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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 12th April 2019, 12:54 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by El Duendecillo View Post
OP, it's hard to gauge from the information that you are providing, whether you are in denial, or just projecting your own feelings to soften your wife's behavior. I mean you no disrespect by saying that.
I completely agree with that. It's hard for me to gauge that too to be honest. Am I in denial about what seems obvious, and am just buying whatever BS she sends my way? I bet a lot of people are going to quote that one. She's told me she understands it looks really really bad, and that she's not making this any easier on me. She told her family about me not living there and her coworker that is, and she's getting a lot of backlash for it of course.

I've never really known or read about anyone in a position like mine, but of course the situation doesn't matter as much as the people involved in that situation.

We talked before I left that if she's interested in someone else, or if she feels the need to cheat on me, or is cheating on me, save both of our time and effort, just be honest and tell me and she can be with them instead. She told me she was not, and if she felt like it wasn't working with us and she was interested in someone else she would tell me. She asked me the same respect.

Most likely one that would end up in this situation would be in denial about some aspect, and it's very possible in some of my explanation to everyone I am giving her too much or too little credit.

A lot of you have mentioned that if you were in my position, you would move back into the house tonight, and begin filing for a divorce. Or, I should try to someway get information on what she's doing to confirm she's not cheating. Both of those actions are automatically destroying the relationship, as it shows I don't trust her. Trust is probably the most important component in this situation, and if I didn't trust her I would not have agreed to this in the first place, we would have just broken up. Moving back in the house would be temporary anyway, as breaking up means we are selling it.

If I don't trust her, there is absolutely no hope of this working. Of course if she doesn't trust me it leads to the same result, but my situation is easier to trust. She has shared a lot of information with me that probably wasn't easy to share, knowing I wouldn't react well to it (her drinking, the wild get together). Of course, this may not mean much as she can always be withholding information or lying to me.

We have a prenup which she actually insisted, as the court systems aren't fair to men and shes far from a feminist. We have a signed document (not an official legal document) that we both wanted to do that if we split we sell the house and split the money. It doesn't matter to me if she takes everything in the house, as all my possessions of value are with me here.

I guess my conclusion is all I have to lose that is of importance to me is her, which in a way, I already have. Because of that I am not in fear of getting hurt, as in a way I am already dealing with that. If she is being honest with me, going through this process with her has the opportunity to make our relationship stronger and happier for both of us. Even if she is honest and not cheating or anything, there may be a chance we still don't work out as maybe we have just become too different and want different things.

If she is cheating and I find out sooner, of course it's over. Probably the worst fate would be if she was cheating, hiding it while our relationship was developing again, and then if we ended up back together and I found out about it later. That one would hurt the most, as that would be pretty sinister behavior, but I guess that's a risk I have to take.

Ultimately, the odds on paper are low for this to work out, I understand that. I know if we break up in the end I am going to be ok. The first few months will be rough, but I will eventually bounce back. I think the hardest part is just having faith and trusting her, and not knowing definitively what the end result will be.

I guess if hypothetically she posted a thread from her perspective, what would your advice to her be? What would you say about her? What would you say about me?

Thank you again for your support, You guys are giving me your honest thoughts and things to consider. At the very least, I feel a great sense of relief just being able to talk about this.
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Old 12th April 2019, 6:45 AM   #32
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A lot of you have mentioned that if you were in my position, you would move back into the house tonight, and begin filing for a divorce. Or, I should try to someway get information on what she's doing to confirm she's not cheating. Both of those actions are automatically destroying the relationship, as it shows I don't trust her. Trust is probably the most important component in this situation, and if I didn't trust her I would not have agreed to this in the first place, we would have just broken up. Moving back in the house would be temporary anyway, as breaking up means we are selling it.
No my friend. You wanting to move back into your own home is NOT showing that you have a trust issue, but rather that she is not living up to the agreement to work on saving her marriage. It is HER actions that are automatically destroying this marriage, by withholding intimacy and affection, and wanting you to live apart while she explores herself.

Since she has failed to put forth the agreed upon effort, you need to move home immediately.


Quote:
If I don't trust her, there is absolutely no hope of this working. Of course if she doesn't trust me it leads to the same result, but my situation is easier to trust. She has shared a lot of information with me that probably wasn't easy to share, knowing I wouldn't react well to it (her drinking, the wild get together). Of course, this may not mean much as she can always be withholding information or lying to me.
Again, IMO she is behaving just like a typical cheater. She will do anything, and feed you whatever BS is necessary to keep you waiting around as her backup plan.


Quote:
We have a prenup which she actually insisted, as the court systems aren't fair to men and shes far from a feminist. We have a signed document (not an official legal document) that we both wanted to do that if we split we sell the house and split the money. It doesn't matter to me if she takes everything in the house, as all my possessions of value are with me here.
You may want to consider converting this prenup into an official legal document, if that is still possible at this point. As it exist now, a crappy attorney could probably have it invalidated in a court of law, in it's current form. Not saying she's not entitled to a fair portion of your marital assests should you split, but you could find yourself paying alimony for years.

