Another functioning alcoholic...

[Popsicle]

So, my thread is similar to manheart1989's recent thread in this section. We have a slightly similar issue and her thread has given me some nice insights but I wanted to be more specific to my situation and feelings.

 

A few of you might have seen my thread about meeting and dating my boyfriend (about 4 months now). I mentioned that I did not see a forever with him and that is still true. There are a few reasons why but the one I want to talk about today is that he is a functioning alcoholic, who, just 2 days ago entered a 30 day treatment program all on his own.

 

I know some of you are asking why I have been drawn to him and it's because we have A LOT of fun together and are very attracted to each other. He is super sweet, loving, affectionate, kind and adoring to me too, more than any man has ever been to me and I love it.

 

The thing is that is all we have - fun, attraction and an emotional connection. He is a functioning alcoholic and since he was drinking when I met him, I've only ever seen and known him drunk. He doesn't "act drunk" but he is drunk. I don't know if he will still even be the same after he sobers up, even though he promises he will. But who knows?

 

I have been clear with him that I don't see a future with him and when faced with the choice of having to break up or just stay together and continue haviung fun until further notice, he choose to stay together and have fun. We discussed this in plain terms, but I don't know, I think he (and his family) have future hopes. This is not my problem though. Which brings me to my problem....

 

He is asking me to visit him and keep in touch while he is in treatment for 30 days. Is this something I should be doing? Quite honestly, I think that we (esp me) need some time and space to breath, rest and think, but if I tell him that will he think that I am abandoning him in his greatest time of need? Will that be especially cold of me considering that he is doing "the right thing" for once by trying to sober up? I know he will think that I am leaving him for good. He begged me to visit him and keep in touch. Will that cause him to quit the treatment program? Should I support him through these 30 days no matter what then deal with the rest later?

 

I feel like I should and it would be the right thing to do, but at the same time, I feel like if I do, I need to revisit our talk about there not being a "forever" between us. What do you think? I have a lot of doubts but I also like him a lot and feel for him.

 

Today is Thursday, he will be calling me and expecting me to visit on Sunday.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Popsicle

[mrs rubble]

I would, he's made a big step and he needs all the support he can get.

I don't see this as encouraging a future for the two of you if you've already been through that, it's support and friendship he needs right now, worry about later- later.

[CarrieT]

I'm with Mrs. Rubble.

 

I don't think visiting him would be that harmful. He will be in a public place so there is no chance of intimacy. And because it is a visit, all you will have a chance to be is cordial and helpful.

 

It will also give you a chance to slowly separate yourself from him. This weekend's visit could be just 30 minutes or so. Then you don't see him for another week or ten days, etc... See where I'm going with this?

[HappyAgain2014]

I wouldn't go. Cut this relationship off. You've said from the start it doesn't have a future yet you're making yourself responsible for him.

 

Addicts are manipulative and codependent. It's not very different from affairs in that you aren't entitled to your feelings. It's all about what they need. If this wasn't true, Al Anon meetings would be empty.

 

You didn't make him an alcoholic and you're not responsible for getting and keeping him on the wagon. This guy has enough issues aside from his addiction.

 

Please walk away. At this point in your life, you need and deserve an accountable man who will meet YOUR needs. You'll never find that tending to an addict.

[Popsicle]

Thanks ladies for the advice. I don't feel responsible for him but I don't want to make things worse, do you know what I mean? I feel like I should at least visit one time and feel him and the situation out. I just dread being there with his family. I know they will be there.

[BlueIris]

Would you be able to ask one of his counselors there what they recommend?

 

If you are able to, I think it would be important to say that you do not have an interest in a lifetime relationship with him.

 

If you visit him- like family is doing- there's a good chance that he would interpret that as a demonstration of commitment to him, of being like family to him, which you don't want to be.

[Popsicle]

Would you be able to ask one of his counselors there what they recommend?

 

If you are able to, I think it would be important to say that you do not have an interest in a lifetime relationship with him.

