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Crying over my ex.... why?


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Old 15th November 2017, 9:23 AM   #1
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Crying over my ex.... why?

My ex and I were together for 16 years. 13 of those years were mostly great and the last 3 were pretty terrible.

Fast forward, I was in a sexless marriage for a long time (although she did get sick) and I eventually cheated on her with a much younger woman. I ended up moving out right after and I've been with the younger woman for the past 5+ months. Things are mostly great with us.

My ex turned pretty crazy during this process which I don't blame her. Anyways, now she's started dating and I can't stop thinking about her. Last night I had a terrible dream about her and this morning I've literally been crying and wondering if I made a huge mistake.

Now, that we've been separated she's finally no longer sick, has lost a lot of weight (which is actually bad) and has been getting help for depression which she wouldn't do before.

I'm happy with my new g/f but the uncertainty of a future with her drives me crazy. My wife was the most loyal person I've ever met and now for some crazy ass reason I'm second guessing everything.

What the hell is wrong with me?????
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Old 15th November 2017, 9:30 AM   #2
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I don't understand. If you say your relationship with your gf is mostly great; yet you were in a sexless marriage with your ex, why would you want her back over your gf?
Why are you uncertain about a future with your gf? Have you two discussed the future?
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Old 15th November 2017, 9:31 AM   #3
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With all due respect, you didn't do what was required to have "a good end" to your relationship with your ex and you rushed right into another relationship with another woman. In other words, you have a lot of unfinished business with your ex and you have simply distracted yourself with your new girlfriend.

Think about a man after the death of his wife, who falls in love with the first woman he meets and doesn't grieve the loss of his wife. Did you actually grieve the loss of your marriage and take the time that you need to feel good about moving forward toward a different life?

If you haven't been to see a counsellor, I would suggest that you find a good counsellor and go and talk to someone. It will be hard to move forward with your life and really hard to see your wife moving forward with her life until you deal with some of these feelings. And of course, it will take a lot of time...
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:23 AM   #4
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With all due respect, you didn't do what was required to have "a good end" to your relationship with your ex and you rushed right into another relationship with another woman. In other words, you have a lot of unfinished business with your ex and you have simply distracted yourself with your new girlfriend.

Think about a man after the death of his wife, who falls in love with the first woman he meets and doesn't grieve the loss of his wife. Did you actually grieve the loss of your marriage and take the time that you need to feel good about moving forward toward a different life?

If you haven't been to see a counsellor, I would suggest that you find a good counsellor and go and talk to someone. It will be hard to move forward with your life and really hard to see your wife moving forward with her life until you deal with some of these feelings. And of course, it will take a lot of time...
It's a great point. I think because the last 3 years of our marriage was so difficult that I felt like I was single and had time to grieve the relationship when in fact I didn't. I know I didn't do things right and I have a million regrets. Not just for what I did to my family but also how I started my relationship with my new g/f.

My new g/f is AWESOME and I do love her and we have discussed the future obviously. The uncertainty is that my wife was super loyal and I never once ever thought she would ever step outside the marriage and I know she never did. I don't think my g/f would but I've only known her for about 10 months now so who the hell knows?

I had a really upsetting dream last night and thinking of my wife with another man breaks my heart. I don't even know why and I would never want to ever go back to how things were.
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Old 15th November 2017, 10:28 AM   #5
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I don't get it. Does it break your heart when you are making love to YOUR girlfriend? If my fiance heart was breaking, thinking about his X, he would not be my fiance.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:11 AM   #6
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It could be because you know your wife has not had sex with anyone other than you and now you know, very soon, this is going to change.
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Old 15th November 2017, 11:28 AM   #7
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You are also, extremely indecisive and conflict avoidant. We all learned this, during the months and months that you considered leaving your marriage... One day, you were determined to leave and the next, you were determined to make it work.

That's all well and good. theoretically, as it relates to change, this is called the contemplation stage of change. But, most people contemplate change and then move toward an action. You never really made a firm decision... You cheated and she asked you to leave. Right? To avoid the responsibility of making a decision and the conflict that would come from that decision, you did something that would encourage her to make the decision for you...

Now, you are feeling more internal conflict because your wife is moving on with her life. You are still indecisive and second guessing your "decision." You need to learn how to deal with conflict and how to make a decision and be firm in at decision. This starts with self awareness - an absolute understanding of what you want for your life and how you are going to make that happen.

You wanted the ability to be in a relationship and have sex with your hot, young girlfriend... Own that decision and understand that you don't have a say anymore in who your wife dates/has sex. That's the way it works when you leave a marriage... that door is closed to you now. It's time to deal with it and move on.
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Old 15th November 2017, 1:24 PM   #8
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It's normal to still have a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. This is why people are often advised not to date ont eh rebound, because someone going through a divorce is usually a huge mess. Even if they initiated the breakup.

It doesn't mean there's something horribly wrong with you, and it doesn't mean you should get back together with your ex. It just means you're still processing this huge change in your life.

Talk to a counsellor, you need an outlet.
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Old 15th November 2017, 1:46 PM   #9
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You are also, extremely indecisive and conflict avoidant. We all learned this, during the months and months that you considered leaving your marriage... One day, you were determined to leave and the next, you were determined to make it work.

