My husband lied and broke us....

[jnel921]

MY husband lied months ago about some communication he had with a coworkers girlfriend while the guy was away on active duty. He assured me it was her wanting to know his whereabouts and then they became friendlier. Once I called him out on the number of calls and text which were too much for just questions about where the guy was. His coworker was concerned as well but we all let it go.

 

Yesterday I get a call from this woman and she confesses to me that she slept with my husband several times and forwarded me pictures they took together and even a picture of his penis that she sent me saying here you can have it back.

 

She was disgusting on the phone telling me how she enjoyed my husband

But was in love with her man and wants to come clean so that he can give her a chance. The guy got pissed, called her a pig, punched her car and pretty much told off my husband the next day.

 

I was shocked and deeply hurt. The woman told me he had a second phone that he used just to call her. When I confronted him he said that he needed the phone because she was calling him and he was afraid she would expose the times they slept together to his coworker. I was even more upset as I felt he should have said this back in August when I confronted him about the phone calls and text message.

 

I have blocked her number and had my husband destroy the phone. He was crying to me telling me it happened twice. He said he didn't care for her that way and only loved me. Of course I can't believe that right now.

 

He wants to go to counseling to make it work. I am numb. This is not the first time I have dealt with this. I left my first husband for the same reason. He knows this is the deal breaker.

 

My kids don't want to see us split. My son feels that my husband wants to stay as opposed to his dad who gladly left. My husband wants me to give him a chance. But after the pics and details of what they did I can't help but to feel physically sick and the nauseating feeling in my gut won't go away,.

 

I am still hurting so much. He apologizes every couple f hours. I am angry that he had unprotected sex. Had no regard for me. He barely has sex with me and he gave it to her so easily. He can barely get it up in bed but had the biggest hard on in the pic. I am so angry and disgusted I don't know what my next move should be.

 

Someone please talk to me. I am dying inside.

[Janesays]

I am so so sorry this happened to you. I know it hurts; been there myself. Go ahead and vent: we're listening.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Double post. As the one in the parent Marriage forum already has a reply I suggest we all reply there.

[CC12]

Yikes. That sucks, OP. I don't know what to tell you, except:

 

Go ahead and vent: we're listening.

 

Do you want to stay with him?

[Artie Lang]

your husband is a total d0chebag and is only sorry he got caught.

 

this would've gone on longer if not for this sk*nk's confession. seriously.....who does this to co-worker? i hope he gets his ass kicked.

 

you're better off without him.

[whichwayisup]

He can apologize all he wants, words right now mean nothing. He needs to prove himself to you, be genuine and also get counseling (on his own and with you as well).. Even then that may not be enough. He knew how hurt you were in the past, knows that cheating is a deal breaker, yet he went ahead and betrayed you in the worst possible way. He didn't come clean - His 'in your face' exOW broke the news to you! I wonder if she hadn't called, would he have told you the truth?

 

Take your time, no decision has to be made right now.

 

Sorry you're hurting and even more sorry that he did this you and your family unit.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

Jnel, I am very sorry this is happening to you.

 

I see you are a LS user since ~2004 and I have read your other threads from years and years back - Inappropriate IMs (you and him, separately), lack of sex (his prob), the one where you booted him hard in the nuts, the one where he logs in under your ID and says you are an angry controlling person who doesn't trust him. All water long under the bridge but it is clear, you and your H are really not good at communicating with each other.

 

That may be the root, but you have a decision to make: divorce now or work on the M. They had sex together only twice? I .... doubt that. You could ask the OW or the OW's H about that. It's the longstanding calculated plan of deception - in the face of your suspicion - that's the killer here. How can you trust a deceiver?

 

The only positive thing I can say is that if, IF, this problem brings to a head the many other issues which bedevil your marriage and kickstart the candid full communication between you two which has a longstanding absence, THEN you have a chance at a much better marriage than before.

