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Old 4th February 2019, 6:49 PM   #31
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well Pearl, with all the problems your husband could have I think that what is bothering you about him is fairly minor and innocuous. At the end of the day he is a good man.
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Old 4th February 2019, 6:53 PM   #32
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well Pearl, with all the problems your husband could have I think that what is bothering you about him is fairly minor and innocuous. At the end of the day he is a good man.
This is not about being a good man or a bad man. I am actually worried that he does not get enough sleep/does not eat right and I do not want to be responsible for that.
I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.
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Old 4th February 2019, 7:00 PM   #33
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Oh PTSD is a big deal, it requires a lot of psychological help to improve. What trauma did he suffer?

The best way to do this is to offer a very structured and supportive lifestyle, but set rules at the same time. Make the list small so its not overwhelming. Also establish that you will accept nothing less than full adulting, so donít let him use it as an excuse to baby him.
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Old 4th February 2019, 7:13 PM   #34
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Oh PTSD is a big deal, it requires a lot of psychological help to improve. What trauma did he suffer?

The best way to do this is to offer a very structured and supportive lifestyle, but set rules at the same time. Make the list small so its not overwhelming. Also establish that you will accept nothing less than full adulting, so don’t let him use it as an excuse to baby him.
To be honest I am not sure what exactly his trauma was. He was diagnosed with combat ptsd but actually he says he did not see much action (and that the diagnosis might be wrong)... but I often do think that he might be lying to me because he does not want to burden me... but I do not know what kind of trauma.

I really try to give him structure and support but I cannot always be there. I am really it sure if asking stupid question or wanting people to tell you when it is bed time or not wanting to reheat thins in the microwave is a sign of ptsd. Maybe this is more like a relationship dynamic.

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Old 4th February 2019, 7:32 PM   #35
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Was he ever in the military or in a traumatic accident or something and might have PTSD?

Some of this stuff, if his mom is still alive, you should ask her about it. Maybe some is stuff he was used to her doing for him. Then you'd know if it's new or not. She may have a clue what's up.

Some of it sounds like PTSD or anxiety, the sleeping part, the relaxing, but some of it sounds compulsive, like having to be exact about everything to buy or what time to put the kids to bed.

As for the chips and popcorn, I just think he likes chips and popcorn! He obviously likes a certain routine, and in that I agree he may be on the spectrum somewhere for autism. Seems like his mom would know more.

Maybe there's some ways you can generalize on the grocery list, like "When in doubt, buy the generic brand (or the name brand)" or "When in doubt, buy the one that's on sale." With the bedtimes, seems like telling him one time , Put them to bed at 10:00 or within 15 minutes one way or the other.
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Old 4th February 2019, 7:44 PM   #36
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Aw. I admit I have a really soft spot for people with high IQs. Your husband sounds so cute, although Iím sure some of those things can get annoying. I hope he can work out the things that are causing him so much distress. Try to be understanding with him because I donít think any of his actions are intentional.
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Old 4th February 2019, 7:46 PM   #37
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He isn't a lazy man, so I would possibly not fight the shopping issue - I'd simply give a bit more direction. Instead writing noodles on the list, write Xbrand 2 min chicken noodles. Or 5 egg tomatoes. Or 12 free range eggs. Be specific.

It's interesting that he doesn't know how the kids bedtime works. Is he around often enough to be familiar with the routine?

The last two are simple to deal with - stop managing him and let him sort himself out. If he sorts himself out poorly, then he suffers consequences. And consequences are the lessons which teach us.

If he prefers to eat nachos or popcorn than reheat his dinner, then don't say a word. If his leftovers are left in the fridge, it can always be eaten the next day for your lunch or frozen. Or, if you know he's not going to reheat the leftovers, don't leave any for him.

DO NOT manage his bedtime. If he leaves his relaxation too late and you've gone to bed, then he misses out on your support. If he goes to bed too late and only gets three hours sleep, that's his problem.
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Old 4th February 2019, 7:50 PM   #38
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This is not about being a good man or a bad man. I am actually worried that he does not get enough sleep/does not eat right and I do not want to be responsible for that.
I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.
His diet and sleep patterns are NOT your responsibility. He must be allowed to make his own decisions and have his own consequences.
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Old 4th February 2019, 8:06 PM   #39
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I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.
you are his wife aren't you? do you have any kids? are you responsible for their well being?
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Old 4th February 2019, 8:54 PM   #40
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Look into Instacart for groceries. People deliver and shop for you for a small fee.

Maybe get him a smart watch? Set alarms to go off for different times?
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Old 4th February 2019, 9:29 PM   #41
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I have some insight into this one...

Pearl - I hope you read this part, because I can identify with some of what you're going through. My husband's issues aren't quite like your husband's (he's more controlled, I guess) but I see some similarities.


There's a similarity with a lot of these issues in that the guy lacks initiative. He gets through the day, does his work well, and is generally pretty intelligent. But with "little" stuff he falls down on the job. Making simple choices, doing the most basic things becomes a burden. The issue is what I like to call "background stress." It takes a certain amount of control all day long to conform to social expectations. Like, for example, not jumping when people drop things loudly, or when a truck backfires in the parking lot. It also takes energy to overcome your mind's racing thoughts and remember what you are supposed to do. I've seen my husband without his task list - he forgets things easily because he gets distracted. Everybody has just so much energy in a given day, and for people with high background stress, that energy is depleted sooner.

