Update/Support

[LostIt2010]

For those that remember and have given me advice....

 

After a crying meltdown and staying in bed half the day, hurting after speaking to him on Thursday... I've made efforts. I haven't contacted him. He has me however and I do respond back BUT I'm keeping it far shorter and not txting him back and forth all day. I don't really know if I can do no contact right now, but I'm trying to work on what I can and distance myself a little for my own sake.

 

My Ft. Worth plan has fallen completely through. My college I would transfer my student teaching through, the only nearby one, is going to require I pay their milage/salary for them to observe me at the Ft. Worth placement (bc of the distance and transfer reasons) and it is way expensive, my student loan won't even cover it. and because of that and other financial reasons I'm stuck where I am, it is still about 40 mins away from hometown/husband, but its kinda hard. I'll graduate in December and be able to look at moving then, but who knows what will happen between now and then. At least it is no rent/utilities and i'll have my normal job and I can put back money and have weekends to go to Ft. Worth and get away with my sister.

 

He texts me things like "he knows it does us neither any good but he thinks about me all the time, he misses me, he is scared, he feels out of control... just waiting to crash, he says it is hard and i'm never really out of his head, and how he thinks of our future sometimes, and how he doesn't know if he can ever let go of me, how confused he is and doesn't know what to do" He still doesn't really give me anything other than things like that and I know he is still talking to her. My friend saw him at a work function and said he sat there looking miserable with his head in his hands. It was a hard weekend for me. I only spoke to him once. I was very sad and didn't really get out of house. I dream about him even. I need to get through this week, my sister is coming down and we have stuff planned for all weekend so I am actually looking forward to that. I hurt all the time, I worry about him and his struggle, and wonder what he is doing.

 

I just feel like I'm barely getting through the day sometimes. he is constantly on my mind. It is so hard. I feel really alone alot. I fight contacting him all day. I'm trying not to expect him to do anything so I'm not sad when it doesn't happen, I'm trying to not have expectations. I'm trying to think of me and what helps me, but even that is a challenge. but Im trying. It has been almost 3 weeks since I actually heard his voice or saw him, we have just txted. I miss him so much it physically hurts, everything reminds me of him, God I miss him.

 

I feel lost. I don't even know why I posted here, maybe just for the advice and people who have went through this.

[LostIt2010]

we talked a few times since this past post, yesterday he told me how his physical and interview went. he checked out healthy and he was offered a new job just 20 mins away at a better school, better pay, better hours, etc. he said he didn't know what to do. I said I thought he was all about this new job (what he just told me 2 days ago) and asked why he was hesitant.

 

he proceeds to tell me I am hounding him, etc. I stay calm and say I dunno why he is getting so mad and he said i didn't care, which total bull. I'm going through all this bc I do care about us and love him very much. he said OW is one that pushed him for physical like trying to make me feel bad when I have asked him to go get checked out for physical for 2 years, even making two appts for him that he decided not to go to... i guess he forgets all the nice, caring things i do. its like he is a different person, i don't understand. i was so upset, its like he just forgot all of our good and tries to make me feel bad when he is feeling guilty. i told him i guess he is one that didn't care bc he had an affair, and he makes me out to be this monster. he said he is confused and says he is weak, and doesn't know how we could work with her living 5 miles down road from our house. he said he doesn't feel like himself and he doesn't know what to do. he makes her out to be perfect, like she can do no wrong. saying she just said good luck and didn't have an agenda to benifit her, my f*cking ass she doesn't have an agenda that is why she asks when he is gonna divorce me all the time and is needy fishing around for some sort of committment from him (all this he has told me), not to mention he talks about all her baby daddy #2 drama.

 

i finally said "well until you decide what to do maybe we should break from each other and not talk. you make me out to be a thorn in your side and i don't want to be that to someone" i was just sobbing the whole time i was saying it. he says "ok LostIt, I love you" like ok whatever.

 

I called my friend and she said I have to be strong and bitchy. she said if he txts some crap and tries to make me feel bad to turn it on him and not talk to him. she said for some reason men always come back to bitches. i dunno what else to do. everytime i talk to him seems like he hurts me, blames me, or tells me he loves me and is confused. its like he is trying to convence himself of her or that we were so broken.