 

Why have enthusiastic sex with a skank - that he PURSUED - and not with you? You have every right to kick this cheater to the curb. Whether you do so or not should depend on whether your needs and his can both be met within the marriage. Which will require both communication and trust. If he's trickle-truthing then those are both stymied. I'm not a fan of MC but your communication issues are so poor that if you decide to work on the marriage, then MC may help. IF you want to give that route a chance I suppose you will hold it all together for the kids for now. Otherwise, get a lawyer and serve the *******.

 

Best wishes in this awful, difficult time.

Edited October 18, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy

[BetrayedH]

I typically say that in order to reconcile it takes (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. You cannot have the second come before the first. Usually the wayward ruins it (again) by continuing to lie in one way or another.

 

In this case, I'm not sure you can forgive. You've already been here. I can tell you that if I ever have another cheating partner in my life, I will IMMEDIATELY walk. I ain't doin' this again. Period. End of freakin' story.

 

And I love my kids but they don't get a vote because I'm not staying for the kids. In fact, I would more likely show my kids that you DON'T tolerate this kind of behavior and treatment.

 

What do you say? Do you think he is (and will remain) truly remorseful? Do you think you could forgive?

 

By the way, my gut says that them having sex "twice" is complete bull****. That's what they all say. They more likely had sex twice yesterday. Doesn't sound like true remorse to me.

[Solcita2]

you have a decision to make: divorce now or work on the M. They had sex together only twice? I .... doubt that. You could ask the OW or the OW's H about that. It's the longstanding calculated plan of deception - in the face of your suspicion - that's the killer here. How can you trust a deceiver?

 

The only positive thing I can say is that if, IF, this problem brings to a head the many other issues which bedevil your marriage and kickstart the candid full communication between you two which has a longstanding absence, THEN you have a chance at a much better marriage than before.

 

Why have enthusiastic sex with a skank - that he PURSUED - and not with you? You have every right to kick this cheater to the curb. Whether you do so or not should depend on whether your needs and his can both be met within the marriage. Which will require both communication and trust. If he's trickle-truthing then those are both stymied. I'm not a fan of MC but your communication issues are so poor that if you decide to work on the marriage, then MC may help. IF you want to give that route a chance I suppose you will hold it all together for the kids for now. Otherwise, get a lawyer and serve the *******.

 

Best wishes in this awful, difficult time.

 

I agree 110%!!!!!!!!!

[BetheButterfly]

MY husband lied months ago about some communication he had with a coworkers girlfriend while the guy was away on active duty. He assured me it was her wanting to know his whereabouts and then they became friendlier. Once I called him out on the number of calls and text which were too much for just questions about where the guy was. His coworker was concerned as well but we all let it go.

 

Yesterday I get a call from this woman and she confesses to me that she slept with my husband several times and forwarded me pictures they took together and even a picture of his penis that she sent me saying here you can have it back.

 

I am feeling very disgusted right now. That is horrible and so low and ...

 

She was disgusting on the phone telling me how she enjoyed my husband

But was in love with her man and wants to come clean so that he can give her a chance. The guy got pissed, called her a pig, punched her car and pretty much told off my husband the next day.

 

I was shocked and deeply hurt. The woman told me he had a second phone that he used just to call her. When I confronted him he said that he needed the phone because she was calling him and he was afraid she would expose the times they slept together to his coworker. I was even more upset as I felt he should have said this back in August when I confronted him about the phone calls and text message.

 

I have blocked her number and had my husband destroy the phone. He was crying to me telling me it happened twice. He said he didn't care for her that way and only loved me. Of course I can't believe that right now.

 

Don't believe him. The fact that he bought a phone to call her shows this is premeditated, not just an "accident." He does not truly love you. I truly love my husband and that means I would never cheat on him. My husband truly loves me too. However, if he or I ever cheat, we will both know that our love was not true but rather fake and a lie. No, your husband does not truly love you. True love would not hurt you like this. Don't believe his lies.

