Happily married to a man, desire the touch of a woman

[ItsameMaria]

I have been happily married for 11 years. When I was a teenager I realized I was bisexual. I've had random hookups with about 4 women in my single days. This has always been a deep dark secret that not a single other human being knows about (except for those 4 women). Recently my desire to be with a woman is strong. I think of it as a desire that needs to be satiated. Do I just bury it and move on or act on my urges?

[oldlion]

The answer to that question is "what do you think your husband would think about it"?

[Satu]

I have been happily married for 11 years. When I was a teenager I realized I was bisexual. I've had random hookups with about 4 women in my single days. This has always been a deep dark secret that not a single other human being knows about (except for those 4 women). Recently my desire to be with a woman is strong. I think of it as a desire that needs to be satiated. *Do I just bury it and move on or act on my urges?

*Burying things isn't good for a person's psyche.

 

Freud, Carl Jung, and any other psychotherapist/psychoanalyst you can think of will back me up on that.

 

Whether you act on your urges or not, you still shouldn't bury them.

 

How good is your relationship with your husband?

Edited January 27, 2017 by Satu

[ItsameMaria]

*Burying things isn't good for a person's psyche.

 

Freud, Carl Jung, and any other psychotherapist/psychoanalyst you can think of will back me up on that.

 

Whether you act on your urges or not, you still shouldn't bury them.

 

How good is your relationship with your husband?

 

We have a pretty good relationship. He's neurotic and I'm a free spirit. It works lol

I would never admit my urges. Not to anyone.

[Satu]

We have a pretty good relationship. He's neurotic and I'm a free spirit. It works lol

*I would never admit my urges. Not to anyone.

 

My concern is only that that part of your nature should not be denied the right to be included in the whole of you, and loved as much as any other part.

 

“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”

 

― C.G. Jung

 

Why is it that you so strongly wish to keep it out of sight?

 

 

Take care.

[ItsameMaria]

I don't think it will be met with an open mind. It'll open up a side of me he never knew existed and it might change his view is me.

[aileD]

I don't think it will be met with an open mind. It'll open up a side of me he never knew existed and it might change his view is me.

 

Then divorce him and pursue it or accept the fact it's an urge you will never fulfill again

 

Or there's that 3rd option of talking to him sincerely and opening yourself up to your husband

[Poutrew]

It is really a simple question. Is having sex with another woman worth destroying the life you have now? Think of all the shattered lives you will create just because you want what you want. If so, then go for it and damn the torpedoes and full steam ahead. If not, then say nothing and understand that we all have dreams that go unfulfilled. Yours is no different. I wanted to be an astronaut, but it'll never happen. It's a problem I intend to discuss with God after I die, but in the meantime I will just have to content myself with my spaceship being a Toyota Camry

[bubbaganoosh]

Hate to say this but you put yourself in this situation. Before you said "I do" you should have said to him "I'm bi" and given him the choice if this is what he wanted.

 

Honestly, I always had a thing for red headed women in my younger days. Was married twice to women with brown hair. If I saw a red head I got my fantasy going..................but that's as far as it went.

 

You might be bi but that doesn't give you a get out of jail free card and you have the right to pursue it. You chose to be with your husband and if you want to do your touching and not let him know then it's all on you.

 

My advice? Take a cold shower.

[whichwayisup]

I have been happily married for 11 years. When I was a teenager I realized I was bisexual. I've had random hookups with about 4 women in my single days. This has always been a deep dark secret that not a single other human being knows about (except for those 4 women). Recently my desire to be with a woman is strong. I think of it as a desire that needs to be satiated. Do I just bury it and move on or act on my urges?

 

Cheating is cheating. If your husband had urges and acted upon them I'm sure you'd feel betrayed and hurt. Doesn't matter if it's with a man or a woman, it's going against your vows.

 

What can do is talk to your husband and tell him about your past and open up to him.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think it will be met with an open mind. It'll open up a side of me he never knew existed and it might change his view is me.

 

It probably will and rightfully so. You hid a huge part of you from him. Imagine if he came out and told he was bi or even gay!

[fireflywy]

Don't deny your nature in admitting you have them but marriage is marriage, commitment is commitment, and cheating is cheating regardless of orientation unless you as a couple decide to open things up. Of course, that could be a Pandora's box.

[oldshirt]

In my worldview, there is not a single living, breathing man alive that doesn't want to have an FMF threesome or that wouldn't at least consider it.

 

Many won't pursue it with their SO because they are afraid of what the SO will think or worry about how she will react and they don't want to do or say anything that will rock the boat, but that desire is there nonetheless.

 

If you were to approach it in a way that includes him and gives him some sort of buy-in and the ability to state his conditions and boundaries etc, he probably wouldn't have that big of an issue with it.

 

As long as he was getting something out of it as well (ie either watching, making love to you along while you and she were doing things with each other, or him even being able to do things with her as well etc etc) He may be all for it.