 

i know a marriage takes two, and i admit i wasn't perfect. but i was not a monster, i thought we were happy. we did things together, i did things for him, i thought he was stressed bc of his job and i tried to talk to him, to be there for him, we were intimate, i'm not some hideous troll, i would bring him little surprises to work, i told him i loved him all the time. i don't understand why he attacks me like i don't care or don't love him... like i didn't do it right my friend said its bc he feels guilty so he takes it out on me. i dunno, its hard not to blame myself for all this when he says things like that.

 

i'm trying to be strong, i'm just hurting so much. i just wish i could understand i wish i could be ok with myself, but after this and things he has said i feel horrible about myself.

[Spark1111]

He is in deep fog and of course he is blaming you; he has to justify his actions in his mind. It is a fairly normal response to the pain his affair has caused you.

 

But it shouldn't be your problem. You did not do anything wrong. Blaming yourself is also a pretty normal response. It is the BS's way of trying to understand and control the trauma you are feeling.

 

Give yourself permission to really dwell on the magnitude of this deception. It is not that he developed feelings for another; it is that he did not disclose them to you thereby allowing YOU to decide how you wanted to proceed with HIM. Separate? Counseling? You pursue other realtionships?

 

Nah, he wanted both women. The issues are his alone.

 

So, what are you going to do with YOUR life while he flips back and forth between you and her?

 

Lost, this scenario can go on for years if you allow yourself to participate in HIS drama.

 

Shut the door. Get a life. Be as happy as you possibly can be. Exercise is a great panacea. Look up old friends, take a class.

 

Gain some confidence so you know what you need and want in a relationship. Then DEMAND it.

 

If he cannot provide it, so be it. Some one else will.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

((((((((Lostit)))))))))

 

Your H is lost right now. He is still in "the fog" and I agree with your friend..don't give him the time of day, play hard to get and straight to the point. Don't show him your pain...JUST DON'T DO IT! I promise this will clear your head and he will come running back...and by then I hope you will have decided you don't want him anymore so he can feel this pain and not you, you don't deserve this mental abuse. His OW sounds like a real winner how many baby daddies does she have? reality will slap him in the face and I hope you turn your back. You deserve to be happy so go enjoy yourself when your sis comes to visit. Enjoy yourself. We are all here for you.

[stillafool]

we talked a few times since this past post, yesterday he told me how his physical and interview went. he checked out healthy and he was offered a new job just 20 mins away at a better school, better pay, better hours, etc. he said he didn't know what to do. I said I thought he was all about this new job (what he just told me 2 days ago) and asked why he was hesitant.

 

 

Lost did you call him or did he call you?

 

 

he proceeds to tell me I am hounding him, etc.

 

Why are you contacting him?

 

he said he is confused and says he is weak, and doesn't know how we could work with her living 5 miles down road from our house.

 

Why isn't he telling her it couldn't work out because you live 5 miles down the road from her house? He confesses he is weak and is not going to leave her.

 

he said he doesn't feel like himself and he doesn't know what to do. he makes her out to be perfect, like she can do no wrong. saying she just said good luck and didn't have an agenda to benifit her, my f*cking ass she doesn't have an agenda that is why she asks when he is gonna divorce me all the time and is needy fishing around for some sort of committment from him (all this he has told me), not to mention he talks about all her baby daddy #2 drama.

 

 

She has a kid????? OMG

 

 

i finally said "well until you decide what to do maybe we should break from each other and not talk. you make me out to be a thorn in your side and i don't want to be that to someone" i was just sobbing the whole time i was saying it. he says "ok LostIt, I love you" like ok whatever.

 

Do you see now how contacting him has set you back? You are sobbing and the call only made you feel worst than before because you found out more information (that hurt) than you previously knew about. Lost you have got to go completely NC with you Ex if you want a snowballs chance in hell of ever getting him back. But, more importantly for yourself. It is not attractive to him (or anybody) when someone is crying, begging, pleading, all the time. You have to show him you are strong and moving on with your life. Stop the texting and calling PLEASE! What did he say when you told him you two needed to not talk? Did he agree? This other girl seems stronger to him and like you said he thinks everything she does is "peachy king" so let him have her. The only way he will ever miss you is for you to not be available. You have not tried No Contact and how is it working for you?

