostly went alone to the doc visits?

 

Fast forward: I had my girl. Husband didn't suspect the affair as it was still all online/phone calls, but the other man was caught by his wife. He divorced her rapidly after the discovery. He was already done with that marriage a long time ago, even before I stepped in. I was a catalyst. After he got divorced, I felt (being narcissistic) that it was my fault, so I started to feel like I "had" to move forward on my end.

 

Summer of this year (13'), pixels became real when the other man and I met. I faked a required work trip and the other man was already divorced, so we met. He was just what I had known for the last 6 months. The "high" of the affair was there but it was complicated by extreme feeling for this person. It wasn't just a fling for thrill. It was meeting the person who emotionally supported me during my pregnancy and after my pregnancy. He was the one to tell me that formula-feeding my child wasn't a failure on my part and that I needed to stop killing myself to produce when my body was clearly saying "STOP!". (This is just *one* of the ways he supported me, but important I list it.)

 

We met a few more times over the summer, met families and I pushed forward as it felt like I had gone too far. I couldn't take my deception anymore and I asked my husband for a legal separation and moved out.

 

Come this Fall (13'), I am living in my apartment with joint-custody. No-contest legal separation (same paperwork as a divorce, just 6 months before it can be transformed into a divorce, if desired) in place and the other man lands a job here, in my state. I missed my husband, but I was still angry about the neglect so I moved forward in bringing the other man here to live with me. Husband still was not aware of affair and figures I am just moving on. The other man moves in and things are great, but I hadn't mourned my marriage. I notice that I start missing that dry wit from my husband and find myself texting my husband more than one should. The other man watches me mourn in extreme ways: I refused food, threatened to end my life, and most important, I couldn't care for my daughter on my required nights because of my deep depression. He, after moving in, admitted that I wasn't ready to move on and he should of noticed this before as he saw signs here and there. Regardless, he "mans-up" by becoming a caretaker and helps me with my baby girl and forces me to eat. He helps even more with my daughter, picks her up from daycare, buys her toys/clothes, shows me ways to play with her when I had no energy to do so.. He loved/loves her and I can see it. He became, once again, a supporter. He knew I wasn't capable to give myself to him or anyone and became a friend by simply helping me through my significant pain and loss.

 

Currently: Husband and I discussed reconciliation. I made the decision of full disclosure. If I were to ever take the opportunity on this marriage, I would need to be honest. I told the husband about the affair. He drove the conversation and I was answering with "yes" or "no". He began to add things up and I know it hurt him. Sure, he is a smart man, but I was never this cunning and deceptive -he had no reason to be looking for this. He is no idiot and I stop him every time he calls himself that. Husband decides to try to reconcile. Legal separation needs to remain as is (mutually agreed), and he tells me to move back in. Other man is of course saddened, but says "If it will make you happy, you need to do it and I will fully support it.". I move back in and have been there for the last 1.5 weeks. As my husband puts all the pieces together of the affair, he grows more and more angry. He has explosions of anger at me. I understand and hang my head and take it, but it is starting to wear on me. I feel like I am still angry about the neglect. I know that doesn't warrant an affair, but I haven't forgiven him for it. That was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, but I feel like my husband raped me of it. I felt like it was me carrying our baby, alone. So, we are butting heads constantly. I take his verbally beatings as I feel I deserve them. I've suffered the last 6 months with my guilt and hating myself for tearing my family apart. I started crying when he was telling me what to take back items from the apartment as I don't want to hurt the other man. Sure, he was the affair, but he became more of a friend and I am not the woman that goes around "taking back" material things because I am pissed. I didn't do it when I moved out of my own house! The husband saw me crying about being harsh to the other man (I couldn't explain what the other man had done for me because clearly, my husband wasn't ready to hear everything - he is still in the anger stage) and he yelled at me asking where my loyalties lie.. I am done with the affair, the other man has been a friend since moving here (all physical contact stopped per my request) and it is painful taking material things (desks, nightstands etc etc) from him when he helped me with my daughter. And that is a whole other issue. My daughter. She knows him. It is the only thing I saw the other man tear up about when I moved out - was her. He bonded with her so much. I want his friendship, and oddly, I know that it can be just that only because it has been for so long, even before reconciliation with my husband - but I don't think my husband would ever approve. (Trust me, I get it. If I knew what my husband only knows, it would be hard for me to grant this, if the situation was reversed.)

