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At the end of my rope after 22 years but stuck


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Old 31st July 2018, 9:53 AM   #46
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I'm worried that she might take my kids and disappear to Texas with them. Do I talk to them before talking to her, let them know to dial 911 if she tries that? I'm also afraid she will take all our money and leave me unable to pay bills, do I go remove her from the joint account?

Is that really the best way to handle this, just get a lawyer and file papers? Someone else suggested not blindsiding her with that. I don;t want my kids to see their mom thrown out of the house, but I don;t see an alternative to that. I don't want this to drag out for months.
Your lawyer will advise you of the best way to protect your money. I would not talk to the children before you talk to the lawyer.
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Old 31st July 2018, 10:38 AM   #47
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Get a freaking lawyer...

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I'm worried that she might take my kids and disappear to Texas with them. Do I talk to them before talking to her, let them know to dial 911 if she tries that? I'm also afraid she will take all our money and leave me unable to pay bills, do I go remove her from the joint account?

Is that really the best way to handle this, just get a lawyer and file papers? Someone else suggested not blindsiding her with that. I don;t want my kids to see their mom thrown out of the house, but I don;t see an alternative to that. I don't want this to drag out for months.
Get a freaking lawyer... And file, that way if she takes the kids, then you can go to the court.

Listen, I understand that you are having a hard time.

I could write 100 pages to help you understand, but I won't. You need to trust us that we have lived through this.

But listen, you are being a very WEAK man about all of this, and maybe that is your nature, but NOW is the time to take charge of your life for your freaking kids...

Of the many regrets that I have, the worst is the constant worry that any long term problems that my children may have from me trying to take care of my wife and raising the kids in that household.

They and I may never understand how much damage I did to my children by keeping them in that household with a crazy woman.

I carry great guilt for this.

Let me give you a story that I have told before.

One day, my youngest (about 17 at the time) said, "Wow, today was a pretty good day, mom did not do anything crazy". I said, "Yes you are right".

Then I thought about it, and I came back and said, "Son, how F'ed up is it that we think it was a good day when mom does not go crazy that day".

That is not normal, but it became OUR normal. I will never be able to forgive myself for allowing that...
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Old 31st July 2018, 10:43 AM   #48
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One day, my youngest (about 17 at the time) said, "Wow, today was a pretty good day, mom did not do anything crazy". I said, "Yes you are right".
That's pretty sad.

OP, do take her behavior seriously and protect yourself.
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Old 31st July 2018, 11:30 AM   #49
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Definitely talk to a lawyer, so you know legally what you can do. Im pretty sure she can't be kicked out of the house at any stage. And as far as the money, I thought you said you were in charge of the money and you gave her an allowance? If you feel there is a real danger of her taking all the money so you cant pay bills, open up another account with only you on it, and put the money there. That way you can pay the bills out of that account.
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Old 31st July 2018, 12:34 PM   #50
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Im pretty sure she can't be kicked out of the house at any stage.
If you decide to buy her out of the house, she will have to leave.

Or, you can decide to sell the house and divide the assets.

But, that is a decision for another day... When you talk with your lawyer and settle your divorce. Until then, you will likely be a basement dweller...
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Old 31st July 2018, 1:21 PM   #51
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I don't know how to do it though. How do I respond when she asks me what she is supposed to do. I care for her, I don't want her to be homeless. I can't leave due to financial issues, I can't throw her out. I have no friends or family close I can stay with or that she can stay with. So what do people do in this situation? She isn't going to work to support herself, I have no doubts on that point.

How do i handle the inevitable move back to Texas because her family is there and it's cheaper for her to live argument? Not one part of me wants to go back to that place. My daughter doesn't want to leave, my son is indifferent. But kids are kids and I know they need two parents there for them, even if she can be mean at times and I want them to have that. I also worry that the court might take them away from me, she said before the courts always rule for the women and they often do.
You respond by saying that she should 1). get a job and 2). learn to live within the budget.

You said somewhere else that she has a therapist for her depression. Write to that person. While the doctor patient privilege precludes that therapist from talking to you or disclosing information to you, it does not preclude that person from listening to you or receiving information from you. So sit down & write the therapist a letter.

Dear Therapist:

I am [patient's] husband & I'm at my wit's end. She won't work. She refuses to live within our budget. She accuses me of being abusive when I won't give her more money after she spends the allocated amounts. She's not doing a good job taking care of the kids. I've done everything for her including moving our family here, taking on 3 jobs, & begging her to go to marriage counseling but she always blames me for all of the problems while taking no responsibility.

I need her to be an equal partner in their marriage or I need to get out. I write to you because she has expressed suicidal thoughts to me and claims their is a plan on her phone. Our children would be devastated if she took her own life. But I can't stay in this marriage unless she makes some real changes, including getting a job to help support our family.

