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Living separately, encouragement appreciated.


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 11th April 2019, 3:49 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by donovant91 View Post

I willingly agreed to let this guy move in with her, as I have met him personally and have helped him out a few times. He is 60 years old with a physical disability and that needs a temporary place to stay for a few months. He works at the coffee shop part time and then lives on disability. He is the oldest of her group of 6 friends ranging from 19-60. The only reason I was more against him moving in was because I wanted her to feel me gone and miss me rather then be distracted by one of her friends.

You're separated and don't live there but he can?

Aside from her not wanting to cheat as she still loves me, if she were to cheat and we do end up breaking up we have signed that she is not entitled to any of my income, and we would just sell the house and split the profit.

She loves you but is distant, no intimacy, etc, etc? Sounds like your projecting your feelings onto her. Her actions say different. Words don't mean much
Sounds like she's put you in limbo and for now you're content on keeping yourself there.
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Old 11th April 2019, 3:52 PM   #17
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Been in the hospitality business all my life, and it's one of those high stress/adrenaline fields promoting a bond with your fellow workers. If she's good at her job, she's likely getting positive feedback and validation she doesn't receive through your relationship. Something to think about...
working in a coffee shop is a high stress job?
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Old 11th April 2019, 6:41 PM   #18
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And please, do not look through my posts 8 years ago and think there is any relevance. It is not the same woman. I was hoping to receive support and that feels kind of like a witch hunt.
D, my intent, and I'm sure other's as well, is not to make you feel persecuted. I think you deserve to be told in a man to man way that I think your wife is involved with someone else...not neccesarily the 60 yr old disabled guy. IWhat you have described is not what a spouse should be going through. With that said, women do not love men they do not respect, and based on the actions you describe, it sounds like she is treating you like a doormat, hence not respecting you.
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:01 PM   #19
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You have to move back in & you two have to work together if this is going to be fixed. You living else where just teaches her she can live without you.
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:14 PM   #20
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Also teaches he can live without her.
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:16 PM   #21
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I know you donít believe she is cheating but she is showing every sign of cheating.
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Old 11th April 2019, 8:18 PM   #22
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Moving a disabled "older" person in seems like a pretty good cover for cheating if you ask me. Why are you putting up with this?
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Old 11th April 2019, 9:26 PM   #23
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Hello again and thank you all for your replies. I appreciate everyone's input and perspective, and I do my best to read all of your comments with an open mind.

It's hard to fill in all the details of our relationship over a forum, but she shows me through her actions that she is trying to get our relationship to work again. So far, If i ever need to talk to her, she is available no questions asked. If i ever want to see her, she drops what she's doing to get together with me, no complaints, whether she feels like it will be a positive or negative experience. We've talked about our relationship a lot, maybe too much, and I know were both getting sick of it but we still do if either one of us is struggling.

I have had more problems with this situation obviously, who wouldn't right? I didn't want to move out initially, but it got to the point where the lack of intimacy started to seep into other areas of our relationship, and I started to feel resentful towards her. She could tell I was getting frustrated with her. I would ask her how hard is it to hold my hand, or kiss me once in awhile? She used to do it all the time. She tried initiating sex with me a few times before I moved out, as she didn't want me to leave and wanted these problems to go away, but she was dry and I could tell she wasn't into it. She was trying to fix things but that just made things more uncomfortable and me feel more rejected. She would then get defensive and feel like she would be on egg shells around me. Then we just started arguing all the time, and it became exhausting.

Moving out was a last resort for us, as we couldn't fix our problems still living together. With the rate of our arguments, we felt like we were letting this problem destroy everything that was good about our relationship.

She feels the lack of intimacy is from her losing her individuality in our relationship. I am the "successful" partner, and she had no friends, no job, little family, and an unfinished education. She didn't feel so much like we were two individuals in a relationship, but that she was an extension of me and that's it. I tell her we are a team and they aren't just my accomplishments, as she has given me a great deal of love and emotional + practical support for my career, but she told me she needs to feel that she can be her own person with her own identity. When she first started working at the coffee shop, when people would ask about her life she would talk about me a lot, but when people asked about her, she didn't really know what to say.

