Trickle Truth

[Kidd]

You gotta love it.

[TaraMaiden]

As in....

 

'Bite-sized chunks that make you finally realise you were right all along, but that actually, you're none the wiser and never will be'....?

[Kidd]

As in....

 

'Bite-sized chunks that make you finally realise you were right all along, but that actually, you're none the wiser and never will be'....?

 

Nice summary.

[Afishwithabike]

Kidd, are you finding out more new things since D-Day?

[Spark1111]

Trickle truth has ruined more reconciliations than the actual affair.

 

TTing makes the BS realize how weak and cowardly their fWS is; it is crazy-making, selfish, self-serving and cowardly.

 

It teaches you, like a slap in the face, that their shame is, and always will be, greater than your pain, and it is here that you TRULY realize how sad your fWS is; they are incapable of giving YOU the strenth and courage you need to heal from their betrayal. The sun stops rising and setting on their shoulders and all you thought they were gets grounded in cold, hard reality. They are soooo weak.

 

You have a choice: Accept them for who they truly are (weak, damaged, unable) or walk away. You gave them the gift of reconciliation, and despite seeing the pain and devastation they caused you, they still continue to lie, omit, and minimize to preserve their weak ego and self-image.

 

You finally realize how needy they are; how they are so vulnerable; while you finally understand how susceptible they were to the attentions and flattery of a stranger, you are disheartened as you realize too well how it happened and how their lack of boundaries led to the most painful episode of your life.

 

If you overcame the affair and if you overcame the lies and deception to your face ---very, very difficult to do--- you will always be left with the total lack of respect for them from TT'ing.

 

And it is in this you realize how damaged your partner was; that they continued to lie to you because they themselves could not FACE what they had done....like a naughty child.

 

Heartbreaking.

 

You can regain love. You can regain trust. But respect? Respect is the hardest to regain and with every trickle-truth, uttered to protect them at your emotional expense, they tarnish themselves....often forever.

[Kidd]

Trickle truth has ruined more reconciliations than the actual affair.

 

TTing makes the BS realize how weak and cowardly their fWS is; it is crazy-making, selfish, self-serving and cowardly.

 

It teaches you, like a slap in the face, that their shame is, and always will be, greater than your pain, and it is here that you TRULY realize how sad your fWS is; they are incapable of giving YOU the strenth and courage you need to heal from their betrayal. The sun stops rising and setting on their shoulders and all you thought they were gets grounded in cold, hard reality. They are soooo weak.

 

You have a choice: Accept them for who they truly are (weak, damaged, unable) or walk away. You gave them the gift of reconciliation, and despite seeing the pain and devastation they caused you, they still continue to lie, omit, and minimize to preserve their weak ego and self-image.

 

You finally realize how needy they are; how they are so vulnerable; while you finally understand how susceptible they were to the attentions and flattery of a stranger, you are disheartened as you realize too well how it happened and how their lack of boundaries led to the most painful episode of your life.

 

If you overcame the affair and if you overcame the lies and deception to your face ---very, very difficult to do--- you will always be left with the total lack of respect for them from TT'ing.

 

And it is in this you realize how damaged your partner was; that they continued to lie to you because they themselves could not FACE what they had done....like a naughty child.

 

Heartbreaking.

 

You can regain love. You can regain trust. But respect? Respect is the hardest to regain and with every trickle-truth, uttered to protect them at your emotional expense, they tarnish themselves....often forever.

 

How true. Thanks Spark.

[Kidd]

Kidd, are you finding out more new things since D-Day?

 

Yep. Discovered her blog (one entry) which graphically described their first encounter, on my couch, which strangely conflicts with her story that he was never in my house. Damn.

[Kidd]

Yep. Discovered her blog (one entry) which graphically described their first encounter, on my couch, which strangely conflicts with her story that he was never in my house. Damn.

 

It's been boring around here lately. Sorry it was me to bring some drama to LS.

[Steen719]

UGH!! Did you confront her with the information?

[Kidd]

UGH!! Did you confront her with the information?

 

Yep. She admitted. But pretty much nothing further. Bummer.

[Steen719]

Yep. She admitted. But pretty much nothing further. Bummer.

 

So, are you still reconciling? Rethinking it? Going forward like it did not happen?

Truth is so hard for some people.

 

Trickle truth has ruined more reconciliations than the actual affair.

So true, from Spark. I still never got it all and never will and now there is no reason to. For me, if there was no trust, there was no point.

