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Married but In Love With Ex Boyfriend


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Old 25th October 2016, 4:16 PM   #1
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Married but In Love With Ex Boyfriend

I am in need of someone to slap me silly and put me in my place. Short version - When I was 19, I met an older man and fell deeply in love. Needless to say we had a very romantic life together until it imploded fairly rapidly with dishonesty (cheating) on his part. Off and on for nearly 13 years, I got back with and then we broke up again, the last time due to his cheating with the first person he cheated on with me. 8 years ago, I decided that even though I still loved him I would never be able to escape the cycle of being with him and so I quit my job, packed up all my stuff, and drove across the country to live with my mother til I could figure things out.
Four years ago, I met an old childhood sweetheart. He was everything I wanted in a husband—honest, loyal, attentive, funny, and handsome to boot. We fell in love and were married in 2014 despite my ex’s intrusions wanting to get back with me I decided to continue with the marriage. We had a son last year together and he is still a great husband and father—even though I don’t feel that “passion” that I had with my ex and we have blow out fights a lot. I still love him very much.

That said – I still can’t quite seem to get rid of the thoughts of my ex. He has broken up with the woman he cheated on me with, told me it was a huge mistake, says he’s been celibate for nearly 2 years and has traveled and did some “soul searching” and realized I was the one who got away. He still loves me and honestly I still love him too. I hate even admitting that but it's true. But I also realize that our past is the past and now I have a son and a good man for a husband. I would never cheat on him but I can’t quit thinking of my ex and all the things I miss about him.
Please someone give me some advice to get my ex out of my head for good – so I can focus on my marriage and family.
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Old 25th October 2016, 4:21 PM   #2
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You had 13 years to make it work with the ex. That's more than enough. It DIDN'T work then, and it won't work now.

Put your energy into getting the spark back with your husband. The grass is greenest where you water it.
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Old 25th October 2016, 4:25 PM   #3
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You start by blocking all methods he may use to contact you. Block him on your phone for both text and calls. Don't be friends on social media. Thing is, he's been undermining your new relationship from the very beginning and you've been allowing it.

Recognise him for the piece of dirt he is. This guy is all about what's best for him. And be clear, love can't exist without respect. And he certainly doesn't respect the fact that you chose to be with a better man and should be focusing on him and your child.
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Old 25th October 2016, 4:38 PM   #4
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If you don't know how to end it, try this for size:

"I've been thinking about how I want my future to look and I've realised that you don't have a place in it. I'm moving on without you"
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Old 25th October 2016, 4:41 PM   #5
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If you are already detaching from your husband that means your correspondences with the OM have been ongoing and intense and you are in an emotional affair with him. I do not understand why you would give credence and emotional energy to a man who is willing to tear apart a family to get what he wants.

Block him from contacting you every way you can. You are not in love with him...he's just got you bumfuddled and turned sideways. Once you stop the silliness you will come out of the fog and your love and attraction to your husband will return.

You should also come clean to your husband and tell him what has been going on. There is no way he has not noticed your detachment. You owe him the truth. Start acting like a married woman. You have a responsibility to your husband and child to be on board 100%, not chasing around a fool.
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Old 25th October 2016, 4:48 PM   #6
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I am not sure what to do. I have the same issue with a college gf and its been 22 yrs since we broke up. I can't get her out of my thoughts, she pops up in my dreams, etc. I have a good wife and 2 great kids.


We don't have any contact tho.
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Old 25th October 2016, 5:02 PM   #7
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The only way to stop this from turning into a train wreck is to just completely cut him off. Do not communicate with him in any form. Focus on your husband and your child.

It's hard to walk away from a toxic relationship. You'd think it wouldn't be, but it is. The relationship tends to be very intense and yours happened to be at a time when you were growing and figuring out who you were as a woman. I've found that this kind of intensity burns hot and takes a long time to fade.

You will get over it. Just keep reminding yourself that he is a lying cheat and he'll always be that to you. It doesn't matter how many years he goes being celibate (which btw does not mean he won't cheat again, it might just mean that no one wants to date an old man who has cheated multiple times), that is not what his relationship was with you. With you, he was a cheat. Not just a one time cheat either, a repeat offender.

One thing I did for myself was to make a list of all the horrible things my ex did to me to remind me of why I should never entertain the thought of a relationship with him again. Every once in awhile I read it again, especially when he starts making comments that make me think he wants me to take him back. It's an instant reminder of why I kicked him out and why I will never take him back. More and more I find myself not even thinking about him anymore. I never thought that would happen, but it is and it should with you too.

