My wifes affair with her boss

[nothappy1971]

Hello all. I discovered last November my wife had been having an affair with her boss for 3 years. We have been together for nearly 12 years and married for 8 years and to say this came as a shock is an understatement. once it came clear what she was doing (I had suspicions but thought I was just paranoid) all hell broke loose. I've never been so close to hitting a women but I was so angry and upset, but managed to reign in my anger. I think she was a little shocked that not only did I find out, but also how much I knew (I tend to do my homework). It tore my heart out. First came the lies either to protect herself or to protect me i'm not sure, every excuse under the sun. I'm not perfect and never claim to be but i'm hard working both at home and work and take care of myself so she would be proud of me. We spent the evening talking about it and me occasionally shouting. She told me she had ended it a week earlier due to me asking questions about a few text messages. i'm not sure if its true or not but some of the things that happened the week before it all came out sort of back up what she said about ending it. She told me she loves me and wants me and it was all a mistake and that was difficult to end it as he was her boss, but she would do anything to make it upto me. As for the boss he was a complete pussy I had two options meet with him and break him in half or just have a talk. My wife knew if we met I'd kill him I'd never seen him before so he could of been built like a brick ****house for all i knew, but I didn't care. In the end we had a conversation on the phone (very oneway)which I basically told him he had 24 hours to tender his resignation with the company (he was a company director) at this point he begged to keep his job out of concern for his family. Without going into too much detail I didn't give him much of a choice so he did leave very shortly afterwards and never put up a fight although I really wanted him to fight back. Since then we have been to counselling and talked about it often and after nearly 10 months I hardly ever ask about what she did, but that doesn't mean its gone away. There have been times when I thought of leaving her and things play in my mind over and over. I don't know who I married I love her and care for her but nowhere near as much as I once did. We have lots of sex including me getting a regular Sunday evening massage for the last 9 months she tells me she loves me and I respond with "are you sure" Some people may argue but I don't think since this all came out I have actually fought for the marriage as such, but I told her its her job to fight for me. That may sound arrogant but I didn't do anything wrong its up to her the prove herself to me and theres no denying she is trying and the intensity of my anger is subsiding but things seem to have plateaued. I just wonder how long it takes until I feel comfortable with her again.

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. Sorry about your situation.

 

Do you have children, with your wife?

[dichotomy]

I just wonder how long it takes until I feel comfortable with her again.

 

 

Certainly not 10 months. Try several years.

 

She was having this affair for three years behind your back.

 

Good job on dealing with OM and getting him to leave the (her) company.

 

She has been an open book right - you been keeping an eye on her - she letting you? Complete no contact with this guy?

[Lei Ping]

Things will never be the same between you, especially if you insist on some kind of penance from her. Making her a slave will never ease your mind. You should look to yourself and figure out what was lacking in the relationship from your end, what she found in her affair that she didn't already get at home and make the dialogue between the two of you entirely truthful all of the time.

 

It's okay to tell a partner "I'm not feeling you today" or "I'd like for you to ..." and encourage them to do the same. Failure to take the proper approach to reconciliation will irrevocably damage the marriage.

[nothappy1971]

Welcome to LS. Sorry about your situation.

 

Do you have children, with your wife?

 

Yes a 6 year old son. I'm not just staying with her just for him but i'd be lying if it wasn't a factor.

[GorillaTheater]

As for the boss he was a complete pussy I had two options meet with him and break him in half or just have a talk. My wife knew if we met I'd kill him I'd never seen him before so he could of been built like a brick ****house for all i knew, but I didn't care. In the end we had a conversation on the phone (very oneway)which I basically told him he had 24 hours to tender his resignation with the company (he was a company director) at this point he begged to keep his job out of concern for his family. Without going into too much detail I didn't give him much of a choice so he did leave very shortly afterwards and never put up a fight although I really wanted him to fight back.

 

...

 

I told her its her job to fight for me.

 

Readers may differ as to whether you're doing the right thing in staying with her, but major kudos for the things you've handled like a champ so far.

[nothappy1971]

Certainly not 10 months. Try several years.

 

She was having this affair for three years behind your back.

 

Good job on dealing with OM and getting him to leave the (her) company.

 

She has been an open book right - you been keeping an eye on her - she letting you? Complete no contact with this guy?