Boundaries and respect for me were brought up. She tells me she respects no one more than me. As for actions to back that up, never blowing me off, not asking for any money thus far, and coming to our relationship decisions mutually could be related to that. In this situation I struggle with that line myself. Some days I feel like a cuck, other days I feel like I'm a strong husband that is willing to do what most people won't to save his marriage. Some days I feel happy, other days I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I'm trying my best to be patient with her and myself, and to think positively.

The major goal of living separately was to have more fun with each other again. We planned on going on more dates and getting together and doing fun things together, and letting things happen naturally just like when we first fell in love. Living apart would act on the limited availability and would hopefully add to re-igniting the spark. We did a lot of things "wrong" when we first got together, so we wanted to rebuild on a better foundation. So far the first month that hasn't happened, but it's been more arguing, planning & communicating what one needs from the other during this time. We thought we planned it out before I left, but emotions come up when we actually go through with it.

Another reason I agreed to let her friend stay with her is that I didn't want her to stay with me solely for financial security. Her friend is no sugar daddy as someone called it, as he works part time for minimum wage and collects disability, but with him living there and paying some expenses she doesn't feel like a gold digger asking me for money all the time. Although I would have preferred her to live by herself, if she did she wouldn't be able to afford things on her own, and I want her to feel like shes doing things herself, and that she can be her own person.

I am trying to distance myself from our relationship, as if I am over analyzing it everyday I'm just going to stress myself out. So far when I've gotten too stressed, I have gone to her for emotional support. She has been good with it, but at this point, she only gets to see me at my weakest, so I need a place to vent and a third party that isn't personally involved with us so that she can see more of the positive side of me.

With that said, I appreciate everyone's feedback and thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.
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Old 11th April 2019, 10:26 PM   #24
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OP, it's hard to gauge from the information that you are providing, whether you are in denial, or just projecting your own feelings to soften your wife's behavior. I mean you no disrespect by saying that.

A few huge Red Flags:

1. She cut you off romantically before you moved out, and withheld all intimacy from you.

2. She starts working, and falls in with a new group of friends.

3. She hangs, and goes out with these friends.

4. She invites these friends into your home, where 2 has drunken sex in your bathroom.

5. She has this man (regardless of age or physical disability) move in as a roommate.

A loving wife that truly respected her husband would not want to live apart until she rediscovers her love for him again. That is what marriage counseling is for. She knows that this separation is not what you wanted, yet she let you move out anyway. These are not the actions of a woman that respects her husband. In fact, the complete opposite sound true.

What are you looking for here exactly? I can tell you that were I in your position, I would be moving back home tonight. If she has a problem with that, then she should leave, and I'd be seeing an attorney tomorrow morning.

Whether you want to accept it or not, she is showing all of the signs of having an affair. On the odd chance that she's not, how long will it be before she hooks up with someone now that you are living elsewhere?

I'm sorry man, and I may be totally wrong here. But something just does not seem right with your wife's behavior. At a minimum, you may want to do some digging to rule out there isn't another man in the picture. Otherwise you may find yourself in this limbo until you are blindsided later.

Last edited by El Duendecillo; 11th April 2019 at 10:29 PM..
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Old 11th April 2019, 10:41 PM   #25
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I'm very glad to hear she's (apparently) not cheating. You have little idea how rare that is around here when someone describes what you did. It's possible, but there's no direct evidence (some circumstantial though).

However:

Quote:
Originally Posted by donovant91 View Post
She tried initiating sex with me a few times before I moved out, as she didn't want me to leave and wanted these problems to go away, but she was dry and I could tell she wasn't into it. She was trying to fix things but that just made things more uncomfortable and me feel more rejected. She would then get defensive and feel like she would be on egg shells around me. Then we just started arguing all the time, and it became exhausting.
How long do you want to let that continue?

