Feeling Overwhelmed

[TheRainbow]

I'm almost twenty-two weeks pregnant. I had my fair share of early pregnancy discomfort, with joint pain that would leave me crippled. It has gotten better, and I have more good days than not. I'm doing better in therapy and making good progress through self-reflection. It's been emotionally daunting dealing with the good, bad and ugly. It's my battle to fight, but this past week or two I've just been feeling a new low. I've been feeling really sad. It's not at anything in particular, and I can still get up and function, but I feel like it's forced, and any down time I get I just want to sleep.

 

I haven't told my husband about how I feel. I don't want him to worry. He's dealing with his own **** as reconciling and us moving back in together the next month or two, with holidays, birthdays, our anniversary and the new baby is approaching quickly, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am going to mention it today when I see my counsellor, but I could use some advice on how to navigate all these feelings. I want to be able to talk to my husband about it, but I don't want to feel needy or have him drop everything for me.

Edited November 5, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BMI03]

I'm almost twenty-two weeks pregnant. I had my fair share of early pregnancy discomfort, with joint pain that would leave me crippled. It has gotten better, and I have more good days than not. I'm doing better in therapy and making good progress through self-reflection. It's been emotionally daunting dealing with the good, bad and ugly. It's my battle to fight, but this past week or two I've just been feeling a new low. I've been feeling really sad. It's not at anything in particular, and I can still get up and function, but I feel like it's forced, and any down time I get I just want to sleep.

 

I haven't told my husband about how I feel. I don't want him to worry. He's dealing with his own **** as reconciling and us moving back in together the next month or two, with holidays, birthdays, our anniversary and the new baby is approaching quickly, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I am going to mention it today when I see my counsellor, but I could use some advice on how to navigate all these feelings. I want to be able to talk to my husband about it, but I don't want to feel needy or have him drop everything for me.

 

Tell him. Get over that need to be in control and not wanting to feel needy. Supporting, and dropping what he needs to, is his job. My wife does this to me...shoulders a bunch of things on her own without sharing how it's making her feel, or how she is doing mentally and emotionally with handling it all. She hates to feel needy, and hates asking for help.

 

Then, once her shoulders give out, it all comes crashing down, whether the items she is managing drop, or her anger level boils over and it comes out in other ways I pay the price for. All, with little advance warning, all in the spirit of her initial feelings of not wanting to bother me.

 

Acting that way is not a partnership. Do yourself, and your partner a favor, and include each other in the battles you take on and face. It's not a solo adventure.

[JuneL]

Do you have close female friends for emotional support? Does your mother come help you out during your pregnancy? Can you share with her? Does she know about your affairs and stuff?

[TheRainbow]

Do you have close female friends for emotional support? Does your mother come help you out during your pregnancy? Can you share with her? Does she know about your affairs and stuff?

 

My mother does know about my affair, at least the one with my boss. The others one, no. I told her about how I was feeling and what is going on with my life now. She told me I should tell my husband how I felt instead of stuffing it inside. Because she said from my prior history, I end up doing something stupid.

[Mr. Lucky]

My mother does know about my affair, at least the one with my boss. The others one, no. I told her about how I was feeling and what is going on with my life now. She told me I should tell my husband how I felt instead of stuffing it inside. Because she said from my prior history, I end up doing something stupid.

 

To me, what you're feeling is outside of the scope of issues dealing with your affair.

 

Once disclosed, your H had a choice in regards to your infidelity - he could bail or he could be in. With your pregnancy, in means all in.

 

Tell him what your feeling and what's going on. As you found out before, hiding things doesn't make for a good marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TheRainbow]

I'm going to talk to him about it. It is what married couples do. I just hadn't had a normal marriage, so no time like the present. I do want his support and I do want his emotional support. I hope this sadness and "low" feeling will fade soon. Especially when there is a high chance I could get post-partum depression with this pregnancy since I had gotten it really bad with my first. I was lucky with my second, that besides a week or two of the baby blues I have been okay.

