Keeping it hot...

[jnel921]

So after replying to a thread here I decided to have a conversation with my H about his behavior with the OW and how it bothered me that the same kind of heat and regard is not applied in our marriage.

 

It has been 8 months since DDay and next month it will be a year since he last touched the OW. The fact that this is a topic between us is hurtful still. We went through our hysterical bonding stage and things are just stable. But I have to say what is missing is the heat.

 

He sends me poetry, he will say he loves me and he will follow me into the bedroom on any given night he is home with me but there is no lead up into any of it. There are no texts or sexy words to anticipate what is to come.

 

I feel like things are drying up and have given him a warning. I agree with many of the BS here when they say they look at their WS sideways now and they are not sure who they married.

 

I agreed to work with my H to rebuild our M but this is the hardest part. Going to that place where he has been with someone else and not sure if the fantasies in his mind while we are having sex are memories of the past. Even though this person is gone the memories unfortunately remain.

 

I can't say that we have created any profound ones to override what he probably experience. He has cried about the whole situation insisting he is totally in love with me and always has been even through that experience, but of course I have a hard time believing it. But I try.

 

I want us to find a way to get it and keep it hot. I just feel he will never be that uninhibited person he was, when he was with her.

 

I feel down the road if this doesn't change this may be the deal breaker. Anyone else feel this way?

[weedsandposies]

So after replying to a thread <Snip>

 

I'd love an answer to this as well, LOL.

 

Not saying your husband is, but I have a friend dating a serial cheater and she is EXHAUSTED. Every week new wigs, get-ups, sexy vacations, she's gorgeous, very active and fit... yet complains that they get in slumps! Not sure I have that kind of energy.

 

Sorry I'm not much help. H and I have been married 10 years and I've found that chemistry/attraction really is like riding a wave, some ups and some downs. I met an older couple in Vegas once and asked them what their secret was... they said neither one fell out of love at the same time. Like a rubber band when someone pulls away the other pulls towards. So maybe when he slows down you pick it up?

Edited June 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spark1111]

Many men, certainly after infidelity, fear rejection and disapproval from their BS...and rightfully so. But it makes them tentative and fearful of making a mistake or a mis step when what they crave most of all is respect, appreciation and raw sex. They have their spouse on a pedestal and they fear her displeasure.

 

Yeah, it's complicated.

 

The affair is risk free, no holds barred ( because there are no consequences,) raw sex.

 

I changed it up for me mostly. The affair had robbed me of too much and I'd be damned if it took my healthy sex life too.

 

So I made it raw, uninhibited, more fun, more spontaneous and it paid off big time. The more I gave, the more I got in return, not just sexually, but emotionally too.

 

There IS NO GREATER aphrodisiac to a man than a woman he loves desiring him sexually.

 

I stopped the mind movies by creating new ones of us. Sometimes you just have to be the change you wish to see in the relationship if you want to create new and exciting.

[dichotomy]

I sometimes wonder if it is reasonable to ever expect marriage sex to carry the heat and enthusiasm and pushing boundaries that sex outside of marriage has.

 

It is a current topic of debate and arguing within my own marriage right now. My wife insists that the sex she had outside of marriage was "juvenile" and not appropriate for her to bring into our marriage or for a wife to do. Fortunately our couples therapist disagrees and is supporting me. And by sex - I just don't mean the acts (although that is key) it is also as you mention the lead up - the words, the texts, the adoration, the expression of desire and playfulness, etc.

 

Even with no affairs, this is difficult in many a marriage, but the affair unfortunately often shows the spouse is more than capable of bringing it - for someone else.

[Spark1111]

I sometimes wonder if it is reasonable to ever expect marriage sex to carry the heat and enthusiasm and pushing boundaries that sex outside of marriage has.

 

It is a current topic of debate and arguing within my own marriage right now. My wife insists that the sex she had outside of marriage was "juvenile" and not appropriate for her to bring into our marriage or for a wife to do. Fortunately our couples therapist disagrees and is supporting me. And by sex - I just don't mean the acts (although that is key) it is also as you mention the lead up - the words, the texts, the adoration, the expression of desire and playfulness, etc.

 

Even with no affairs, this is difficult in many a marriage, but the affair unfortunately often shows the spouse is more than capable of bringing it - for someone else.

 

easy for the insecure to reinvent their persona with a stranger, yes?

