She cheated but what now...

[pensfan]

Hi all, This probably sounds like all the other stories, but here I go. My wife and I met 16 years ago when I was 19 and she was 21. Been married for over 12 years now and have two kids, 9 and 6. We have always been different, but I thought we had a lot in common. She was more sexually experienced than I was, actually alot more experienced. This bothered me early on, but there was always something that kept me from not wanting to be together. Anyways, trouble started after our second child, she had the baby blues. This was hard for me to fully appreciate, but I tried to understand. I come from a family that is very hands off when you have emotional issues, not that they don't care, it's just you have to learn to pick yourself up when your down. Her mother babied her and she expects me to do the same, ironically my wife deeply resents her mother. Well, her "blues" turns into seasonal depression. While she never was overly affectionate, she just totally becomes non affectionate. About 2 years ago, she gets a job, and we are going through our typical struggles, fighting, no sex and then all of a sudden she becomes affectionate, and I am getting sex seven days a week. It was never like this when we were dating! But then after a few weeks, I start getting suspicious about other behaviors. I start spying and it became clear real fast, that she was screwing her boss! I even taped a phone conversation, I could not believe the hatred towards me. So I confronted her, and of course she denied everything. But I slyly trapped her into things that happened that I didn't know. That she actually slept with two guys in the same night the month that we met. I was suspicious about something then, but she totally denied it back then, so I blew it off. Well, once I presented this to her, she finally admitted only the things that I found out on my own. I left her Easter day of 2006. She begged for me to come back. It was very hard to leave, mainly because of my kids. After a certain period of time, I agreed to go to counseling with her. It was tough, but it helped. I finally decided to come home in October 2006. Things were good for awhile. Her winter depression came back and we fought and struggled a lot. Summer came and things cooled off. During the time I came back, she started to go to church every Sunday with the kids. But fast forward to this fall, she joined a bible study group and I swear she spends every night of the week studying the bible, which takes up all her free time. We don't do anything together, including sex. She says she has no libido and blames the pill. She wants to have the part of the marriage were we share stories of our day, but has no interest in the part of being intimate. By the way, I am the one always being affectionate, but if it is not being acknowledged, I hold back. So we are back fighting again, and I really don't have much fight in me anymore. I can't help to feel I wish I never came back. I can't help to feel guilty if I left. There is so much more to this story, but I need advice. When two people have nothing in common anymore and knowing what she did to me, can anyone blame me for feeling this way. This constant cycle of fighting and a non affectionate relation, at least on her part, has made my work life and home life suffer. I am at the point where I imagine a new woman in my life that I can have a normal relationship. I never was the perfect husband, but she has scarred me so deep, I can't see going through all the rigors anymore. Sorry so long, please respond!!

[Jade 02]

Hi hun,sounds like to me you might be a lil depressed. Im sorry you have to go thru this,and I know it SUX!!!!

 

Have ya tried to be real romantic,and if things were going good when ya went to counceling,why not try it again? Somethings gotta help hun.

Ok see ya soon

[BestAdvisor1]

During the time I came back, she started to go to church every Sunday with the kids. But fast forward to this fall, she joined a bible study group and I swear she spends every night of the week studying the bible, which takes up all her free time.

 

Let's look at some of the positives. It seems that she's a Christian now. Chances are, she has become a devoted and faithful wife. And, it seems that you are looking at her going to church as a negative and you seem to fail to realize that her change in mind and faith will be a great impact on your family and kids. Why don't you do things with her that she like do to including attending church and bible study with her.

[Scrivdog]

Let's look at some of the positives. It seems that she's a Christian now. Chances are, she has become a devoted and faithful wife. And, it seems that you are looking at her going to church as a negative and you seem to fail to realize that her change in mind and faith will be a great impact on your family and kids. Why don't you do things with her that she like do to including attending church and bible study with her.

 

Great - so he's now married to a nun. I think the man needs a little more than that unless he's willing to take a vow of celibacy and become a priest.

[stampdaddy]

Sometimes it's best to think about working on a NEW relationship. One that will last for the next 20 or so years because of the children.. You both can eventually meet others that may "ADD" to that relationship... Goodluck

[whichwayisup]

Is she seeking counselling, seeing a PDOC for her depression? This isn't going to go away, it will occur throughout your marriage and for the rest of her life.