[BMI03]

I'm going to talk to him about it. It is what married couples do. I just hadn't had a normal marriage, so no time like the present. I do want his support and I do want his emotional support. I hope this sadness and "low" feeling will fade soon. Especially when there is a high chance I could get post-partum depression with this pregnancy since I had gotten it really bad with my first. I was lucky with my second, that besides a week or two of the baby blues I have been okay.

 

Great idea! I know talking about depression openly can be a difficult thing. However I think it is important you also let your husband know that you are open to talking about it and not being defensive about it. It will be him that likely has the best first hand visibility after the birth as to whether or not you are showing signs of it, and you want him to voice this if he sees it. Make sure you are sharing with him and that he knows it's safe for him to do so.

 

good luck!

[TheRainbow]

After my session, I told him how I had been feeling. He got a little concerned and started to talk about things I should try. He was being thoughtful, but it did become a little overbearing near the end of the conversation. After he mentioned maybe I should reconsider going back to work when the baby is born since this was similar to how I was just before I gave birth to my oldest daughter, where I had undiagnosed PPD for nearly a year. I ended up telling him what I appreciated his support, but all I needed was to be heard and that I appreciated him thinking of me. That it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulder. I agreed to let him know if I start feeling worse and then if need be we can discuss how to handle depression when it comes.

 

As for staying home with the baby. I love being a mother, but I also love working. At eight weeks I will be going back to work full time because I honestly feel empowered when I work. This had been something my husband wished was different. He wanted to be a stay at home mother while our daughters were young. But I told him I needed to be around people, that I needed to feel like I contributed to something. I know he's harbouring some fear that I'll stray. I know my multiple affairs began when I was working, but I also felt depressed when not working. I almost feel guilty for wanting to work for so many reasons, but it's just something for my mental health I need to do.

 

I have been thinking about a compromise. The position I have now working only three days a week will remain open, but it would take longer to get a raise, and a promotion would be harder if I remain. But it'd mean I'd be home with my two youngest more often, yet I'd still get to work. There are so many factors.

[BaileyB]

After my session, I told him how I had been feeling. He got a little concerned and started to talk about things I should try. He was being thoughtful, but it did become a little overbearing near the end of the conversation. After he mentioned maybe I should reconsider going back to work when the baby is born since this was similar to how I was just before I gave birth to my oldest daughter, where I had undiagnosed PPD for nearly a year. I ended up telling him what I appreciated his support, but all I needed was to be heard and that I appreciated him thinking of me. That it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulder. I agreed to let him know if I start feeling worse and then if need be we can discuss how to handle depression when it comes.

 

As for staying home with the baby. I love being a mother, but I also love working. At eight weeks I will be going back to work full time because I honestly feel empowered when I work. This had been something my husband wished was different. He wanted to be a stay at home mother while our daughters were young. But I told him I needed to be around people, that I needed to feel like I contributed to something. I know he's harbouring some fear that I'll stray. I know my multiple affairs began when I was working, but I also felt depressed when not working. I almost feel guilty for wanting to work for so many reasons, but it's just something for my mental health I need to do.

 

I have been thinking about a compromise. The position I have now working only three days a week will remain open, but it would take longer to get a raise, and a promotion would be harder if I remain. But it'd mean I'd be home with my two youngest more often, yet I'd still get to work. There are so many factors.

 

Your current position sounds perfect! It is a good balance - raises and promotions are not everything. Balance when you have a young family is important. You can't do it all, all the time. There will be time when your children are older to focus on your career. I wouldn't change a thing.

 

OP, have you considered that your current mood is simply a reflection of the emotional roller coaster you have been on this past year. I mean, really, consider all that has happened. You are in the process of reconciling and the drama is finally settling down... I think your mind and your body, which have likely been running on adrenaline for much of the year, are saying "enough."

 

It's time to respect your body and take some time to rest. You are pregnant, hormonal, raising two children including a baby, the seasons are changing, and you must be emotionally exhausted. I would ask you - how is it possible that you would think that you would not be exhausted and emotional with all that you have/are continuing to deal with... Be kind to yourself. Take care.