My husband HATES grocery shopping!!! He makes a list and does VERY well at figuring out what we need, but when he gets to the store it is tough for him. He says "there's too many colors." He has issues telling one package from another, and with people milling about in the aisles he gets stressed. He's got the list, but can't spot the items on the shelves even when they are right in front of him. He prefers to buy in huge quantities - it means he only has to go shopping once a month, or he leaves the job to the rest of us.

With the PTSD, making decisions becomes difficult for some people. There's two ways that it tends to present itself - over-controlling and indecisiveness. Your husband seems to be on the indecisive end of things. When you've been through a life-or-death situation, you can end up lacking the ability to make decisions because you are scared of doing it. For your husband, that means small stuff like making food gets dropped. Same thing with bedtime - he just doesn't want to decide because sleep is a risk, if for no other reason than the unpleasant dreams.

For my husband, it is the opposite. He sometimes micromanages as a means of damage-proofing our lives. He has lists, and then lists of his lists. Check, then recheck. Our house has a little bit of clutter, but any area that has to do with emergency preparedness or safety is *squeaky clean*. He likes to have fun and is much more relaxed than years ago, but the past is always there. And like your husband, he has terrible insomnia. He tries to go to bed with us, but he doesn't fall asleep easily, and he has nightmares. Then he's up checking the kids, feeding the babies, and patrolling the house...check and recheck. Then he'll go to his office and do paperwork at 3am

With a partner who has trauma issues, the best advice I can give is to be patient. When he's willing, talk about it. I've known my husband for more than half my life even though we've been married for a year. Sometimes he talks, sometimes he doesn't. I just have to deal with that. The best thing about him (and I think, about your guy also) is that he's kind. He cares and does his best. That's what matters most. If the little things get dropped, I pick up where I can. He's there to help me with my issues too. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.
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Old 4th February 2019, 9:50 PM   #42
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This is not about being a good man or a bad man. I am actually worried that he does not get enough sleep/does not eat right and I do not want to be responsible for that.
I end up in a role where I am responsible for his wellbeing and I do not want this to happen.
Have him set his timer or reminder on his phone. Same time every night.

Let the phone remind him.

He needs help with codependency issues. He shouldn’t need to rely on you so intensely for basic things.

He needs to learn to think independently of you... think and learn for himself.

He will make errors as he learns - and that’s actually what will teach him fastest. I learn more from my errors rather than what I’ve done correctly.

Don’t fix things for him when he gets things wrong - that troubleshooting he will learn from as well.

If he hasn’t heated the food in the microwave - don’t heat it for him. IF he’s hungry enough he will do it himself. If not he goes hungry.
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Old 5th February 2019, 12:26 AM   #43
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If he truly does have PTSD, I strongly suggest finding a therapist who believes in CBD as a treatment for it. My psychiatrist recommends it to all his combat vets, and has a very good track record.

I take it for that, and other reasons; there are hundreds of vendors out there. I went through several before I found one that was the best bang for the buck (it's pricey stuff). I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to name my source here, but it runs me about $100 a month. They often have a buy one, get one deal, so I stock up when they do.

Best of luck!
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:34 AM   #44
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I think it's possible that everything you said in your first post could be related to the PTSD. You don't know how he feels or what triggers him. He may be experiencing anxiety at when he is alone at the grocery store. That would make it difficult for him to concentrate or make decisions. Same when he is at home without you, perhaps just your presence calms him and makes him feel more secure. He has stress around going to bed and falling asleep so it's pretty clear that the bedtime stuff is PTSD related. A service dog or emotional support animal might help him. Also you may want to seek out a support group for yourself regarding helping a loved one with PTSD while still taking care of yourself. And lastly nobody thinks someone with PTSD or other mental health issues is crazy.
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Old 5th February 2019, 5:23 AM   #45
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It's interesting that he doesn't know how the kids bedtime works. Is he around often enough to be familiar with the routine?
Often he isnít around when it is bed time (he travels a lot and often works till late) but he knows exactly well howthe kids bedtime works. He just keeps asking me the same stupid questions again and again. About food, about bedtime, about the brushing their teeth. Really stupid questions.
For example he knows that it is no problem for me when they are in bed ten minutes later.

So I went to the movies with a friend. I never switch out the cell phone because it stresses him when he cannot reach me but hopedhe would not phoneme unless the house was on fire. Cellphone rang, it was him having a question about bedtime. If it was okay if they are in bed ten minutes later...
Another time when he was asking that question I tried to challenge him. Our conversation went like this:
Pearl: You want to know if it is okay. Well, what do you think?
PearlĎs Husband: I do not think much
P: Was ist okay last time?
H: Yes
P: Was it okay the time before?
H: Yes
P: Will it be okay now? Whatís your opinion?
H: I do not have an opinion about that
P: But if I forced you to answer what would you say
H: That it is okay as long as it is only ten or fifteen minutes
P: Then why do you call if you already know that?
H: Okay. I wonít call anymore. I am sorry. I understand what you are trying to tell me. I wonít call anymore. I am sorry that I am asking stupid questions. I will stop

But that wasnít the last time he asked the very same question.
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