I cheated on my wife - how do I win her back?

[Saddened_Husband]

My wife and I wed nearly 3 years ago and perhaps insecure, but I maintained online relationships throughout our engagement and marriage. Once married we were faced with many challenges: relocation, missing of family/friends, finances, living together, the adoption of a child and trying to conceive a child of our own. Instead of embracing my wife and working through the issues I escaped to the Internet where I received remorse. Overtime, my wife and I grew distant and my thrill seeking turned into two sexual affairs. I was not emotionally connected with either woman, but the affairs took place.

 

Since the information surfaced, much has changed in our lives: we moved out of state, sold our house, new jobs and we're currently living with her parents. The past year has been an emotional roller-coaster and I've received counseling (both spiritual and psychological). I've become a better person and instead of fleeing the situation, stood up in the fire and have been there for my wife and kids. Things remain rocky because I'm currently unemployed (due to the economy), but possess a Masters degree and 10+ years of professional experience - so I remain hopeful. I also extracted my 401k to provide a financial cushion for our family.

 

I've accepted responsibility/accountability for my mistakes, have become a better person and daily remind my wife and kids how much I love them. Our kids are 5 and 1 and I repeatedly tell my wife the greatest gift we can possibly give them is to remain a family. Following a year, my wife has yet to speak to a counselor (stating the problem was mine, not hers) and remains bitter to the situation. She recently told me she could NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN and we're both lonely and down. I know if I had a job my wife would be in greater spirits (when I was previously employed and making good money she repeatedly talked about buying a house together and giving it a try), but my wife is down and everything is my fault: why we moved out of state, why we sold our beautiful house, why we're living in a small house with her parents, etc.

 

Please help.....what do I say or do? How do I talk my wife into marriage counseling? Should I give her space? - we're already distant and having been intimate (even hugged or kissed) in over a year.......wouldn't that separate us farther? I genuinely love my wife, learned my lesson and live with new values in life. In addition, I've learned to love without being loved in return.

 

Any advice you could provide on how to embrace my wife would be greatly appreciated. She's an excellent mother and an incredible person - I love her with all of my heart !!!

 

Thank you for your time and assistance.

[Dexter Morgan]

I've accepted responsibility/accountability for my mistakes

 

First thing you need to do is quit calling it a mistake. This is an attempt to downplay what really happened. You wanted other women and you went after them. That is not a mistake. By calling it a mistake you are trying to say, "sorry, I'm human, it was a mistake and everyone makes them".

 

You did what you did because you wanted to. It was not a mistake.

 

 

have become a better person and daily remind my wife and kids how much I love them. Our kids are 5 and 1 and I repeatedly tell my wife the greatest gift we can possibly give them is to remain a family.

 

Thats an awful nice statement. But by saying "the greatest gift WE can possibly give them is to remain a family" is putting some of the burden on her. You should have thought about the family before you did what you did.

And also by telling her this you are making it look as if she is selfish is she no longer wants to be married to you. Sorry, you don't get to decide that for her and imply she is selfish if she wants a divorce.

 

 

Following a year, my wife has yet to speak to a counselor (stating the problem was mine, not hers)

 

She would be correct.

 

 

and remains bitter to the situation.

 

Well of course, you saying she doesn't have a right to be? Seems you want this all to just go away and for her to get over it.

 

 

Please help.....what do I say or do? How do I talk my wife into marriage counseling? Should I give her space? - we're already distant and having been intimate (even hugged or kissed) in over a year.......wouldn't that separate us farther? I genuinely love my wife, learned my lesson and live with new values in life. In addition, I've learned to love without being loved in return.

 

Any advice you could provide on how to embrace my wife would be greatly appreciated. She's an excellent mother and an incredible person - I love her with all of my heart !!!

 

Thank you for your time and assistance.

 

I don't really think there is much you can do. Even if she wants to keep the family together, do you really think she can ever trust you again? I can tell you the answer is no in my opinion. She may be able to bring back some level of it, but never completely.

 

What do you do? Wait. It may take years before she decides. And because of your betrayal, you owe her that time without pressure and without getting impatient. This is a serious blow you dealt her.