[LostIt2010]

This has all been through texting. He texts me, sometimes I text him. Like I didn't text him all weekend and texted me Sunday how much he missed me and loved me and how out of control and not himself he feels. I haven't heard his voice or seen his face in almost 3 weeks. Which has been horribly hard.

 

She actually has 2 kids from 2 different dads, she is 24. Her newest kid was born in January, her first kids a 4 year old lives with his dad. She also used to be a friend who WE were helping get though her latest baby daddy breakup. insane, i know.

 

i just told him we shouldn't talk yesteray, so its day one i guess. he was just like ok (with a whatever tone) and told me he loved me. he probably doesn't believe me. if i don't contact him he may pull the "see you don't care if you can just not talk to me" but my friend said to be like "no you are the one who doesn't care bc you had an affair and are lying to me" i don't like to play games i told him yesterday that someone is being lied to and it looks like me. he said whatever, that he wasn't lying just being honest with me about what he is going through and feels. he has even said before he wished he could take the good of both of us and put it into one.

 

thanks, what you guys say makes a ton of sense. my head is all messed up, i dwell on things and get weak, i believe his words and i get confused. i'm a mess and i guess the amount of deceit is hard for me to grasp. it helps to hear that i'm not crazy completely, and he is in some kind of fog or something... he doesn't even sound like himself anymore.

 

thanks so much, i'm trying to get support. and i'm trying to be strong... for me. my sister and my best friend are a ton of help. part of me is scared he won't miss me, part of me is still somehow reeling that this is happening. my sense of self has been shattered. it hurts to feel he doesn't care about me like i do him, and it hurts to hear him blame me and question what i feel for him when i dunno what i've even done so horribly wrong. perfect no, but horrible definately not.

 

i ordered some running shoes today, i'm going to start running again and charting my progress. i used to like it, i haven't done it in almost a year.

 

i really need the support, thank you.

Edited May 12, 2010 by LostIt2010

[jwi71]

This has all been through texting. He texts me, sometimes I text him. Like I didn't text him all weekend and texted me Sunday how much he missed me and loved me and how out of control and not himself he feels. I haven't heard his voice or seen his face in almost 3 weeks. Which has been horribly hard.

 

She actually has 2 kids from 2 different dads, she is 24. Her newest kid was born in January, her first kids a 4 year old lives with his dad. She also used to be a friend who WE were helping get though her latest baby daddy breakup. insane, i know.

 

i just told him we shouldn't talk yesteray, so its day one i guess. he was just like ok (with a whatever tone) and told me he loved me. he probably doesn't believe me. if i don't contact him he may pull the "see you don't care if you can just not talk to me" but my friend said to be like "no you are the one who doesn't care bc you had an affair and are lying to me" i don't like to play games i told him yesterday that someone is being lied to and it looks like me. he said whatever, that he wasn't lying just being honest with me about what he is going through and feels. he has even said before he wished he could take the good of both of us and put it into one.

 

thanks, what you guys say makes a ton of sense. my head is all messed up, i dwell on things and get weak, i believe his words and i get confused. i'm a mess and i guess the amount of deceit is hard for me to grasp. it helps to hear that i'm not crazy completely, and he is in some kind of fog or something... he doesn't even sound like himself anymore.

 

thanks so much, i'm trying to get support. and i'm trying to be strong... for me. my sister and my best friend are a ton of help. part of me is scared he won't miss me, part of me is still somehow reeling that this is happening. my sense of self has been shattered. it hurts to feel he doesn't care about me like i do him, and it hurts to hear him blame me and question what i feel for him when i dunno what i've even done so horribly wrong. perfect no, but horrible definately not.

 

i ordered some running shoes today, i'm going to start running again and charting my progress. i used to like it, i haven't done it in almost a year.

 

i really need the support, thank you.

 

So what's the plan again?

Sit around in marriage limbo?

File for D?

Hope HE files?

Hope he decides he loves you more ?

 

What ACTIONS can you take to end this misery you are in?

[stillafool]

Of course he still wants you to contact him. He wants your love and support and her love and support. He is acting like a child. Honey, the only way you are going to get him to make a decision is to not call him and give him a chance to miss you. Even if he thinks you have met someone else it will be good for him because how else is he going to miss you. You have to make a move, even if it hurts, otherwise you will look down the road a year from now and you are in the same position. If he does chose her during your absence this is what he was going to do anyway. It will not be because you went NC.