 

She's been very honest with me but I guess i'll never know everything and not sure I want to. I've gone from checking her phone/emails everyday to once or twice every 2 weeks. To the best of my knowledge he is completely out of the picture I know where he now works (no longer a director and on a quarter of his original salary) and where he lives and his family details. If he does try and contact her he is the dumbest individual to ever walk the planet, but I do believe that I put enough fear in him and I don't think he's got the balls to risk it. As for her again I don't think she has spoken to him since he left the company. Even when he still worked there I left him a reminder on his desk which basically read FIND A NEW DESK FIND A NEW OFFICE I WANT YOU GONE you have been warned. She would also speak to me everyday from work and inform me of his whereabouts I even told him to copy me into his weekly diary emails so I knew exactly where he was. I told him he's the luckiest son of a bitch to walk the planet If this had happened 10/12 years ago I wouldn't have been so reserved

[nothappy1971]

Readers may differ as to whether you're doing the right thing in staying with her, but major kudos for the things you've handled like a champ so far.

 

 

Cheers mate

[karnak]

Things will never be the same between you, especially if you insist on some kind of penance from her. Making her a slave will never ease your mind. You should look to yourself and figure out what was lacking in the relationship from your end, what she found in her affair that she didn't already get at home and make the dialogue between the two of you entirely truthful all of the time.

 

It's okay to tell a partner "I'm not feeling you today" or "I'd like for you to ..." and encourage them to do the same. Failure to take the proper approach to reconciliation will irrevocably damage the marriage.

 

Lei has a point in this.

 

One of the greatest issues with infidelity is that if it happened once it can happen twice (and most of the times it does), be it with the same OM or with just another dude.

 

That's why the marriage must be 100% clean of all the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Else it will happen again. But this time it will be harder to spot.

[nothappy1971]

Things will never be the same between you, especially if you insist on some kind of penance from her. Making her a slave will never ease your mind. You should look to yourself and figure out what was lacking in the relationship from your end, what she found in her affair that she didn't already get at home and make the dialogue between the two of you entirely truthful all of the time.

 

It's okay to tell a partner "I'm not feeling you today" or "I'd like for you to ..." and encourage them to do the same. Failure to take the proper approach to reconciliation will irrevocably damage the marriage.

 

 

I'm aware that some of what I said may come across as heavy handed or arrogant but i'm making this up as I go I have no idea if what i'm doing is for the best. It's not in my nature to be a bastard to her or make her a slave as I've cut her a fair bit of slack. I've not stopped her going out with friends etc I've just started allowing her to go on business trips again after 7 months but there are rules and they are fair. As for lacking in the relationship we both work hard and sometimes long hours. She works for quite an aggressive company and she said she used him as a kind of shield as they were both aware of the culture. She had her homelife and a separate work/social life and tried to separate the two. It's still a poor excuse I still feel like an idiot.

[nothappy1971]

Lei has a point in this.

 

One of the greatest issues with infidelity is that if it happened once it can happen twice (and most of the times it does), be it with the same OM or with just another dude.

 

That's why the marriage must be 100% clean of all the issues that led to the affair in the first place. Else it will happen again. But this time it will be harder to spot.

 

This is my concern it happened once it could again or possibly already did in the past. I considered getting my own back and sleeping with someone else and rubbing her nose in it but lets be honest the feeling of getting my own back wont stay positive for long and would make matters worse, but it is tempting.

[GorillaTheater]

This is my concern it happened once it could again or possibly already did in the past. I considered getting my own back and sleeping with someone else and rubbing her nose in it but lets be honest the feeling of getting my own back wont stay positive for long and would make matters worse, but it is tempting.

 

Has your wife dug deeply enough to able to come up with a reason or reasons that make sense to you? My opinion is that she needs to do this for reconciliation to have a realistic shot.

 

About the only way a revenge affair would be remotely satisfying is to screw the OM's wife, and then only if recon is totally off the table. Even then it's probably not worth it. But speaking of the other wife, have you told her, or is that part of your leverage over the OM? If it was me, I'd fill her in. She has a right to know in order to make some decisions in her life.

[nothappy1971]

Has your wife dug deeply enough to able to come up with a reason or reasons that make sense to you? My opinion is that she needs to do this for reconciliation to have a realistic shot.

 

About the only way a revenge affair would be remotely satisfying is to screw the OM's wife, and then only if recon is totally off the table. Even then it's probably not worth it. But speaking of the other wife, have you told her, or is that part of your leverage over the OM? If it was me, I'd fill her in. She has a right to know in order to make some decisions in her life.

