How do I even address this...

[Badcommunicator]

Need some perspective...

 

How do I address two things I wish we had in our marriage but don't;

 

1.) Physical attraction: my wife wants me to want her, but I just don't. She's not ugly, but she doesn't make me want do wild crazy things to her. It's always been like this, in the old days I used to say to myself her personality & chemistry made up for the lack of physical attraction. But after 2 years marriage + 3.5 years dating, I kind of wish things were different. She wants me to want her -- and I wish I did want her, but I don't.

 

2.) Enthusiasm for my interests: I wish my wife could be more enthusiastic about the things I enjoy doing. My wife is, at best, is tolerant of the things I like to do, but more often than not is scared by them. It takes a lot of the pleasure out doing things because I feel like I'm going to upset her as soon as I mention the next hobby I want to start up, or trip I want to take.

 

In theory I could just not bother addressing these issues with her. That would maintain the peace. But it's gotten to a point in the marriage where I feel like I need to at least try to talk with her about these things. I don't know if I can achieve anything from it -- but I don't like the idea of spending the rest of my life not having certain needs addressed.

 

Is there a delicate way to discuss any of this?

[AJS]

I noticed you never said anything about being inlove with her, and from what you posted it seems like you aren't. You feel no physical attraction for her at all, do you think that maybe it's because she never wants to do things with you and it's affecting how you feel about her? Do you ever do something together you both enjoy? ok, set up a nice quiet dinner, candles, light music. Have her sit down besides you and sweetly tell her how you feel, listen to what she has to say too. If you really love each other you can compromise and work around these things. If you plan on staying M, you better start finding that attraction again, it's not fair for her to feel unwanted by her own H. You know there is more to a good sex life than just the physical attraction, when 2 people really love each other, it's not about how fine the body looks, etc. It's a close bond that they share, that bond alone can make for wonderful sex.

[incognito]

1. I'm wondering why you ever got married to her if there was never any physical attraction there? Did you think it would change out of the blue?? There must be, or have been, something that physically attracted you to her. In any case...if it's a matter of changing her appearance...i.e. taking better care of herself w/ her hair and nails and whatnot....get her a nice pampering spa package...tell her to get her hair done, nails done...whatever. Maybe you'd like to see her put on a little makeup and put forth effort for you each day...get her a makeover at the spa. Valentines day is coming up and it's a perfect time for something like that. Any girl would appreciate that gift. If it's a matter of her weight...then that's something you'll have to do together. And you'll have to introduce it slowly. You can't say hey, here's a gym membership and the latest fad diet...get to it. That's something you'll have to encourage and do yourself too. Start out by bringing up health issues that you may be concerned w/....everyone can afford to take better care of themselves by eating better and exercising more.

 

2. This is going to take some good communication. You have to tell her you feel like you're moving apart and want to get closer to each other. You want to spend more time w/ her and want her to take more interest in what you do. You can start by taking more interest in what she does, and asking her if she wants to join you in your activities. Also keep in mind that as a couple, there are going to be things that do not interest you both about each other. You don't need to do everything together...but you should find something that you both can do together. So maybe she's got no interest in what you do now....but you could ask her if there's anything she would be interested in doing w/ you. Remember that...if you're feeling this way about things...there's a good chance she is too...and she's wondering exactly how to bring it up to you as well.

 

Good luck.

[BadCommunicator]

Thanks for the posts.

 

In response to the question of why we got married, in retrospect, it was about the companionship & fear/guilt.

 

In the old days, and even now, it was the companionship that mattered a lot to me. I guess I just enjoyed having someone around to talk to. I tried to focus on that instead of the shortcomings. I also felt guilty about the physical attraction thing -- and others made me feel guilty too. The logic basically was "your an a#@-hole for thinking of splitting up with her." In the months before we got engaged I was pondered whether to split up with her or marry her. At the time I thought I would potentially be better off splitting up with her -- but it also seemed extremely mean to break up with her for the reasons I had, and risky -- what if I didn't find anyone else who would put with me.

 

We basically get along with each other when we isolate ourselves from other people, and restrict ourselves to things sedentary. Anything physically active, involving travel, involving sex, creates tensions.

 

My wife has actually made some effort to address the physical attractiveness thing, but it hasn't been consistent. There are times I feel like I should cut her some slack, she's made the effort, and I should reward her by just accepting her as is, not expect or want her to be anymore attractive than before.