That's all well and good. theoretically, as it relates to change, this is called the contemplation stage of change. But, most people contemplate change and then move toward an action. You never really made a firm decision... You cheated and she asked you to leave. Right? To avoid the responsibility of making a decision and the conflict that would come from that decision, you did something that would encourage her to make the decision for you...

Now, you are feeling more internal conflict because your wife is moving on with her life. You are still indecisive and second guessing your "decision." You need to learn how to deal with conflict and how to make a decision and be firm in at decision. This starts with self awareness - an absolute understanding of what you want for your life and how you are going to make that happen.

You wanted the ability to be in a relationship and have sex with your hot, young girlfriend... Own that decision and understand that you don't have a say anymore in who your wife dates/has sex. That's the way it works when you leave a marriage... that door is closed to you now. It's time to deal with it and move on.
You're 1000% correct. In business and in the majority of my life I'm not indecisive. With my marriage I totally was and I think that's normal. We had 13 MOSTLY AWESOME years together and went thru a lot. Something changed over the last 3 years and I was always hopeful it would go back to how things were.

Now, that she's moved on I'm feeling a boatload of emotions taking over me. I never for the life of me ever would have thought we would split up when we got married and even for the first 10 years of our marriage. I didn't have the balls to end the marriage so I basically made her kick me out.

When I left she begged and begged and pleaded to have me come back and every single time I chose my girlfriend over her. Even nights where she would ask to come home and watch a movie with her I would go and then run out as quickly as I could to be with my gf. It was a no-brainer that I wanted the gf over my wife 1000%.

Then, whenever I am with my gf I'm super happy and things are mostly awesome. She's smart, funny, insanely beautiful, and caring. Contact with my wife basically disappeared unless it was with regards to our son.

Then, the first guy comes along and it freaks me out. Didn't last more than a handful of dates and they never had sex or anything. Now, she's seeing someone else and it's killing me inside. I don't know if it's because I regret ending things or that I'm just not ready for her to be with another guy? I honestly don't have the answer.

When I first started dating and everyone told me to take time for myself I laughed it off and didn't understand why. I should have just slept with a few random women and had no feelings towards them. (although, I've never done that before in my life it's not who I am) Now, I think the reality has hit me that my wife is truly gone forever and I will always wonder if I made the right decision.

That said, I'm prob. the happiest I've ever been with my new g/f. UGH
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Old 15th November 2017, 1:48 PM   #10
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It's normal to still have a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. This is why people are often advised not to date ont eh rebound, because someone going through a divorce is usually a huge mess. Even if they initiated the breakup.

It doesn't mean there's something horribly wrong with you, and it doesn't mean you should get back together with your ex. It just means you're still processing this huge change in your life.

Talk to a counsellor, you need an outlet.
I was always the guy without baggage and now I'm the one carrying the most.
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:10 PM   #11
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Did you make a huge mistake in causing the end of your marriage? Yes. You still have feelings for your wife and are still feeling the guilt for what you did. You probably always will.

I think it's very normal when a long term relationship ends, and especially when kids are involved, to feel this way. There's probably part of you that is saying, "why does she want to have sex with him and didn't want to with me?" Fair question. And, I would guess that you're also starting to question the validity of your complaints about her, especially since she is being desired by other men.
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:15 PM   #12
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Did you make a huge mistake in causing the end of your marriage? Yes. You still have feelings for your wife and are still feeling the guilt for what you did. You probably always will.

I think it's very normal when a long term relationship ends, and especially when kids are involved, to feel this way. There's probably part of you that is saying, "why does she want to have sex with him and didn't want to with me?" Fair question. And, I would guess that you're also starting to question the validity of your complaints about her, especially since she is being desired by other men.
Pretty much. I'm a way better looking guy than this new guy and he is a security guard so he doesn't even have a real career. She says she hasn't had sex with him but it doesn't really matter. If it wasn't for all the rejection she gave me we never would have split in the first place.

Thinking long-term with my new g/f scares me because who knows how trust-worthy she truly is. She's had a good number of partners so who the hell knows?
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:28 PM   #13
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Pretty much. I'm a way better looking guy than this new guy and he is a security guard so he doesn't even have a real career. She says she hasn't had sex with him but it doesn't really matter. If it wasn't for all the rejection she gave me we never would have split in the first place.

Thinking long-term with my new g/f scares me because who knows how trust-worthy she truly is. She's had a good number of partners so who the hell knows?
Why are you talking about your ex-wife's sex life with her? Does your GF know this?
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:48 PM   #14
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Why are you talking about your ex-wife's sex life with her? Does your GF know this?
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries...

You made your decision. You have no say in who she dates or with whom she has sex... You shouldn't be talking about this with her.

And yes, it's a total crap shoot with the new girlfriend. But, isn't it the same for every relationship? You never would have predicted that you would be HERE when you married your wife...
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Old 15th November 2017, 2:59 PM   #15
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You need to learn how to deal with conflict and how to make a decision and be firm in at decision. This starts with self awareness - an absolute understanding of what you want for your life and how you are going to make that happen.

This is me. How do you get to this point of certainty with decisions, and see it thru? I can't be firm in decisions in my personal life. I just can't. It's as if I'm an addict and can't let go.
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