 

Yes, I am a swinger and have done things like this and I am ok with it personally as long as all involved parties are informed and consenting adults. But the way I see it is marital sex and the sanctity of the marital bed is whatever the married couple determines it is together as a couple and whatever agreement they reach as a married couple collaborating together.

 

If you sneak off and rub up against another woman without his foreknowledge and consent, that is adultery and cheating just as if it were with a man and he would be in his right to be devastated and to walk away.

 

But all men are a little different when it comes to their wife's bisexuality. Some couldn't care less what you do with women as long as it doesn't involve other men.

 

Some would give anything to be able to watch and for many it would be a life's dream to be able to participate.

 

And yes, some will not want their wives touching anyone else, male or female.

 

At least throw it out there and give him the option - he may go for it.

[oldshirt]

And I would also encourage you to seek assistance in exploring why you have such a deep, dark shame associated with your appreciation for women.

 

I think pretty much all women have some degree of bisexuality. Some more and some less than others, but everyone male and female appreciate the beauty, softness and sensuality of women.

 

That you want to touch and show affection and admiration for other women is not at all shocking or disgusting or shameful. It is human.

 

Even if you don't ultimately experience being with a woman again physically, it would help you very much to learn to accept and live with your attraction to women if for no other reason that there are 3.5 billion of them in the world and so you are going to be around them all the time.

[AngryGromit]

I

If you sneak off and rub up against another woman without his foreknowledge and consent, that is adultery and cheating just as if it were with a man and he would be in his right to be devastated and to walk away.

 

Interesting enough this very situation recently happened to me.

 

My Wife and I have been married for 10 years, we been having Marriage difficulties, we were going to therapy and I thought things were getting better between us, then in May 2016, she tell me she wants a separation. I told her I was very surprised, I thought things were going better, but if that what she wants to do, fine. She moved out and moved in with a female friend, after about two months living separate she tells me she made a huge mistake and wants to try to get back together again. So she moves back in and was getting a lot of drama from the friend she lived with for two months. Anyway, just week she's upset and tells me she was in sexual a relationship with her friend, even before we separated and she still loves her.

 

I've always been a lot more open minded then her, I even tried to get her into swinging at one point, we did go to a club once and had sex in the club in a group room, but no one else was involved, other then people seeing us. I'm really not the jealous type.

 

Anyway, I tell her it's fine, she can stay over her friends house a couple nights a week and our relationship can stay the same. She's much happier now, not torturing herself with guilt. The sex on the nights she's home has been fantastic, and more often. Not sure if that will last, but so far things have been much better between us. It's only been a week, but I do have concerns about the long term vitality of this arrangement.

 

As for the 3some thing, I'm not the least bit attracted to her friend, I'm certainly of the opinion she could have done better, but for my Wife it's more of a emotional attachment, her friend understands her in way I apparently can not. Still the appeal of having a Wife AND girlfriend hold some appeal to me. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself, best just to sit back and see how things develop. As for my concerns for the future, her friend hasn't paid her mortgage in years, it's only a matter of time before they evict her, might be another year, but eventually something got to give. On top of that she's been having health issues that may eventually prevent her from working. I certainly do not want to be picking up the tab for supporting her girlfriend, at least not without significant concessions from both of them.

Edited January 27, 2017 by AngryGromit

[introverted1]

Cheating is cheating.

 

Changing the "flavor" of what you want to cheat with doesn't change it. You're a woman married to a man who "desires the touch" or a woman. Perhaps your husband also "desires the touch" of something you are not -- whether that is a different gender, body shape, hair color, or whatever. Would you be able to accept his desires?

[elaine567]

Interesting enough this very situation recently happened to me.

 

My Wife and I have been married for 10 years, we been having Marriage difficulties, we were going to therapy and I thought things were getting better between us, then in May 2016, she tell me she wants a separation. I told her I was very surprised, I thought things were going better, but if that what she wants to do, fine. She moved out and moved in with a female friend, after about two months living separate she tells me she made a huge mistake and wants to try to get back together again. So she moves back in and was getting a lot of drama from the friend she lived with for two months. Anyway, just week she's upset and tells me she was in sexual a relationship with her friend, even before we separated and she still loves her.

 

I've always been a lot more open minded then her, I even tried to get her into swinging at one point, we did go to a club once and had sex in the club in a group room, but no one else was involved, other then people seeing us. I'm really not the jealous type.

 

Anyway, I tell her it's fine, she can stay over her friends house a couple nights a week and our relationship can stay the same. She's much happier now, not torturing herself with guilt. The sex on the nights she's home has been fantastic, and more often. Not sure if that will last, but so far things have been much better between us. It's only been a week, but I do have concerns about the long term vitality of this arrangement.

 

As for the 3some thing, I'm not the least bit attracted to her friend, I'm certainly of the opinion she could have done better, but for my Wife it's more of a emotional attachment, her friend understands her in way I apparently can not. Still the appeal of having a Wife AND girlfriend hold some appeal to me. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself, best just to sit back and see how things develop. As for my concerns for the future, her friend hasn't paid her mortgage in years, it's only a matter of time before they evict her, might be another year, but eventually something got to give. On top of that she's been having health issues that may eventually prevent her from working. I certainly do not want to be picking up the tab for supporting her girlfriend, at least not without significant concessions from both of them.