 

Sometimes it feels like I married someone who would've been great just a friend but not as a lover/soul mate/wife.

[Ladylay]

My wife has actually made some effort to address the physical attractiveness

I really think you should do your wife a favour and let her find someone who she can have, a full relationship with.

I dont mean to sound harsh, I think you have guts to admit your problem.

However are you being fair to her? you say

 

Sometimes it feels like I married someone who would've been great just a friend

You both deserve to be with someone who fills your life in more areas than you have right now.

 

If you are great friends then maybe that can survive.

good luck!

[AJS]

I have to agree with ladylay here, it sounds like she is getting an unfair deal to me. You seem to be all about yourself anyway BC. It's like you don't even see her as human. I think you are selfish myself. Keep in mind it's JMO.

[incognito]

Thanks for the posts.

 

In response to the question of why we got married, in retrospect, it was about the companionship & fear/guilt.

 

In the old days, and even now, it was the companionship that mattered a lot to me. I guess I just enjoyed having someone around to talk to. I tried to focus on that instead of the shortcomings. I also felt guilty about the physical attraction thing -- and others made me feel guilty too. The logic basically was "your an a#@-hole for thinking of splitting up with her." In the months before we got engaged I was pondered whether to split up with her or marry her. At the time I thought I would potentially be better off splitting up with her -- but it also seemed extremely mean to break up with her for the reasons I had, and risky -- what if I didn't find anyone else who would put with me.

 

Actually...the question is HOW will you find anyone else to put up w/ you if you are tied to someone you don't want to be w/??

 

And in addition to that....how will your wife ever find someone who loves her as she is, if she is attached to someone who doesn't. What's unfair to her, is making her feel like she can never be good enough for you.

 

This sounds like it's you're problem, and not hers, and not simply little things that can be improved upon by taking extra care of herself. IMO, if there is just no physical attraction there...there's not suddenly, magically, going to be some in the future. And I don't see how a relationship can survive and thrive if there is no physical attraction.

[BadCommunicator]

I have to agree with ladylay here, it sounds like she is getting an unfair deal to me. You seem to be all about yourself anyway BC. It's like you don't even see her as human. I think you are selfish myself. Keep in mind it's JMO.

=============

 

Your accusation of me being selfish is essentially why I avoided splitting up with her for the past 2-3 years. I thought it would be more decent to stick around, to find a way to work out our issues.

 

May be you are right though. May be my wife is better off without me -- but in that case ultimately me being "selfish" would have made us both better off.

[AJS]

so what are you going to do about it? Let it "stay the same" or move on? It's really not fair to her, don't you even see that? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm really not. You ask a question on a public forum...you seem to be the problem like it or not. Do you want her forever? If not, move on! You are being very selfish, can't you see that?

[witabix]

Hi BadCommunicator.

 

Do you think you could say what you said here to her, without hurting her.

 

She may feel the same way.

 

You sound like an older person.

 

You must not hold on to someone because you are scared to be alone, or think you will find no one else. That is an unhealthy attitude for you to have. It's unhealthy for you.

 

You have to have more confidence in yourself. Your W found you attractive enough to marry you, thats a big thing. Unless of course she thinks the same as you.

 

Never thought she was attractive? I find that hard to believe/understand. Was it her cooking? Are you looking for a mother figure? Or a maid?

 

Probably not I guess.

 

People should be brave enough to admit they have made a mistake. There is no need to apportion blame, just admit it and go about fixing it to everyome's benefit.

 

Your W deserves your honesty, be direct but not hurtful, be open, have confidence in yourself.

 

If your W really wants to be with you then take another look at her. See the person, not the clothes or the hairdo or any of that crap. See the person who married you, she IS sexy, she is attractive, of course she is, she is a woman.

 

She may not fall into the narrow bands of what western society designates as "beautiful" but then so few do.

 

Look 'into' her. Look at her eyes, think about how they looked at you the day you asked her to marry you, the day you got married. Did you not see a woman who wanted you?

 

If you didn't then you have made an error of judgement.

 

If you did, think about it when you next hold her.

 

If you did, think about it when you next lay beside her.

 

Think about the things she has done, any sacrifices, or efforts she has made for you and your marriage.

 

If there are none then you have both made an error of judgement.

 

How many sacrifices, or efforts, have yu made for her?

 

None? Then you have made an error.