 

I'm miserable taking the verbal lashings from my husband. I am not thrilled about being back at my house because of how much tension is there.I'm not happy. I miss getting out and talking with other people. The other man got on the lease of my apartment and is kind enough to relieve me of it and all payments, but I am still on the lease. I wish I had the ability to go there and detox from the negative energy of my house and just "be". It isn't anything more than that. But the husband wouldn't get that.

 

What can I do? What should I do? I came home to an angry man (and rightfully so!). My chest is tight in writing this because I fear going back to my house. I don't want another affair and I am not seeking that attention. Damage has been done, and I learned. BUT I don't want to be treated poorly for much longer, because I ALREADY DID THIS ALL TO MYSELF FOR MONTHS.

 

Final notes: Yes, we are in therapy. All anger has been verbal not physical.

[Spark1111]

I understand resentment built up while pregnant, but did you ever communicate how bad it was for you to your H?

 

An affair happened, you moved out and in with your lover and learned....he was not your H. Suffered depression....

 

Now back home and your H knows the truth and is lashing out at you...

 

From his perspective, you started betraying him emotionally while pregnant, then moved on to a PA, filed for divorce and then changed your mind again.

 

he is just learning what his reality has truly been while you have known all along.

 

He is wondering when you will flip-flop again and not tell him....again.

 

If you want your marriage to work, please read the first post here...What Every Spouse Needs to Know"

 

And decide if you can do it or not. And if you cannot, then proceed with divorce.

 

You have actually toyed with two men....

 

maybe you should be on your own for awhile until YOU KNOW what you truly want in a relationship...

[Spark1111]

first the affair must be dealt with before any other marital issue is discussed and dealt with.

 

The affair lobs a grenade and the carnage clean-up of that comes FIRST.

 

IF he cannot forgive you or try to, than reconciliation is pointless.

 

BUT have you been transparent? Answered any and all questions? Gone No Contact with your lover?

 

Do not defend your lover to your spouse, ever, no matter what kindnesses he has shown you. HE knowingly helped you hurt and betray your H! He was NOT a friend to your marriage, so he can not be a friend to you if you are serious about reconciling.

 

If it means so much to get the furniture back, then do so.

 

You have to own the consequences of your actions. Your pain is not greater than your H's pain, not now when he has just discovered the lengths you went to to lie to him.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Of course your husband is angry! Why wouldn't he be? He will yell. He will curse. He will ask you hard questions. What do you expect?

 

All of this negative energy is your doing. If you can't handle it, then divorce your husband and move on. It will only get harder from this point.

 

As far as the OM, to hell with him. He knowing got involved with a married woman. A pregnant married woman!

[ChooseTruth]

I understand resentment built up while pregnant, but did you ever communicate how bad it was for you to your H?

...

^

That's what I was wondering too. And if you communicated, how clear were you? Hints? Direct statements? Did you get his full attention first?

 

 

You seem really really focused on this being about your husband's lack of attention, and when a WW does that, the M is probably doomed. You need to take responsibility for your own actions if you want this to work. If you resentment is going to get in the way, you might as well admit it right now instead of waiting for your BH to get frustrated enough to do something stupid and then blame him for things not working out.

[aliveagain]

I don't know why your husband is angry, all you did was run off with his daughter to the man your cheating on him with. What an evil man, he let you move back into your marital home than he has the nerve to get angry at your lover. What's the big deal anyway, you were already pregnant, your husband should be more understanding, it's not your daughters fault she doesn't know who daddy is, moving in with O/M made economical sense. Besides, your husband has the rest of his life to get over it, the O/M only had you for a year or so.

[tiredofitall2]

What you did was wrong at so many levels. You cannot even begin to understand how your husband feels unless you've been in his shoes. I understand your perspective, but you took away his manhood, his pride, his self-worth and his little baby.