Essentially you need to slap your own self silly. No one can make you stop thinking about him but you.
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Old 25th October 2016, 5:09 PM   #8
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First thing to do. Stop talking with the ex.
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Old 25th October 2016, 10:14 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heaven77 View Post
He has broken up with the woman he cheated on me with, told me it was a huge mistake, says he’s been celibate for nearly 2 years and has traveled and did some “soul searching” and realized I was the one who got away. He still loves me and honestly I still love him too.
This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you.

Go back and reread your description of your relationship with this prize. Drama and breakups, instability and infidelity. That's the life you miss? What do you think would be the predictable outcome were you to leave your marriage for this loser?

Take the time and energy you're putting into communicating with him (let me guess - behind your husband's back) and sink it into IC. You need to understand why you'd consider such an obviously self-destructive path...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 25th October 2016, 11:05 PM   #10
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What exactly is it that you are still so hooked on of your ex? Your current husband seems to have it all, if what you described is accurate why would you need more? What is about your ex that you find irresistible?
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Old 25th October 2016, 11:49 PM   #11
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Passion wanes in a marriage, that happens to most wveryoneZ. Especially after having kids. It ebbs and flows. That's normal!!! Normal.

Ou have a normal marriage with a great guy and father and you want to throw it away for .....what?

Passion riddled with infidelity, lies and drama and 13 years of not making it work?

You have a fantasy. Your reality is much better. Don't **** it up.

Read some stories here and see how horrible your life will be if you get involved in an affair

You don't really want him. You want the romantic notion of him.

And that's not real

What is real is your decent husband and baby.
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Old 28th October 2016, 2:00 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heaven77 View Post
I am in need of someone to slap me silly and put me in my place. Short version - When I was 19, I met an older man and fell deeply in love. Needless to say we had a very romantic life together until it imploded fairly rapidly with dishonesty (cheating) on his part. Off and on for nearly 13 years, I got back with and then we broke up again, the last time due to his cheating with the first person he cheated on with me. 8 years ago, I decided that even though I still loved him I would never be able to escape the cycle of being with him and so I quit my job, packed up all my stuff, and drove across the country to live with my mother til I could figure things out.
Four years ago, I met an old childhood sweetheart. He was everything I wanted in a husband—honest, loyal, attentive, funny, and handsome to boot. We fell in love and were married in 2014 despite my ex’s intrusions wanting to get back with me I decided to continue with the marriage. We had a son last year together and he is still a great husband and father—even though I don’t feel that “passion” that I had with my ex and we have blow out fights a lot. I still love him very much.

That said – I still can’t quite seem to get rid of the thoughts of my ex. He has broken up with the woman he cheated on me with, told me it was a huge mistake, says he’s been celibate for nearly 2 years and has traveled and did some “soul searching” and realized I was the one who got away. He still loves me and honestly I still love him too. I hate even admitting that but it's true. But I also realize that our past is the past and now I have a son and a good man for a husband. I would never cheat on him but I can’t quit thinking of my ex and all the things I miss about him.
Please someone give me some advice to get my ex out of my head for good – so I can focus on my marriage and family.
You gotta leave your good husband and go back to the cheating ex. Afterall he is 'sorry.' You can enjoy the feelings your ex will give you until he finds someone he likes better and cheats again.
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Old 28th October 2016, 2:22 PM   #13
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Have you told your husband that you need more drama?

More highs and lows?

Heaven and hell?

Be unable to choose between you and another woman?

Let you down when you really need him not to?

Maybe he could meet those needs for you, when he's not busy being a good husband and father.

Sorry for the sarcasm; I just couldn't keep it in.


Take care.
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Old 30th October 2016, 8:43 AM   #14
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Lady, I've got to hand it to you! While the majority of women in your place would be thanking the Almighty for having saved them from a future of pain and tears by giving you a good husband and a stable life, you are pining for a man who has proven himself to be a liar and a cheat and has done so repeatedly for thirteen years. After thirteen years you made a sensible decision to move away from the scene of your heartbreak and tears so that you could start afresh. After all the good and positive things that have happened following your decision like finding a good man who does'nt lie to you, cheat on you, provides a stable home atmosphere for you and has fathered a child with you, you still want to throw it all away and go back to sitting on a powder keg of dynamite?

Do your husband a BIG favour. Tell him you are not happy to have this kind of stability in your life and want to go back to being treated like a piece of toilet paper to be used and discarded at will by your cheating beau. Then ask him for a divorce and let him be free to choose a good woman who will only root for him and no one else. Maybe if you continue like this a bit longer your husband will realize you are having an EA with your ex and will have you served with divorce papers. Then you can go back happily to your cheating beau and live the crappy life that you so desperately crave. Your husband can move on to better things in life than being stuck with you. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 30th October 2016 at 8:50 AM..
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Old 30th October 2016, 8:51 AM   #15
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Why are you having "blow out fights" with your husband a lot?
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