 

A lot? Then why did you do that?

 

Beauty can be in a look, or attitude, in a mind, or thought, in a deed, or action.

 

Physical beauty is a fleeting and transient thing, best left to the young.

 

Real beauty is in a heart that loves.

[Lennox]

Would you consider telling her that it's ok if she goes and has hot monkey sex with another guy that really physically desires her...so she can feel some fulfillment from a man for a change?

[Presario]

so she can feel some fulfillment from a man for a change?

 

This is nasty. So BC is not a man beause his d**k is not hard enough?

 

Why do you all bash BC? This guy gets here and wants some advice that could help him work on his marriage, and instead what he he gets here is that he's selfish, a loser, and should get a divorce. What is wrong with you!?

 

Yes, I can see that Witabix wrote constructively. BTW, Witabix, I like your post a lot.

 

Some people just don't have a high sex drive, and so, BC, you are just one of them. There are people who have a high sex drive, like me. So what that we don't get exactly what we want in bed? Libidos change, times change. I wish someone could tell me how to lower my sex drive! I want sex more when I talk with my wife, look into her eyes, and see how beautiful she looks. Perhaps that could work for you?

 

Plus, when sex is low you can work on your relationship calmly, without the sex rush. Think of ways to make your wife happy - perhaps doing something she loves to do, helping her with a project she was planning a long time. Try to do those, and she maybe happier than even to do something you like. You can ask why to try if she doesn't want to do similar things with you. If you trully want to work on the marriage, then you will happily do those things. Despite what people claim here, sex is not the MOST important, even though it is sometimes VERY important (i.e. when I can feel some "boner-pain" in my pants). Really, the most emotionally bonding things you can do when your mind is not clouded with sex drive, not when all you can think of is a vagina.

 

Do you get aroused in any way? Have you tried porn?

[Ladylay]

Why do you all bash BC? This guy gets here and wants some advice that could help him work on his marriage, and instead what he he gets here is that he's selfish, a loser, and should get a divorce. What is wrong with you!?

I was not bashing him.

I did not even realise he had erection problems.

If he has, it is probably because he does not find his wife attractive.

His words not mine.

[BadCommunicator]

I'm not going to dignify the comments about erectile performance...

 

In response to an earlier post, I'm not older, not really. I'm in my early-mid 30's. I guess I just sound older because of my tone & attitude.

 

Let me throw this one out at the audience, is what I'm talking about just what happens after we are in relationships/marriages for awhile? The pretty face doesn't seem so pretty anymore, the thingst that were so amazing about the other person in the beginning are nothing special now, and in between all the random headaches & annoyances just build up the disillusionment?

 

 

Stan

[AJS]

The pretty face doesn't seem so pretty anymore, the thingst that were so amazing about the other person in the beginning are nothing special now, and in between all the random headaches & annoyances just build up the disillusionment?

 

 

 

I have been married for 16 yrs and I have never looked at my H that way, and I don't believe he thinks of me that way either. He sure doesn't act like it. When I first married, my oldest sister gave me this advice..." In a long term marriage you will find that there are times you don't feel inlove anymore, it's during this time you must find everything that you love about them, and fall inlove with them again. Ok, easier said that done, but it does work.

 

I have always loved my H and there were a few times I thought I could live without him, as he did me. I think it's something you have to really work at. We believe it's a maturity level both must reach to have a successful marriage. After 16 yrs, NEITHER one of us looks like we did, it's called getting older and we all do it. When I'm real old, I know it's going to be my H taking care of me because he genuinely loves me and vice versa.

 

It's something you have to truly want and it sounds like you just don't anymore. Which is ok if that's just how you feel. If you feel guilty because you aren't inlove with W and want out, well that's just natural. I'm sure you don't want to hurt her. It's not fair to you or her in the long run if you stay just because of guilt though. You only live once, and if this is not how you want to live then you must change it before you both grow old hating each other. Mid 30's is young enough to start over. Plenty of time to start over for both of you.

 

Just do me a favor, really think about everything you have with her before you walk away from it, who knows...you might fall inlove again.

[Ladylay]

Let me throw this one out at the audience, is what I'm talking about just what happens after we are in relationships/marriages for awhile? The pretty face doesn't seem so pretty anymore, the thingst that were so amazing about the other person in the beginning are nothing special now, and in between all the random headaches & annoyances just build up the disillusionment?