 

He will be pissed at you for some time and it will be a rollercoaster of emotions for some time, but he will eventually get over it. Demonstrate how much you love him, have physical contact with him. A gentle pad on his back or any sort of demonstration of affection that shows you are there with him and have chosen him. He is the father of your baby!

 

If it makes you feel any better, the chances of your affair to have ended in a long lasting marriage were 1-3 in 100. 75% chance of divorce if you ever married. These are just the facts. Secondly, my opinion of this man is not to high either.

 

He left his wife with a 1yr old baby! She threw him out on the curve and you took him. Why wasn't he supportive of his wife instead of another man's wife?

 

Just think about it and wake up from your fog! Look up the term affair fog and educate yourself about the phenomenon and what made you do the things you did. The grass is never greener on the other side and I know that with time it would have ended badly. This man has no commitment and I don't think you do either. How do I know? because it takes one to know one

 

No offense and with all due respect, never contact this OM again. Ride the storm and get into counseling. The man that abandoned his wife is not good and should go back begging for his W to take him back. Doesn't matter how supportive and how well he treated you. How did he treat his W?

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

Sorry!

[salyssa]

Thank you for the replies.

 

First, as I stated in my War and Peace novel above, my husband is a workaholic. I didn't get pregnant to change this addiction he has. I did, however, think it would naturally change, and it only got worse after I was pregnant. He has always shown his love in the old 1950's approach (just like his family) of providing. That's great. But I am frugal, I don't spend money on purses, clothes, and material crap. And I work too! I would go out with my girlfriends on the weekends to compensate for him not being around. I grew tired of being asked "Where is -enter husbands name here-?". My reply "Oh he is at the office." Friend's reply "But it's Saturday?!?!". Many friend became concerned about me when I conceived. They knew I would be alone and at a critical time.

 

In the past, I have talked with my husband about being around more. He saw it as naggy and unappreciative. I would even have to learn to manipulate questions. i.e. Instead of directly asking him when he would be home on a Saturday night - which would always piss him off, I would say "Hey, I'm going to order some food, do you think I should do it now or should I wait for you to come home?". This would at least give me an idea of when he would be leaving the office.

 

Yes, I am blaming him for the neglect. Am I blaming him for the affair? No. That was my mistake. No one deserves to suffer an affair. I chose to tell him because he deserved to know everything, especially if we were to give it another go. I made a very bad decision in having an affair. But I didn't blindly move through it. I was aware of what I was doing and that is why my depression was so real. On the day of our finalizing of the legal separation, I told my husband I didn't want to do it. But he wanted to. He wanted to legally separate, and have the option to divorce months down the road. I didn't fight him. He deserved that option. I respected it and followed through.

 

We are in a stalemate. He is angry with me and I am angry with him.

 

And yes, the OM knew what he was doing. We all did. "To hell with him" isn't fitting. He was served a large dish of karma when moving here and watching me mourn my marriage. He saw it coming.

 

There are two men involved. Using the word "toyed" is not accurate. Toyed with means "played with". I wasn't playing when I left my husband and I wasn't playing when I let the OM move in. If they are simply toys, I would just put them back in their chest and find another. If you read my monologue, you would see that I have no intention of finding a new toy. I do see your advice following that comment though. Seems I am not figuring out the real deal because I am not getting any clean air to breathe.

[AlwaysGrowing]

If after 1.5 weeks you feel that you are at the end of your rope in regard to your husbands feelings/discussions/venting about your affair, then I suggest get out now.

 

I hear so often women complain about their husbands lack of attention, which is most often due to his job. Why marry a man that has a high demanding job if you are a person that needs their hand held? If that is who you are, then marry a man that will be there all the time, usually that man will make less money, however...life is compromise.

 

I married a soldier. He was deployed 2 days after our sons birth. He also served in Bosnia when the kids were in High School. He was gone often. I witnessed so many "needy' wives. I always wondered why those men married women that were so needy, knowing their career. Divorces happened all the time, wives cheating..more often then their husbands (due to strict regulations regarding opposite sex relationships within the military), husbands coming back from exercise...to empty houses...wife just packed up and moved.