 

Another thing, it is possible that too much has happened and you can't get past it? Not everyone can get over an affair. Though, she did more than just have an affair, she betrayed you more than once on afew occasions.

 

Because of your kids, give it one last shot. Communicate your needs, stay calm and definately get to marriage counselling. You might also benefit from going to talk to someone on your own.

[michelangelo]

If your wife was truly becoming christian and spiritual then she would attempt to repair the damage she has done.

 

Instead, she learns nothing from the trappings of religious piety she is caught up in.

[twistedapart1]

Yes, the pill can have long-term effects of ruining your libido. But hell, if it's keeping her from having sex at all, what's the point of taking it?

[cj1988]

I know what you are going through, I live in your shoes. I accused my H of an A, we faught for months and now struggle with intimacy and all the above. He denied it, still does, I should have left a year ago and did not.

 

I also imagine myself in a life much different then the one I am in and want my M, but it is a constant battle and fight. I gues like myself you have to wait it out and try to talk to her and if it all does not fit your plan of life, change your path. I am doing that right now. Told my H last night, things MUST change or I will change, without him ! We have been together 13 years so I know it is hard......what do you want, that is what I am trying to figure out now and it will come !

 

Good luck !

[jmargel]

Let's look at some of the positives. It seems that she's a Christian now. Chances are, she has become a devoted and faithful wife. And, it seems that you are looking at her going to church as a negative and you seem to fail to realize that her change in mind and faith will be a great impact on your family and kids. Why don't you do things with her that she like do to including attending church and bible study with her.

 

Sure she's not screwing the pastor as well?

 

You sure she is actually going to bible study?

 

Sounds like you are not getting anything out of this marriage. Too many beautiful, single, loving women out there. You don't get any extra points in heaven by staying with someone who makes you miserable and treats you bad.

[FearNoMore]

She has cheated on several times, hasn't she? I would drop her and start a new life. I have been with a cheating partner and I can't go on with my marriage. He was the best thing ever happened to me, I made it.. I tried to make it work but I can't help thinking about what he did to the other woman... how they touched each other.. what they said to one another. It's too painful for me.

[Cobra_X30]

We don't do anything together, including sex. She says she has no libido and blames the pill. She wants to have the part of the marriage were we share stories of our day, but has no interest in the part of being intimate. By the way, I am the one always being affectionate, but if it is not being acknowledged, I hold back.

 

There is so much more to this story, but I need advice.

 

Listen, niether of you are really happy. I dont think she loves you.

 

There comes a point where you have to ask her to be the woman you need. If she can't do that... there is no way you will ever be able to be the man she needs.

 

So, I suppose the question is... what is holding you in this marriage?

 

Also, you say there is more to the story... what did you have in mind when you said that?

[Bryanp]

There are just way too many problems here. What is it that you are getting at all out of this marriage? She was screwing her boss behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's. How did she explain this? How would she feel if the roles were reversed? She screws her boss and now she does not want sex at all? I say contact an attorney.

[pensfan]

Thank you all for replying. Just to be clear, I truly believe she is a good person with a good heart. However, she is extremely emotional and has deep resentments with her mother, which transferred to me. She always feels very guilty with the least amount of criticism. I run my family's business and I started my own side company. I work a lot of hours but I always make time for family. So it is very hard for me to listen to her complain about trivial things. She has been a stay at home mother since our first child, 9 years ago. She never had a great job, mostly because she doesn't look in the right places.

 

She always looks for the easiest job, instead of one that might challenge her. This of course worries me, because if I leave, I don't know how she can take care of herself and the kids. I probably would move in with my brother again and continue to pay and take care of everything. I have no resentment over her new found interest in religion except that she just goes overboard with it. I do not suspect an affair within this group. She has taken the kids with her on occasion when I couldn't watch them. And she truly does study the bible deeply. There really are no other red flags that would signal an affair, like previously.