 

Sorry, Kidd.

[Bryanp]

It is highly symbolic when a spouse brings their lover to the home to have sex. It is the ultimate in degrading and humiliating you and your relationship. She would have to have absolutely no respect for you whatsoever to screw him in your home. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Have you been tested for STD's?

[Severely Unamused]

You know, I did keep up with your sitch, and this has really brought me down.

 

What's the plan, Kidd?

[YellowShark]

It is highly symbolic when a spouse brings their lover to the home to have sex. It is the ultimate in degrading and humiliating you and your relationship.

 

Yup. so true. It is one thing to throw you under a bus for another. It is totally another level of disrespect to bring the OM into YOUR home to bang him. That just beyond the pale. She obviously has no respect for you or your home, she will simply bang this dude where ever it pleases her. Selfish cow. I would blackhole her in a heartbeat and she can bring him to her "new home" if she wishes - the back seat of her car!

[standtall]

Kidd,

 

I just took an hour lunch to read your 9 pages of nightmare posts. I feel for you..

 

Don't give up yet.

[Spark1111]

Yep. Discovered her blog (one entry) which graphically described their first encounter, on my couch, which strangely conflicts with her story that he was never in my house. Damn.

 

Double damn....

 

I am amazed at how many a WS does not comprehend that every trickle-truth and outright lie sets the recovery clock squarely back to zero...

 

All the BS want to do is to trust that now, after DDAY, they are still not lying to us.

 

But they do, and they are so dense to not get that; dense, cowardly, damaged or for some, self-centered to an extent that boggles the mind.

 

The act, the actual deed, was the supreme betrayal; NOT the telling of it.

 

We give them an opportunity to tell the truth, just tell the truth of it all, so we can deal with the pain ONCE and assess the scope of what we need to forgive and work on to reconcile and they do this trickle-truthing.

 

Six months after reconciling, H and I return from a really productive MC session and I ask him if besides BLANK, were there any other places he took his OW to under the guise of "business."

 

He looked me square in the face and said "no."

 

I find out a few weeks later that it was a lie and I sought advice from a divorce attorney that week. I was ready to walk and told him so and asked him WHY OH WHY did you do that? I really would not have cared where he took her, just tell the damn truth.

 

His response: I was afraid you'd get angry.

 

And in that flash I realized that I would never be able to undo his FOO issues and that he probably would always lack the courage to face those issues himself.

 

And I lost so much respect for him in that single stupid lie.

 

Do I love him? Yes. Do I respect him the way I use to? No. He is so weak and insecure. He just wants everyone to smile and be happy with him all the time, so unlike the abusive childhood he does not want to confront at all. Hence, he still avoids conflict.

 

Truth is everything to me. Telling the truth is THE major component to restoring trust, no matter how painful or shameful it may be for the teller to admit to.

[stopdropandroll]

My wife preached to me all the time about how she was such an honest and open person and how it is so important to her. She actually prides herself in being "open and honest." From experience she is just the opposite.

 

I think she took trickle truth to be an art form and thought herself to be Picasso. Her DDay story was full of holes and rationally didn't make a lot of sense. I know she told me some outright lies which when I confronted her she told me she couldn't keep the truth straight in her head because I was confusing her. Her response to 99% of my questions was that it wasn't appropriate to tell me, I couldn't "handle the truth," she didn't want it to effect our marriage, she didn't want me to hold it against her, etc. Slowly she divulged more details without actually "updating" her original story.

 

I hung on for 3 months of that but finally couldn't take it anymore. I realized she felt no real remorse and was simply doing her best to protect herself from having to take accountability for her actions.

[beenburned]

I got the whole truth after being married 20 years.

[Kidd]

Home from jail.

 

Got drunk last night. Got some more truth via text message. Came home. Burnt the couch in the backyard. Threw my wife out the front door when she refused to leave without the kids. Hello jail.

 

Court mandated no contact with the victim til my court date (two weeks). Found another place to stay. Guess I won't be seeing my kids.

 

Wife was scared to tell me. Horribly descriptive blog post. Ouch. Amazing to say I still love her and hope to reconcile. Perhaps I'll never learn.

I have two weeks to think about it. And so does she.

 

Spark, your posts are so accurate that it's scary. I can handle the hurt (although not when drunk) but trust has to be restored. The lack of TT kept me going. Turns out that thinking you're the exception is the rule. She did come out with some brutal honesty last night after my initial discovery. I truly think I have it all now. The depth of the affair doesn't kill me anymore. To some extent, my own "revenge" affair showed me how deep the rabbit hole goes and I can sympathize to a real extent. I'm worried about the present. Who knows if there is hope for us now. Would've been in a much better position without the whole domestic battery. Geesh.