Please know that divorce is probably coming & do what you need to do as her doctor to make sure she doesn't kill herself.


Sincerely,

anyoneelse.


When you talk to the lawyer that everyone is recommending you get, that person will tell you whether she can move the kids out of state. She probably can't.


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I'm worried that she might take my kids and disappear to Texas with them. Do I talk to them before talking to her, let them know to dial 911 if she tries that? I'm also afraid she will take all our money and leave me unable to pay bills, do I go remove her from the joint account?

Is that really the best way to handle this, just get a lawyer and file papers? Someone else suggested not blindsiding her with that. I don;t want my kids to see their mom thrown out of the house, but I don;t see an alternative to that. I don't want this to drag out for months.
The order is as follows:

1. Talk to the lawyer.

2. Tell your kids.

3. Pay the lawyer.

4. Find out if you can file. Most states you have to be separate & apart -- not living together for some period time, usually a year, before you can file.

5. Inform her

Best wishes
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Old 1st August 2018, 5:45 AM   #52
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Yesterday was a rough day, she texted me at work and said we needed to talk about what was going on. We hadn't talked in two days and I had been staying downstairs in the spare bedroom. When I got home form work she asked me to tell her what was going on so I did.

I told her I didn't want any of this anymore that after she told me I made her life living hell I realized this would be the rest of our lives if I didn't stop it (you guys helped me see that, I can't thank you all enough). I told her I wanted a divorce, she cried and yelled a little. Told me she couldn't believe I didn't love her. Insisted we move back to Texas, I refused and told her I would not go back. the whole thing was surprisingly civil, more so than I expected. It could all turn, anything with her has a tendency to do that. She said she knew I was leaving after the way I reacted when she said I made HER life hell. Of course she is already rewriting history, saying that isn't what she said, but I will remember her words and the look on her face when she said that, with utter conviction, for the rest of my life. she maintains her heart is broken and she loves me, I said it didn't matter that I could not live like this any more.

She tried a few more things, got angry, said things, I told her this could be amicable and kind since we had to be in each other's lives for the kids forever, or it could get nasty, but I didn't want that and the decision was on her which way it went. she insisted that the kids could choose who they live with, then cried and said she knew they would choose me. They would but I would never make them choose between us. She accused me of moving her to Colorado to leave her, I told her I had hoped she would decide to live when we got here, but she didn't.

I told her to apply for housing assistance in Colorado that it was open for a single day, which happens to be tomorrow and Friday. I'm stuck in this house for another year paying way more rent than I ever wanted, but she loved the place and rental property is very expensive here and choices are slim. She wanted me to leave and for her and the kids to stay here, I asked her how exactly she thought she was going to pay all the bills and maintain the place without me.

I still don't know exactly what to do, the pragmatic side of me wants to fill out and file divorce papers myself, we can in this state. There is no waiting periods according to my research in Colorado, you can file and be divorced in 91 days depending on court backups. She wants alimony and pointed out in this state she can have up to 40% of my income. That part is accurate and very disturbing. If they took 40% of my income I'd literally be homeless. I'd lose my home, my car, I couldn't feed the kids, I could't buy them clothes or get to work. She wants primary custody of the kids, this will likely be the sticking point because if she has primary she can take them back to Texas. I make vastly more here (literally tens of thousands of dollars) than I can there and the financials would not work for bills and our debt there even though this state is more expensive for housing.

With her spending problems and my inability to control her we have so much debt we aren't even paying now like Student Loans and IRS. She spent so much I had to get into the IRS money for years to cover bills and live (I have significant 1099 income on top of my full time job, I made well into six figures last year and we were broke all the time). I was terrible with money years and years ago when the economy was good and I made much more than I do now so some of that IRS business is certainly on me. I want to leave some of those 1099 jobs, i have wanted to for years but couldn't with her spending. I want to be there for my kids more, to have time to hike with them after work or just sit and watch TV with them. I don't have any time during the week as it is now working 14-15 hours a day.

I could realistically be forced to give her about $700 monthly on top of our bills and still be functional and not broke completely unable to even buy my kids a hamburger. My hope is that the courts won't take that much or that we can come to an agreement outside of court and we can file ourselves. Realistically if we start paying back those student loans there won't be any extra money or at least very little. she has 6 figures in loans and never finished a degree plan, mine are that much after years of being unable to afford payments and using deferrals. The upside is that this is a no fault state and she will own half that debt and can't leave it all on me.

first step is to separate our financials further I guess, remove her from the joint account and start to give her money in her account exclusively instead. I need to remove myself form her credit card in her name. Some of the charges on there are from me so I will work again to pay it off over the next few months and then it will be on her and won't hurt my credit if she doesn't pay. I will remove her from my card where she is an authorized user.

