Lwhite5635 Posted June 9, 2015 Share Posted June 9, 2015 Boyfriend doesn't want to get married.? My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have a two year old together and currently live together. He seems confused about the whole marriage thing. He'll tell me that he plans to marry me but he doesn't have money for a ring and he's not "stable" enough yet. Then he'll say things like he doesn't want to make a mistake, and he doesn't know etc. He'll go on Facebook and post status's about how Jay Z didn't get married until he was 39 and a man knows when he's "ready" and shouldn't be pressured. I haven't been "pressuring" him until more recently because we've been together for so long and it confuses me that you STILL don't know if I'm the "one". That makes me feel like I'm not. It's really been bothering me a lot lately and I've actually been thinking about breaking up or at least just not living together until there is some solidity to our relationship. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I try to be more understanding or have more patience? Link to post Share on other sites
Torii Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Boyfriend doesn't want to get married.? My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have a two year old together and currently live together. He seems confused about the whole marriage thing. He'll tell me that he plans to marry me but he doesn't have money for a ring and he's not "stable" enough yet. Then he'll say things like he doesn't want to make a mistake, and he doesn't know etc. He'll go on Facebook and post status's about how Jay Z didn't get married until he was 39 and a man knows when he's "ready" and shouldn't be pressured. I haven't been "pressuring" him until more recently because we've been together for so long and it confuses me that you STILL don't know if I'm the "one". That makes me feel like I'm not. It's really been bothering me a lot lately and I've actually been thinking about breaking up or at least just not living together until there is some solidity to our relationship. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I try to be more understanding or have more patience? Have patience. Enjoy you're time as a couple. Don't rush. You've been together for 4 years and even decided to have a daughter - what's the big rush in getting married? why are you discussing this so late into a relationship? IMO, marriage should be brought up ASAP - know where you stand and where your partner stands with the idea of marriage. So many people have different views, different lifestyles that can become an issue for one partner later down the road - IF never discussed. Many people also just assume they will eventually get married to their partner - and I seriously hope you had conversations (before this post) about your beliefs on marriage. You should never, ever assume your partner wants to marry you because not every single person wants to be married. Your partner has all he needs and wants. He has you and a child that he helped to create with you. Do you honestly believe that a piece of paper will make him feel any different, any stronger for you than what he's already proven to you? If you're happy with how your relationship is, you don't need to be married to have that verification. Be happy with how everything is and will turn out for you. Marriage is just paper, and it certainly doesn't stop affairs; it doesn't make a person any more faithful than they already are. Be thankful. Talk to your partner. That's all you can do. Know where he stands, ask him what he really wants to do in his future. Are you honestly prepared to throw away your relationship, everything you've gained with him, just because you can't live without a ring on your finger? Think about your child too, and what's best for them. They're a part of this situation you have. Edited June 10, 2015 by Torii Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 We have a two year old together and currently live together. He seems confused about the whole marriage thing. I'd guess not only is he not confused but, from his standpoint, things have worked out well. He's got a live-in partner and a child - game, set and match. You might be 4 years late in forcing this issue... Mr. Lucky 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I dated my husband for over 8 years before we got married. We lived together for 5. He never talked about getting married or having kids. I knew those were things I wanted but for most of the 8 years I was in college and focused on getting my degrees. I started working and planned to ask him if he was even interested in marriage or having a family. I would have walked away if he said no. I got pregnant before I got to ask those questions. I asked him if we should get married and he said sure. We have been married for 20 years now, but all has not been wedded bliss. Looking back, I should have been more concerned about whether or not he loved me. He never said it, and I let him off the hook by not asking him about that. He also didn't show it, was poor at giving affection and didn't give me compliments. I have no idea why I let that be ok. Currently wishing that I had not married him, had just lived together. That way I could have walked away whenever I felt like it. We are programmed to think that we are supposed to get married and have kids. That is not necessarily true. I did feel strongly that a child deserves two parents in the home, I still believe that is best. But instead of worrying about if he wanted to marry me or not, I wish I had focused more on how he treated me. He didn't treat me badly, he just didn't really love me, or he was incapable of showing me, either way, I wish I would have paid more attention. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I was with an EX for 12 years, lived together for 10 He repeatedly said he didn't to get married. I stupidly assumed he would change his mind. He didn't. You have the free milk problem, why by the cow. I would sit him down & tell him a few things: 1). the ring doesn't matter; 2). the marriage is more important than the wedding and 3). your daughter ties you together forever anyway so you don't understand his reluctance to commit. Tell him you want to get married but that if he doesn't he needs to let you know so you can decide if you want to make other arrangements. Before you have this talk to have to determine what is more important to you: him or being married because you might not be able to have both. Factor what is in your child's best interests into this. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Easy, tell him no more sex until marriage. He can get a ring if he wants to. I believe he doesn't want to get married because he won't be seen as a player ( or whatever the current term is), on the street. Is image & status important to him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 He has everything now that a MM has so why get the piece of paper? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Marriage is a bad deal for men if it ever ends, so it's not surprising he's ambivalent. You can have a great, committed relationship without the baggage of marriage, so if the relationship IS good, marriage isn't necessary, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I think it would be wrong to blow up the relationship now that you have a 2 year old - she needs a stable family - but if you didn't, I would tell you to move on if you want to get married and he doesn't. From your description he sounds like he has an immature mentality and he's not that into you. He feels "stable" enough to bring another life into the world, but not to commit to the mother? The new life is the big one that requires stability and maturity and commitment, whereas a marriage can be undone. You can talk to him about it more if you want, but at this point I think you need to just provide as stable and loving of a home as you can for your child, and when she's a lot older then maybe you can leave him and find someone who wants to be married to you, if that's your dream. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Easy, tell him no more sex until marriage. Well that's not going to work; an awful lot of men complain that this is what happens - after marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 (edited) Marriage is a bad deal for men if it ever ends, so it's not surprising he's ambivalent. No, it's not a uniquely "bad deal for men if it ever ends," and it's tiring to keep hearing from jaded men who made poor decisions and generalize and genderize them. It's now about the ROLE someone plays within the marriage, it's not about gender. Child custody laws are not about gender. Any type of alimony is not about gender. If the woman makes more or allows her husband to sit around not working for 20 years, guess what, she may get that "bad deal." Men and women are in the exact same position. Edited June 10, 2015 by lollipopspot 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 He's too comfortable to get married. You act life a wife, he's got a child, why bother doing any more from his point of view. Men (not all) are rarely as keen to marry and would date for years on end given the chance . Really what incentive does he have. I don't buy excuses like a ring or anything else. When a man wants to marry you he will. He likes not being legally commited by marriage. You can either settle as a permanent gf, or if marriage is that important and he doesn't want marriage.....you break up. Everyone should get what they want out of a relationship you'll just get resentful if you don't get married as time goes on. 4 years is long enough to know you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them.....if that's what he wants. I struggle to understand not committing to marriage, but it's okay to have a child , that pretty much ties you together for 18 years and more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 First of all, who still wants to get married nowadays and age? Secondly, if you still do, why the hell you want to marry someone who doesn't have financial stability? Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Boyfriend doesn't want to get married.? My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We have a two year old together and currently live together. He seems confused about the whole marriage thing. He'll tell me that he plans to marry me but he doesn't have money for a ring and he's not "stable" enough yet. Then he'll say things like he doesn't want to make a mistake, and he doesn't know etc. He'll go on Facebook and post status's about how Jay Z didn't get married until he was 39 and a man knows when he's "ready" and shouldn't be pressured. I haven't been "pressuring" him until more recently because we've been together for so long and it confuses me that you STILL don't know if I'm the "one". That makes me feel like I'm not. It's really been bothering me a lot lately and I've actually been thinking about breaking up or at least just not living together until there is some solidity to our relationship. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I try to be more understanding or have more patience? I always have to laugh at the lame excuses these guys give. If he's not 'stable,' what's he doing living with you? He should be living in his mother's basement if he's not 'stable.' If he's not 'stable,' why the hell is he having kids? His mentality is that if this relationship stops working for him, he can just boot you and your child out and become an every other weekend dad. But if he's married, he can't get out nearly as quickly and cleanly. This has nothing to do with being stable because he's already DOING all the things one does in a marriage. They're just lame excuses because he doesn't want to make the ultimate commitment to you. Not only that, but you already live with him and had a kid with him, so why SHOULD he marry you? He's already getting all the benefits of marriage without having to take it a step farther. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 First of all, who still wants to get married nowadays and age? Secondly, if you still do, why the hell you want to marry someone who doesn't have financial stability? Why not? She's already living with him and they have a kid, so the 'wait for him to be stable' ship sailed a long time ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Why not? She's already living with him and they have a kid, so the 'wait for him to be stable' ship sailed a long time ago. Because of something called divorce? Besides, once married, his financial problem will become yours. Why would you need that? Because of love? What potential benefit can the OP gain from getting married? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I always have to laugh at the lame excuses these guys give. If he's not 'stable,' what's he doing living with you? He should be living in his mother's basement if he's not 'stable.' If he's not 'stable,' why the hell is he having kids? His mentality is that if this relationship stops working for him, he can just boot you and your child out and become an every other weekend dad. But if he's married, he can't get out nearly as quickly and cleanly. This has nothing to do with being stable because he's already DOING all the things one does in a marriage. They're just lame excuses because he doesn't want to make the ultimate commitment to you. Not only that, but you already live with him and had a kid with him, so why SHOULD he marry you? He's already getting all the benefits of marriage without having to take it a step farther. ^100% agree with this post. OP, he's just giving you lame excuse after lame excuse about why he can't marry you right now, because he doesn't want to marry you. You are not "the one" or he would marry you without a thought. If you can afford to move into your own place do that. Treat it as a pseudo-divorce. He clearly is stable financially if he can pay his share of rent and the bills along with child-related costs. And no you are not wrong to feel neglected, because your boyfriend IS neglecting you and the relationship by refusing to get married. If you are going to sit him down to talk to him, don't compromise your views on marriage or engagement rings or weddings. If you want an engagement ring, a wedding and a marriage then he either gives you those things or you breakup with him. Ultimatum time because he's had 4 years. He either knows that you're the one or you're not. He has to be man enough to tell you the truth. No ifs, ands or buts about it. No more excuses from him. You deserve a lifelong commitment from the right partner. He may not be "the one" unfortunately, if he's giving you lame excuses to stall getting married. Do not give up your dream of being engaged to get married if that's what you really want. He may have given you a beautiful child, but that doesn't mean he's the "right" one for you. It happens all the time. People stay together with the wrong person for the right reasons (they have a child, or their finances are poor). Decide for yourself what you want and deserve and communicate that to him. He either gives it to you (the ring, the wedding, the marriage) or that's it. You're done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
berniev Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 ^100% agree with this post. OP, he's just giving you lame excuse after lame excuse about why he can't marry you right now, because he doesn't want to marry you. You are not "the one" or he would marry you without a thought. If you can afford to move into your own place do that. Treat it as a pseudo-divorce. He clearly is stable financially if he can pay his share of rent and the bills along with child-related costs. And no you are not wrong to feel neglected, because your boyfriend IS neglecting you and the relationship by refusing to get married. If you are going to sit him down to talk to him, don't compromise your views on marriage or engagement rings or weddings. If you want an engagement ring, a wedding and a marriage then he either gives you those things or you breakup with him. Ultimatum time because he's had 4 years. He either knows that you're the one or you're not. He has to be man enough to tell you the truth. No ifs, ands or buts about it. No more excuses from him. You deserve a lifelong commitment from the right partner. He may not be "the one" unfortunately, if he's giving you lame excuses to stall getting married. Do not give up your dream of being engaged to get married if that's what you really want. He may have given you