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Evenings with your husband / wife


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:42 AM   #1
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Evenings with your husband / wife

My wife and I have different views on what's normal after 11 yrs together.

I'm the evenings, once kids are in bed; One of us wants to sit together (same sofa, not sitting on each other but some physical contact ). The other thinks it's normal that this kind of closeness only happens once or twice a month, and being in the same room is sufficient / more than some couples have.

So, how long have you been with your mom partner and what sort of closeness do you have in the evenings before bed?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:04 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 11AM View Post
My wife and I have different views on what's normal after 11 yrs together.

I'm the evenings, once kids are in bed; One of us wants to sit together (same sofa, not sitting on each other but some physical contact ). The other thinks it's normal that this kind of closeness only happens once or twice a month, and being in the same room is sufficient / more than some couples have.

So, how long have you been with your mom partner and what sort of closeness do you have in the evenings before bed?
I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10, and we cuddle/snuggle before bed almost every night. If I don't reach out for him then he will reach out for me. We are both very happy doing this and we are comfortable with the level of daily physical affection/ contact.
I personally don't like to compare my marriage to what might be "normal" for most couples. For example, in the United States, it might be "normal" for the average person to have weight related health problems, so just because something is within the "norm", it doesn't make it good, healthy, or better. I suggest that the two of you come to a compromise and do what feels right to you as a couple, rather than focusing on what "normal" couples do.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:24 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by xenawarriorprincess View Post
I have been with my husband for 15 years, married for 10, and we cuddle/snuggle before bed almost every night. If I don't reach out for him then he will reach out for me. We are both very happy doing this and we are comfortable with the level of daily physical affection/ contact.
I personally don't like to compare my marriage to what might be "normal" for most couples. For example, in the United States, it might be "normal" for the average person to have weight related health problems, so just because something is within the "norm", it doesn't make it good, healthy, or better. I suggest that the two of you come to a compromise and do what feels right to you as a couple, rather than focusing on what "normal" couples do.
Ah yes... 100% agree in terms of 'normal' not necessarily being good. Just trying to get a sense of what a typica evening in the living room looks like...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:37 PM   #4
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Once or twice a month? That would not be cool with me.

Now, we haven't been together for as long as you, but there is some physical contact - hugs, hand holding, snuggling that occurs every night when we are watching tv. There is also always a little cuddling in bed.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:32 PM   #5
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We don’t sit and watch TV all that often but when we do, we are usually sitting next to each other. A lot of times, though, we are working on a project on the house or one of us is actually “working”. We also play a lot of board games, cook, work outside, etc. and mostly it’s together.

Gg
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Old 2nd January 2018, 1:43 PM   #6
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Well...

Well...

We go out, we cuddle when we are out. Get home, make love.

If we don't go out, we cuddle in bed. Then we make love.

If you guys are not compatible in the area of affection (cuddling, kissing, touching) Then you need to get that way.

It will cause problems later if you do not.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:40 PM   #7
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We have no kids, but we've been living together for about 11 years. Here's what we do. We don't watch the same television shows and our computers are in separate rooms so we don't really spend the evenings together. We reserve that for during the day on Saturday when we play games or watch a movie together. In the evenings, we'll usually just stop by where the other person is and chat for a few minutes at a time. Every other evening or so, we'll really take a break from whatever else we're doing to simply snuggle and talk for ten to fifteen minutes.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:13 PM   #8
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This is fascinating stuff. Thanks for the replies to far ! Hopefully will get more, and then I'll provide some more details of our situation
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:31 PM   #9
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Most evenings, we spend part of it sitting next to each other working on our computers, or sometimes do other projects around the house. Later, we usually cuddle and watch a movie or TV show, and that often leads to sex.


Our respective kids are grown and gone, and we've been together 18 years.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:47 PM   #10
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We cuddle when my husband comes home. If we're both too busy for that, then we cuddle at when he's in bed. My husband also spoons me when I return to our bed later.

I used to withhold affection as a way of protecting myself from being hurt emotionally by my husband. Eventually, I realized that my childish refusal to forgive was only poisoning our marriage. Now I'm affectionate again.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:49 PM   #11
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Married 45 years here and the secret to our success is not spending too much time together. When we first got married we shared a couch and wanted to be together all the time but now we find it best to give each other space. I work at home so too much time together is no good. I normally stay in my office/man cave until dinner. Then afterwards we sit in the same room on different chairs and watch TV until 10 pm. Then we both retire to our own bedrooms to watch TV and go on the internet. It works for us and we are still very much in love. My wife goes out 3 nights a week to play bingo or cards with her married friends and I get to watch all the action movies I want.

Sexually we did not live as most couples do. My wife discovered that she is bisexual and we lived most of our marriage in a poly triad with her best friend. All three of us loved one another and although neither of us dated our girlfriend without the other, my wife and our girlfriend went shopping, got their hair and nails done and just talked about girl stuff during the day while I worked. This is not something most people do but it worked for us.

We learned that we are better off not trying to fit into what we are supposed to do and instead, do what works best for us. For us, giving each other their own space works best. We have little in common other than our love for each other so why force it. We both do the things we enjoy doing without the other and some things we both enjoy too. We both love our girlfriend who is in another State now but if her husband dies before her, she will come to live with us again. She too lives her life the way it works for her and her husband and is married over 30 years.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 11:20 AM   #12
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Married almost 20 years. Both work. Two kids. We have very little time together except first thing in the morning or last thing at night.

So we are inseparable at those times. We cuddle in bed every night. Unless we are fighting and even then sometimes we call a truce to cuddle before bed.

If we have time to watch TV on a week day evening, we only do that in bed cuddling. We would not waste time watching TV at that time of day, if we could not also embrace while doing it. Our now teen aged kids make fun of us for this and may even be genuinely grossed out by it but we do it anyway.

On a weekend we might watch TV sitting up in the family room but we would be on the same couch, probably holding hands and/or laying together on the couch in some half erect fashion.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 4:06 PM   #13
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First of all, thanks for sticking it out. 11 years, kids, career(s), life...they all can contribute negatively to a marriage. But not many things are more important to the mental, spiritual, and emotional health of children than growing up in a two parent home. So, don't be afraid to do what needs to be done to provide that two parent home for your kids.

To answer your question...I think it depends on what the days entail. After all, husbands and wives go through the day doing what they need to do to get done what needs to be done on their end. By 11 o'clock, one person may be completely warn out from a day's activity while his or her spouse may just be getting started. I think a loving spouse should take that into consideration before passing any kind of judgment on their better half. Maybe a good foot rub or a back massage or just being there would bring tremendous satisfaction after a long day. That may not satisfy your needs, but a good marriage focuses on giving more that receiving.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 4:14 PM   #14
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We've been together for 9 years, no kids.

We don't always have every evening together due to the nature of his job, but when we do, we spend about 80% of our evening together. On weekday evenings, we usually have dinner together (in the house or out), then either play games or watch a show together. After that, cuddling and/or sex before the SO goes to bed (I sleep much later, but always get in the bed with him). On weekend evenings, about the same thing, except we usually go out for longer and do something more than just dinner. We do sometimes stay in the same room while doing separate things, but not the majority of the time.

I would be very concerned if my partner thought we didn't need to spend any quality time together.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 5:57 PM   #15
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"normal" is such a loaded word. Compromise is in order. If one of you wants daily sofa time & the other only wants 2 days a month, the average is 16x per month. So how do you feel about every other day? At a minimum I think it has to be at least once per week.
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