As for the filing myself, I could do that with nothing but the court fee of $230 and forms freely available online. That assumes we can come to an agreement. If I get an attorney, it will be a few months before I have the money to do that and I just want this done ASAP. She wants to talk to the kids today, I want to let them know as well so we will do that this afternoon. Thoughts?

Last edited by anyoneelse; 1st August 2018 at 5:50 AM..
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Old 1st August 2018, 7:02 AM   #53
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I think you are fooling yourself if you think she is not going to fight for every penny she can get! When the reality of the situation sets in and she is feeling the pressure of finding her own way in this world financially, you will see another side of your wife.

You would be wise to go for a free consultation with a lawyer. I think you are going to need one...
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Old 1st August 2018, 7:48 AM   #54
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Too many years hoping that the next doctor visit will be the one that brings back the woman I fell in love with.
Likewise, I spent 15 years taking my BPDer exW to weekly sessions with six different psychologists and 3 MCs. It cost me a small fortune, all to no avail. As with you, I was mistakenly convinced that my exW would take advantage of the professional guidance and learn how to manage her emotions. Sadly, all that therapy failed to make a dent in her BPD behaviors. Not one dent.

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She insisted that the kids could choose who they live with, then cried and said she knew they would choose me. They would but I would never make them choose between us.
As you know all too well, whatever she is agreeing to today can change 180 degrees in a few days. It therefore is wise to follow your lawyer's advice on how to prevent her from taking them back to Texas.

As a practical matter, however, the kids likely will live with the parent they want to live with. At the ages of 14 and 17, they are old enough to make life miserable for any parent they do not want to live with.
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Old 1st August 2018, 9:58 AM   #55
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I think you are fooling yourself if you think she is not going to fight for every penny she can get! When the reality of the situation sets in and she is feeling the pressure of finding her own way in this world financially, you will see another side of your wife.

You would be wise to go for a free consultation with a lawyer. I think you are going to need one...
So true, it all changed when she woke up this morning. She informed me she wasn't going to let me "throw her under the bus" and now she wants to specifically tell the kids this is my decision to divorce and that she doesn't want to. I begged her to not put them in the middle, but she is going to. she is insistent on her getting 60% custody of the kids, she wont say why she wants majority. i assume it to be because she wants to take them back to Texas.
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Old 1st August 2018, 10:03 AM   #56
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I think you are fooling yourself if you think she is not going to fight for every penny she can get! When the reality of the situation sets in and she is feeling the pressure of finding her own way in this world financially, you will see another side of your wife.

You would be wise to go for a free consultation with a lawyer. I think you are going to need one...
Youíre going to also need to be realistic about what the courts might award her. Youíre focused on your bills, hers will get similar weight.

You each have $100K+ in debt???

Mr. Lucky
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Old 1st August 2018, 10:04 AM   #57
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she was not like this before you married?


I see a controlled theatre
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Old 1st August 2018, 10:28 AM   #58
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So true, it all changed when she woke up this morning. She informed me she wasn't going to let me "throw her under the bus" and now she wants to specifically tell the kids this is my decision to divorce and that she doesn't want to. I begged her to not put them in the middle, but she is going to. she is insistent on her getting 60% custody of the kids, she wont say why she wants majority. i assume it to be because she wants to take them back to Texas.
I thought her tune would change when she was faced with the reality of her financial situation.

One good question for the lawyer - if she does move to Texas (which I donít think she can), would she be responsible for paying the cost to fly the kids to you for visitation. You should be entitled to shared custody.

Is your first call this morning going to be to a lawyer for a free consultation?

Donít fall for her manipulation. She is not a lawyer, ahe knows nothing about which she speaks! And, she has a vested interested in getting things to go her way... she probably thinks if she ratchets up the threats that you will back down... it seems like this strategy has worked for her before.
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Old 1st August 2018, 10:28 AM   #59
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If she has been hospitalized as much as you say...

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So true, it all changed when she woke up this morning. She informed me she wasn't going to let me "throw her under the bus" and now she wants to specifically tell the kids this is my decision to divorce and that she doesn't want to. I begged her to not put them in the middle, but she is going to. she is insistent on her getting 60% custody of the kids, she wont say why she wants majority. i assume it to be because she wants to take them back to Texas.
If she has been hospitalized as much as you say... There is no way that she will get that much custody. It is just not going to happen.

But you need to file now, because you need to get some ground rules.

As I said before, this is one time in your life where you have no choice but to be strong, for your kids and for you.

Here is another thing, she is too sick to get a job, but she has no trouble spending vast amounts of money.

Does that at all seem strange to you?????
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Old 1st August 2018, 11:22 AM   #60
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Theres way too many moving parts here for you not to get a good divorce lawyer. It might end up taking a few months longer, but in the context of this being the rest of your life you are dealing with, whats a few months if you can get a decent divorce settlement.

Find a lawyer quickl
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