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I need to leave my wife


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Old 7th July 2016, 11:02 AM   #31
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You did not have a wife who was being supportive and sacrificing for you, what you had was a co-dependent relationship.

While you were in recovery, she should have been attending counseling for herself.

You would not be destroying her hopes and dreams, you would be setting her free to fulfill them with someone who can be fully invested in a relationship.

I commend you for your progress and hope you will continue to move forward yourself. You cannot change the past, you can only learn from it and give yourself the opportunity to have a better future. All the best to you.
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Old 7th July 2016, 11:34 AM   #32
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Have you done counseling with a trauma therapist? Have you two done MC?

I'm hoping you have an idea what purpose those 12 steps serve???

Have you written out what divorce might look like? Shared that perspective with someone you trust?

Has your wife looked into al anon at all?

Just wondering where you both are mentally in the recovery process...have you done all 12 steps? What method do you use for getting/staying sober?

What do you do each day to move forward in your recovery?
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Old 7th July 2016, 10:12 PM   #33
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Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.

I told my wife that I need some space to stand on my own two feet. Had a drink after.
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Old 7th July 2016, 11:46 PM   #34
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I think leaving her would be the best thing for her. She should work on why she allowed someone to treat her so poorly for so long. She can only do that if you're gone. She has suffered enough, and you should move on, and let her move on with her life. And there's another woman in your life. Wow. You don't sound like you can stand on your own two feet without a woman there to 'catch you.' I say this to you in charity, not to judge you. But, you need to stop dragging more women into your messes, and fix your life before you destroy another one.
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Old 8th July 2016, 1:34 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by rohann View Post
Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.
13th step ???

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Old 8th July 2016, 2:48 AM   #36
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Being involved with another woman while you are still married and with your wife is not only obviously wrong it's also indicative of your poor coping skills and faulty decision making. You still have a long ways to go to becoming fully mature and healthy. If you want to ditch your marriage for another woman knock yourself out. It's better than staying married and cheating, but if you end your marriage this way for these reasons then it's unlikely that you and the OW will go on to having a successful healthy relationship.
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Old 8th July 2016, 2:54 AM   #37
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Originally Posted by rohann View Post
Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.

I told my wife that I need some space to stand on my own two feet. Had a drink after.
This isn't working on recovery - this is working on active drinking.

And now you have another woman when your not divorced yet? Dude, you've got work to do on yourself - first!

Do ALL the steps. Focus on that. Work and stay busy. See a counselor to address the underlying pain that lead to the drinking/drugs.

Divorce your wife so she can pursue a life without drama and worry.

And Dude, do the right thing. Stop making it worse.

Try not to drink today. Do kind things for others.
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Old 8th July 2016, 4:44 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by rohann View Post
Yes. I am actively working on my recovery. Yes. There is another woman in my life to some degree.

I told my wife that I need some space to stand on my own two feet. Had a drink after.
Ha.
You dope.
You are doing the exact same thing my husband did: replacing one addiction with another, then trying to replace that with cheatibg and doing the "oh, I don't want to hurt YOU" card.

Do you guys all read from the same script?

Well, after the cheating bit rapidly fell apart and made him feel even more like a scum-bucket, he bounced like a ping-pong ball through a bunch of addictive behavior.

Until living in the back of his car just wasn't as much fun anymore and I stopped being an option (or a place to try to crash) for awhile.

Then, he sought help with an earnest heart.

The answer isn't with your new woman, because life isn't about having that "sure answer."

Your heart, like most men's, goes where you make your investments in.

You are OBVIOUSLY not investing in your marriage. That's why you don't have feelings enough towards it and can let it go. Because you are failing your marriage, not the other way around. Not because you "failed it in 2011....or whatever" but because to this day, you aren't investing in it.

And, boy oh boy, you don't "feel in love".....see how that works?

I bet your wife loves you very very much. See how much she invested? She was over-invested, really.

So, instead of investing in return, you've taken all that she's invested in you, dumped it in drugs and are now doing another superficial " investment" in another woman.

Yeah, that will work out......you are eleven months sober, and now you want a "do-over, new start-up."

You STILL DON'T GET IT. You ARE NOT getting a "brand new shiny life" that's an illusion.

You get the chance to improve THIS life or screw it up worse.

The only way you fix this is by investing in something OTHER THAN something self-destructive. And yes, starting a "new relationship" with all of the "feel.good chemicals" is self-destructive but wrapped with this cute, shiny promise.

I'm glad my husband woke up before he decided to go on penis-fest. Something about you guys. You just want to throw it all away to lament what you had.

Again, men love what they INVEST IN. What are you investing in? The investment itself isn't a sign that it's a "real genuine thing." Some men invest in booze, and kill their liver. Some men invest in a shiny new car, and wash it every time they take it out. Some men invest in their families and get dividends back from it.

How do you invest? Three major ways: your dick, yoir dime, your time.

If any of those three are travelling far outside of your marriage, no wonder it "isn't working" and you "don't feel love."

Love is a product of investment. And you've been coasting for years off of your wife's investment.

Love, real love, is that thing that happens when you invest, even when you don't effing feel like it. Because you know it's the right thing to do, and then you get the good feelings about yourself and your partner from being an invested partner.

But hey, it's your life right. You can either make a decision where your priorities lie and set your goals in that direction. Or you can sit back and wait for whatever feelings float by from whatever woman that feel new and shiny and then try to cling to that. Then do that with the next woman, and the next. And the one after. Because people that wait for the fluffy feelings to come by always need something "new and stimulating" because they don't WANT to have to examine their life, make priorities and face their fears and feelings.

You aren't trying to "protect your wife" from being hurt. Please. She made her investment clear.

You are trying to avoid your history and play "shiny new life."

Well, sorry buddy...
The geographic cure works as well as the relationship cure.

Your wife wasn't the problem here. She still isn't.
And wherever you go, there you are. You take your baggage with you.
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