[Snowflower]

This has all been through texting. He texts me, sometimes I text him. Like I didn't text him all weekend and texted me Sunday how much he missed me and loved me and how out of control and not himself he feels. I haven't heard his voice or seen his face in almost 3 weeks. Which has been horribly hard.

 

Good for you for not seeing/talking to him for 3 weeks. I know its difficult. Now, cut out the texting too.

 

There really is no reason to be talking to him at all when he blames you and/or compares you to the OW (see your words below).

 

She actually has 2 kids from 2 different dads, she is 24. Her newest kid was born in January, her first kids a 4 year old lives with his dad. She also used to be a friend who WE were helping get though her latest baby daddy breakup. insane, i know.

 

Eeewww yuck! Is this the type of person that he threw your marriage away for?

 

She probably befriended you and your husband because she saw her next rescuer...YOUR HUSBAND. And he fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.

 

Seriously, they are both seriously messed up. If your H isn't careful, he will be baby daddy #3. Do you really want this drama and dysfunction in your life? Think about it...it might give you the strength to let go.

 

he has even said before he wished he could take the good of both of us and put it into one.

 

Again, eeew yuck. He is comparing you to his OW. Don't put up with it. Go NC.

 

thanks, what you guys say makes a ton of sense. my head is all messed up, i dwell on things and get weak, i believe his words and i get confused. i'm a mess and i guess the amount of deceit is hard for me to grasp. it helps to hear that i'm not crazy completely, and he is in some kind of fog or something... he doesn't even sound like himself anymore.

 

Remember this...he doesn't sound like himself anymore because he is not himself. I know you want to believe him but he is NOT the man you were married to.

 

Take it from someone who has been there, you need to let him go. It's the only way at this point. If it makes it easier, focus only on his drama and dysfunction that he has brought into his life because of his relationship with this needy OW. Focus on that because you do not want this in your own life, right?

 

You are a good person; you are almost done with your college education; you are young and smart. You deserve better than what he is giving you.

 

and it hurts to hear him blame me and question what i feel for him when i dunno what i've even done so horribly wrong. perfect no, but horrible definately not.

 

Again, as others have told you...he is blameshifting his decision to have an affair onto YOU. This is so wrong and stupid of him when you think about it. He knows what he is doing is wrong and this is the best way he can come up with to handle it...by blaming you. He isn't a man...he is a spineless, conflict-avoiding wimp. (being polite here)

 

Hang in there, I know it's hard...I've been there myself!

[PhoenixRise]

Honey

 

If you go NC and he DOES NOT miss you, there is nothing you can say or do, no amount of tears you can shed that will get him to come back. You have nothing to lose here.

 

You have to make a move to take control of your life. You can not live forever as a hostage to your H's affair. And as long as you would rather have THIS dynamic, with him confused and waffling and you crying and hurting, than nothing at all, THIS is what you are going to get.

 

Yes on some level your H may be torn up over what he is doing, but for the most part, this is all win win for him.

 

He has OW playing the perfect supportive girlfriend, wanting him and hoping that he will chose her

 

He has YOU crying over him, and begging him to chose you.

 

You are going to have to be the one to break this dynamic for your own sake. I know you want him. I know you love him. I know it hurts. I know this is scary. But it is only scary because you haven't acknowledged to yourself that you have nothing to lose. He is gone. He isn't trying to reconcile with you. The only thing you can do to preserve your own emotional well being is to start behaving like he is gone.

 

I am so sorry you are hurting so much Lostit. But your friend is right, a little bit more b*tch in you would do you a world of good. It is not about being deliberately mean to anyone, it is just about not accepting disrespect in the name of love.

 

Good luck.

 

I know that when you get your bearings you are going to be magnificent.

[LostIt2010]

Thank you.

 

Snowflower, that is what I said at first. He countered with her pursued her and she really loves him for him. how could she not love someone giving all of what he gave to her. when we were friends, she always pulled the victim card, always. it was always how she was innocent and everyone **** on her. she has even said herself she was a liar and a manipulator, admitted this to my husband a few months ago.