 

As far as me going to church, I never have in my life, although I believe in God, I just have my way of worshiping on my own. I have had bad dealings with so called religious people in my business and personal life. Some of these people that claim to be holier than thou are the worst there is. I also know a lot of good people that go regularly too. It is just not for me. I just hate that we no longer watch TV together or go out on dates, because she is more than happy in the bedroom reading the bible or on the computer reading scripture. As someone mentioned, I may be depressed a little, because I have little focus for long term projects.

 

My memory sucks, and I hate thinking about this for the last year and a half. I am not without my issues, I tend to phase out when she talks to me, when we argue neither of us can come to a resolution, we just don't communicate well, never have. When we get along, I tend to forget about everything that happened and I can be somewhat happy. But then as usual, I get tired of being the affectionate one and always starting sex. Then I stop and I become bitter when week turns into a month without sex. She says if all I want is sex than I should start it. What good is that, if all I wanted was sex, I could use my hand or something. All I ask is for her to recognize that I am the one that tries to be intimate. She then uses the libido excuse, and then maybe I should get snipped so she can get off the pill. But I have no faith in anything changing.

 

It still stands to this day that the best sex I have ever had with her was when she cheated on me and when she tried to get me back.

[AgentD]

Seperate your paragraphs so members can read your posts easily!

 

Many Thanks!

AgentD

[Moose]

This of course worries me, because if I leave, I don't know how she can take care of herself and the kids.

Why do the men always believe they will lose their kids? You're not the one at fault here. Chances are, you could wind up with full custody, that is, if you wanted it.

I just have my way of worshiping on my own.

Try including your wife when worshipping.

I have had bad dealings with so called religious people in my business and personal life. Some of these people that claim to be holier than thou are the worst there is.

Stop worrying about other people's spiritual wellness, and worry about your own.

 

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't of come back. Her now found faith is a desperate plea for forgiveness. And not from you.

[whichwayisup]

However, she is extremely emotional and has deep resentments with her mother, which transferred to me. She always feels very guilty with the least amount of criticism

 

Then she needs to work on that and go to therapy so she can work through her resentments and learn how to not take it out on you.

 

just hate that we no longer watch TV together or go out on dates, because she is more than happy in the bedroom reading the bible or on the computer reading scripture. As someone mentioned, I may be depressed a little, because I have little focus for long term projects.

 

Then make an effort. Take her out to dinner. Tell her you miss her and want to spend time with her. Get a babysitter and try to re-connect with your wife.

 

You two living two separate lives in the same household is only going to make you grow apart even more. She has her new found religion, you have your work - Together you two are with the kids but there's alot missing too.

 

Somehow (that is IF you want to stay in the marriage) you both need to talk through this and decide together to make your marriage better AND happier. When was the last time you two shared a good laugh together?

 

If communication is that hard, then write her a letter, sit beside her while she reads it and then ask her to write you a letter back.

[Cobra_X30]

 

She always looks for the easiest job, instead of one that might challenge her. This of course worries me, because if I leave, I don't know how she can take care of herself and the kids.

 

 

Yeah... if thats the attitude you take towards the mother of your children... I have no sympathy for you!

 

You should encourage her, and help her grow! If she does not... accept it. What is the point in bieng critical of her? Do you think that's going to make her love you? Or want you? Your lucky she accepts your affection!

[pensfan]

Should have made myself a little bit more clear, just trying to fit info in during my break. The only thing I have with the religion part is just that she can never balance us and something she gets her mind wrapped up into. I do think it has helped her feel better about herself, but does she really need to go from never going to church to going twice a week and studying every night for hours? Maybe that is something I just need to work with.

 

As far as me taking her on dates, I have. And we have a good time. But when we get home it is over. Then a couple weeks later I suggest going out again. It just annoys me that she can never suggest these things. I would like to see an effort from her at least once. I have tried to get us back into MC but she does not want to bare her soul to a new counselor because of our new insurance we have.

 

I don't understand the reaction from Cobra X30, why it is wrong for me to worry about my wife's and my kids welfare, if I should leave someday? Is it wrong that I would prefer that my kids don't get uprooted and have to live in an apartment? I can't afford a new place to live, I would be staying at my brothers, and I can't have my kids living there. I would never seek full custody, because that would kill my wife, she is an excellent mother. And she could not possibly afford to keep the house on her own. I don't know how I could start a new life without tearing everybody elses apart. If she has depression, how can she take care of herself? Of course these things worry me.