[BettyDraper]

After my session, I told him how I had been feeling. He got a little concerned and started to talk about things I should try. He was being thoughtful, but it did become a little overbearing near the end of the conversation. After he mentioned maybe I should reconsider going back to work when the baby is born since this was similar to how I was just before I gave birth to my oldest daughter, where I had undiagnosed PPD for nearly a year. I ended up telling him what I appreciated his support, but all I needed was to be heard and that I appreciated him thinking of me. That it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulder. I agreed to let him know if I start feeling worse and then if need be we can discuss how to handle depression when it comes.

 

As for staying home with the baby. I love being a mother, but I also love working. At eight weeks I will be going back to work full time because I honestly feel empowered when I work. This had been something my husband wished was different. He wanted to be a stay at home mother while our daughters were young. But I told him I needed to be around people, that I needed to feel like I contributed to something. I know he's harbouring some fear that I'll stray. I know my multiple affairs began when I was working, but I also felt depressed when not working. I almost feel guilty for wanting to work for so many reasons, but it's just something for my mental health I need to do.

 

I have been thinking about a compromise. The position I have now working only three days a week will remain open, but it would take longer to get a raise, and a promotion would be harder if I remain. But it'd mean I'd be home with my two youngest more often, yet I'd still get to work. There are so many factors.

 

I like the compromise. It's perfect because you will still be working but you will also be showing your husband that you care about his needs as well. At this point, your husband's emotional and practical needs supersede yours because of all the damage you have done to your marriage. A spouse who has behaved in very unacceptable ways owes the other spouse for staying and putting up with them. I guess you will need to decide if your career is more important than your marriage. I wouldn't have this viewpoint if your affairs did not occur at work. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a working wife and mother but you are in a unique situation.

 

Please don't feel like I'm judging you because I'm saying this as a wife who has also done terrible things to her husband. I didn't cheat but there is something else that I'm too ashamed to share with anyone. I tried to tell a friend but she was so cruel to me that I refuse to open up to anyone else.

 

If you have severe PPD, I'm not sure if being at work would be beneficial for you and your employers anyway.

[JuneL]

After my session, I told him how I had been feeling. He got a little concerned and started to talk about things I should try. He was being thoughtful, but it did become a little overbearing near the end of the conversation. After he mentioned maybe I should reconsider going back to work when the baby is born since this was similar to how I was just before I gave birth to my oldest daughter, where I had undiagnosed PPD for nearly a year. I ended up telling him what I appreciated his support, but all I needed was to be heard and that I appreciated him thinking of me. That it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulder. I agreed to let him know if I start feeling worse and then if need be we can discuss how to handle depression when it comes.

 

 

Do you have girlfriends to share and provide emotional support? Guys tend to want to find a solution, instead of just hearing about your emotional issues.

 

I got the impression you don't really have close girlfriends. Do you think it might have contributed to your affairs, as you tend to get too close to other males instead?

[TheRainbow]

Your current position sounds perfect! It is a good balance - raises and promotions are not everything. Balance when you have a young family is important. You can't do it all, all the time. There will be time when your children are older to focus on your career. I wouldn't change a thing.

 

OP, have you considered that your current mood is simply a reflection of the emotional roller coaster you have been on this past year. I mean, really, consider all that has happened. You are in the process of reconciling and the drama is finally settling down... I think your mind and your body, which have likely been running on adrenaline for much of the year, are saying "enough."

 

It's time to respect your body and take some time to rest. You are pregnant, hormonal, raising two children including a baby, the seasons are changing, and you must be emotionally exhausted. I would ask you - how is it possible that you would think that you would not be exhausted and emotional with all that you have/are continuing to deal with... Be kind to yourself. Take care.

 

 

My counsellor and I both think that could be a contributing factor. Usually the day after a counselling session, I feel so many emotions. I have purposely booked them on Mondays so I'd have all day Tuesday to reflect. I do have SAA meetings on Thursdays which aren't as emotionally draining, but more as a relief to talk to people who deal with the same poor boundaries as I do.

