Why am I still so miserable?

[berniev]

For the background story, please see this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/530672-should-i-stay-should-i-leave

 

Since we agreed to try this again, last try for me, it's been 5 days and we did have sex three times. I can see my wife is trying but so was every time we talked in the past 20 years. So I have my doubts obviously.

 

However, this time around, I absolutely have no desire for her anymore. I don't want to touch her unless forced to, and in my head, it keeps saying "Now you are trying after I told you I wanted to leave?" Since last rejection I got in last Christmas, I started developing ED and my libido dropped like a rock. I used to be able to do three or four times in one night but now barely finishing one. I did tell her about it back in Jan. but she didn't see this was a big deal and only asked me not to see our family doctor since she's friend of both of us. I went to the doctor anyway without telling her, and she said I have low testosterone but the medicine is so expensive and not covered by insurance. Now I have to picture someone else to maintain the erection, and, of the three times we did, I had to quit two of them. It makes me want to cry!!!

 

I did break up with the girl I was seeing on the side. I know she's with me at least 50% is because I have money. She's OK in bed but she did bring her girlfriend over a few times to have threesome together, which was awesome and a lot of fun. If I live with her, pretty sure the threesome would become a regular thing. I know a mountain of problems would probably arise should I truly live with her but I will have plenty of freedom to do my things. I don't have that much attachment to her, and I am sure I will find someone else if it doesn't work out with her.

 

Now my wife is planning our vacation trip in July but I have no desire to even go with her. Rightfully so, she's very annoyed that I did not show much of interest.

 

I feel so bitter, resentful and depressed. Somehow I just want to be alone for a while whether or not living with someone else or by myself.

 

What should I do?

 

Any comments and suggestions would be highly appreciated!

Edited June 7, 2015 by berniev

[MJJean]

If you can't afford ED meds, you can't afford a divorce.

[Babs22]

For the background story, please see this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/530672-should-i-stay-should-i-leave

 

Since we agreed to try this again, last try for me, it's been 5 days and we did have sex three times. I can see my wife is trying but so was every time we talked in the past 20 years. So I have my doubts obviously.

 

However, this time around, I absolutely have no desire for her anymore. I don't want to touch her unless forced to, and in my head, it keeps saying "Now you are trying after I told you I wanted to leave?" Since last rejection I got in last Christmas, I started developing ED and my libido dropped like a rock. I used to be able to do three or four times in one night but now barely finishing one. I did tell her about it back in Jan. but she didn't see this was a big deal and only asked me not to see our family doctor since she's friend of both of us. I went to the doctor anyway without telling her, and she said I have low testosterone but the medicine is so expensive and not covered by insurance. Now I have to picture someone else to maintain the erection, and, of the three times we did, I had to quit two of them. It makes me want to cry!!!

 

I did break up with the girl I was seeing on the side. I know she's with me at least 50% is because I have money. She's OK in bed but she did bring her girlfriend over a few times to have threesome together, which was awesome and a lot of fun. If I live with her, pretty sure the threesome would become a regular thing. I know a mountain of problems would probably arise should I truly live with her but I will have plenty of freedom to do my things. I don't have that much attachment to her, and I am sure I will find someone else if it doesn't work out with her.

 

Now my wife is planning our vacation trip in July but I have no desire to even go with her. Rightfully so, she's very annoyed that I did not show much of interest.

 

I feel so bitter, resentful and depressed. Somehow I just want to be alone for a while whether or not living with someone else or by myself.

 

What should I do?

 

Any comments and suggestions would be highly appreciated!

 

berniev, Low testosterone is most likely the cause of you not being into your wife. It is probably also effecting your mood. Low T effects more than just your erection. You say that it is expensive and your insurance won't cover it, but you say the girl was with you because you have money. I think this is important enough to spend $$ on yourself. If your T goes up, so does your mood and so possibly does your desire for your wife.

 

If you have low T eventually even a threesome might not do it for you, so do yourself and your wife a favor and get some T! Also just taking a Viagra might help your erection, but it won't do anything for your desire, your libido. Only raising your T level will do that. I think if you are going to give it a try with your wife for three months, it is only fair to have a normal amount of T to see if you two can make this work. Good luck!