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I guess my conclusion is all I have to lose that is of importance to me is her, which in a way, I already have. Because of that I am not in fear of getting hurt, as in a way I am already dealing with that. If she is being honest with me, going through this process with her has the opportunity to make our relationship stronger and happier for both of us. Even if she is honest and not cheating or anything, there may be a chance we still don't work out as maybe we have just become too different and want different things.

If she is cheating and I find out sooner, of course it's over. Probably the worst fate would be if she was cheating, hiding it while our relationship was developing again, and then if we ended up back together and I found out about it later. That one would hurt the most, as that would be pretty sinister behavior, but I guess that's a risk I have to take.
Having you move out, then moving a roommate in, is not going to make her relationship stronger and happier. She knows this, and from what you have told us, she's not even trying. This is why I will keep telling you to start doing some digging, because the sooner you learn the full truth, the sooner you can get out of this limbo you are presently in.

Another member referred to her actions as a long goodbye, and that does appear to be a possibility.

Quote:
Ultimately, the odds on paper are low for this to work out, I understand that. I know if we break up in the end I am going to be ok. The first few months will be rough, but I will eventually bounce back. I think the hardest part is just having faith and trusting her, and not knowing definitively what the end result will be.
She has destroyed all of the trust in your marriage, so you are justified in feeling this way.

The question you need to ask yourself is, how long are you willing to be kept in limbo?

Sorry that you are having deal with this nightmare man.
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Old 12th April 2019, 7:27 AM   #33
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Your rationale regarding trust makes no sense at all. Trusting or not trusting doesn’t change the other person’s behavior. There have been plenty of spouses who trusted that their spouse would never cheat, and they were dead wrong. To me, it’s irrelevant if you speculate whether she’s cheating or not - although she probably is - what’s relevant is that she doesn’t want to make love to you and doesn’t want to be in the marriage. That alone speaks volumes.

Last edited by bathtub-row; 12th April 2019 at 7:29 AM..
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Old 12th April 2019, 8:00 AM   #34
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Can you afford marriage counseling? Get some.

She needs to be motivated to find herself but within the confines of your marriage. Lots of married people complete their educations. She's blaming you for bad decisions she made about her own life.
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Old 12th April 2019, 12:24 PM   #35
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You can say it how ever you want to. Your wife kicked you out on the promise to start dating again and has failed to do so. Send her back to her parents and sell the home. Then file for divorce and end this shame of a marriage where you are the only one trying.
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Old 13th April 2019, 9:19 PM   #36
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We talked before I left that if she's interested in someone else, or if she feels the need to cheat on me, or is cheating on me, save both of our time and effort, just be honest and tell me and she can be with them instead.
In the interest of keeping their options open, you'd be amazed at how many separated spouses don't live up to this bargain.

In some ways, doesn't her obvious decision she's not interested in you have the same effect as being interested in someone else? Isn't "not you" enough?

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Old 14th April 2019, 12:45 AM   #37
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Break up with this person.. You will be glad you did a year from now1
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Old 20th April 2019, 4:36 PM   #38
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Hello again everyone, thank you for your responses.

I am actually a bit taken aback by some of your responses. I was hoping to receive some support and encouragement in a challenging time in my life. I understand everyone is just trying to help. Some responses have given me things to think about, others I take as a bit rude and unnecessary. It seems the majority is not really supportive in my wife and I working this out, but more me breaking up with her before she breaks up with me.

I believe every marriage has its ups and downs. I take my vows seriously, in sickness & health, better or worse. This is definitely more the worse period, but I guess it takes two to get to this point. Just because things don't look great right now doesn't mean I am going to give up. I believe solid happy marriages are earned. I can see my flaws and how I contributed to her and I getting here, I could've and should have been a better husband.

My perception of being a husband and a man has completely changed. My role is to be the leader in our relationship, but also selflessly sacrifice for my wife. If one of us is to suffer more, it should be me. Loving my wife is not a feeling but a command, a choice. Marriage is a covenant to your partner and to God. If she not being a good wife to me at the time, it doesn't mean I give up on her or stop being a good husband in return, because I also made an oath to God.

All I have power over at this point is working on my flaws and improving myself. I have joined a boxing gym and started boxing 3x a week which was something I always wanted to try but too afraid to start. I haven't had any processed foods for a few weeks now. I am doing great at work, and I am spending more time talking with and hanging out with people I lost touch with. Most importantly to me as more of a new Christian, I have developed a closer relationship with God, and I am starting to understand what that means. I am trying to focus on serving other people rather than just serving myself.

I don't think I would be able to learn all of this if we were still living together. I think after awhile we kind of put each other in a box of who we expected each other to be, and neither of us were encouraging the other grow and expand into better people.