 

The major fun of an affair is I can be whomever I wished I was IRL. Exciting, no?

 

And because it is secret and the AP will never know otherwise, the fantasy facades can continue.

 

The hard part is recreating that in a long term relationship. that takes courage and creativity on the part of BOTH partners.

[So happy together]

maybe part of it is the lack of responsibility that's attached to sex in an affair...

after all, they have sex and then both go their separate ways. They aren't the person that you'll be eating breakfast with, getting the kids ready for school with, buying groceries with.

 

Maybe the key is in learning to equate one's spouse with " good sex" and not just 'good marriage"?

 

I don't think so. I think that we are just more compatible, less inhibited together. We enjoy one another and are not afraid to show it. We do all kinds of things in anticipation of sex. It begins hours before...

[HopingAgain]

I don't know about anyone else, but since my WHs affair and deciding to rebuild, I've unleashed and reclaimed my inner "girl." The one he fell in love with initially. The side of me that was fun and carefree and spontaneous before bills, life, and responsibility starred to weigh me down. We go out on dates, mini vacays, and are starting to enjoy totally new experiences together. I think routine and sexual boredom can settle into any relationship if both aren't actively working to keep the sparks flying. WH has ramped up the romance lately too, with spontaneous thoughtful gestures, gifts, and compliments. And I do silently expect it from him, and very much appreciate it.

 

We BS's fully deserve to be swept off of our feet and carried away in passion again! :-D

[Spark1111]

I don't think so. I think that we are just more compatible, less inhibited together. We enjoy one another and are not afraid to show it. We do all kinds of things in anticipation of sex. It begins hours before...

 

if my H had begun hours before setting the stage for it.....I'd have been ripping his clothes off too.

 

be careful to not become "the wifey" in your new relationship. It's a two-way street, ya know?

 

What are you wearing CAN become Did you pickup my dry-cleaning in about, oh, two years of living together unless both work hard at keeping it sexy.

[Spark1111]

especially be carefull about asking hi to pick up something for you, lest you be accused of just thinking of him as an "errand boy":laugh:

 

Or using him for his money...

 

Or not paying enough attention to him when the kids are sick, or....

 

I could go on, but I'll shut up now.

[waterwoman]

Good question.

 

We are so careful around each other. As if we've convalescents or old people. I want him to love me like he used - and beleive me he DID love me, so very very much. I was his queen, his goddess, he couldn't beleive I loved him. I want that back. But I don;t know how to get it. If we don't get it back I don't think we will last. I can't be 'good enough' for the rest of my life.

 

It's so so sad.

 

Right now if some lovely man came along prepared to love me like that I don;t know if I could resist

[findingnemo]

I don't think so. I think that we are just more compatible, less inhibited together. We enjoy one another and are not afraid to show it. We do all kinds of things in anticipation of sex. It begins hours before...

 

More compatible? Less inhibited? Don't you know that sex in M is much, much better than sex in a R as two single people? Inhibitions normally cease to exist in Ms. I won't go into details as there is plenty of reading on that subject. The only way you are more compatible is if your MM is in an exit A. Do you believe this is the case for you, So happy?

 

More information from ancient wisdom. If it is an exit A and you two end up together, you will definitely need to hear what posters think about keeping it hot. The daily requirements of family life have a tendency to put a damper on things. BWs had a pretty hot time too when they first got together with their spouses and plenty of other times during their Ms. Sex life has several ups and downs in Ms. It's a fate from which none escape...

[xxoo]

We haven't had any affair involvement, but we have kept it hot for over 20 years!

 

To me, the biggest thing is staying connected and never taking each other for granted. Really see each other. Acknowledge and appreciate all the little things you do for each other. See your partner's greatness, whether at work or at hobby or at parenting. Strive to be your partner's biggest fan, and to be worthy of that in return.

 

If you can stay present that way, each believing that the other is truly the cat's meow, there is no need for wigs and props. The passion burns on its own.

 

95% of it happens outside the bedroom.

[jnel921]

Great responses guys.

 

Spark I agree that I have to do my part as well. My H has suggested some things like sexy underwear and asked me to be more aggressive. I won't lie, my mind still plays mind movies and I question if there are certain things he wants to reenact .

 

LFH...yes there are trade offs. I agree, But often times we just don't have the time. I work days and he works nights. We have small opportunities on Sunday and Monday if any to have sex. We try but right now there is nothing sexy about it.