 

Your wife is cake eating, she gets to be with the women she loves whilst maintaining her marital status with you. I guess you would not allow this if her "love" was for another man.

I would guess your chance of a threesome here is nil.

Virtually no woman would suggest having a threesome with her husbands OW or very few men would suggest having a threesome with his wife's OM.

I am really not sure why many men see their wife' relationship with another woman would lead to a threesome with him.

Just because she is Lesbian or bisexual does not mean that she is into threesomes. The threesomes she may be into maybe wouldn't involve a man at all....

[ItsameMaria]

I see this as something my husband just cant satisfy. He'll never be able to fill that void. If my husband wanted to be with a man I wouldn't be jealous since he craves something I'm not able to give him. It's just a raw sexual urge. Nothing more.

Edited January 28, 2017 by ItsameMaria

[whichwayisup]

I see this as something my husband just cant satisfy. He'll never be able to fill that void. If my husband wanted to be with a man I wouldn't be jealous since he craves something I'm not able to give him. It's just a raw sexual urge. Nothing more.

 

But I'm guessing you would feel differently if he had the urge to bang other women? Or would you be totally fine with him leaving for a weekend and having sex with women? Let's say you weren't giving enough to him so felt the need for different sex with others (female).

 

Cheating is cheating.

[AngryGromit]

Your wife is cake eating, she gets to be with the women she loves whilst maintaining her marital status with you. I guess you would not allow this if her "love" was for another man.

 

Your assessment is correct, if it were with another man, my reaction would have been different. Perhaps I'm a fool for allowing them, but I'm also married to her financially, a divorce now would spell financial ruin for me. We were planning on selling the house in the Spring, after I'm clear of that obligation, my options will be less restricted.

 

I am really not sure why many men see their wife' relationship with another woman would lead to a threesome with him.

 

I blame the porn industry. A guy can dream can't he? And besides I will not mention it till after other financial obligations are settled.

[Mrin]

I see this as something my husband just cant satisfy. He'll never be able to fill that void. If my husband wanted to be with a man I wouldn't be jealous since he craves something I'm not able to give him. It's just a raw sexual urge. Nothing more.

 

This is why I often advocate caution to my friends when they consider getting into a relationship with a bisexual woman. Not blaming you OP. Just saying that you need to have a different foundation than the norm if you are going to be in a long term relationship with a bi person.

[anika99]

I see this as something my husband just cant satisfy. He'll never be able to fill that void. If my husband wanted to be with a man I wouldn't be jealous since he craves something I'm not able to give him. It's just a raw sexual urge. Nothing more.

 

Well most people have urges for variety and new, especially men. If your husband said he has a deep desire to have intimate encounters with new women would you be understanding of that, since that's a need you can't personally meet?

 

Faithfulness and monogamy is a choice and to be successful at it one has to sometimes deny their raw sexual urges. You have to decide what you want to do here and then move forward with your integrity intact. If you feel like you simply cannot go through life without experiencing more sexual encounters with women then you have to open up to your husband about that. Then the two of you can decide together how your sexuality fits into the marriage. If he outright forbids you to have sex outside the marriage and you don't think that is something you can abide by then you should really consider divorce. It's heartless and cruel to cheat on someone. The lies and dishonesty it takes to cheat is disrespectful to the marriage, the spouse and ultimately to the cheater as well. Sometimes being honest and authentic is painful in the moment but still leads to the best outcome.

[ItsameMaria]

If my husband wanted to be with other women then it's something I'm not giving him. If he wanted to be with a man I wouldn't mind since that's something I can't satisfy for him. I'm not looking for variety of the same thing.

[elaine567]

If he wanted to be with a man I wouldn't mind since that's something I can't satisfy for him. I'm not looking for variety of the same thing.

 

You are trying to twist the "monogamy" that you agreed to when you took your vows, to suit your own agenda.

YOU may think it would be fine if your husband took a male lover as YOU want a female lover, but you probably know that that is unlikely that your husband would be out "cruising" for men, so it is all very easy to say.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Maria, it's pretty simple. You talk to your husband and see what he has to say. If he is agreeable as AngryGromit was with his wife you will have the best of both worlds. If not then you have a difficult choice ahead of you. Either divorce and be free to pursue your choices without fear or do not divorce but for ever forego your desires for lesbian relationships. I just don't understand why this matter was not discussed by you when getting married to your husband. Had it been cleared then, then maybe you would have had the freedom to pursue your bi tendencies without any restrictions. If your to be husband(at that time) had reservations then you could have walked away from him and found someone else who would accommodate your kink. I guess there are plenty of men out there who would not mind and in fact may enjoy watching you with another woman. The problem is of your own making but the solution does not lie in seeing another woman in a clandestine manner. That would be cheating and would entail all the repercussions that cheating would involve with a man. Just the way I see it. Warm wishes.