 

But then again, I'd have advised her to get an attorney.

[Saddened_Husband]

Thank you for the response, but I'm looking for assistance verse negativity. I fully accepted responsibility/accountability for my actions and have matured greatly through this process. Yes, people do make mistakes in life and it's what you learn that counts. In this case, I've learned to appreciate my wife, children and the significance of family.

 

I wasn't emotionally attached to the women nor was I in the right state of mind when the actions took place. I have no desire to search on the Internet, look at women in public or have a fling in the future.....I love my wife and if it takes a lifetime - I plan to prove my love to her.

 

Now, if you have advice on how to proceed - I'm all ears. Thank you !

[Athena]

Perhaps you need to take a gamble, and become distant with her. She might do the very human thing of seeking you out...the dance of intimacy is one seeks intimacy and comes closer, while the other one feels pursued and moves away, until they have moved so far away that they feel the need to come back (if you stop showing her a lot of attention). She might feel she will lose you, and that may cause her to re-evaluate the marriage and put some effort into improving the marriage.

 

However, I must warn you that because you were stoking the fires of deceit for three years, and had two affairs as well, you -- in my opinion -- are in danger of repeating this behavior later down the line. Beware of not just pursuing your W until you win her back, only to turn your interest once again to more challenging things...

 

How old are you?

 

Have you ever cheated before on anyone else?

[NoIDidn't]

I imagine you have to not only work on winning her back, but also on winning back the respect of her folks.

 

 

They "gave her away" so to speak, but now you guys are living with them and with kids this time. I understand the economy is bad, but people do get tired of having extended guests no matter what the reason.

 

Your W is dealing with several major stressors at one time. The way to win her back is to not put pressure on her and to tell her so.

 

Imagine being far away from your support network and have your husband be distant because he is cheating on you. Imagine that cheating heartbreaker losing his job and having to swallow your pride and move in with your parents (who might also know about the cheating). Imagine him wanting to have a sexual/physical relationship while living with your parents (actually imagine that part without respect of the cheating - its hard!!!).

 

She's under a lot and you say its only been a year. It takes far longer than a year to get past infidelity. And from a woman's view, you just risked your marriage, her reproductive health and an intact family with your kids for women you didn't even have any feelings for.

 

Tell her your hopes, but give her some space while continuing to be attentive to her. Don't just walk away and call that giving her space - that will do more harm than good.

[Standbyou]

Just divorce her.

If your wife cheated on you,you must want divorce her ,right? And all man here will get extremly exicted and tell you divorce her.

So,in another side. Divorce her. you are too bad for her.Why they not ask you divorce her now?

Wired...

cause you are a husband,not wife?

Just divorce her.

[LakesideDream]

Saddened, Get a grip man. A "mistake"? You "acknowledge" a minor misbehavior say your sorry and expect everything to be kiss kiss hug hug?

 

I can absolutely gaurentee to you that your wife will NEVER forget what happened. Anytime there is a doubt in her mind, she will remember what happened in the past. It's the nature of the species.

 

The truth is you acted in a very immature manner. You allowed your ego, and need for attention by other women to rule your behavior and put your marriage and the mental health of your children at risk. Short of violent criminal action you could scarecely have done anything more potentially damaging.

 

There is nothing you can do to cause your wife to "get over it". The most you can hope for is to create a "body of work" over time that will overshadow what's happened in the past.

 

Be a responsible husband and parent. Put your arse in gear and start bringing in some income. Financial effort/security is a big deal in a marriage. If you can't find a job in your field find one to help tide you over. You may be suprised how appreciatiave your wife becomes.

 

Good luck and stop obfscucating. Don't downplay your bad behavior, or you may need that hold over job to pay child support.

[soserious1]

Thank you for the response, but I'm looking for assistance verse negativity. I fully accepted responsibility/accountability for my actions and have matured greatly through this process. Yes, people do make mistakes in life and it's what you learn that counts. In this case, I've learned to appreciate my wife, children and the significance of family.

 

I wasn't emotionally attached to the women nor was I in the right state of mind when the actions took place. I have no desire to search on the Internet, look at women in public or have a fling in the future.....I love my wife and if it takes a lifetime - I plan to prove my love to her.