 

i'm trying jwi. my god this is almost like dying. i'm going slow, i'm sorry. i'm trying to take one ay at a time and just get through it at this point. this man has been the most important thing in the world to me since 14, molding who i am, and the only thing i know... this isn't easy or some jerk boyfriend i can just break-up with, this is my heart.

 

and i feel i have no bearings, some days i don't see how i even got through the workday. i feel like i'm shuffling my feet and just wandering from one day to the next. i hope to have my sense again, my bearings, to feel i'm ok and to feel like i'm standing on something solid... i have my doubts but i have no choice.

 

thanks for your support, experience, and advice.

 

sometimes it is hard for me to see things for what they are, i'm so emotional and trying to piece myself back together everyday is a struggle. its hard to understand the situation, its hard to see him hurt and loose himself but i know i can't control him. i wish he could see what has happened, what he is doing. its like he is this zombie and i keep thinking something is gonna snap and he is going to realize, come back to me and we are gonna be ok. but he hasn't i'm probably being naive about love.

 

its so odd thinking of me, doing things w/o thinking of how it would affect him, or him being in the picture. the aloness is hard, and i miss what we were, what we could have been, i miss him so much. i have dreams about us even. but i know there isn't a lot i can do when he is choosing someone else, and i do realize doing what i'm doing this could go on forever until something snaps it... she is holding onto him bc he is all she has, she has no friends really, she is not very ambitious and is not going anywhere, he is all she has. he is holding onto to what i dunno, but it isn't really me

 

so i'm trying. every day is hard, its exhausting. support helps, my friends/family help, but its just hard to let go. but i'm trying even though it feels like its killing me inside.

Edited May 12, 2010 by LostIt2010

[stillafool]

Lost you should give it 2 more weeks and see how you are feeling after your sister leaves. If you aren't any further ahead by then, you should really go into independent counseling. You have to make a step to push yourself further along. I really think it can help you toward healing.

[PhoenixRise]

Lostit

 

I know when I found out about my H's affair I seriously thought I was losing my mind. For a long time I felt like I didn't know what was real and what was an illusion. I mentally replayed our life over and over again trying to figure what what parts were genuine. I couldn't trust him. I no longer trusted myself or my own perceptions. Then on top of this, His confusion, his lies, his trickle truths, his minimizing. It was crazy making.

 

Go to the bookstore, go to the relationship section and pull every book you see about dealing with infidelity. Look them over till you see something that resonates with you. Start to study... you will see that your reactions are pretty typical. AND you will see that your H's and the OW's reactions are pretty typical too.

 

For me being able to study our dynamic through a more objective lens helped tremendously. You can post here and we will help as much as we can. You can talk to your friends and family and they will help you as much as they can, but sometimes (because they love you) they just help you marinate in your feelings without giving you what you need to move forward.

 

The first book I read after dday is After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. Fair warning, it is more geared toward marital recovery, but chapter 2 is a really good section titled The Unfaithful Partners Response: Lost in a Labyrinth of Choices.

 

Hope this helps.

[jwi71]

i'm trying jwi. my god this is almost like dying. i'm going slow, i'm sorry. i'm trying to take one ay at a time and just get through it at this point. this man has been the most important thing in the world to me since 14, molding who i am, and the only thing i know... this isn't easy or some jerk boyfriend i can just break-up with, this is my heart.

 

Actually, I was just asking WHAT you wanted to do with the situation.

In essence, you get busy trying to save the M or you get busy ending it.

Because sitting in marital limbo is pure hell.

 

Part of YOUR healing begins when you take positive concrete steps towards saving or ending your M.

 

I've already said what I think you need to do so no point repeating myself.

 

Good luck whatever path you take...just don't sit there doing nothing regarding this M.

 

Sadly, I happen to think you WILL sit here and do nothing...hoping he returns. And I'm sorry you choose to prolong this agony.

[LostIt2010]

I want to save us. it is hard to do though when he doesn't seem to want to bad enough, or stop seeing her.

 

I'm trying to move forward and hopefully come to a place where, because of what he can't do and his actions toward continuing with her, i will be able to let go of us. right now, where i'm at emotionally i can't do that. so i'm trying to move forward with me in mind and get myself to a better place mentally. if he comes back during that time i will have a decision to make and if he doesn't hopefully i will be stronger and of more sound mind to let go.