 

Don't need much counsel but nice to know someone is listening.

[Steen719]

Well, I guess most betrayed spouses have wanted to destroy something and alcohol and anger...well...you know all too well.

 

Just from what I have read about you, it has seemed like you and your wife needed to have some time apart, but of course, not this way and not away from your kids.

 

I don't know, Kidd, some people actually reconcile after the worst of circumstances, so I guess it is possible. I would never say never for anyone but me. Just for me, just me, I would have to love someone and have no doubt they loved me before I would even would think about it. Love is not all you need, but you sure couldn't reconcile without it. Almost everyone on here who actually reconciles and makes it work says one thing in common and that is they loved their spouse and that did not change. It would not work for me in my situation (H did it at least twice), but every situation is different.

 

I'm sorry for your troubles. I really am and I hope you can get some peace.

[Kidd]

Well, I guess most betrayed spouses have wanted to destroy something and alcohol and anger...well...you know all too well.

 

Just from what I have read about you, it has seemed like you and your wife needed to have some time apart, but of course, not this way and not away from your kids.

 

I don't know, Kidd, some people actually reconcile after the worst of circumstances, so I guess it is possible. I would never say never for anyone but me. Just for me, just me, I would have to love someone and have no doubt they loved me before I would even would think about it. Love is not all you need, but you sure couldn't reconcile without it. Almost everyone on here who actually reconciles and makes it work says one thing in common and that is they loved their spouse and that did not change. It would not work for me in my situation (H did it at least twice), but every situation is different.

 

I'm sorry for your troubles. I really am and I hope you can get some peace.

 

Thanks for the support. I'm actually doing ok tonight. At this point, I think she may initiate the divorce. That will be a sad thing if it comes to pass; this can be repaired. She's fearful of me right now and I suspect her parents will help facilitate the safe decision. I will know that I did indeed try as hard as I could. I made mistakes which I regret but even the worst of them were all part of an attempt to reconcile with my wife that was simply lost to a fantasy world. We can either do it together now or apart. I think we're better off together (I imagine our pride later in life when this is a challenge in the past that we overcame together). Perhaps that's my fantasy. Stay tuned. I'll be doing the best I can.

[Kidd]

It's not really a strange conflict, it's simply a lie. There's nothing strange or unusual about a cheater who lies about the extent of their affair activities.

 

Welcome back. And yes, I was being sarcastic about it being strange.

 

Come to gloat?

[Owl]

Damn...you know things are in a state when I'm agreeing with QW.

 

Get a lawyer.

 

Odds are...at this point between your revenge affair and your actions last night, you've done pretty much everything you possibly could to destroy any true likelihood of reconciliation.

 

At this point, you need to take actions to protect yourself and your chances of seeing your kids regularly as part of the divorce that's very likely on it's way right now.

 

Any plans for rebuilding a relationship with your wife need to be on the back burner, and are likely YEARS away from happening...if ever. Focus now on repairing the damage you've likely created in your relationship with your kids as a result of last night, and figure out how to protect yourself financially (and legally) in the near term future.

[Kidd]

I think we know who is pontificating.

 

All advice is welcome. I'll take what I choose and leave the rest. I'm responsible for my own decisions.

 

QW, as I've said before, it's your method that leaves something to be desired, not your content (as demonstrated by the t/j)

[2sunny]

So-

 

Your W posted a blog for anyone to read (as a sort of bragging about her actions) and she expects you won't be mad about it when you get her truth in that fashion - when you've been begging for her truth all along and she wouldn't give it to the person who had been asking?

 

Wow. I'd be mad too.

 

But my anger would be directed at cutting her immediately out of my life! I did cut my exH immediately out of my life - after almost 25 years together!

 

I decided in a split second that his betrayal wasn't love. I decided I deserved more than his lies ( even lies by omission) that were killing my spirit.

 

I became unwilling to participate with him killing me any further.

 

THAT was MY healthy boundary! He has his lies. He can take them to his grave. I don't even care to know.

 

When I stopped handing him and his lies and betrayal that much power over MY happiness - is when I began to live again.

 

Drinking will make EVERYTHING worse - I can guarantee it. I speak from MY own experience.

Edited December 28, 2011 by 2sunny