 

i have until June (I have the baby around March, then get 8 weeks off) to decide if I want to go back. I have had other people ask me if it's really worth going back. Daycare will be expensive. For two kids in daycare full time will eat up 65% of what I'd be making, and working three days a week on drop in for two children would be 70 to 75% of what I'm making. But I think for my mental health, from the long-term perspective it's something I need. I also have people saying I should be lucky to have the chance to be a stay at home mother. The backlash is real.

[TheRainbow]

Do you have girlfriends to share and provide emotional support? Guys tend to want to find a solution, instead of just hearing about your emotional issues.

 

I got the impression you don't really have close girlfriends. Do you think it might have contributed to your affairs, as you tend to get too close to other males instead?

 

I have friends who live back to where we moved from. We talk on Facebook but I don't really have any local friends. I have befriended two other women, at least through texting outside of meetings who I text once in a while. One who has been in recovery for twenty years.

 

If I look at my history, I do connect better emotionally with women. I do find work a lot more enjoyable now that my immediate boss is a woman. I have poor boundaries and poor experiences with men, so I do tend to form inappropriate relationships with men, which is why I'm avoiding working with men until I'm healthy enough to form personal boundaries, gain some self-respect and learn to stand up myself, that I don't owe anyone anything.

[TheRainbow]

I like the compromise. It's perfect because you will still be working but you will also be showing your husband that you care about his needs as well. At this point, your husband's emotional and practical needs supersede yours because of all the damage you have done to your marriage. A spouse who has behaved in very unacceptable ways owes the other spouse for staying and putting up with them. I guess you will need to decide if your career is more important than your marriage. I wouldn't have this viewpoint if your affairs did not occur at work. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a working wife and mother but you are in a unique situation.

 

Please don't feel like I'm judging you because I'm saying this as a wife who has also done terrible things to her husband. I didn't cheat but there is something else that I'm too ashamed to share with anyone. I tried to tell a friend but she was so cruel to me that I refuse to open up to anyone else.

 

If you have severe PPD, I'm not sure if being at work would be beneficial for you and your employers anyway.

 

I just hope I don't get PPD. With my second daughter, I didn't get PPD, but I was also working full time right up until she was six months old too. I think I contributed some of my depression to being bored. I like being around people, keep busy. Heck on my days off, I go to my husband's condo and clean, along with keeping my own place clean. If I sit around too much I get extremely anxious. I really love the balance. But you're right. I do need to think of my husband's needs. This is something that we'll need to discuss before the day comes.

[JuneL]

I just hope I don't get PPD. With my second daughter, I didn't get PPD, but I was also working full time right up until she was six months old too. I think I contributed some of my depression to being bored. I like being around people, keep busy. Heck on my days off, I go to my husband's condo and clean, along with keeping my own place clean. If I sit around too much I get extremely anxious. I really love the balance. But you're right. I do need to think of my husband's needs. This is something that we'll need to discuss before the day comes.

 

Can you join some play groups and have play dates with other moms? Can you build a social network with other moms?

[TheRainbow]

Can you join some play groups and have play dates with other moms? Can you build a social network with other moms?

 

There is swimming with toddlers coming up in January. Which is perfect because it's for children ages 1 to 3, and the swimming ends around the time I give birth. It isn't strenuous and I do go swimming with the family two to three times a month.

[JuneL]

It’s going to be a lot of work taking care of a baby, a toddler, plus an older kid. That will keep you super busy already.

[TheRainbow]

It’s going to be a lot of work taking care of a baby, a toddler, plus an older kid. That will keep you super busy already.

 

I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm the more patient parent definitely

[JuneL]

I just saw from your other thread that you didn’t get your driver’s license until you met your husband. He was also the one who helped you get your high school qualification. Do you think your husband has been playing the role of your parent?