Edited June 8, 2015 by Babs22

[berniev]

berniev, Low testosterone is most likely the cause of you not being into your wife. It is probably also effecting your mood. Low T effects more than just your erection. You say that it is expensive and your insurance won't cover it, but you say the girl was with you because you have money. I think this is important enough to spend $$ on yourself. If your T goes up, so does your mood and so possibly does your desire for your wife.

 

If you have low T eventually even a threesome might not do it for you, so do yourself and your wife a favor and get some T! Also just taking a Viagra might help your erection, but it won't do anything for your desire, your libido. Only raising your T level will do that. I think if you are going to give it a try with your wife for three months, it is only fair to have a normal amount of T to see if you two can make this work. Good luck!

 

I just don't desire my wife - every time I think about intimacy with her, it brings up painful memories of the past.

 

I did try the T supplement prescribed to me for about 2 months and it made no difference in my mood, desire or ED.

[Babs22]

I just don't desire my wife - every time I think about intimacy with her, it brings up painful memories of the past.

 

I did try the T supplement prescribed to me for about 2 months and it made no difference in my mood, desire or ED.

 

Sorry to hear that. I guess for some men, they may not show improvements. I would still talk to your doc about it since many of the things you talk about could be the result of low T.

 

• Low sex drive (libido)
  
• Erectile Dysfunction
  
• Fatigue and poor energy level
  
• Decreased muscle mass
  
• Hair loss
  
• Difficulty concentrating
  
• Depression
  
• Irritability
  
• Low sense of well-being
  

Apparently, there are several methods to treat it. I would talk to your doc again and give it another try. It may not make you desire your wife, but it could improve your quality of life by increasing your sex drive and improving your sense of well-being.

[berniev]

Sorry to hear that. I guess for some men, they may not show improvements. I would still talk to your doc about it since many of the things you talk about could be the result of low T.

 

• Low sex drive (libido)
  
• Erectile Dysfunction
  
• Fatigue and poor energy level
  
• Decreased muscle mass
  
• Hair loss
  
• Difficulty concentrating
  
• Depression
  
• Irritability
  
• Low sense of well-being
  

Apparently, there are several methods to treat it. I would talk to your doc again and give it another try. It may not make you desire your wife, but it could improve your quality of life by increasing your sex drive and improving your sense of well-being.

 

 

I wasn't asking a medical question, and yes I will talk to my doctor, finding a specialist if necessary. My question really is whether I should still move out. :-(

[OldRover]

For the background story, please see this thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/530672-should-i-stay-should-i-leave

 

Since we agreed to try this again, last try for me, it's been 5 days and we did have sex three times. I can see my wife is trying but so was every time we talked in the past 20 years. So I have my doubts obviously.

 

However, this time around, I absolutely have no desire for her anymore. I don't want to touch her unless forced to, and in my head, it keeps saying "Now you are trying after I told you I wanted to leave?" Since last rejection I got in last Christmas, I started developing ED and my libido dropped like a rock. I used to be able to do three or four times in one night but now barely finishing one. I did tell her about it back in Jan. but she didn't see this was a big deal and only asked me not to see our family doctor since she's friend of both of us. I went to the doctor anyway without telling her, and she said I have low testosterone but the medicine is so expensive and not covered by insurance. Now I have to picture someone else to maintain the erection, and, of the three times we did, I had to quit two of them. It makes me want to cry!!!

 

I did break up with the girl I was seeing on the side. I know she's with me at least 50% is because I have money. She's OK in bed but she did bring her girlfriend over a few times to have threesome together, which was awesome and a lot of fun. If I live with her, pretty sure the threesome would become a regular thing. I know a mountain of problems would probably arise should I truly live with her but I will have plenty of freedom to do my things. I don't have that much attachment to her, and I am sure I will find someone else if it doesn't work out with her.

 

Now my wife is planning our vacation trip in July but I have no desire to even go with her. Rightfully so, she's very annoyed that I did not show much of interest.