Edited May 12, 2010 by LostIt2010

[jwi71]

I want to save us. it is hard to do though when he doesn't seem to want to bad enough, or stop seeing her.

 

I'm trying to move forward and hopefully come to a place where, because of what he can't do and his actions toward continuing with her, i will be able to let go of us. right now, where i'm at emotionally i can't do that. so i'm trying to move forward with me in mind and get myself to a better place mentally. if he comes back during that time i will have a decision to make and if he doesn't hopefully i will be stronger and of more sound mind to let go.

 

Here's what you don't get -

 

You are ENABLING him.

 

What does he have to lose? Tell me...what does your H stand to lose right now?

 

Answer: nothing. Ergo - no change from HIM.

 

I don't know what else to tell you.

 

And frankly, I don't know what ANYONE can tell you.

 

So...I guess I'm done. Good luck.

[stillafool]

Lost, I don't want to hurt you but this girl has 2 kids by 2 different men (if I'm correct) she is looking for a father for her family. She is probably willing to do whatever he wants to get him and he must be reallystruggling with whether he wants to take on a ready made family. The fact that he is even entertaining taking on her and her kids and her babies daddies tells me how much he feels for this woman. Look at this thing logically if you can and try to see how these two have deceived you. I don't think a friend would treat you this badly much less your husband. Has your h ever been with anyone else other than you? You said you have been with him since age 14. If you have never been with another man let me tell you sweety there is a whole world of men out there that can make you feel things your h couldn't even dream of. Please don't think life's over because of one bad apple you want to make new again.

[LostIt2010]

We have just been with each other, thats it.

 

He says he doesn't want to take all of it on, but he still stays.

Its like she is perfect and does no wrong in his eyes.

 

He texted me today.

He said he wants to pull me back but is scared to, but he is scared of a future without me. He says when he things of something happening or going through something he wants me there.

 

I texted him back, just something simple. He attacked me and my feelings for him, I explained all that we have talked about on here, his decisions, how I feel. long story short we go back and forth... lashing out, saying what we are to each other, mistakes we made, how he didn't know how to let go of either of us. i guess she is just fine with things while he is f*cking married to someone else, he said she feels like he still hasn't let go of me... she makes it sound like it should be so easy to him. he said he doesn't see how to let go of her so we could try and move forward, but he doesn't see how he can let go of me either. i said i felt he already had, and i felt like this convenience and soft place to land, this conditional love he can put up and own how he pleases and i kept saying he is in a full blown relationship with someone else and itsn't that hard to do to meand how i feel and how i am sick of it. he attacked me and said if you don't wanna mess with it then maybe i should sign those papers. i said mess with it? you make it sound so simple more like deal with what you are doing and being too stupid and strung out on you to let go. then he brings her up and is like "excuse me she is asking my favorite dessert while you are laying guilt trip on me about how i feel" that was it. i went off and txted him then f*cking be with her if she is so perfect and i told him i hope he is happy with the way things turned out. he said i guess we will see. i said you said you wanted to sign the papers, i'll tell my boss to start on them. he just said do whatever i feel like. i told him this is his choice, and what he shows he wants. he just said back "ya" how do i feel guilty for this??!! again, he is putting this on me like it is what i want and its my fault.

 

i'm so angry and so hurt. i'm numb. i'm scared that it hasn't hit me yet. the deceit and betrayal they have both done to me i can't even put into words how much pain i feel. i'm all screwed up, i can't even think straight. but if he wants her fine, he doesn't give me much choice while he is playing family and perfect love with her and i'm left alone to deal with all of this. his life hasn't really been interupted, mine has been turned upside down.

 

i'm at work and tears are just running down my face. i'm so scared, and i'm so hurt that i love him so much and he obviously doesn't me. i hate her, she is no innocent party in any of this either.

 

i could use more wisdom my heart is just broken.

[LostIt2010]

after telling him that about that papers and going off. he has already texted and said maybe he will break it off with her. he said i don't know how to. or when. i know something needs to be done either way.

 

i told him maybes and i don't knows weren't good enough for me anymore. that i know things are hard but you have to want, and mean, and believe in what you choose to do. i told him we are what is important to me and i have shown that, if its not what you want i'm not being your side dish anymore.