 

If you visit him- like family is doing- there's a good chance that he would interpret that as a demonstration of commitment to him, of being like family to him, which you don't want to be.

 

I really don't want to get involved in his therapy. I'm staying out of it. The night before he went in, I was with him and he asked me if I would visit and I said yes but that I didn't want to go to any classes or therapy or any of that crap.

 

He is supposed to call me before the visit. I may mention something to him then if the time is right. I agree with the family visit and that is why I am dreading it.

 

He kept apologizing to me the day before for all this so he knows it's not cool.

Edited August 5, 2016 by Popsicle

[BlueIris]

I really don't want to get involved in his therapy. I'm staying out of it. The night before he went in, I was with him and he asked me if I would visit and I said yes but that I didn't want to go to any classes or therapy or any of that crap.

 

He is supposed to call me before the visit. I may mention something to him then if the time is right. I agree with the family visit and that is why I am dreading it.

 

He kept apologizing to me the day before for all this so he knows it's not cool.

 

Ugh. That's a very fine line to walk. Has he ever acknowledged- himself, in his words- that he knows that you are not interested in longterm with him?

[Popsicle]

Ugh. That's a very fine line to walk. Has he ever acknowledged- himself, in his words- that he knows that you are not interested in longterm with him?

 

No. The last time we talked about it, he ended the talk with "Just forget about it" and went on like normal. I wasn't sure if that was an acceptance or him just not wanting to think about it.

[BlueIris]

No. The last time we talked about it, he ended the talk with "Just forget about it" and went on like normal. I wasn't sure if that was an acceptance or him just not wanting to think about it.

 

Well then just keep being clear but don't really expect him to be able to comprehend.

[HappyAgain2014]

Thanks ladies for the advice. I don't feel responsible for him but I don't want to make things worse, do you know what I mean? I feel like I should at least visit one time and feel him and the situation out. I just dread being there with his family. I know they will be there.

 

I know you're not intending to but the mere consideration of not making it worse IS taking some responsibility for him.

 

He needs to learn to live a sober life. I actually think it's better for him to experience your relationship ending while in treatment when he has support.

 

If you contemplate ending it when he's out, you'll then feel responsible for keeping him sober.

 

End it now. A drunk isn't much better than a MM. Sorry to sound cold but he has to own his recovery and sobriety. Alcoholics, including those early in recovery, are a hot mess of manipulative selfishness. He needs to work on himself.

[Popsicle]

I know you're not intending to but the mere consideration of not making it worse IS taking some responsibility for him.

 

I know.

And I think I'm doing that to a certain degree.

 

 

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm just still really, really confused about what to do.

[road]

I know.

And I think I'm doing that to a certain degree.

 

 

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm just still really, really confused about what to do.

 

 

So what have you done?

 

 

Side note, many drunks have gone to treatment and stay sober for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Yet you will not give him the chance to show he has changed his ways.

[Art_Critic]

Yet you will not give him the chance to show he has changed his ways.

IMO...

 

It isn't up to her to give him another chance, Alcoholics generally burn thru their 10 chances before they get the boot for good...

 

Part of his treatment on DOWN the road will be to make amends to those he hurt.. if there is a time for her to hear him out it would be then.

 

Step 8, as you can see there are 7 other steps he must take before he gets to that one...

 

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

Sometimes the time has passed to make amends to those we have hurt.. there is a chapter in the big book dedicated to that exact portion of the steps...

 

 

I'm not saying she should never go back to him, but that last thing she should be is guilted into staying longer than she thinks she really should.

[Popsicle]

So what have you done?

 

 

Side note, many drunks have gone to treatment and stay sober for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Yet you will not give him the chance to show he has changed his ways.

 

I haven't done or said anything, except speak to him everyday. He calls me everyday. I thought I would say something to him when I visited him two weekends ago, but he was in such bad shape and he appeared to be fighting for his life physically that it scared me and I just couldn't do it. Now I have this sense that it just feels wrong to end things while he's still in treatment and has so much to focus on with healing.