 

I feel so bitter, resentful and depressed. Somehow I just want to be alone for a while whether or not living with someone else or by myself.

 

What should I do?

 

Any comments and suggestions would be highly appreciated!

 

Wow, you have a complicated life..... lots to think about.

 

BTW testosterone shots are cheap... with coupons (available all over the place) the cash price is about $50 for a three months supply.... Will help if you a low.

 

As for the GF, three some and no desire for your wife, you have to think about what you really want. What are your thoughts? What do you want most?

[Babs22]

I wasn't asking a medical question, and yes I will talk to my doctor, finding a specialist if necessary. My question really is whether I should still move out. :-(

 

Sorry Berniev. It just seemed like it could be effecting your decision making. If you are not happy and don't feel like you can fix things with your wife then you should probably move out. I also had an A, I also am not physically attracted to H any more. You can't make yourself feel something you don't. We have kids, one with severe diagnosed depression, so I am staying put for now. You don't have kids to worry about and can leave when you feel like it. I think your W also deserves to find someone who is attracted to her, just like you do. If you move on, she might find that. Good luck.

[berniev]

Sorry Berniev. It just seemed like it could be effecting your decision making. If you are not happy and don't feel like you can fix things with your wife then you should probably move out. I also had an A, I also am not physically attracted to H any more. You can't make yourself feel something you don't. We have kids, one with severe diagnosed depression, so I am staying put for now. You don't have kids to worry about and can leave when you feel like it. I think your W also deserves to find someone who is attracted to her, just like you do. If you move on, she might find that. Good luck.

 

 

Affair never affected me. My previous affair was 10 years ago which was far more emotional and physical but it never affected me.

 

I started seriously withdrawing after the most recent rejection during last Christmas. I felt that was my last straw and actively sought out to have another affair.

[berniev]

Join Date: Nov 2014

Posts: 2,892

but there came a point in my marriage that even if my husband had had a magical epiphany and suddenly become a sex god...it wouldn't have mattered. The years and years and years of neglect despite all my trying had built a wall of hurt and distrust that he was never going to be able to climb. I went from desiring and needing him to trying to be good enough for him to trying to deny and shut out the part of me that was sexual to...just not wanting him at all. Ever. Because it was a matter of survival. Honestly, he could have become the most amazing sexual partner on the face of the earth with a desire for more so intense it would have melted any other woman. And it wouldn't have been enough. The connection bridge had simply been burned beyond recognition - BY HIM.

 

This really speaks what I feel now.

[Popsicle]

Uhh, leave. DUH.

 

And live by yourself, not with another woman.

[Popsicle]

If you can't afford ED meds, you can't afford a divorce.

 

That's true. LOL

[elaine567]

I went to the doctor anyway without telling her, and she said I have low testosterone but the medicine is so expensive and not covered by insurance.

 

Yet on the other thread. #33

We are very well off financially, not just with good income but actually own everything we have with lots savings to a point that we don't really have to work.

 

Something not adding up here.

[Lois_Griffin]

Yet on the other thread. #33

 

 

Something not adding up here.

I'm kind of thinking the OP doesn't see the merit in paying heavily for something he doesn't feel will help him at home.

 

It's so obvious he's completely disengaged from the marriage at this point. And that's ok, it happened for a reason and that reason isn't going to change in this lifetime.

 

Why would anyone stay in a miserable, loveless, passionless marriage - and you don't even have kids to use as your excuse?

 

Time to lawyer up and start the process. Seriously. Life is too damned short to live in misery.

[berniev]

Yet on the other thread. #33

 

 

Something not adding up here.

 

Lois is correct. I can certainly afford the medicine but why should I waste my money on something that doesn't seem to help after 2 months of trying? I'd rather look for a cheaper alternative, maybe seeking a different specialist.

 

This is just something adding to my frustration.

Edited June 8, 2015 by berniev

[Popsicle]

This really speaks what I feel now.