[PhoenixRise]

after telling him that about that papers and going off. he has already texted and said maybe he will break it off with her. he said i don't know how to. or when. i know something needs to be done either way.

 

i told him maybes and i don't knows weren't good enough for me anymore. that i know things are hard but you have to want, and mean, and believe in what you choose to do. i told him we are what is important to me and i have shown that, if its not what you want i'm not being your side dish anymore.

 

 

Lostit

:bunny::bunny:

 

Good for you. This is how you handle things with an unrepentant WS. You do what you know you need to do in spite of how much it hurts right now.

 

AND I know it does hurt.

 

But this is the frame of mind you need to be in. This is what he needs to see from you. This is what YOU need to see from YOU.

 

Don't let him jerk you around anymore. Don't let him treat you like you are optional.

 

Don't ever let him think that his words are enough to keep you dangling "maybe I will break it off with her" is not even close to being good enough.

 

 

Talk to your boss about starting the paperwork.

 

I think you might be turning a corner

[KikiW]

It looks like you are gathering strength - good for you! I'm sure you're in pain, and you have every right to feel the way you do. You need to start getting angrier though.

 

How dare he go off with this woman?

How dare he waffle between you two?

How dare he try and make you feel like this is all your fault?

How dare he talk about how perfect she is and how flawed you are?

How dare he play games about how he has second thoughts when you say fine, I'm getting the papers going?

 

He is a slug. A real slug. You don't need that two-timing pr*ck. You need him GONE. You deserve better. You deserve a certain level of respect. You deserve to be treated like a partner. You DON'T deserve THIS CREEP.

 

Fingers crossed for ya, hon.

[jmargel]

He has not faced any consequences for his behavior. You continue to tolerate it. All that is going back and forth are words and to him they mean nothing. What he wants is priority above everyone else's feelings.

 

He is like an alcoholic. If you get him back how long will it be before he drinks again (ie. sex with someone else?). How can you even think about starting the foundation of trust again when he continues to act like this?

 

To him it's all ego. You two women fighting over him and when one 'wins' it's only a matter of time before he gets bored and wants to see the the drama again.

 

His issue is not even the cheating. His cheating is a leaf that grows on a weed. His cheating is the result of a deep rooted issue(s) that can only be resolved through many months of counseling. However it seems like he is nowhere close to accepting and acting on his immaturity and disrespect he has towards others.

 

He almost sounds narcisstic. He might talk a good game but in the end it's all about him.

 

Instead of making this about him, how about we make this about you for once? What have you gotten out of this marriage? When was the last time you were content and happy in it?

 

It's time you start doing things for yourself, don't base your own self-worth on what he feels for you or what he is going to do. This guy is going to continue to do this to whoever he is with. It's your decision when you want to stop wasting your time on something that is fake.

 

Start setting short term goals for yourself and accomplishing them. Start building confidence, know that you will be happy and should be happy without him.

 

This isn't a matter of how sick of this situation you are of it, but a matter of when you want things to permantly change for yourself.

[LostIt2010]

I do think, after reading a lot of stuff about affairs, he is a tad narcisstic.

 

I wasn't unhappy with him, we had good and bad times. We weren't perfect. He has not cheated in 14 years until now. I know this is a struggle and I know him and how he deals. He is a good person and a good man, who I have seen in past months is not quite the same. I'm not sure of a lot of things with us, but I do want to save our relationship, I miss what we were and I do love him very much. I know what I should and should accept and if he can come to a place where he wants to save us and be all in, we are worth it to me. If he doesn't want that, that is his choice.

 

I read that book After the Affair some had suggested on here in one sitting. What has happened to me is all so textbook. It did help me not to feel so crazy. I'm thinking of leaving it in his mailbox and letting him know that I can't do this anymore, if he chooses her and doesn't want to commit to us I'm gone. If he does choose her I'm not gonna be there for him like I have been I'm gonna be there for me. I'm gonna get divorce done and take a break from him for awhile to heal, I've told him that. He hasn't done any reading and I think maybe the book would help him, with or without me.