Quote:
Some days I feel like a cuck, other days I feel like I'm a strong husband that is willing to do what most people won't to save his marriage. Some days I feel happy, other days I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I'm trying my best to be patient with her and myself, and to think positively.
How long do you want to let that continue?

Quote:
So far the first month that hasn't happened, but it's been more arguing, planning & communicating what one needs from the other during this time. We thought we planned it out before I left, but emotions come up when we actually go through with it.

I am trying to distance myself from our relationship, as if I am over analyzing it everyday I'm just going to stress myself out.
And how long do you want to let that continue?

I didn't have a quote, but also how long do you want to let the "girls gone wild" stuff continue in your home with you not present?

You can give it more than a month, but you should realize that what you're trying isn't working. This might change, but I think it's not very likely to. Hope I'm wrong.

I think you should see an MC. I think you should realize that divorce may end up being the most sensible option in your case.

Quote:
With that said, I appreciate everyone's feedback and thank you for reading and taking the time to respond.
It probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, but let's face it, your situation is not looking good ATM. FWIW, I'm sorry that you are in it.
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Old 11th April 2019, 11:11 PM   #26
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IMO you are naive.

Words never mean squat. It's always the actions that define and count.

Nothing correlates here.
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Old 11th April 2019, 11:24 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by donovant91 View Post
The major goal of living separately was to have more fun with each other again. We planned on going on more dates and getting together and doing fun things together, and letting things happen naturally just like when we first fell in love. Living apart would act on the limited availability and would hopefully add to re-igniting the spark. We did a lot of things "wrong" when we first got together, so we wanted to rebuild on a better foundation. So far the first month that hasn't happened, but it's been more arguing, planning & communicating what one needs from the other during this time. We thought we planned it out before I left, but emotions come up when we actually go through with it.
This honestly says more about the state of your marriage than anything else. If she were truly interested in preserving the marriage, she would observe that the separation has not yielded the results she claims were the reason for the separation in the first place. She would then say, "Hey, this isn't working how I thought it would, so you should come back home and we can try to figure this out another way." Instead, it sounds like she's continued on with this plan that has you sitting exiled from your own home with no end in sight.

Again, I say that if you want to really see her true intent, tell her that this separation isn't working out the way you two planned and that you want to come back home and try to figure it out another way. Based on what you've told us, I can almost guarantee she's going to balk at that idea.

My opinion? I think she got you out of the house so she could have a bit of a test run living on her own in preparation to exit the marriage.
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Old 11th April 2019, 11:35 PM   #28
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Sounds like the long goodbye, to me. Most women in their 20’s don’t lose interest in sex. Something else is going on. You think you know her but you don’t. The person you knew was the young girl in her early 20’s and now you’re dealing with a slightly more grown up version of someone who has basically screwed up her life, thinks she missed out on things, and has coffee shop workers whispering in her ear.

While I’m sure she feels a great deal of attachment toward you because of your history together, the two of you have grown apart. You got together too young and made serious sacrifices during that time. I agree with everyone else, this relationship has very little chance of survival. I know you want to hear something different but you came here for answers, not lies.
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Old 11th April 2019, 11:42 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by donovant91 View Post
Hello again and thank you all for your replies. I appreciate everyone's input and perspective, and I do my best to read all of your comments with an open mind.

It's hard to fill in all the details of our relationship over a forum, but she shows me through her actions that she is trying to get our relationship to work again. So far, If i ever need to talk to her, she is available no questions asked. If i ever want to see her, she drops what she's doing to get together with me, no complaints, whether she feels like it will be a positive or negative experience. We've talked about our relationship a lot, maybe too much, and I know were both getting sick of it but we still do if either one of us is struggling.
I mean that's nice, but doesn't mean she's invested in the marriage. Most of my exes who ended things were good women who were willing to meet up with me and talk about things after the relationship. Unfortunately, this tended to give me false hope that they still cared enough that perhaps they would reconsider things. What was really going on was they still cared about me as a person, knew I was hurting, and were willing to talk, even if they were done with the relationship. Your wife probably has some similar guilt, but that doesn't mean she's interested in saving the marriage.