 

And I know some alcoholics change and stay sober for good. His own twin brother has. That's part of why this is so confusing to me.

 

IMO...

 

It isn't up to her to give him another chance, Alcoholics generally burn thru their 10 chances before they get the boot for good...

 

Part of his treatment on DOWN the road will be to make amends to those he hurt.. if there is a time for her to hear him out it would be then.

 

Step 8, as you can see there are 7 other steps he must take before he gets to that one...

 

Step 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

Sometimes the time has passed to make amends to those we have hurt.. there is a chapter in the big book dedicated to that exact portion of the steps...

 

 

I'm not saying she should never go back to him, but that last thing she should be is guilted into staying longer than she thinks she really should.

 

Thank you so much, Art Critic. I probably need to be reminded of that often.

 

To make matters worse, his mom guilts me too.

Edited August 19, 2016 by Popsicle

[BlueIris]

You get to choose who you want to date. Period.

 

Once you are acting from fear, obligation or guilt or someone is trying to influence you with any of those, emotional manipulation is at work. (Google “FOG fear obligation guilt." There's lots about it.)

 

I understand not wanting to break up with someone while they’re in a medical crisis but if someone has a chronic condition, that state of medical crisis could last for months and months- or for a lifetime.

 

It will NOT be easier when he gets out. It could be much harder because he will not have the care and support he has now and he could be more emotionally dependent. I think it would be better to break up with him while he’s in treatment and has support around him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I just went through something very similar myself this past year and a bit.

 

The difference is that I was madly in love with my partner who was a fairly functioning alcoholic. As much as we loved each other, I did struggle with what our future looked like because of his disease. Having been surrounded by alcoholics my whole life, I knew that living with one, even in sobriety, is a hard life. It's a very selfish disease.

 

Up until my partner met me, he had no real desire to change or get sober. After being with me for a couple of years, we had talked at great length multiple times about our future. I felt I owed both of us complete honesty and told him that as much as I loved him I couldn't see a future with him as a drunk, period. It was not the life I wanted for myself yet I had no idea how or when things would end between us. I suppose this made him rethink a lot of things in his life and he slowly but surely came around to the idea that he needed help and wanted sobriety as much as those who loved him wanted it for him. And so I helped him get into treatment. He was like a lost puppy, so frightened. I'll never forget it.

 

And so I stayed and supported him every step of the way. We talked almost daily (apart from when he was detoxing), I went to visit him during family weekends a couple of times (he was out of town) and encouraged him along the way. He struggled of course. Seemed to have more bad days than good especially in the beginning but I was nothing if not hopeful that he'd make it.

 

When he finished rehab he moved into sober living and continued with this out-patient program as well as daily AA meetings. It was a full-time job and then some. But I remained patient and understanding and supportive and for the first time, I actually considered a future with him.

 

In the end, at the encouragement and direction of his therapist and sponsor, he needed to make his sobriety his #1 priority if he had a shot in hell at conquering this disease. As much as I was the "light" in his darkness I was also a distraction apparently and it was with that in mind that we decided to end things so that he could give 100% to his sobriety. It was the most painful thing either of us had experienced in a very long time even though deep down we knew it was the best thing for everyone.

 

He celebrated 1 year of sobriety on April 4 and is still going strong with zero relapses.

 

Unfortunately we remain apart. Our love story ended.

 

Moral of the story? You don't owe him anything especially if you've made it clear you don't see a future with him drunk or sober. That doesn't mean you have to be cold and aloof and kick is ass to the curb while running for the hills either. You can still be supportive as much as you feel comfortable being and remain resolute in your decision about where you stand as a couple. Right now he's eyeball deep in the weeds and is clinging to what he knows and what feels comfortable and that includes you right now.