 

Now, if you have advice on how to proceed - I'm all ears. Thank you !

 

 

 

You are missing a big piece of all this.. the piece where your wife gets to decide how she feels and the right to work thru her own pain and grief in her own time and her own way.

 

Personally if you were my husband, upon hearing that you'd basically been unfaithful thru out our marriage I'd have put you out on the curb next to the trashcans.

[Athena]

 

Personally if you were my husband, upon hearing that you'd basically been unfaithful thru out our marriage I'd have put you out on the curb next to the trashcans.

 

And yet she hasn't done this to him -- Why?

 

What is she watching and waiting for, Saddened-Husband? Have you asked her what she needs from you?

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you for the response, but I'm looking for assistance verse negativity.

 

Well there aint much positive about what you bestowed on your marriage with your cheating. So you are going to get that negativity.

 

And I already gave you assistance. I said you give her as much time as she needs and you need to be patient with her and not expect some time table. Because the time table as far as her never forgetting what you did is endless.

 

 

I fully accepted responsibility/accountability for my actions and have matured greatly through this process.

 

By trying to guilt her into staying by telling her that the greatest gift SHE can give her children is to stay with you?

 

 

Yes, people do make mistakes in life and it's what you learn that counts.

 

Cheating isn't a mistake. You screwed another woman because you wanted to. Don't try to downplay your actions by calling them mistakes.

 

Call it a lousy choice and character flaw on your part, but don't insult your wife by calling what you did a mistake.

 

 

In this case, I've learned to appreciate my wife, children and the significance of family.

 

Well I'm glad to hear that.

 

 

I wasn't emotionally attached to the women nor was I in the right state of mind when the actions took place.

 

so what??

 

 

I have no desire to search on the Internet, look at women in public or have a fling in the future.....I love my wife and if it takes a lifetime - I plan to prove my love to her.

 

 

good, because it will be a lifetime of effort because she will never forget.

 

 

Now, if you have advice on how to proceed - I'm all ears. Thank you !

 

I already did in this post and my first reply, you just glossed over it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I imagine you have to not only work on winning her back' date=' but also on winning back the respect of her folks..[/quote']

 

wow, I didn't even think of that. I don't think I could look someone in the face with them knowing I screwed over their little girl.

[Dexter Morgan]

Just divorce her.

If your wife cheated on you,you must want divorce her ,right? And all man here will get extremly exicted and tell you divorce her.

So,in another side. Divorce her. you are too bad for her.Why they not ask you divorce her now?

Wired...

cause you are a husband,not wife?

 

LOL, uh, in the very first reply to him, which was the first reply period, did ya miss this part??

 

"But then again, I'd have advised her to get an attorney."

[JustBreathe]

To be blunt, your being out of work on top of your having cheated, and having to move back to her parents' house, makes you look like a loser to her right now. Sorry if that hurts, but that's what I'd be thinking.

 

As Lakeside has said -- You need a J.O.B. Even if you've got to lower your standards for a bit. You can keep on look for a better one and change jobs after you are employed. Also, living with your parents is a DRRAAGG and is no doubt adding to the whole mess. Rent an apartment! Even a cruddy one for now! I lived with my parents for a month while my husband relocated us cross-country. It was an ever-luvin nightmare from hell. He found us a crummy apartment in an ugly old building and let me tell you it was WAY better than living with my parents!

 

A year is not a long time to recover after an affair. It's devastating, her head has barely stopped spinning after a year.

 

So sorry you did not honor your marriage and keep it clean. Hindsight is 20/20. Whatever she says, remember it is coming from a place of rage and try not to hate her for it or resent her for it. You made your bed.

[Sands_of_time]

My wife and I wed nearly 3 years ago and perhaps insecure, but I maintained online relationships throughout our engagement and marriage. Once married we were faced with many challenges: relocation, missing of family/friends, finances, living together, the adoption of a child and trying to conceive a child of our own. Instead of embracing my wife and working through the issues I escaped to the Internet where I received remorse. Overtime, my wife and I grew distant and my thrill seeking turned into two sexual affairs. I was not emotionally connected with either woman, but the affairs took place.