Quote:
I have had more problems with this situation obviously, who wouldn't right? I didn't want to move out initially, but it got to the point where the lack of intimacy started to seep into other areas of our relationship, and I started to feel resentful towards her. She could tell I was getting frustrated with her. I would ask her how hard is it to hold my hand, or kiss me once in awhile? She used to do it all the time. She tried initiating sex with me a few times before I moved out, as she didn't want me to leave and wanted these problems to go away, but she was dry and I could tell she wasn't into it. She was trying to fix things but that just made things more uncomfortable and me feel more rejected. She would then get defensive and feel like she would be on egg shells around me. Then we just started arguing all the time, and it became exhausting.

Moving out was a last resort for us, as we couldn't fix our problems still living together. With the rate of our arguments, we felt like we were letting this problem destroy everything that was good about our relationship.
I just don't see how moving out was supposed to help these issues. Why not try counselling together and actually address the problem?

Quote:
She feels the lack of intimacy is from her losing her individuality in our relationship. I am the "successful" partner, and she had no friends, no job, little family, and an unfinished education. She didn't feel so much like we were two individuals in a relationship, but that she was an extension of me and that's it. I tell her we are a team and they aren't just my accomplishments, as she has given me a great deal of love and emotional + practical support for my career, but she told me she needs to feel that she can be her own person with her own identity. When she first started working at the coffee shop, when people would ask about her life she would talk about me a lot, but when people asked about her, she didn't really know what to say.
Well, that's her fault. College is not for everyone, but if she didn't have a solid idea of what she was going to do after dropping out, then it was foolish of her to leave school. What the heck did she expect to find out there aside from menial jobs if she didn't have a real plan of attack after dropping out?

As for the other stuff, that's sort of the risk of settling down too early. It's not necessarily anything you did, but it's not uncommon for people who settle down young to eventually wonder if they've missed out. In your case, it seems like your wife probably doesn't have much of her individual identity. What does she do with her time? She sounds like she's aimless. I've known people like that who didn't really seem to have many hobbies, few close friends; they almost looked to finding someone to marry as a means to give them purpose. Maybe that's the case here and your wife has come to realize that letting a relationship define who you are isn't a good idea.

Quote:
Boundaries and respect for me were brought up. She tells me she respects no one more than me. As for actions to back that up, never blowing me off, not asking for any money thus far, and coming to our relationship decisions mutually could be related to that. In this situation I struggle with that line myself. Some days I feel like a cuck, other days I feel like I'm a strong husband that is willing to do what most people won't to save his marriage. Some days I feel happy, other days I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. I'm trying my best to be patient with her and myself, and to think positively.
She doesn't respect you at the moment. If she did, she would try to be working on this relationship, especially after seeing the separation isn't working as she said she intended to. She's got you sitting in a freaking bedroom indefinitely while she goes out and has a life. That's not respect.

Quote:
I am trying to distance myself from our relationship, as if I am over analyzing it everyday I'm just going to stress myself out. So far when I've gotten too stressed, I have gone to her for emotional support. She has been good with it, but at this point, she only gets to see me at my weakest, so I need a place to vent and a third party that isn't personally involved with us so that she can see more of the positive side of me.
That's good of you to want to be strong in her eyes, but this current arrangement can only go on so long. Otherwise, you're compromising on what you want and need from all of this. And she knows that. And then, it won't matter how strong you want to appear to her, because she'll know that you're willing to take your lumps and live in exile, foregoing your own needs, all for the sake of preserving a marriage she sounds minimally invested in.
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Old 12th April 2019, 12:23 AM   #30
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working in a coffee shop is a high stress job?
Understand what you're saying, she's not working as an air traffic controller.

But yes, high-volume food operations can be stressful in the need to coordinate many activities and handle large numbers of people at once. And when it comes to coffee, people get crazy if things don't go smoothly...

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