Do I Tell Her Husband is Having an Affair

[OneSparkles]

Hi, I am really conflicted about what to do. I have information and proof in the way of pictures and video that a friend's husband has been having an affair with the same girl he got caught having the affair with 15 years ago.

 

Not only that but on Monday he had this girl come to his house for 4 hours. Let's face it we all know what they were doing inside with the blinds closed.

 

She has no idea and I am so unsure of whether to tell her or not.

 

They have been married for over 30 years, he's a retired cop while she goes to work. She has no idea what he's been up to when she's at work.

 

Should I tell? Should I show her the pictures?

 

Thanks for your help.

 

Sparkles

[Decorative]

Tell her.

 

As someone who has been told, and has told- it's a kindness beyond measure .

[CarrieT]

Wouldn't YOU want someone to tell you if your partner were cheating?

 

Yes - tell....

[TaraMaiden]

I third the motion.

Put the boot on the other foot - if your partner was having an affair, and your friend knew for sure for sure that he was - what would you want HER to do?

 

BtW... understand this could go either way - she may be grateful, but she may also have conflicting feelings against you for providing her with the info that will end her marriage.

 

Don't do this expecting her eternal and undying gratitude.....

[WhoreyBull]

I have a problem with cheating (by that I mean it's my problem...) If someone caught me I think I'd probably want them to tell. You can't let friends and neighbors get involved.

I think if two consenting adults are going to do something they know they shouldn't be caught doing they sure as hell shouldn't be caught. Bringing the girl to the house is the stupidest, rudest thing out there.

I would have gone and banged on the door.

[Ninja'sHusband]

What if he gets her pregnant? What if he gets an STD? How do you think the affair is affecting their marriage? Probably not helping. It needs to be stopped, affairs are dangerous and NOT harmless. Their house is on fire, should you tell? That's my POV. Not to mention you'll seem like an accomplice once she learns the truth and you didn't tell.

Edited April 4, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[OneSparkles]

Yes, I agree I would want to be told.

 

Thank you for all the replies.

 

There is no chance of him getting her pregnant. He's fixed and is 59 years old. The gal in question is 54 years old.

 

He is a retired cop. His wife, my friend still works.

 

I will tell her.

 

We live in a very small town. Because of the small town I know who the woman is and am friends with her and her husband. Her husband is the head of the fire department around here.

 

So should I also tell her husband what's going on at the same time as my friend?

 

This is such a messy situation because of knowing all of the people involved.

 

They were actually caught having an affair in the early 1990's. Everyone thought it was over with.

 

I wish I wasn't the one who stumbled onto this, but now that I am it's so difficult. Do I tell. Is it any of my business.

 

I feel so bad - both the wife and husband that are being cheated on are really nice people and don't deserve this at all.

 

I just can't believe that he let his girlfriend come to his house and for so long.

 

I'm almost mad that I have this information.

 

Thank you for your help

[Steen719]

I had this friend whose husband cheated on her. I had heard for a few years that he was cheating, but because he worked for the railroad and had his "other" family in another city, I never saw him with her. I think, if memory serves me, that almost everyone had heard something about it. After she found out, I can remember her sitting in my car, crying and asking me why I didn't tell her - I was her life long friend; how could I have not told her? I told her I never saw him with her and that if I had and I had been sure, I would have (and I want to believe I would have). She was very hurt that so many people knew and didn't tell her. I don't know what the guys knew for sure, so I can't say who else knew for sure. We also lived in a small town.

 

I cannot imagine a friend of mine knowing for sure and not telling me, but I think it won't be pretty for you and you will need courage and the belief that you are doing what is right. I wonder if the H might tell the OW's husband and spare you that.

 

Good luck. It really stinks that you are in this position.

[whichwayisup]

She knows he's a cheater since he's cheated before. Just shocking that 15 years later he's having an A with the same person.

Chances are, he's been cheating all throughout their marriage with other women.

 

Tell her. She'll be upset of course, so just be there for her and do what you can to support her.

 

How did stumble across this information?

[OneSparkles]

Thank you all for the replies.

 

I will tell her tomorrow.

 

I stumbled onto the information because last week we were all having a discussion about affairs. That's when I found out he had had an affair 15 years ago and with whom. Up until then I didn't know.

 

I had seen the girl he's sleeping with at their house quite a bit over the last few years. I just thought they were friends. I should've known something was up because she was only there whenever my friend was at work.

 

Anyway when I saw her at his house again, this time I knew. I live across the street. So I took pictures, and video, and I watched him close the blinds. I snuck across the street and could hear what was going on. So I have the pictures.

 

Obviously the pictures don't show them having sex. I guess he could explain it away that they were just friends and visiting. I could hear them having sex, but I didn't see it. So he could say it was anything.

 

I don't know she will even believe it with just the pictures of this girls car in their driveway and I can tell her how often she is there.

 

Had we not had that discussion last week I would never have known.