 

Any advice you could provide on how to embrace my wife would be greatly appreciated. She's an excellent mother and an incredible person - I love her with all of my heart !!!

 

Thank you for your time and assistance.

 

Saddened...the following advice comes from a BS so hopefully you gain some value/insight.

 

One of the things I see is that you are repenting. That's a good start for you. Many WS's don't repent. I see you are asking for help. I see you are asking for advice on how to be a better person. I don't condone what you did by any means and I know you know you've done a terrible (cheating is 10 miles past terrible actually) thing. But I see you want help.

 

Your wife is more than likely devastated beyond anything she can explain to you. YOU MUST BE UNDERSTANDING AND PATIENT WITH HER. Maybe not the best analogy but it should serve the purpose: Do you know how much the starving children in Africa are suffering? Do you know what it's like not to have anything to eat or to live in a hut with a dirt floor? We can all IMAGINE what it's like (it must be terrible, right?) but we will never know the real depth of that feeling unless we live it, breathe it and taste it. You cannot possibly understand what you have done to your wife but you must do your very best. Open yourself up to her like never before. You will need the strength of 10 men to overcome this.

 

Try this (harsh example coming but you committed a harsh act): let her know (again) that you know you royally screwed up and that you are a ditch pig. Let her know that you are lower than the white froth that accumulates on the corner of your mouth as you sleep. Then tell her that you will never know the depth of the pain that you caused but you will do anything and everything to try to understand what she is feeling/where she is coming from. Go buy some books that deal with the feelings of the BS and show her that you are reading them and trying to gain an understanding (Gunny knows them all so hopefully he posts them in here for you).

 

Then ask her: What are you feeling now? What did you feel then when you found out about my affair? Continue to re-affirm to her that you WANT to understand her pain.

 

I say this to you because that is what I would value. I would like you, the WS, to feel what I feel/felt--even if just for a sliver in time. When you "go" where your wife has gone you are able to identify with her. Something she needs. She needs you to identify with her feelings.

 

I DO hope you get some straight talk in here and that it rights your wayward ship. Keep posting...

[desertmoon]

Saddenedhusband: You do not get to ask, beg or demand----you TAKE what she can offer and you wait---that's all you can do and must do. You did not care how much pain you inflicted on her for years....why do you think your feelings deserved to be considered now...? If you want to stay married, adjust your life to the new set-up of your marriage...and stop feeling sorry for yourself!

 

If you think you deserve better..better treatment, better wife, better life, forgiveness, a 5th or 1oth chance....well...then DIVORCE her!

[Saddened_Husband]

Thank you all for the suggestions and feedback. The past year has been a learning experience, but by far the most difficult of my life. I always dreamed of finding that special someone and I found that and more in my wife.......never in a million years could I imagine being so distant from her - expecially over my selfish acts.

 

You're right......they weren't mistakes (that downplays what happened) - they were poor choices and a corruption of my character.

 

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as the road ahead will likely be full of difficult times and decisions. My wife is at her breaking point and I've already decided I need to make finding a job and supporting my wife and kids my #1 priority. The economy stinks, but I'm well-educated (have a Masters degree and several professional certifications on top of 10+ years of IT Management experience), so I'll travel nationally if that means securing income for my family. They say time mends the heart......I don't know if I'll ever be able to win my wife back, but I won't go down not trying. I love her and will pray for the day to hold her in my arms once more !

 

- Matt

[Saddened_Husband]

Our 3rd year wedding anniversary happens to be this Wednesday. Despite the circumstances, I wish to let my wife know how much she's appreciated. Any suggestions regarding a gift or what to say? I'm typically good at this, but am struggling with the given circumstances.

 

Thank you - Matt

[LakesideDream]

Our 3rd year wedding anniversary happens to be this Wednesday. Despite the circumstances, I wish to let my wife know how much she's appreciated. Any suggestions regarding a gift or what to say? I'm typically good at this, but am struggling with the given circumstances.

 

Thank you - Matt

 

 

Kobe Bryant used a 3 million dollar diamond ring, worked for him.