[stillafool]

I think that part of the problem is the two of you have only experienced each other and have never dated or had sex with others before marriage. Now this chick comes along and given that she already has two kids, probably rocked his world in the bedroom. Since this is probably her only strong point, and he is hooked on the sex, simply because he isn't experienced. It is rare that 'first loves' go on to marry and never experience sex with other people these days. Who knows he may wonder what sex would be like with the next friend of hers who gives him the eye and cheat on her. He also knows you are his first love, his wife and a good person who I'm sure he loves. He knows losing you could be a big mistake because of who you are, but I fear his loins won't let him.

 

 

Lost, again it is a big world out there with lots of wonderful guys in it that would cherish a girl like you who at 28 has only slept with one man. Please don't be afraid to let him go. You are just afraid to let go of what you had. What you had has gone forever because of what he has done and broken. This may very well be a blessing in disguise.

 

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself but as one poster said your H saying "maybe I will break up with her" is just more BS. Give him 2 weeks to end this affair and start MC or tell him you will file for divorce. I know you won't be it would make him show you something.

[LostIt2010]

and yeah, as for his loins he has told me about her and how its different and how she watches porn and is so "experienced" or a damn whore that sleeps with her friends husband. sorry i don't watch porn and all i've ever known is him i guess that makes me a bad lay, he didn't act like it was so bad when we were doing it.

 

my whole core and foundation has crumbled. everything i thought was, isn't. i'm trying to build my confidence back but when it is now at nothing, hard to have a foot to stand on.

 

he txted me yesterday about 4pm that he was thinking of me. i broke and txted him back a few hours later that i thought of him when i made a cake that turned into a mess and wished i could have looked up and seen his face to poke fun of my lack of baking skills like he used to before he ate it. he was short with me and said he couldn't do this all day and night. i didn't reply. i wrote him a short letter telling him what i thought of us and that i wasn't going to continuing being there for his convenience while he was with her and if he didn't end it with her i was done and going ahead with divorce. i told him i valued him and us, and if he is showing he doesn't so that leaves no room for me to stay and wait.

 

he txted me this morning and told me sorry my cakes always turn out like that and said that he wished he could have been there to eat some.

i figured he was short with me last night bc he was with her so i asked. and he said yeah he was on his way over there. i got upset and he was like how am i supposed to just ignore and end it "relationship" with her out of blue when she txt me every morning something sweet. he said seeing me is painstaking and seeing her is fun, i was like maybe it is so painstaking bc of the pain caused. i told him to have his fun with her, that reality hasn't even hit him yet and i told him i have been fool. i told him about my letter with book, he said he would like to read it. i said why, you are just going to keep letting me spill my heart out to crush it and keep up with her, we went back and forth and got kind of heated. i told him i was done and i guess we weren't worth it to him and that i have felt like his life long drag along. he was mad and is always defense and hateful when he feels backed in corner or wrong and he was like i guess it is what it is. f* it, have merry mf-ing day. i'm not responding, i'm never txting him again. i swear i have had it

 

i'm so sick of all this and i'm so sick him sending me such mixed signals, my emotions hang on to things and he knows it, he is taking advantage of how i feel. i'm sick of feeling like i'm nothing to him. i'm sick of pouring my heart out and him just seeing someone else like i don't mean sh*t. it is painful to know how little i am to him now, it breaks my heart. i don't know how we went so wrong, i used to mean so much to him. i'm leaving him the book and the letter and telling him he can throw it away if he wants. at least i will know i said everything to him i wanted and i told him what my heart said, my head can take over now. i also wrote for what it is f*ing worth which prob isn't much coming from your life long drag along that never meant that much to you anyway. that is what he has made me feel like, some stranger just a girl he is dumping.

 

its like he has turned into this zombie that only sees her, that doesn't see me for anything i am except being a thorn in his side. i'm so angry and so tired of sounding pathetic. this isn't me, this isn't who i was either. i don't even recognize what i've become so strung out over him. i was tough, and i was sure of myself and sure of us, i felt good about myself, and its like its all just become one big mess and lie, this explosion of broken pieces.

 

i'm going to turn my phone off for the next 2 weeks. i really don't want to hear anything from him or anyone. its all lies and bullsh*it anyway. i'm so hurt and i'm trying so hard to understand and to make myself believe i'm doing right thing. i'm trying so hard, its so painful to spend your whole life with someone, feeling happy, thinking they were happy to BAM in 6 months be nothing to them and thrown away.

Edited May 14, 2010 by LostIt2010