[BettyDraper]

I just saw from your other thread that you didn’t get your driver’s license until you met your husband. He was also the one who helped you get your high school qualification. Do you think your husband has been playing the role of your parent?

 

The parent/child dynamic is very common in age gap relationships.

[BaileyB]

I have had other people ask me if it's really worth going back. Daycare will be expensive. For two kids in daycare full time will eat up 65% of what I'd be making, and working three days a week on drop in for two children would be 70 to 75% of what I'm making. But I think for my mental health, from the long-term perspective it's something I need. I also have people saying I should be lucky to have the chance to be a stay at home mother. The backlash is real.

 

Anyone who has had children and paid for daycare knows that if you go back to work, unless you have a very high paying job, you don’t do it for the money.

 

You do it for your own mental health. Who cares what others think - I, like you, love my job and the people I work with... I would most definitely work part time which to be very honest, is the norm at my workplace.

 

You are lucky that you have choices!! If you want to stay home and raise your children, you are lucky to have the ability to do that! If you want to work part time, you are luck to have the option of working part time (both financially and because you have a job that would allow it). Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for wanting to work part time - it is none of their business. This is a decision for you, and your husband.

 

Now, the decision may change if you experience PPD or complications with your pregnancy. It may be better for you to stay home for a while longer with your child - but we don’t know that for sure. I don’t believe that isolating yourself at home with children who demand your constant attention is necessarily the best thing for your mental health. Getting a break, maintaining social interactions, finding time for exercise - all really important things for a person to maintain their mental health. Do what you need to do for your own wellness - it is the single best gift you can give you family. And, if you husband loves you and wants a happy, healthy mother for his children... he will support whatever decision you make.

[TheRainbow]

I just saw from your other thread that you didn’t get your driver’s license until you met your husband. He was also the one who helped you get your high school qualification. Do you think your husband has been playing the role of your parent?

 

Yes and no. It was all my choice and he was just there as a support. When we met he was driving, and he'd pick me up, and take me places. Where before I'd walk, take the bus, or occasionally have my parents pick me up, but I didn't ask often because I felt guilty. But then again I felt guilty when he would pick me up, so I eventually decided to go get my license. I did have a license permit. But I didn't have my own car until I found out I was pregnant and we got engaged.

 

As for school. It was again my choice. I guess living with someone who had a grade twelve, who treated me good, gave me the courage to want to do better. So I said I wanted to do this, signed myself up and he was there to support me. I don't think I would have finished if it wasn't for his time, patience and support. There was some nights when I sat and did homework, I would get frustrated and want to give up, but he sat there, encouraging me and telling me I could do it.

Edited November 6, 2018 by TheRainbow

[BettyDraper]

It seems like you and your husband may have different values if you insist on working while he wants you to stay home. This could end up becoming a problem in the future. I think that your husband wants you home because you will not have the opportunity to cheat with male coworkers in that situation. He thinks that it will be easier to keep tabs on you.

 

What do you think?

[kgcolonel]

One quick question....if I remember correctly, your past employment wasn’t, let’s say conducive to reconciling with your husband...I could be confuse but I think this was the case....what is your position that you’re going back to after the baby arrives?

[TheRainbow]

I really put my husband in an impossible position. I never wanted to be a stay at home mother. I told him that right from the beginning. He may have this old fashion idea of having a wife stay home and take care of the house and raise the children. I mean he got two out of the three. I do 80% of the household work, and I gave him children but I can't, won't be a stay at home mother. I'm a better mother when I'm working.

 

I also understand his position. I've quit every job, I've had because he wanted me to up until I got caught the first time, with my former boss. I refused to quit. In the end, I got fired.

 

He did help me gain employment in this city, as his friend worked here. I chose to be a personal assistant to a woman colleague. I knew that I had an issue feeling inferior to men, and I do stupid ****.

 

Originally I wanted to go back to work full time eight weeks after the baby is born. I could have worked towards a promotion, but I think for now I'll go back just part-time. He says he doesn't mind this arrangement. That I can still get to work, and I still spend this crucial time when they are small.