 

 

That is quite normal tbh, we all go through phases of what if? [well I have]

At the end of the day though, I love my O.H. after many years wed.

My situ is different though, we have a long distance marriage.

His looks have always turned me on.

 

We are growing older together, have you asked your wife how she feels?

Does she still fancy you?

If she is as bored as you are, [sorry to sound harsh.]

I really was not bashing you earlier:( You just sounded so un-happy.

good luck.

[witabix]

Yes BC its normal.

 

I am a little worried about your "not so special anymore" comment.

 

Perhaps you could just make an effort to love her again, to find what made her special in the first flush of attraction.

 

Take yourself back to when you first met her.

 

What did you feel/see.

 

Is she reaaly all that different now?

 

People do change, and grow apart, it does happen.

 

Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her.

[Lennox]

I'm chuckling because I never said ANYTHING about Stan's erectile performance! When I wrote fulfillment, I meant in all respects. As usual...the men here thought I was talking only about his dick. Way to go guys!

 

Stan...the point I was getting to is that you seem to feel very uncaring for this woman in a lot of respects. You said she's not special, she annoys you, you're not attracted to her..etc. If you feel so blase' about her, is it to the extent where it wouldn't matter to you if she slept with another man? Why or why not? If it doesn't matter to you, then the best thing you can do is give it a last shot with a marriage counselor, then let her go to find a man that will really appreciate her if it doesn't work out. If it does matter to you, then it's time you got your head out of your ass and re-learn to appreciate the good woman you have and quit whining about it.

 

Having a good marriage takes work. It's not all magical, nor is it easy. Every marriage has problems. Every married couple at one point or another considers splitting up. Just the fact that you say you two are friends as well tells me that your marriage has a great chance of being salvaged.

[Bob Dole]

Hiya BadCommunicator!

 

A couple quick comments -

 

First, you say that you have friendship and chemistry - but no attraction. Could you explain? The reason I ask is that in my experience, closeness coupled with chemistry is way, way, way 'hotter' than simple physical good looks. I have been with women who were unquestionably stunning from a physical perspective, but it wasn't very fulfilling because that 'spark' of chemistry was lacking. It's always seemed to me that real intimacy, real friendship, coupled with chemistry is far superior to superficial attractiveness.

 

I guess my question is: are you sure that chemistry is there? Or do you have feelings that are closer to friendship or companionship?

 

Second, I just wanted to let you know that, at least in my life, having feelings of attraction that are sort of on-and-off seems pretty normal. There are times when frankly I don't find my lover remotely attractive - even unattractive; but there are also moments when that very same woman literally takes my breath away, when I find myself absolutely mesmerized by her beauty.

 

And sometimes that attraction can change from minute to minute. Sometimes a word or touch turns her magically into the most gorgeous creature on Earth; sometimes its purely physical, the right light or the right mood; sometimes its all emotional - her smile suddenly melts me without warning.

 

Then there are times when, for whatever reason, I'm not at all attracted to her. Same girl. Maybe we're fighting. Maybe it's my mood. Whatever.

 

I think that's just life. I think real love means having the patience to let those feelings come and go, knowing they'll come back again.

 

My only advice to you would maybe be to relax a little - I think this is one of those things that can't be forced. I think you may be trying a little too hard to feel that attraction.

 

Maybe if you just relaxed, let it be, enjoyed her company and her affection, you might suddenly see someone beautiful standing before you.

 

Then again ... maybe you should have stayed friends.

 

But give it a try. Just don't worry about it for a while. Just enjoy her. See what happens. You just might be surprised.

[Lil Honey]

is what I'm talking about just what happens after we are in relationships/marriages for awhile? The pretty face doesn't seem so pretty anymore, the thingst that were so amazing about the other person in the beginning are nothing special now, and in between all the random headaches & annoyances just build up the disillusionment?

 

Is YOUR face the same as it was when you got married? Is YOUR body the same?

 

What was amazing about her? You said earlier that there was no attraction . . . attraction doesn't HAVE to be physical. In fact, it's the non-physical stuff that will keep a marriage intact when age sets in and the body isn't what it used to be.

 

I think the illusion happens before marriage and in the first part of marriage. Then reality sets in.

[BadCommunicator]

I thank all of you, particularly the marriage veterans, for your comments about losing interest & attraction over time.