 

He wants to go to counseling to make it work. I am numb. This is not the first time I have dealt with this. I left my first husband for the same reason. He knows this is the deal breaker.

 

Sadly, the saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" has truth in it in the cases for most people who cheat. My darling Aunt experienced cheating in her first marriage. However, she thankfully divorced him and married a guy who loves her and is faithful to her. It is very sad that this guy did not choose to be faithful to you. It is indeed a deal breaker. That is his loss. However, there are still guys in the world who are faithful to their word and are not liars and deceivers. (Buying another phone to "hide" his cheating doubles the injury.)

My kids don't want to see us split. My son feels that my husband wants to stay as opposed to his dad who gladly left. My husband wants me to give him a chance. But after the pics and details of what they did I can't help but to feel physically sick and the nauseating feeling in my gut won't go away,.

 

What a mean lady. She tried to hurt both you and the guy (your husband) she cheated with. She succeeded. Your husband is just as guilty.

 

I understand that your kids don't want to see their parents split. It is natural to want one's parents to be happily in love forever. That is the ideal because that gives joy and security, for kids to see their Mommy and Daddy love each other. Your husband really hurt your kids too. He betrayed them and you.

 

If you stay, that might teach your son that it's ok for men to betray their families and break their commitment of faithfulness. Sadly, many men who cheat have seen their dads do that to their moms. Men who cheat are not a good role model as to how a husband should honor his wife, but rather teach the opposite through their actions. Your son is too young to understand this, I think.

 

 

I am still hurting so much. He apologizes every couple f hours. I am angry that he had unprotected sex. Had no regard for me. He barely has sex with me and he gave it to her so easily. He can barely get it up in bed but had the biggest hard on in the pic. I am so angry and disgusted I don't know what my next move should be.

 

Someone please talk to me. I am dying inside.

 

I am sorry you are dying inside. I would be too in your situation. Please know you are not alone. Many wonderful ladies experience their husbands' breaking their word/commitment, as well as many wonderful men experiencing their wives' breaking their word/commitment. However, you are not to blame. It's not your fault he broke his word.

 

My advice is to go somewhere that you don't see him and meditate. If possible, it might be good to take your kids and go to your parents' house. When my wonderful aunt learned of her her first husband's unfaithfulness, she went to my Dad's house and later to her Dad's house. She needed the time away in order to think and plan for her future.

 

It's good that you know what happened. Now you can make informed decisions about what you want to do. Personally, I believe that cheating voids the marriage. Now, if you really love him and believe that he won't hurt you like that again (and you need to see proof of this) then you can most definitely renew your marriage vows. Some people do that. However, I don't think it's bad to divorce for this but rather consider when that person cheated, the divorce was already being written. It is only a matter of if you decide to finalize the divorce or renew the marriage.

 

Also, it's important to forgive. Forgive means to not allow bitterness or anger poison your heart. That's important for your wellbeing. Forgiveness however does not mean that you need to allow another person to stomp on your heart. You can forgive and yet decide to protect yourself from further wounds. Sad to say, many abused ladies try to forgive their abusive husbands/boyfriends yet stay in the situation, allowing their partners to continue to abuse them. This is a vicious cycle. You can forgive and go to a safety from that person continuing to hurt you.

 

Now, I know that even if you decide to separate, what he did will continue to hurt you in your mind. However, deciding to forgive and working towards not letting bitterness poison you will help your heart eventually to heal. Please forgive, even though that doesn't mean to take him back. If you take him back, make sure he truly is serious, truly wants to love you not in words but in action, and not just scared of losing.

[CarboniteCammy]

Would he have come clean if she had not called to tell you of the affair?

[strongnrelaxed]

I tend to come down on the side of the man, but this is a harsh thing to endure. I am so sorry that you had to find out this way. I am not surprised that a woman inflicted this pain on you, but that is another story.

 

Your man cheated and you will likely hold this against him for the rest of your time together. Marriage counseling is becoming extinct - I spoke to a counselor about this who suggested that repeatedly bringing up the past actually makes it worse.