 

I've not told her although I've been very tempted. My leverage over him is fear and intimidation he can loose the use of his legs and his other half can watch and cheer me on. I read one text from him that read " I know its special but I want it to be more" I assume he was trying to get her to leave me before this all came out in the open. So I guess hes not that bothered about his partner knowing. Also this is a little mad but I don't want his partner going into my wifes place of work and giving her a slap(despite how tempted I am that this happens as it would teach her more of a lesson). She does have the right to know i'm just not sure how and when to do it.

[nothappy1971]

As for the reasons she gives she tells me she is ashamed of what she did and cant believe what she did and started something she shouldn't have or easy finish. I've listened to them and understand it from her jobs point of view but at the end of the day she made the decision to have an affair and anything she says is an excuse. She F**ked up and we are both paying a price

[almond]

Did the boss know you?

[almond]

I've just started allowing her to go on business trips again after 7 months but there are rules and they are fair

 

Also, I'm curious as to what these "rules" are exactly?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Things will never be the same between you, especially if you insist on some kind of penance from her. Making her a slave will never ease your mind. You should look to yourself and figure out what was lacking in the relationship from your end, what she found in her affair that she didn't already get at home and make the dialogue between the two of you entirely truthful all of the time.

 

It's okay to tell a partner "I'm not feeling you today" or "I'd like for you to ..." and encourage them to do the same. Failure to take the proper approach to reconciliation will irrevocably damage the marriage.

 

I don't agree with the statement bolded. Affairs are not a way to fix something that is broken at home. Something broken at home is fixed by talking about it. No marriage is perfect all the time. OP was in the same marriage and didn't cheat.

 

Affairs happen because the WS has bad coping skills. Is using an affair as a way to feel better, because of internal, external, made up, real, because they can, or because its Tuesday reasons.

 

SHE needs to find out why. SHE needs to dig deep and figure out the cause. She needs to show she won't do it again by knowing why she did it to start with.

 

OP needs to find some peace and eventually stop punishing WS, but frankly has done an awesome job so far.

 

Going great. It's a marathon not a sprint.

[nothappy1971]

Also, I'm curious as to what these "rules" are exactly?

 

The MD does not know and I've kept it that way for a reason

 

The rules are simple. Transparency at all times I need to know everything if she goes out with who and where. If I need to check the phone/bank account no arguing and obviously no sleeping with anyone else. She lost the right to have full freedom and trust and will have to earn it back. If she doesn't like it I've told her to leave and she understands. ( as much as it would rip me apart if we did split I cant roll over)

[nothappy1971]

I don't agree with the statement bolded. Affairs are not a way to fix something that is broken at home. Something broken at home is fixed by talking about it. No marriage is perfect all the time. OP was in the same marriage and didn't cheat.

 

Affairs happen because the WS has bad coping skills. Is using an affair as a way to feel better, because of internal, external, made up, real, because they can, or because its Tuesday reasons.

 

SHE needs to find out why. SHE needs to dig deep and figure out the cause. She needs to show she won't do it again by knowing why she did it to start with.

 

OP needs to find some peace and eventually stop punishing WS, but frankly has done an awesome job so far.

 

Going great. It's a marathon not a sprint.

 

 

Thanks for that. If having an affair fixed a problem i'd be sleeping with someone else by now to FEEL BETTER. We had both had a tough time especially when the little one came along like most parents but never needed to jump into bed with someone else even when it was handed on a plate a few years back. (not sure if I regret turning her down now but did it for the right reasons I loved my wife)

[Darren Steez]

3 years. 1095 days. 26280 hours. 1576800 seconds.

 

It only takes a second to decide, that's enough, I'm not doing this anymore. For me it's 3 years of deceit, and sleeping next to you while deciding what to wear for OM when they meet. She wasn't blackmailed or forced to meet him so she did so willingly. So the most important question is why, why for so long did you do it and she would have continued to do it had you not pried into her affairs. When would she have stopped, 4, 5 years on.

 

For me that kind of betrayal in utterly unforgivable. So kudos to you chap for sticking it out but I dare say it will get rougher before its gets smoother, unless she answers, why did she do it and is completely honest about it..even if it tears your soul apart but anything else would just be rug sweeping and any unresolved issues will spring up in some form or another and that will be trouble.

[stillafool]

I have to agree with Darren. ^^^^^^

 

You are a strong man and I loved how you handled her boss. If your wife was in an uncomfortable position and couldn't fight him off she could have come to you for help. I'm sure you would have told her immediately to quit, get another job, or comfronted him. She is lying about she didn't know how to end it. This isn't something that happened once and she came to you to confess, ask for forgiveness and guidance. You found out on your own. Suppose you had never found out? Would she have confessed? I highly doubt it. All the times she was lying in bed with you after giving herself to him. IMHO you have every right not to trust her (right now) and do what you are doing to help you feel more secure. She is the one who has to make this up to you. If she was unhappy she should have told you what she was missing, not trying to find in another man's bed.