 

Once he leaves rehab, that's when the real work begins. That's when alcoholics come face to face with the realities of their new life and it ain't very pretty. There is a very good chance that his feelings about you and your relationship will change anyway the more time he spends working on himself and his sobriety. I've seen it many times before and had it not been for my own personal experience, I might not have considered it either. The first year of sobriety is the most important after all.

 

Anyways, I'm rambling but all I have to say is that if you know for sure you don't want a life with this man regardless if he's sober or not you owe it to both of you to tell him sooner rather than later. At least now he's in recovery and has the support he needs to deal with this part head on. Leading him on indefinitely out of fear or guilt isn't fair to anyone. I would just encourage you to remain friendly and supportive as best as you can regardless.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 19, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[Popsicle]

You get to choose who you want to date. Period.

 

I know, and I feel the same way.

 

I understand not wanting to break up with someone while they’re in a medical crisis but if someone has a chronic condition, that state of medical crisis could last for months and months- or for a lifetime.

Yes this is my greatest fear and I don't want to sign up for that long-term. I just want someone "normal" long-term. It is not what I imagined for my life.

 

It will NOT be easier when he gets out. It could be much harder because he will not have the care and support he has now and he could be more emotionally dependent. I think it would be better to break up with him while he’s in treatment and has support around him.

 

I respect this way of seeing it, but I just can't do it right now. I would feel better waiting until he gets out.

 

I just went through something very similar myself this past year and a bit.

 

Thank you, Michelle, for responding. I saw your response in that other thread and I was hoping you'd shine your insights here.

 

The difference is that I was madly in love with my partner who was a fairly functioning alcoholic. As much as we loved each other, I did struggle with what our future looked like because of his disease. Having been surrounded by alcoholics my whole life, I knew that living with one, even in sobriety, is a hard life. It's a very selfish disease.

I feel like it's selfish too and I can see everything revolving around him and his needs and struggles at all times. (we have other incompatibilities too)

 

Up until my partner met me, he had no real desire to change or get sober. After being with me for a couple of years, we had talked at great length multiple times about our future. I felt I owed both of us complete honesty and told him that as much as I loved him I couldn't see a future with him as a drunk, period. It was not the life I wanted for myself yet I had no idea how or when things would end between us. I suppose this made him rethink a lot of things in his life and he slowly but surely came around to the idea that he needed help and wanted sobriety as much as those who loved him wanted it for him. And so I helped him get into treatment. He was like a lost puppy, so frightened. I'll never forget it.

 

My guy was so scared too when he went in but he made the decision on his own. I may have been part of the reason he chose to go (I don't know this for sure) but he still felt it was time. Like you, I have no idea how or when things will end between us.

 

And so I stayed and supported him every step of the way. We talked almost daily (apart from when he was detoxing), I went to visit him during family weekends a couple of times (he was out of town) and encouraged him along the way. He struggled of course. Seemed to have more bad days than good especially in the beginning but I was nothing if not hopeful that he'd make it.

 

When he finished rehab he moved into sober living and continued with this out-patient program as well as daily AA meetings. It was a full-time job and then some. But I remained patient and understanding and supportive and for the first time, I actually considered a future with him.

 

My guys seems to have more good days than bad days, but this is not his first rodeo. He has been through this before, he knows the ropes. He has quit before and relapsed. This is what he says he is most angry at himself about.

 

In the end, at the encouragement and direction of his therapist and sponsor, he needed to make his sobriety his #1 priority if he had a shot in hell at conquering this disease. As much as I was the "light" in his darkness I was also a distraction apparently and it was with that in mind that we decided to end things so that he could give 100% to his sobriety. It was the most painful thing either of us had experienced in a very long time even though deep down we knew it was the best thing for everyone.

 

I'm not really sure what this means? Does this mean that instead of going to his AA meetings and such, he was distracted by you instead?

 

He celebrated 1 year of sobriety on April 4 and is still going strong with zero relapses.

 

Unfortunately we remain apart. Our love story ended.

 

Has he asked to come back?