 

Whatever is lacking in your relationship that he felt strongly enough about to cheat is likely still there - assuming you are truly being yourself with him. So I hope you do not feel pressured to change who you are to accommodate any more of his needs.

 

I hate to say this, but you should start protecting yourself. You know what I mean.

[2sunny]

I read your thread that was started earlier in the year.

 

Seems your H has this pattern...

 

Seems you need to make decisions in YOUR best interest. He seems to be sorry he gets caught not necessarily sorry he did it.

 

He hasn't really had any consequences along the way. He needs counseling - did he do that last time?

 

Either way - I'm sad for your pain. Stay strong... Hugs

[j'adore]

I am sorry that the OW said those things to you. I am an OW and after 4 years of MM telling me he had told his BS, I confronted her and asked if she knew, I never gave her evidence or any hurtful details at all.

 

I wonder if this OW knew that your H would lie to you, he maybe had lied to her as they all deny deny deny. And although she gave you proof, knew that your H would just lie his way out of it if she didn't. Not looking to justify this, but can now see that maybe I would have been better giving her evidence.

[jnel921]

thank you all for your words. He is remorseful and sorry. She is the sk**k and his coworker has called me bacuse she keeps calling him and torturing him with details that he has shared with me.

 

As hard as it is to hear, she wanted whichever one of them would have her. She was upset because I did not initially kick him out and I think she hoped he;d run to her. The co worker is devasted as he was really good friends with my husband. He feels betrayed as well. The woman was his GF and he has no problem letting her go but was checking in with me to see if I was ok.

 

I have been having random bouts of distracting thoughts and call him to ask questions or tell him how I feel. He keeps crying and swearing he wants to dedicate his life to me and the kids.

 

He made an appointment to see a marriage counselor next week. So I guess this is a start.

 

I dont think anyone wants their spouse hurting them this way, but I beleive if there is some kind of remorse or wake up call it might be worth doing this.

 

At least at the very end I can say I exhausted every resource before making a final decision. I am taking this slow because I know how angry I am.

[jnel921]

Thanks everyone. I noticed I posted this twice. Once here and the infidelity section. I am still hurt. The co worker has contacted me to see if I was ok. His now ex GF is trying to get him back as well but has provided him with too many details that he cant stomach.

 

My H was his good friend. He feels more betrayed over that. He said it was easy to let her go but of course he is concerned about what I will do.

 

My husband has been remorseful. No matter how many times, where , when or what have you the bottom line is he had sex with someone else.

 

He wants to fix our marriage. He has already set up a marriage counseling session next week. I am angry and still need time to come to any decision.

 

If it doesnt work and I cannot get past this I can at least say I exhausted every resource. I do love my husband. I realize that the love wasnt strong enough for him if he could do this. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. Hopefully therapy will work for him.

 

Right now he says he loves me, but I know he is just scared. Scared to lose his home and family.

 

This is a tough time. I never thought he would do this to me.

[VeveCakes]

The fact that he can not get an erection with you but had one with this woman is very telling.

 

There is an issue in your relationship, are you aware of what that might be? ( Prior to this).

[jnel921]

BTW, no he wouldn't have come clean as he said he didnt want to see me hurt or lose me.

 

He claimed the extra phone was in fear she would tell his friend and me.

[2sunny]

Thanks everyone. I noticed I posted this twice. Once here and the infidelity section. I am still hurt. The co worker has contacted me to see if I was ok. His now ex GF is trying to get him back as well but has provided him with too many details that he cant stomach.

 

My H was his good friend. He feels more betrayed over that. He said it was easy to let her go but of course he is concerned about what I will do.

 

My husband has been remorseful. No matter how many times, where , when or what have you the bottom line is he had sex with someone else.

 

He wants to fix our marriage. He has already set up a marriage counseling session next week. I am angry and still need time to come to any decision.