 

My kids used to spend every other weekend with their dad which gave us alone time but his living arrangements aren't the best as he is going through his own situation.

 

My H sent me a text today promising to bring more heat. Lets see if that happens. I guess I won't know until the weekend. But if he is smart he will start foreplay today.

[So happy together]

Um, you don't get to just blow off your kids commitments and obligations because you need sex. That is part of the whole married and having a family thing.

 

This is why some marriages become stale and ultimately fail. Because people are so busy worrying about their kids, social obligations, work etc. they let their marriage suffer. It's a mistake because when you get older and your kids are gone, you've retired and nobody cares about social obligations, you're still going to have to spend a LOT of time with your partner. If you don't nurture it, you'll be living with a stranger. The parents relationship is just as important as any of the kids obligations. It doesn't take a ton of stuff. Sexy texts, a short phone call, a note in his pocket telling him what you want to do to him... it goes a long way. And it keeps things alive. It doesn't take candlelight dinners and expensive evenings out. Break out the massage oil, have a bath together when the kids go to bed. But blaming 'life' that your sex life sucks is ridiculous. And it's your own fault.

[Furious]

Yeah, you do....or at least you should. Notice I didn't say skip every baseball game and never wash a dish. I said that sometimes the dishes can wait, and that it won't hurt to skip a game. I'm sure Grammy and Grampy would be thrilled to stand in once.

 

If you aren't making a habit of it then it's healthy to put your own relationship first once in a while.

Healthy marriages lead to healthy families.

 

I think those who don't have children don't realize it's not just about skipping their child's baseball game or leaving a few dirty dishes in the sink.

 

LFH, your advice is appreciated regardless.

[So happy together]

I think those who don't have children don't realize it's not just about skipping their child's baseball game or leaving a few dirty dishes in the sink.

 

LFH, your advice is appreciated regardless.

 

I have six children, two with special needs and I still manage. It's all about priorities.

[Furious]

I have six children, two with special needs and I still manage. It's all about priorities.

 

That's impressive, how long have you been married and how do you and your husband keep things hot.

[eleanorrigby]

Things were warm to hot during our early marriage and ice cold/hot as fire for a few years after D-day. Emotions too up and down.

 

Things got hot again when the kids moved out.

 

It will get better.

[So happy together]

That's impressive, how long have you been married and how do you and your husband keep things hot.

 

You know I'm divorced, but was married for a lot of years and the sex was always great. I left the marriage for other reasons, not because I hate my ex, or didn't desire him, there were private issues on his end. Hell, I got pregnant with my youngest two weeks after we separated.

[xxoo]

If it comes to meeting my kids needs, or having sex, kids will win every time. Every time. We don't have local grandparents; it's just us.

 

But we sacrifice tv. Kids go to bed at 9. We go to bed at 10....before we are too tired. No tv in the bedroom. We make our own entertainment

[Furious]

I installed a strobe light in the bedroom and shag carpeting.:bunny:

[So happy together]

I'm curious.........why did you get divorced?

 

As I've said... personal reasons. Which I won't share here.

[xxoo]

I'd like to clarify that never once did I say anyone should neglect a child's needs, nor did I say anyone should do these things for sex. I said you should make spending time a priority and that sometimes you have to give up other things.

I feel the need to point that out because my words have been twisted a bit since I made my original statements.

 

There definitely needs to be balance. Each family needs to assess that balance individually. Sometimes the kids are already short-changed, and work or personal hobbies (or affairs....) are knocking things out of balance.

[Quiet Storm]

My h and I make our room a kid free zone. We try new things and also stick with what works. He loves when I vocalize how I feel... You make me sooo wet. He likes how I look in yoga pants so I wear them around the house. I'll casually bump my a55 into him as we pass in the hall, or bend over to pick up toys & give him a view & a flirty smile, brush my boobs on his arm as I reach past him to get something. Even in mom mode, I still give him little looks or hints to show him that I want him. He knows kids are first, but also knows i'll have time for him, too.

[xxoo]

Bending over in yoga pants Love it!

 

When he's walking up the stairs behind me, I flip up my dress to flash him. Sometimes I'm not wearing underwear!

 

That kind of playful flirting is so fun. In a loving relationship, no reason to stop, ever.