a beautiful child, but that doesn't mean he's the "right" one for you. It happens all the time. People stay together with the wrong person for the right reasons (they have a child, or their finances are poor). Decide for yourself what you want and deserve and communicate that to him. He either gives it to you (the ring, the wedding, the marriage) or that's it. You're done. LOL. You can force someone to "want" marry you. If you have to contemplate to go through this much trouble to make him marry you, you should just give up and move on with your own life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 LOL. You can force someone to "want" marry you. If you have to contemplate to go through this much trouble to make him marry you, you should just give up and move on with your own life. That's my point. She can't force him to marry her but she can sit him down and tell him "this is what I want. Do you want the same thing or not?" Most men who make lame excuses to stall the inevitable like marriage, need a swift kick, to show their true cards in situations like the OPs. The OP's boyfriend is being wishy washy with her, keeping her hooked, so that she doesn't leave him because he has the milk for free, so why should he commit with a ring and a marriage certificate? As irony would have it, guess what movie is on cable tv where I live right now? "He's Just Not That Into you." Opening scene, Jennifer Aniston confronts her long-term boyfriend Ben Affleck about why he won't marry her after being together for 8 years. He keeps her hooked with "we have a great life why do we need to get married" b.s. until the end of the movie when Jennifer Aniston's character has had enough and gives Ben Affleck's character an ultimatum, to which he responds "yes, I'll marry you." Aniston's character represents all women who are in the OP's situation, where they are forced to put their foot down with their boyfriend who won't commit to marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 On one hand, his excuses are lame. A man who wants to marry makes it happen. That said, no way in heck I'd marry anyone I had to drag kicking and screaming. If he doesn't want me enough to take the plunge of his own volition, no thank you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 On one hand, his excuses are lame. A man who wants to marry makes it happen. That said, no way in heck I'd marry anyone I had to drag kicking and screaming. If he doesn't want me enough to take the plunge of his own volition, no thank you. Exactly! I'd rather have a bad haircut than a bad boyfriend. At least you can grow out your haircut, which takes a lot of patience. But I have zero patience for bad boyfriends -- especially like the OP's. The OP's thread has made me realize something: I'd rather be alone than be stuck with a bad boyfriend. Life is too short to waste on someone who is only halfway invested. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 OP, why do you want to get married? I am honestly curious. What do you feel marriage will bring to your relationship that it currently lacks? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 But I have zero patience for bad boyfriends -- especially like the OP's. What makes him a bad boyfriend :confused:??? I'd guess he's been pretty consistent and up front with his message throughout the 4-yr relationship. The OP's desire for him to do something he doesn't want to doesn't make her right and him wrong. Incumbent on her to find someone like-minded if marriage is her priority... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 I went to a wedding last week. The girl had been living with a guy for 11 years and they had a son 11 years old. She wanted marriage, he didn't. Last year they split up and later she met another guy. This is the guy she married last week. You have the free milk problem, why by the cow. ^^^^^^ I agree that this is the problem. How long will you wait OP ? You could be waiting for ever. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted June 11, 2015 Share Posted June 11, 2015 (edited) What makes him a bad boyfriend :confused:??? I'd guess he's been pretty consistent and up front with his message throughout the 4-yr relationship. The OP's desire for him to do something he doesn't want to doesn't make her right and him wrong. Incumbent on her to find someone like-minded if marriage is her priority... Mr. Lucky After 4 years and a CHILD to say things like "he doesn't want to make a mistake" and "he doesn't know," and to make excuses about not having enough stability or money for a ring (which is completely irrelevant - she'd probably be happy with a dime store ring)...but to stay in the relationship and most importantly to have a child...clearly he's not that into her while she's hoping for something more. If they didn't have the child, she should dump him and find someone who likes her better. I don't know if he's a bad guy, but he's not that good for her. I'd feel pretty crappy to be with a guy who said those things to me after 4 years. When you have a child, it's beyond "boyfriend." That's your co-parent for the next 18 years - and for someone who says they don't have enough stability or money for simple things, I think it's a mistake to have a child. I think they both made a mistake by not stabilizing their relationship first. I don't think either one of them should walk away until the child is a lot older though. Edited June 11, 2015 by lollipopspot Link to post Share on other sites
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