 

Thank you for all the help.

[Bryanp]

I think you should absolutely also tell her husband. If you are going to tell one (which is the correct thing to do) then you need to tell the husband also. It is only fair and right.. Do the right thing and tell them both. Good luck.

[SoleMate]

Just give her the facts, e.g. "They were inside from 10 am to 2 pm with the blinds closed." Don't give her your conclusions! That is for her to decide.

[whichwayisup]

Anyway when I saw her at his house again, this time I knew. I live across the street. So I took pictures, and video, and I watched him close the blinds. I snuck across the street and could hear what was going on. So I have the pictures.

Ok, your heart was in the right place but don't show her any of this. She might lash out at you and think you went too far with vid and pictures. What you can tell her, this woman keeps coming to the house, the same one from 15 years ago, when she out working, give her the time frame, she can 'go to work' but really park the car somewhere else and sneak into your house. watch and wait. Then she can bust him. Or she can come home half an hour after she leaves, and bust him.

[Steen719]

Ok, your heart was in the right place but don't show her any of this. She might lash out at you and think you went too far with vid and pictures. What you can tell her, this woman keeps coming to the house, the same one from 15 years ago, when she out working, give her the time frame, she can 'go to work' but really park the car somewhere else and sneak into your house. watch and wait. Then she can bust him. Or she can come home half an hour after she leaves, and bust him.

 

I agree with the above. Good idea.

[krazikat]

Yes, I agree I would want to be told.

 

Thank you for all the replies.

 

There is no chance of him getting her pregnant. He's fixed and is 59 years old. The gal in question is 54 years old.

 

He is a retired cop. His wife, my friend still works.

 

I will tell her.

 

We live in a very small town. Because of the small town I know who the woman is and am friends with her and her husband. Her husband is the head of the fire department around here.

 

So should I also tell her husband what's going on at the same time as my friend?

 

This is such a messy situation because of knowing all of the people involved.

 

They were actually caught having an affair in the early 1990's. Everyone thought it was over with.

 

I wish I wasn't the one who stumbled onto this, but now that I am it's so difficult. Do I tell. Is it any of my business.

 

I feel so bad - both the wife and husband that are being cheated on are really nice people and don't deserve this at all.

 

I just can't believe that he let his girlfriend come to his house and for so long.

 

I'm almost mad that I have this information.

 

Thank you for your help

 

Tell them both. They have the right to know what their loving spouses are doing with each other. And who knows who else. They both deserve to know. I would not hesitate.

[sweet_pea]

Please tell all BS'.

 

It is incredibly painful to find out that others, friends/family in particular, knew about the affair and didn't tell (regardless of the reason).

 

It's just another betrayal to add onto the already painful and devastating one that the WS/OW created.

Edited April 5, 2013 by sweet_pea

[road]

The BW and the OWH must be told.

[Artie Lang]

if she's a friend then you should defintely tell her.

 

f*ck the naysayers.

[BetrayedH]

Just tell her what you know. Show her pictures if she needs proof that the woman was there.

 

After that, the advice is for her to very quietly go into investigative mode. Check cell phone/text records. Check financial records. Place a voice activated recorder in the house. Or as has been advised already, come home when he doesn't expect it. The problem is that there's always an urge to confront when there's a suspicion. Confronting accomplishes nothing except to reveal that you're watching and then the affair either goes deep underground or they just wait until the dust settles before they resume.

 

I don't recommend ever confronting until you have all the evidence you want or need (speak with an attorney as well) and when you do confront, do so by calling the other woman to come pick up his stuff off of the front lawn because he's moving in. And while I fully agree with telling the other betrayed spouse, you need to wait until you have proof. Sadly, a BS will believe their wayward spouse before they believe a stranger. And then the wayward affair partners are able to coordinate their stories to make you look like a crazy stalker.

 

You and your friend need to use your heads, not your emotions.

[Jonah]

May your karma grow in fertile ground.

 

May all your secrets be revealed to your enemies.

[TaraMaiden]

May your karma grow in fertile ground.

 

Wutt dafuq does that mean - ?!?

[BetrayedH]

May your karma grow in fertile ground.

 

May all your secrets be revealed to your enemies.

 

Hmm. Perhaps karma will be kind enough that her enemy's secrets will be revealed to her, much as she is doing for her friend.

[Bailey14]

May I make a suggestion please? If you know all the parties involved, why not go to the cheating spouses, tell them that they have x amount of time to come clean with their BSs, or you will share their secret with their spouses.

Give them the opportunity to reveal their A and preserve your friendship with the BSs.

[2sunny]

The BH also should know. His kids may be biologically belong to this cheating husband.

[2sunny]

May your karma grow in fertile ground.

 

May all your secrets be revealed to your enemies.

 

Wutt dafuq does that mean - ?!?

 

Jonah is the cheater - and he holds his wife to a different set of standards than he delivers to her.