 

That's interesting. I've always said that a fair amount of people who complain about being in a sexless marrage don't want their spouse anyway. You can just tell. There is a point that comes that they are unaware of where the effect of the rejection eclipses their desire and kills it. Some stop complaining then. Others keep on.

[berniev]

That's interesting. I've always said that a fair amount of people who complain about being in a sexless marriage don't want their spouse anyway. You can just tell. There is a point that comes that they are unaware of where the effect of the rejection eclipses their desire and kills it. Some stop complaining then. Others keep on.

 

I can't seem to get over the bitterness and resentment even when she initiates the intimacy, which she did quite a bit in the past few days. I have not given her a hug or a kiss for months now ever since last rejection, just having no desire to show any affection.

 

I can't get over that she has been so "blind" on this issue that I brought up so many times. I told her that I think I have ED. She never asked me about it afterwards, not even once.

 

I know it's not going to help to rekindle things but ...

[Popsicle]

I can't seem to get over the bitterness and resentment even when she initiates the intimacy, which she did quite a bit in the past few days. I have not given her a hug or a kiss for months now ever since last rejection, just having no desire to show any affection.

 

I can't get over that she has been so "blind" on this issue that I brought up so many times. I told her that I think I have ED. She never asked me about it afterwards, not even once.

 

I know it's not going to help to rekindle things but ...

 

I know that's how you feel. Do you still currently complain to her that you want more sex or has that stopped?

 

I hope she cares more and asks about it.

Edited June 8, 2015 by Popsicle

[berniev]

I know that's how you feel. Do you still currently complain to her that you want more sex or has that stopped?

 

I hope she cares more and asks about it.

 

I stopped complaining months ago. In my previous thread, I mentioned that I already checked out but she wanted another chance, to which I agreed. So now we are trying this again, well, mostly she's trying while I am still simmering. :-(

[Got it]

I can't seem to get over the bitterness and resentment even when she initiates the intimacy, which she did quite a bit in the past few days. I have not given her a hug or a kiss for months now ever since last rejection, just having no desire to show any affection.

 

I can't get over that she has been so "blind" on this issue that I brought up so many times. I told her that I think I have ED. She never asked me about it afterwards, not even once.

 

I know it's not going to help to rekindle things but ...

 

I understand and it is hard to get out of the cycle of resentment. What if you guys took a trial separation? Get some space, DON'T SEE OTHER PEOPLE, but focus on the individual concerns and try and get to a starting over point. Have a weekly meeting, to just spend time together. And MC.

 

You may find at the of the time period that you are solidly done or that you are ready to try again with your wife.

[Popsicle]

I understand and it is hard to get out of the cycle of resentment. What if you guys took a trial separation? Get some space, DON'T SEE OTHER PEOPLE, but focus on the individual concerns and try and get to a starting over point. Have a weekly meeting, to just spend time together. And MC.

 

You may find at the of the time period that you are solidly done or that you are ready to try again with your wife.

 

I like this idea.

[autumnnight]

Perhaps your numerous affairs have eroded your love for her.

 

Have you confessed any of these numerous affairs?

[berniev]

Perhaps your numerous affairs have eroded your love for her.

 

Have you confessed any of these numerous affairs?

 

That's not the case. I am actually polyamorous, capable of loving more than one person at the same time. My affair had never had any negative impact on me or my relationship with my wife at all.

 

It's her rejection and neglect eroding my love for her!

[loveboid]

She's just an unattractive woman to you. I think any man's testosterone would drop in the presence of a hag and rise in the presence of a supermodel.

 

Probably if you were by yourself your T would rise to your normal baseline.

 

If you had a gf who was attractive to you your T would rise above your baseline.

[Cali408]

Because low T is not healthy. Who cares about your libido, you should get it for your health.

 

Stop being a cheap skate.

 

Do you think maybe she doesn't give it up is because of the resentment she has toward you?

 

You've cheated/cheat on her. Maybe she knows.

 

Did she ever want children or did you decide for the both of you?

 

She doesn't want to work anymore, but you try to bargain an open marriage.

 

That being said, you've checked out. There aren't children and you can make this a clean divorce.