I hope we stay together, that is my goal of course. We have been talking more this week and having a lot of honest productive conversations, and she says it's really helping her. Part of that was the choice to removed my resentment and anger towards her and have replaced it with love. She is still a bit resentful towards me on how I contributed to our relationship stunting both of us, but I told her I can't show her change if she doesn't let me. We are going out on our first real date since I moved out this Tuesday.

If it turns out she has been cheating on me all along, that's ok. I don't think she is, but if she has been unfaithful it shows me I will be better off without her, and that she broke the pact with myself and God. In the end, I would be able to look at myself and say that I still did my part in preserving our marriage and honoring God, and take all of the growth and lessons I have learned and have it benefit my next relationship. Everything happens for a reason, but I still pray for my wife and I's relationship to heal and become something better than it was before.

Thank you for reading, and I will continue to update you all with what happens.
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Old 20th April 2019, 10:19 PM   #39
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Everything happens for a reason, but I still pray for my wife and I's relationship to heal and become something better than it was before.

Thank you for reading, and I will continue to update you all with what happens.
You've touched on the nature of the advice you've received, it's suggestions given from the context of our own experiences. The great thing about a site like this is the ability to pick and choose that which is of value to you.

I understand how important faith is to you. But like those religions that refuse transfusions or other forms of treatment, there's a danger in removing the human element. You should continue to hold your wife responsible for both her part in the disconnect and the effort needed to get back on track.

The Lord helps those that help themselves...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 20th April 2019, 10:32 PM   #40
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We all get it that you want your marriage to last. However, you appear to be laboring under the delusion that most people who are divorced didnít take their vows seriously or didnít really want their marriages to work out. I hope you get that idea out of your head because it could be construed as arrogant and judgmental. Most people are devastated when their marriage fails, even if theyíre the one to leave.

The thing is, few people will advise you to close your eyes to the obvious. You simply canít see the forest for the trees. Time will most likely give you the answers you seek...or donít seek.
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Old 20th April 2019, 11:55 PM   #41
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Sounds like she's put you in limbo and for now you're content on keeping yourself there.

This. Dude, let her go and move on with your life.
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Old 21st April 2019, 3:21 AM   #42
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OP, you may take your vows seriously, but that doesn't matter a whole lot if your other half doesn't. And it doesn't sound like she is.

Right now, she's feeling discontent with her life choices and now she has you falling on the sword because of it, even though it sounds like you've been supportive of her and those decisions.

It's admirable you want to work this out and are willing to do what you can to see that happen. Problem is, I think this further sacrifice of your own happiness isn't going to have the desired effect. She already knows you're supportive of her and want to do what you can to make her happy. And she still has you living outside of your own home.
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Old 21st April 2019, 3:25 AM   #43
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I hope we stay together, that is my goal of course. We have been talking more this week and having a lot of honest productive conversations, and she says it's really helping her. Part of that was the choice to removed my resentment and anger towards her and have replaced it with love. She is still a bit resentful towards me on how I contributed to our relationship stunting both of us, but I told her I can't show her change if she doesn't let me. We are going out on our first real date since I moved out this Tuesday.
Unless I missed something, it sounds like her being a college dropout who had no social live or hobbies outside of the relationship were either direct or indirect decisions she made. I don't see how she's right for feeling resentment toward you about that unless you left something out. As it is, it sounds like she's passing the buck to you over choices she made, which isn't fair to you.
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Old Yesterday, 11:48 AM   #44
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A couple of things OP, first Mr. Lucky stole my thunder, God helps those who help themselves is something more people should live by.

Second, I know you think some people are being rude by conveying their opinions on the matter in a way that seems harsh. I'm going to tell you how it is with most here...they've been through it. They have no vested interest in whether or not you fail, none of us has a dog in this fight, so what you hear and do not like is based more on your hope of wanting to hear nothing but good things. When people give you opinions based on their own life experience in the hopes of helping you they are not doing so to be rude.

Third, I see you are a religious man. In reading your last post it made me think of the parable, the prodigal son. It seems to me you are like the father who is awaiting his son's return rather than the husband who should be taking back control of his marriage. Maybe that is why your wife resents you so much? Maybe you treat her more like a child than an equal?

Fourth, you say that neither of you wants a divorce. Well most of us objective observers can see this train wreck coming from a mile away, because guess what separation leads to way more often than not? You don't have kids with this woman OP, so really there are no ties that bind.
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Old Yesterday, 12:02 PM   #45
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So sorry for you bud.
Your situation does not seem unusual at all, but your willful ignorance is, and you have my sympathy.
In situations this dire you need to be willing to lose the marriage to have even a shot at saving it.
And yes, this is 100% an affair, I'll set my watch and warrant on it.
I'll try to remember you in my prayers as my words are not likely to reach you.
So sorry you are here. These people are trying to be supportive.
Not everything is solved with talking and understanding, I hope you find your anger and indignation to stand up for what is right.
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