 

It also seems like you need constant validation..from men. You could have made a forum buddy that was a woman....you didn't. How exactly can a man really know what it is like to be pregnant? Why were the women on that forum not a better resource for you? Why not enlisted family, friends to go with you to appointments? Join an expectant mothers group, new mommy group? All things within your control.

 

Your issues go much deeper than your marriage. They are inherent to you.

 

Until those issues are addressed....who exactly is your husband R with?

Edited November 11, 2013 by AlwaysGrowing

[tiredofitall2]

You both need marriage counseling. To be a workaholic is bad, but I think the offense is at a much lesser degree.

 

You both need your needs to be fulfilled. Read His Needs Her Needs, it is an excellent book!

 

Get to MC and IC fast!

[AlwaysGrowing]

Having a high demanding job is not neglect. The other party either entered knowing this or accepted it when the job was offered (for both men and women). And of course the other party never complains about the lifestyle it affords them...they just want it all. They gladly take the perks, then try to make the other party feel bad for the job they did to earn that income.

 

We read about these affairs all the time. Husband works away from home, OM is dude next door. WW keeps the OM and spends her husbands money..and never has any intention of ending the affair. Or, MM tells OW how his wife is always at work, spends money on OW, thanks in no part to all the extra cash he has DUE to his wifes career. I laugh a little, when the divorce happens, because we all know...all that extra cash is now cut off and all the fun things MM used to do..will be just that... USED TO DO.

 

We all get to make choices...and if having a spouse that has a high demanding job makes you jealous and resentful...then don't marry them.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

You both need marriage counseling. To be a workaholic is bad, but I think the offense is at a much lesser degree.

 

You both need your needs to be fulfilled. Read His Needs Her Needs, it is an excellent book!

 

Get to MC and IC fast!

 

So is Five Love Languages. Obviously they have different love languages: Provider versus Quality Time.

[aliveagain]

Did your husband know about your infidelity at the time you started the process of separating? Did he know you were involved with a married man when you did separate? When did he find out that you were cheating all through your pregnancy? Do you think you destroyed the joy of your first child for him? Were you at all honest with your husband? Your attitude comes across as "anyone that gets involved with me shouldn't be surprised when I do what I do to them, they should know better." You don't sound very committed, maybe your anger at your husband should be directed at yourself. He must love you a lot to allow you back into his life, I hope you see that and don't waste his offer of a second chance.

 

Let's not forget you helped take down another family by being the O/W. Two broken families.

Edited November 11, 2013 by aliveagain

[ComingInHot]

How long has your H known of you cheating on him while pregnant, continuing your A during and after you separated, then inviting OM to move in w/you, then encouraging a relationship between Your H's daughter & OM?

 

I'm trying to get a feel for how "long" you feel it should take Your H to "get over" all of the above when you are not getting over feeling neglected during your pregnancy.

 

If this is fresh or being only over the past year or so as compared to you and Your H not forgiving each other over let's say three to five years, things would be clearer for me to offer support*

[salyssa]

Want to have the perks of husband's money? That's funny. I waived spousal maintenance and waived child support payments every month as they weren't needed. If I wanted money, I would of chosen a different man. OM works half the time and makes twice as much as my husband. I still wear a pair of shoes from sophomore year of high school! Get your opinions in line before striking - money is no thing to me.

 

Validation through men... Hmm that would seem reasonable if I had affairs before and history of them. Husband has been a workaholic for years, it just took a nasty edge when pregnancy hit.

 

Hand holding? I would like that! I love holding hands! I like snuggling too! I didn't marry a military man. Your view is skewed from what you know/handle and any others that might need quality time is weak.

[tiredofitall2]

Want to have the perks of husband's money? That's funny. I waived spousal maintenance and waived child support payments every month as they weren't needed. If I wanted money, I would of chosen a different man. OM works half the time and makes twice as much as my husband. I still wear a pair of shoes from sophomore year of high school! Get your opinions in line before striking - money is no thing to me.

 

Validation through men... Hmm that would seem reasonable if I had affairs before and history of them. Husband has been a workaholic for years, it just took a nasty edge when pregnancy hit.

 

Hand holding? I would like that! I love holding hands! I like snuggling too! I didn't marry a military man. Your view is skewed from what you know/handle and any others that might need quality time is weak.