 

At least she is doing everything to try to make this up to you but if you read around on this board you will find that many betrayed husbands find it extremely hard to get over those "mind movies" of the their wives with the other men. It almost eats them up. I'm sorry for what you are going through and especially for your little boy.

[aliveagain]

You owe him nothing, his wife needs to know what kind of a man she is married to, this may not be his first affair. Your wife's comment that it was hard to stop the affair because he was her boss is bul**it, she didn't want to stop the affair because she didn't want to stop the affair is the only real answer. Had you not caught her she would still be doing him. A three year f**k fest is a little hard to get over, I hope you make it. Staying for your child is absolutely the wrong reason for staying in a marriage. You can still be a great dad even if you have a different household. You had no choice in her affair but you sure do about staying married to liar and a cheater. I agree with others, she needs to get independent counseling because she needs to find out why she gave herself the approval to cheat on you and your son. Until she gets to the real why, she is a very high risk candidate to cheat again. Please talk to a lawyer you still don't know how this will turn out and you need to protect you and your son. You may want to separate your banking so if things go south you can shut her out of your accounts quickly. Have you both been tested for STD's, if not do so quickly, some STD's don't even show up for 6 months after her last encounter. Tell your doctor the truth as to why you need to be checked out so he knows what to test for. The humiliation of being tested is a strong deterrent against cheating again and it gives the cheating a different reality. One last thing you may want to consider is a postnuptial agreement that gives you most of the assets(80/20 split) if she cheats again. It is very hard to feel safe with a wife who has betrayed you for that amount of time, take your time forgiving and make sure being back with her is what you really want.

[Bryanp]

Your wife was screwing her boss behind your back for 3 years. This was not a mistake. This was 3 years. You realize that there had to be numerous times that she had sex with him and then came home and was intimate with you.

 

She claimed that after 3 years of screwing this guy she broke it off because you had become very suspicious about some text messages. This certainly begs the question that if you had not become suspicious about the text messages then she would still be screwing him. Your wife is in total damage control.

 

If the roles were reversed and your had been screwing your secretary for 3 years behind your wife's back do you honestly think that she would have been so accepting and forgiving as you. 3 years is an awfully long times to be cheating on you. She must have been quite the little actress toward you.

 

I would strongly suggest that you both get tested for STD's since you can guarantee it that for 3 years she had unprotected sex and also get your child tested for paternity. You simply cannot believe anything that comes out of her mouth. You have no idea if she has cheated on you previously and clearly she is wonderful at keeping these things hidden from you.

 

A mistake is when you are not paying attention and hit someone else's car. A mistake is not betraying your husband and having sex with another man for 3 years. Her actions clearly show that she has very very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[drifter777]

Are seeing a counselor? Are the two of you seeing a marriage counselor? It's hard to heal without the help of someone who can guide you through this mess.

 

As others have said, 10 months is nowhere near enough time for any husband to feel any different than you are now. In the end, the ability to live with the fact that your wife had sex countless times over a 3-year period with another man may not be possible for you. This is something that you might be able to discover sooner by seeing a counselor, but it's also something that you can feel in your gut.

 

Your description of the way you two interact since d-day is not encouraging. You are not reconciling, your just surviving. Your repressed hurt & anger is leaking out in passive/aggressive behavior that will not help you heal from what she has done. It's also not fair to her to pretend you are making progress when you are seething under the surface. Get into counseling and face this now or be prepared to suffer badly over it for many, many years. Reconciliation is probably the hardest, most painful thing you will ever go through so be sure you are up to even trying it. Divorce can be the right choice and you shouldn't be afraid of taking that path.

[bubbaganoosh]

Not Happy.

 

Your not being arrogant. You have been burned in a horrible way and you have every right to be acting the way you are. What I see is a man trying to protect his own ass. Your wife didn't have a ONS. This was a three year affair. Did you ask if they used protection? If not, that would have to be the cherry on the crap sundae you were handed.

 

The only problem I see is her going out of town on business trips. Outside of either being there with her or hiring a private eye your flying blind on this. I hope for your sake that she is on the straight and narrow with you because she lied for three years and I would find this traveling hard to handle. Any way you can check on her by hiring a PI?