 

I still love my wife, I just think we grew apart. I wish she didn't tear my heart out. As much as I like to think I am stronger for it, I don't handle it as well now as I did previously. I think after the holidays, I am going to push for MC again, if she refuses and things don't get better, I will have to make tough decisions.

[Cobra_X30]

I don't understand the reaction from Cobra X30, why it is wrong for me to worry about my wife's and my kids welfare, if I should leave someday? Is it wrong that I would prefer that my kids don't get uprooted and have to live in an apartment?

 

Perhaps I misinterpreted you! If so I apologize.

 

It sounded as though you were overtly critical of your wife. I can understand some resentment... but Respect is required in a marriage. You need to respect your wife whether she holds a job, or finds a high paying job or whatever, doesnt really matter... just respect, accept, and love.

 

I'm glad that you care about thier welfare.

[Bryanp]

Again how does she explain the sexual affair with her boss behind your back and having sex with you at the same time?

She put your health at great risk for STD's and betrayed and humiliated you and your relationship at the same time.

This is a huge betrayal and you seem to gloss over this pretty easily. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you seem to be?

[pensfan]

It sounded as though you were overtly critical of your wife. I can understand some resentment... but Respect is required in a marriage. You need to respect your wife whether she holds a job, or finds a high paying job or whatever, doesnt really matter... just respect, accept, and love.

 

i admit at times I got frustrated with her jobs, something I am more likely to overlook these days. It was hard in the past because she always took the easiest jobs, yet she always wanted more for our house or a bigger house.

So therefore the more I work, the less time I have to do things. But now the kids are in school all day, she has a part time job. I am okay with it, I don't harp on her about it. That was more in the past when we were younger.

 

A big issue that relates to everything, is that she is a dependent girl who thinks she is independent. But to her credit, she is not high maintenance in regard to money, she is actually quite thrifty. She is more high maintenance with emotions, I have a hard time relating to every stupid little thing that gets her upset, things that do not upset the normal person. I get accused of not caring. Her married boss pretended to care about all those things, though

[pensfan]

Again how does she explain the sexual affair with her boss behind your back and having sex with you at the same time?

She put your health at great risk for STD's and betrayed and humiliated you and your relationship at the same time.

This is a huge betrayal and you seem to gloss over this pretty easily. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be as accepting as you seem to be?

 

While she apologized for all her misdeeds, she never could come to grips or fully explain exposing me like that.

I would hope to think that her need to go to church is a way of doing so, but it does still bother me.

 

Nothing was glossed over, believe me. I said some rotten things during the time we separated. But when I decided to come home, I couldn't come back and hold things over her head. I went over a year without bringing it up. But now that there is no intimacy between us, those feelings are creeping back into me.

[LifesontheUp]

What I see is that you have grown apart. I also think that she may have wanted you back only for the financial security.

 

Have you sat down and discussed how you both feel?

[bish]

I am at the point where I imagine a new woman in my life that I can have a normal relationship!

 

And it seems to me that a new woman would be good for you. You have a woman that cheated on you early on in the relationship and recently in the marriage. She will never change? she's reading the bible every day? So what? She isn't going to change. It might even just be a cover up.

You don't go from be sexually promiscuous and having the desire to screw your boss, to not wanting sex from your own husband at all the next.

 

It could be she doesn't want sex because she is still getting it elsewhere, or desires it from someone other than the same man she has been married to for so long.

 

our situations are similar. I like you tried to make it work..but in the end...there was no way I could look at her face without getting angry inside and I didn't want to settle for a cheater the rest of my life.

 

So I divorced her. If you are thinking about finding yourself a decent woman, I encourage you to follow through. Or hell...don't worry about finding a woman at all right now and just get a divorce and concentrate on yourself....gain your self-esteem back...hit the gym...date around.

 

Life is too short to live the rest of it out with a cheater...so if you are pondering divorce...I agree its the way to go...but its your call ultimately.

 

Good luck