 

 

Understand, that some people feel you strike a chord when they read your story and you still feel as if you are the victim and deserve and apology.

 

Yes to be a workaholic is a sin in my book, but at this point you really need to forget about this and focus on what you did and allow his healing process to begin. After that you guys can work on the underlying problems that caused the affair. We all know what happened and we all know what caused it. But first work on the marriage and stop the bleeding.

[ChooseTruth]

I'm going to make the prediction that this marriage is over. I actually hope it's over and think it would be for the best.

[salyssa]

Tried to edit:

 

Thanks to everyone with non-attacking responses. I'm not under the impression this will be easy, but I had to disclose all of the affair to take whatever consequence it would bring. I am no contact with the OM except for ironing out account switches for apartment maintenance. He had made this easy and I just need to get the items my husband requested from the apartment and will do so once the OM is out and about. I'm struggling with handling the lashing and want to move forward, but am struggling. Hard to see through the fog of heavy anger between us.

[underwater2010]

You know what....I was going to break your post down....piece by piece. But here is what sticks out.

 

I feel like I am still angry about the neglect. I know that doesn't warrant an affair, but I haven't forgiven him for it. That was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life, but I feel like my husband raped me of it.

 

All I here is "trauma, me, me, me, I, I, I". Everything is over dramatic and everyone else's fault. You dropped a good match for someone else that would be "emotionally" there for you and crapped on him too.

 

You want advice...own up to all of it. Place the blame on yourself alone. Then give him time to process it. Because this all new to him.

 

Also....drop all contact with your exAP. ALL CONTACT. He is not a friend of your marriage and never will be.

[ComingInHot]

How long has it been since disclosure again? I missed that sorry * *

[AlwaysGrowing]

I used the phrase "women", if you got angry....then maybe you should challenge yourself...why you got so defensive...and took what I said personally.

 

 

And to say, that you understood that there would be consequences to your actions, then complain that after 1.5 weeks into R, that you are done with your husbands pain, speaks to your lack of understanding.

[drifter777]

Just stay in marriage counseling and be honest when you are there. Tell him how you feel regarding his emotional abandonment and let him vent to you about how he feels knowing you lied and betrayed him. Try it for the sake of your daughter.

[Clay]

Tried to edit:

 

Thanks to everyone with non-attacking responses. I'm not under the impression this will be easy, but I had to disclose all of the affair to take whatever consequence it would bring. I am no contact with the OM except for ironing out account switches for apartment maintenance. He had made this easy and I just need to get the items my husband requested from the apartment and will do so once the OM is out and about. I'm struggling with handling the lashing and want to move forward, but am struggling. Hard to see through the fog of heavy anger between us.

 

 

I think you really have to ask yourself are you ready to fix this marriage. If you are you really need to rethink how you are looking at a few things.

 

Your husband does not understand your anger at him over the pregnancy and how he left you alone. We are not the brightest men. You need to find some way of communicating that to him so you can get passed that.

 

The thing you going to have the hardest time dealing with is your betrayal. It its something you need to come to terms with in a honest and gentle way. What you did was probably as bad as trying to kill him. Hes going to need your support. More than you have ever given or want to give at this time. Its not going to be easy. He will need you to be 1000% honest with him. No hidden email accounts. Not phone calls. No nothing. You will have to hand over all passwords and do it like you want to not with any attitude or hesitation.

 

If you truly want your marriage to survive your going to have to fight for it. It does sound like you are not so remorseful but honestly we are only typing so knowing how you really feel is hard to tell.

 

I feel bad for your husband. I have been in his shoes. My marriage did not survive.

 

Clay

[Clay]

Sorry for the typo's

 

Clay

[tiredofitall2]

I used the phrase "women", if you got angry....then maybe you should challenge yourself...why you got so defensive...and took what I said personally.

 

 

And to say, that you understood that there would be consequences to your actions, then complain that after 1.5 weeks into R, that you are done with your husbands pain, speaks to your lack of understanding.

 

 

1 1/2 weeks and she's tired of his emotional outbursts yet she's holding a grudge for him being a workaholic for over a year now.