 

Now here's my next wrinkle -- all of those things already occurred during our 2nd & 3rd year we were dating, just before we were married.

 

I don't feel angry or resentful towards my wife right now. I just feel kind of lost. The things I described at the beginning are things I can probably just learn to live without -- I've been doing so for the past 6 years.

 

But part of me wonders whether it is a good idea in the long run to forego the things I'd ideally like in my marriage? And some of you have pointed out as well -- I'm denying my wife an opportunity to find someone who can appreciate her in the ways I don't.

 

As for the question about how she feels -- it's unclear. She tells me often that she loves me, that she always wants to be with me, and she's got a much higher sex drive than I do. But a few months back when we had a nasty argument about vacations she raised the possibility of splitting up -- stating that if we can't travel together what's the point of staying married. I retrospect can't tell whether she was just threatening to leave me in order to make me compromise on a travel issue, or has genuinely thought about splitting up.

[SoleMate]

BC, you're actually doing a fairly good job of communicating an important message - which is, your true feelings about your wife and your marriage. I understand it takes guts to say these things. You've already heard the blowback about, "How shallow can you be?"

 

I am divorced, and I look back now to feelings, very similar to yours, that I had before I even married my ex-husband. Friends, but not wildly in love nor really attracted physically. One possible outcome, which occurred in my case, is that the marriage goes downhill because of a lack of a true center, of true "couples glue", which IMO consists of much more than just friendship, even best friendship.

 

Life takes a toll, and if that person doesn't attract you strongly (be it physical or emotional), "growing apart" is hard to avoid. The fear of loneliness that originally brought you together abates with time, and you are left wondering, "Why am I here?" and "What am I missing?"

 

I wish with 97% of my heart that I had left my then-BF back in 1988, when I seriously planned it. But I found I could not live comfortably on just my income at the time. That is the major reason I went back to him. Yup, that's shallow as h*ll, AND it's the truth. AND it was the root cause of the divorce that was made final in 2005. Sure, there was some level of comfort, friendship and companionship. Just not enough to base a marriage on.

 

Food for thoight...if you knew that things would go downhill for you, with increasing emotional pain for you and your wife, and a divorce would likely ensue in 2016, would you rather split up now?

 

Best wishes whatever you decide. Just do me a favor and be fair and honest with your wife. Even if you don't "LOVE" her, you can still treat her right.

[Ladylay]

Best wishes whatever you decide. Just do me a favor and be fair and honest with your wife. Even if you don't "LOVE" her, you can still treat her right.

__________________

Ditto!! for you both

[Guest5]

For the past so many years you've had this relationship you have been nothing but SELFISH!

 

"oh, i dont want to break up with her cause people will think I AM selfish"..

"im afraid i can't get anyone else"

 

When all this time you have been wasting her years away in a relationship devoid of true love and intimacy. She might be just as desperate as you to stay in this sham of a marriage. I think the perfection you are looking for you are not going to find in a woman. And no, people who are attractive might not put up with your crap, but would you blame them? Instead of worrying about "having things lined up" before breaking it off, maybe you should think about your damn wife who gave you the privilege of marriage and talk to her about it.

[BadCommunicator]

About how my wife feels, she's complained at times about me not paying as much attention to her as she would like, and indirectly complained about not making her feel wanted physically.

 

But when I've asked her directly about how she feels about the marriage, my wife has emphasized to me that she's happy. She's also gotten upset when I brought up the issue. My sense is she is deathly fearful of losing the marriage and losing me.

 

The point was brought up that I should be grateful to my wife for even being willing to marry me. I'm not sure if I can agree with that point. Her younger brother admitted to me [just after we had been together for a year] that she wanted to marry me. During the 2nd-3rd year we were dating she regularly pressured me about where the relationship was going. She kept on bringing up her immigration status, how she needed a green card, or otherwise she'd have to leave the US 3-4 years down the road, after she ran out of renewals on her visa.

 

Looking back on it, I can't tell if she was using the immigration thing to pressure me into marriage, or using marriage as a way to solve her immigration problem, or a little of both.

 

My point -- my wife was pushing for us to get married. I was hesitant, I wanted her to address certain issues before I could commit to marriage. When I tried to talk with her about why I was hesitant, she basically told me that I was a pathetic slob who had no right to make any demands of her, and threatened to break up with me if I kept complaining. She wouldn't even go into pre-marriage counseling with me.