[anne1707]

Our 3rd year wedding anniversary happens to be this Wednesday. Despite the circumstances, I wish to let my wife know how much she's appreciated. Any suggestions regarding a gift or what to say? I'm typically good at this, but am struggling with the given circumstances.

 

Thank you - Matt

 

I would not suggest spending a lot of money. Apart from any financial problems you may have, it may appear to her as if you are trying to buy her back and I am sure that is not how you feel. How about arranging a special date for the two of you - something along the lines of what you used to do when you first met. Or maybe you could cook her dinner - her favourite meal if you can. I think something that shows that you know her and the things she enjoys may be the way to go. It is the little things that show you care, not the big gestures.

[Dexter Morgan]

Thank you all for the suggestions and feedback. The past year has been a learning experience, but by far the most difficult of my life. I always dreamed of finding that special someone and I found that and more in my wife.......never in a million years could I imagine being so distant from her - expecially over my selfish acts.

 

You're right......they weren't mistakes (that downplays what happened) - they were poor choices and a corruption of my character.

 

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as the road ahead will likely be full of difficult times and decisions. My wife is at her breaking point and I've already decided I need to make finding a job and supporting my wife and kids my #1 priority. The economy stinks, but I'm well-educated (have a Masters degree and several professional certifications on top of 10+ years of IT Management experience), so I'll travel nationally if that means securing income for my family. They say time mends the heart......I don't know if I'll ever be able to win my wife back, but I won't go down not trying. I love her and will pray for the day to hold her in my arms once more !

 

- Matt

 

Well at least you are acknowledging that calling it a mistake is downplaying what happened and is tantamount to an excuse.

 

I'd think travelling nationally would be an almost certain death sentence to a marriage when one has cheated. Too much opportunity to cheat where the spouse won't know it and would never find out.

 

i'd still like to know what you'd do if your wife decided she was going to go out with the girls several weekends, hell even every weekend, to blow off some steam and get support from them, then 2 months later tell you she had sex with other men during that time.

 

You'd forgive her right? Really think about that and don't answer as someone that it hasn't happened to. What would you REALLY do in a situation like that? Would you think you got what was coming to you?

 

Or would you not be able to get it out of your head and really give her the 3rd?

[anne1707]

I'd think travelling nationally would be an almost certain death sentence to a marriage when one has cheated. Too much opportunity to cheat where the spouse won't know it and would never find out.

 

I don't always agree with Dexter - he can be blunt at times - but he is completely right on this one. I had an affair with a work colleague and am looking for another job but it is taking a long time (c**p time to be looking for work everywhere at the moment). Jobs in my sector have come up that I could have applied for but it would have meant staying away overnight. Even my H agrees that is not an option (even though I still work with the ex-OM).

 

At least he knows where I am at night plus I ensure we maintain contact during the day when I am at work (phone and email). He also drops me off and picks me up most days. He does not want me to account for every minute of every day and he does not make me feel like a prisoner but I owe it to him to be completely open and honest about my actions and whereabouts. Working away from home would not help at all in this respect.

[65tr6]

The economy stinks, but I'm well-educated (have a Masters degree and several professional certifications on top of 10+ years of IT Management experience), so I'll travel nationally if that means securing income for my family.

 

looks like you have good experience. Are you really trying really really hard to find a job ? With your experience, i am surprised you are still looking.

 

That, imo, would be a great starting point, gift to your wife. Get a job and ask her out for a dinner-date. No relationship talk. Just tell her you got a job and you bought something nice for her. Surprise her.

 

They say time mends the heart.......

beg to disagree just a bit. I would also do a lot more to prove to your wife that you are a changed man. That you are remorseful. That you can find a job. And then add in the time factor...Yes I would agree with you then.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't always agree with Dexter

 

Quite lying. You always agree with me and know it. You just dont want to admit it;)

[anne1707]

Quite lying. You always agree with me and know it. You just dont want to admit it;)

 

You've caught me out. Not.

[Dexter Morgan]

You've caught me out. Not.

 

I know it. We don't see eye to eye. thats the difference between those that cheat and those that don't.