 

Moral of the story? You don't owe him anything especially if you've made it clear you don't see a future with him drunk or sober. That doesn't mean you have to be cold and aloof and kick is ass to the curb while running for the hills either. You can still be supportive as much as you feel comfortable being and remain resolute in your decision about where you stand as a couple. Right now he's eyeball deep in the weeds and is clinging to what he knows and what feels comfortable and that includes you right now.

 

Once he leaves rehab, that's when the real work begins. That's when alcoholics come face to face with the realities of their new life and it ain't very pretty. There is a very good chance that his feelings about you and your relationship will change anyway the more time he spends working on himself and his sobriety. I've seen it many times before and had it not been for my own personal experience, I might not have considered it either. The first year of sobriety is the most important after all.

 

Anyways, I'm rambling but all I have to say is that if you know for sure you don't want a life with this man regardless if he's sober or not you owe it to both of you to tell him sooner rather than later. At least now he's in recovery and has the support he needs to deal with this part head on. Leading him on indefinitely out of fear or guilt isn't fair to anyone. I would just encourage you to remain friendly and supportive as best as you can regardless.

 

Good luck.

 

He has been told that I don't see a forever with him and his sobriety is only a small portion of that. This whole drinking and rehab thing took center stage just recently due to his decision to get treatment. I'm pretty sure we will have this discussion again, and maybe he will decide himself that he doesn't want to be with me.

[BlueIris]

I respect this way of seeing it, but I just can't do it right now. I would feel better waiting until he gets out.

 

Then maybe consider weaning him off by calling less and less so that he doesn't develop a dependence on the contact and relationship. Going from lots of contact to a break-up could be difficult.

[Popsicle]

Then maybe consider weaning him off by calling less and less so that he doesn't develop a dependence on the contact and relationship. Going from lots of contact to a break-up could be difficult.

 

This is true.

[CarrieT]

Then maybe consider weaning him off by calling less and less so that he doesn't develop a dependence on the contact and relationship. Going from lots of contact to a break-up could be difficult.

 

This is an excellent suggestion. He is probably at a point where he is beyond the DTs so he is probably in healing mode now.

 

It might even help if YOU keep a schedule on the contact and chart it out to be scheduled later and later each time...

[Popsicle]

This is an excellent suggestion. He is probably at a point where he is beyond the DTs so he is probably in healing mode now.

 

It might even help if YOU keep a schedule on the contact and chart it out to be scheduled later and later each time...

 

Thanks Carrie. He is 2 weeks in and still shaking but it has gotten better. He has always been contact heavy so it's going to be a challenge to slow it down.

[Popsicle]

Well, we broke up last night so I'm single now again. He's been out of rehab for two weeks now and has no desire to drink again, so that's been great, but our relationship dynamic changed, unfortunately. He's not affectionate at all anymore (he was before which I loved) and I just wasn't enjoying him anymore. He is very angry with me for breaking up so I doubt he'll try to get back with me this time.

[BettyDraper]

Well, we broke up last night so I'm single now again. He's been out of rehab for two weeks now and has no desire to drink again, so that's been great, but our relationship dynamic changed, unfortunately. He's not affectionate at all anymore (he was before which I loved) and I just wasn't enjoying him anymore. He is very angry with me for breaking up so I doubt he'll try to get back with me this time.

 

That's good. It sounds like you would be better off without him.

Your ex shouldn't be in a relationship for the first year of sobriety anyway.

Good for you for knowing what you're willing to tolerate and not settling.

[Popsicle]

That's good. It sounds like you would be better off without him.

Your ex shouldn't be in a relationship for the first year of sobriety anyway.

Good for you for knowing what you're willing to tolerate and not settling.

 

Thanks Betty. I agree that he needs to focus on himself right now and probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

I will be seeing him a couple more times though because he is bringing me to the airport on sat and picking me up when I return from my trip (I think ). I couldn't find another ride. But it'll just be a ride and no other visiting. He doesn't seem all that excited about doing it either but he promised.