 

If it doesnt work and I cannot get past this I can at least say I exhausted every resource. I do love my husband. I realize that the love wasnt strong enough for him if he could do this. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. Hopefully therapy will work for him.

 

Right now he says he loves me, but I know he is just scared. Scared to lose his home and family.

 

This is a tough time. I never thought he would do this to me.

 

But he cheated before, right? Is there a reason to keep forgiving him only to have him crap on you time and time again?

[frozensprouts]

wow...

not sure how things work where you are, but here, if a guy sleeps with the wife ( or girlfriend ) of a guy who's deployed he's considered the lowest of the low...I think it does say something about your husband that he would do that to a friend, co worker and deployed member.

 

I don't know him, but you do. What do you think his behavior says about him? Does he seem trust worthy to you?

[GLDheart]

There are some really good points in this thread. Here are a few thoughts that I could have typed myself:

 

...I think it does say something about your husband that he would do that to a friend, co worker and deployed member...

 

... if I ever have another cheating partner in my life, I will IMMEDIATELY walk. I ain't doin' this again. Period. End of freakin' story...

 

 

The biggest lesson in all of this for me has been ACTIONS are greater than WORDS. Your husband's actions are that of a overly entitled greedy scumbag.

 

I'm so sorry for what he is putting you through.

[ComingInHot]

Jnel:

 

Your husband's OW outed the A just like mine did, under the guise of being "sorry" then going on to dig and hurt and boast.

That was when I felt sorry for her. My FWH had already ended it w/her by then but was trying to keep everything "friendly" so she wouldn't go and "out" him to me. Which of course she did.

I got a lot of Unwanted truth as well as exaggeration and Non truth from her as well.

FWH pretty much "couldn't remember" and/or only admitted what I already knew and/or contested what was really Not true...

He DID tell that he had no intention of EVER telling me though and that Still stings as I think of everything else he will Never tell me.

 

So, what can I tell you... You are NOT ALONE!! Many here completely understand what you are going through and what you Will go through.

We are here for you as you decide what you want to do w/this mess.

[jnel921]

I agree that what he did was the lowest of the low. Although he did have sex with another woman my biggest concern is why. We start MC tomorrow. I am optimistic that it will help me get through this. I am hoping that it helps him get to the bottom of that behavior. He didn't just hurt me, he hurt his good friend as well. I know he too has been tormented as this woman has been calling him and even showed up at their place of work Saturday night. She pulled him away for a few hours to argue her case to him. My husband was no where near them but heard how this was affecting the work that was supposed to happen that night.

 

My H did tell me if he ever saw her he'd walk away. We were able to speak more this weekend. He is still remorseful, has taken a different tone and keeps talking of a new relationship wit me.

 

We have had issues since 2007. His behavior in the past never exposed cheating but it did show me that perhaps one day he would cross that line. So now he has. I am by no means someone who just tolerates that behavior. My kids don't know about about the affair. They do know about the fight I had with him back in August when I realized he was talking with her.

 

I am anxious to see the Marriage Counselor tomorrow. I went to counseling for 5 years after my last divorce to help me with my feelings. I know this is not about me. I told him he may even come to the conclusion that he doesn't really love me after this is all said and done. So I am preparing myself for the worst. whether its me that decides it. I am not willing to accept any excuse.

 

I know there is work that I have to do as we'll if we do try to give this a fair shot. Right now I am taking this day by day and I am putting it in prayer.

 

Thanks to everyone's input. It really helps me more than you know.

[2sunny]

You've had evidence that your H disrespected and disregarded you many times in the past...

 

Why are you anxious to sweep it under the rug?

 

What consequences has he really had?

 

He hurt you - he needs to repair the damage HE caused.

 

I think you're going too easy on him - especially looking at your prior threads - he seems to act like he's single.

[2sunny]

But he cheated before, right? Is there a reason to keep forgiving him only to have him crap on you time and time again?

 

And you seem to be avoiding answering the question.

 

Is avoiding a pattern for you?